After two back to back failures in JAMB, my parents gradually grew reluctant to drop pocket money for me. My first JAMB was bullshit... I scored 242. The Post-UME that followed wasn't just bullshit... it was a pig dung, scored 210. My average was too poor to take me to college of Medicine.

In my second JAMB, I scored 280, my score in UNN post-UME that year was same as the previous year: 210. I started wondering if my DAD had annoyed one EVIL MAN in the village: Because 'scoring 210' back to back seemed like it had a *villagetic influence*.
That same year I also wrote for IMSU, and I scored the highest: 304.

I thought I had hit the bull's eye. I thought I had finally come to the end of the admission palava. "I am from Imo State, they would be stupid not to give me admission", I thought in my naive immature mind.

I didn't gain admission that year. My name wasn't in IMSU's admission list. I had to travel to IMO, I went to the Admissions Dept of IMSU and complained. The lady I met in the office was a jolly-good fellow, she spoke to me like that was our 75th time of meeting in that month, and like the previous 74times we had met, I'd always brought good gists about how funny life is: She smiled after every sentence. Her good natured attitude gave me confidence and a flicker of hope.

"Good morning, Fine boy", She greeted and smiled. "You must be one of the successful students" she said emphatically, smiling again.

"I wish I were, ma'am" I said trying to sound and look pathetic.

"Why not my dear?" She asked smiling. "Didn't you do well in the exam?" Another smile.

"Actually Ma'am, I scored the highest, 304, ma'am, that was my score" I said boastfully, as if to say 'why the f..k shouldn't they gimme admission'.

Lady Smiler gazed at me, studying me critically as though she wanted to weigh the credibility of the information​ I just gave her. She frowned, for the first time. And what followed immediately was a broader smile, this time, revealing a good portion of her dentition. 'What a weird lady' I thought.

"Well... My dear..." She started still with that weird smile that seemed to be permanently playing on her lips. "The truth is", she continued, "You might have scored the highest in the exams. But the question is: Did you pay the highest?". The foolish woman was still smiling when I angrily walked out of her office.



...And I became a barman

It was a cold Monday morning and I was still wriggling in my bed under my thick blanket when Mum barged into my room without knocking. "Osinachi", she called in a manner that spelt Bad News. "Wake up, you lazy soul" she said with no harsh tone to her voice. I didn't answer, but she continued anyways. "Look son", she started in her habitual calm but stern tone, "we can't continue to give you money every morning. You gotta start doing something to fetch you money". She paused, looked at me to see if her words had elicited any reaction, and when she saw nothing she proceeded. "I've spoken to Uncle Chike, he said you could come over to the hotel he's managing. There is vacancy for a Bar-Man".

At the sound of those two words "BAR-MAN" I pictured myself clad in the white and black coperate made from cheap fabrics and adorned with a funny bow-tie. I looked stupid in the imagery i quickly formed in my head. Just then I concluded that my dreams of being a successful medical practitoner in the future has crashed.

... HILLS HOTELS

I easily passed their written and oral interviews. They said I was smart, (that was no news though), so the next day I commenced work in the aforementioned hotel as a BAR-MAN.

The first friend I met in the hotel was the then Waitress, Anita U Edeson, she had a spirit-lifting smile and a heart-racing stare. Fair, with cat-eyes as though she had some contact lenses on. She was about 5Ft 2' tall with supple skin. She was dressed in the same uniformed i had first envisaged the first day Mum mentioned BAR-MAN. She looked sexy in it with her skirt several inches above knee-level revealing an appreciable portion of her edible laps, and making me really uncomfortable around my pelvis.
She was pretty and we would be working together in the nearest future.
Work would be fun with her around.

There was hope!!!

A couple of weeks into my new job as a BAR-MAN, i had already started making passes at Anita, we connected real quick. The first week she said she loved my smile... that my well arranged dentition gives her the butterflies. Well, I hope that butterflies was running amok in her stomach .

The next week, she loved the way I talk. That butterflies that ran amok in her stomach has started making her restless and as Al Pacino said " when a woman is restless is when she is greasy " ( Scent of a Woman)

The following week I started writing and sending her poems and short stories, and she ofcourse loved them too. And gradually she started buying me things; SHE STARTED LOVING ME!!

But, you know that romance is finance as they say and I was under-paid while I over-worked! A factor that has the capacity to kill any libido.
I worked both as a room-service boy and a BAR-MAN all at the same time. I couldn't complain to Mum 'cuz she would ask me to STOP the goddamn job.I wasn't ready to STOP then. Maybe you can blame it on alcohol or maybe Anita but I just couldn't stop. Anita & I were having 'something'... with a good prognosis. Didn't want Mum to ruin it.

...Then I watched real life Porn!

As the Room-service boy I delivered meals and drinks to the lodged guests in the rooms. Most of the guests, more often than not, were paired... as in Boy & Girl(most of whom were are prostitutes).

That busy night I was trying to keep tabs on the touts drinking in the bar when my intercom buzzed.

"Is that the bar?" The guttural masculine voice at the other end spoke, before I could even do the routine 'Hello, this is the Bar".

"Yes Sir" I answered in the learned polite way. "What's your room number and how may I help you Sir?" I added.

"Am calling from room 302. Uhhhmm.... I'd like to have a bottle of Hennessy, a carton of Chi Yoghurt. Add 2glass cups.

"Is that all, Sir?" I asked knowing from the little experience I had acquired in the past week that some annoying guests would enjoy sending you up and down to get one nonsense or the other when they could have ordered the whole damn thing once. As a barman , I have come to realise that patience isn't a luxury in the job but a necessity.

"Yes!" The Stupid man answered. "Get me condoms... Good ones!!!"

"Any one of preference, Sir?" I asked again with learned patience.

"Durex would be dope" He said, ending the call before I could add another 'anything else, Sir?'.

I hurriedly gathered all he asked for... including the condom, (Durex), and vooom!!! I sped off to room 302. I gently knocked twice on the alabaster door and echoed "Room Service!!!"

"Come in, the door is open" the familiar guttural voice almost shouted back.

I applied a torque force on the door knob, twisted it, pushed the door open, entered..... and BEHOLD.... MR. GUTTURAL VOICE WAS IN AN ACTIVE COITUS, with a girl that appeared too young for the man who energetically moved his pelvis back and forth in a bid to thrust his ROD in and out.

I didn't know when I did it but it happened even before I knew it... I SHOUTED JEHOVA EH!!!! EWUOOOOH!!!! CHEI!!!!! CHEII!!!

The man sprang up from the bed, looking dreadful and ready to kill. He was panting as he raced towards me like a wounded lion. I closed my eyes before he got close enough.

When I woke up, it was a new day, my head was resting on Anita's laps and it ached terribly as though two MACK trucks had a head-on collision and the only object in between them was my big head. She dabbed my head with ice wrapped in a towel.

She told me the story of how the RESCUE TEAM extracted me from room 302. She said the man almost killed me, and i could tell from the way my whole body ached.

I enjoyed Anita's " cryotherapy" and I wished she would never stop.

She was my unlicenced Physiotherapist!!!

I SLAPPED 'THE COOK' AND WENT TO JAIL

I was still recovering from the terrific beating i got from the room 302 guest when another drama unfolded.

Modesta was her name. Third Cook of the hotel. A cook with no catering training. I could cook more than her. She just happened to be a staff for reasons i would never know.

That Wednesday evening was quiet at the bar. Just one guest: a loner who drank his Heinekeken with a straw, and he took a sip at 15minutes intervals as if the end of the drink might put an END to his life.

I watched him in bored solitude and was begining to feel sleepy when the intercom came buzzing with that irritating monotonous ring.
It was Modesta on the line.

"Foncy... Food is ready for the guest in room 101"

"I'll be there in no time" I said as i hung up and sped off to the kitchen to pick the food & deliver.

I knocked on the door to room 101 but there was no answer. I repeated the knock severally but nothing came from inside. I rushed back to the kitchen, picked the phone and called the RECEPTION. I was informed that the guest had checked out few minutes ago: IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

In such cases the food is normally kept in the oven because it wouldn't be long before another guest would request for the same food. THAT WAS THE DRILL.

But Modesta, being a rookie, wouldn't understand my explanations. So the insults started raining.

"Foncy!!, It's your fault" She started. "You are a lazy fool, If you had hurried over to serve the food when I called you, this food couldn't have been wasted.

I tried again to explain to her that the food aint a waste... but she wouldn't let me talk. She kept calling me a lazy fool... Only my Mum was permitted to call me "LAZY". But that evening Modesta used that line on me... for the umpteeth time. She was seriously getting on my nerves and I was effortfully trying to control the SLAPPING URGE that seemed to be flowing turbulently in my arms.

When the urge became uncontrollable I decided to walk away from her. If i stayed back to listen to her insults, slapping her would be inevitable.

I was begining to walk away when she repeated the "lazy fool" line.

I didn't slap her. MY RIGHT HAND DID. It was too involuntary that I was looking at my hand as it designed Modesta's 'tribal marked' face with the kind of slap that stops the heart for 5seconds. The first slap produced the kind of sound you hear when kids burst baloons. It sent her stumbling backwards as she staggered to gain stability.

That Slap was dope Shaa.
My best Slap ever! And I delivered it seamlessly and impressively. I can tell that was a legendary slap and wasn't disappointed but,I knew I was in deep smelly poo. the kinda shit you see in the sewage pit of Mbomu Ojike hostel in UNEC.

Ten minutes later, the police Hilux van came and picked me.

Foncy Osita Nnodim

Foncy , is physiotherapist at the Usman Dan Fodio University Teaching Hospital , Sokoto Statehttp://



www.etimes.com.ng/2017/04/01/as-a-barmani-watched-life-porn-before-i-gained-admission-medical-doctor-confesses/

I can totally relate,I've worked in a hotel before...but this ur story is so real... like i was there with u... but what kind of blow did the guy give u?

congrats on your life achievement; but you could also be a great part-time erotic novel/script/film writer.

Thank God U make an achievement frm it

Nice narrative,excellent writer u are.

use to know one hills hotel in aba

Nice piece of work.
Every line, sentence and paragraph just connected.

Nice one Op... Continue pls

DrObum:
Write up says physiotherapist Title said medical doctor.
OP, are you seeing what I am seeing

Ain't Physios doctors? Just an innocent question.

Zonacom:

Ain't Physios doctors? Just an innocent question.

No, physiotherapist are not doctors.

Zonacom:

Ain't Physios doctors? Just an innocent question.

Nope, they are not medical doctors.
They are another group of professionals in the health sector.

no matter how long you struggle when it is your time it is your time

Zonacom:

Ain't Physios doctors? Just an innocent question.

Physios, opticians are doctors ....I wanted to ask that but thanks for asking that

ariesbull:


Physios, opticians are doctors ....I wanted to ask that but thanks for asking that

no they are not. physiotherapist are addressed as physiotherapist, opticians as opticians. I think Optometrist are called doctors though.I know Opthalmologist are consultant Doctors. everyone has a role to play in health care.

Jozprecious:
no they are not. physiotherapist are addressed as physiotherapist, opticians as opticians. I think Optometrist are called doctors though.I know Opthalmologist are consultant Doctors. everyone has a role to play in health care.

.. Physiotherapists can use the title “Dr.” and write it in front of their name, the Indian Association of Physiotherapists (IAP) has said. It also said that “neither the Indian Medical Association (IMA) nor the Medical Council of India

It varies from country to country. Some call them Dr in UK physiotherapy is see as Dr, even in UKMs Bazin, president of the European region of the World Confederation for Physical Therapies, signed the landmark agreement with the organisation for Europe’s doctors at a meeting in Brussels earlier this year.

She said: ‘This is about raising the profile of physiotherapy and supporting other professional bodies to work towards what we have achieved in the UK.’

The ‘memorandum of understanding’ commits the two professions to work in partnership to improve patients’ rights, healthcare delivery, and continued education and professional development




A doctor is someone that heals and restores human, if he treats illness and is educated in that practise be it in eyes, bones,mind or body ...The person is a Dr. Simple


Let's forget all these dichotomy these lousy mbbs dudes are creating...That most of them don't k ow their job. I know what I have suffered from these lousy Dr . That's a different story


So deal with it...They are Dr

ariesbull:
.. Physiotherapists can use the title “Dr.” and write it in front of their name, the Indian Association of Physiotherapists (IAP) has said. It also said that “neither the Indian Medical Association (IMA) nor the Medical Council of India

It varies from country to country. Some call them Dr in UK physiotherapy is see as Dr, even in UKMs Bazin, president of the European region of the World Confederation for Physical Therapies, signed the landmark agreement with the organisation for Europe’s doctors at a meeting in Brussels earlier this year.

She said: ‘This is about raising the profile of physiotherapy and supporting other professional bodies to work towards what we have achieved in the UK.’

The ‘memorandum of understanding’ commits the two professions to work in partnership to improve patients’ rights, healthcare delivery, and continued education and professional development




A doctor is someone that heals and restores human, if he treats illness and is educated in that practise be it in eyes, bones,mind or body ...The person is a Dr. Simple


Let's forget all these dichotomy these lousy mbbs dudes are creating...That most of them don't k ow their job. I know what I have suffered from these lousy Dr . That's a different story


So deal with it...They are Dr

hey bro relax. all you quoted were Indian and UK sources. In Nigeria, physiotherapist are not doctors. I think they are working towards that and till then, they are not doctors. you don't have to call the MBBS guys lousy really. I, personally,will prefer to just have my degree written at the back of my name. the "Dr" thing may just confuse patients more. Imagine when your neighbour will assume that since you are a Dr, she can bring her dying baby to you not knowing you are a dentist or physiotherapist. even though you have the knowledge, it's still better to know one's limit. I maintain that everyone has a key role to play in healthcare. it's not easy to be a physiotherapist also!

You're a very good writer. Keep it up.

Thanks a million...

Disclaimer: foncy1 is not a physiotherapist at any hospital
Foncy Osita Nnodim is a dope writer!!!
damn you good. I had a good laugh

Thanks a million, people.

Franky826:
Disclaimer: foncy1 is not a physiotherapist at any hospital

Foncy Osita Nnodim is a dope writer!!!

damn you good. I had a good laugh

Actually, I am a Physiotherapist at the said hospital.

foncy1:


Actually, I am a Physiotherapist at the said hospital.

I know just kidding bro but dayyummmm. you good. keep this up