NYSC CAMP EXPERIENCES (Episode 4)

Flashback (naija style): Kosi received a call up letter from school; boarded a bus with a lady he called 'mami water; got stuck in the terrible Abia-Akwa-ibom route; boarded an overpriced okada ride to the camp; and at the last episode failed to stand still when the trumpet sounded; and he currently heeds to a 'stop dia' instruction from a man putting on camouflage shorts.



Ah!

That uniform that inspires dread in the hearts of any civilian around.
For a stinging slap from men putting the uniform on can reset ones destiny.
Causing the individual to temporarily forget his identity.

It brings he, who is on a different world (due to the influence of marijuana or any other hard drug), back to this world.
A popular joke which I visibly confirmed a certain day when a soldier slapped the 'agbero' and the poor fella turned around to the other side where he began to make advertise imaginary recharge cards to bewildered bystanders who held back the soldier for fear that a second slap may send the agbero to an early grave.

Like the hairs on the neck of a child watching a horror flim in the middle of the night, I stood firm with fear ravaging my mind.
For the oga soja was looking at me menacingly.
And the policewoman, by my side, was muttering "this guy own don finish" to her colleague who tried to hold back a laugh.

After five minutes, the rapture - like trumpet sound stopped and I was gladdened at heart.
For I had seen no one flying into the air, nor seen any empty cloths left behind.

Nope.

Just some bunch of corpers whose shoulders dropped in a fashion that expressed release of tension.

That; and a visibly outraged soldier man who was marching my way with no signs of slowing down.

'Olorun mi. Alagbada ina, alawotele Oru. Gba mi oo (my God save me o).

So I prayed at that moment.

Soaking my life with the blood of Jesus in preparation of the attack coming.

Praying seriously that God would soak this soldiers 'kpomo' hard heart in hot water and cause it to become very tender.

Praying that God would bomb this ogas spirit with the grenade of love and that he would pity me.

Praying that my eyes would become very tender and cute just like the thieving cat in the film 'Puss in Boots'.

So I kept praying.

And like a faithful mama that always finds her wailing child in the midst of a busy Onitsha market, God heard me and He answered my prayer.

'Audu. Audu. Show for here quick quick. Commandant say make everybody gather now"
A far voice shouted towards the soldier.

Stopping him dead in his tracks and leaving him seething with anger.
For he had planned to show 'this little baga' how to properly obey his country when the flag was being pulled down.
For he had planned to show 'this bloody civilian' how to properly conduct himself within the premises of a regimented camp.
For he had planned to 'soften my hide' up with some 'gingering' exercises which would leave me in bed for some days

"Oh boy. Na God save you o. Otherwise you for hear 'weei' today" the Police woman said.
Beckoning on me to quickly come over and check in before the gates were closed for the day.

"You are from which school young man" the Police man inquired as his hands ransacked my belongings for any contraband.

Bringing out my boxers and singlets and leaving me flustered because a group of girls were observing from a distance.

"I am from University of Benin sir" I said.
Hoping that his hands would not go to the inner zip where the condoms laid and that the man stop his unwarranted inspection.

On Leke's orders, I had packed a box of condoms into my bag.
As he told me that the mami market sellers usually cheated male corpers by inflating the price.

My mind was crossed back then.
'All die na die' was the slogan that criss-crossed my heart and nothing would deter me.

--------
"Eh eeh. Uniben abi. That school wey witches full. I even hear say when una shoot gun for up say na winch go fall down. Na true?"

I chuckled under my breath as I pondered the answer to his question.

From where would I start to elaborate on the fetishes of that ancient city?

Could I list the countless times when Ekosodin indigenes had woken up to find a bird trapped on the electric wires.

Or the countless crossroad sacrifices which early risers and drivers encountered on the roads.

Or some tales, told by casanova guys, of girls who nothing could be used to wake them up before dawn.
Girls, whose faces were like the mammy water looking girl I saw on my journey down to Akwa ibom.

"Yes sir. I have heard of such tales but I have never seen one before sha" I replied.

Stealing a look at the long queue which was forming at the front of some offices.

"Dem they write winch for person forehead? Anyway I know say una boys too like woman too. As you can see, evidence dey to prove that fact."
At this, he pointed towards a small pile of condoms packs which my eyes had not set upon before.

No wonder those ladies around were arching their necks forward to know the outcome of the survey of the contents of my bags.

Apparently they had gotten the memo that some boys wanted to wash clothes without bothering to let them dry.

(For the sake of the unlearned, that metaphor means that some boys wanted to sleep with random girls without thinking of committing to any long term relationship)

Apparently they had gotten the memo that some demonic boys always loved to mix red label with the creamed alcoholic drink 'Best' and give it to ladies.
A wicked combination that stimulated a frenzy of sexual drive in the unsuspecting ladies and drove them to the arms of the guys.

"I am a good born again Christian" I said.
Putting up my best imitation of a novice who had just been caught in a den of yahoo boys.

After ten more minutes of searching and proper documentation of my details, the police man and women let me go.
Giving me a small tag and directing to go and join the queue in other to be cleared and assigned a bed space for the night.

To be continued tomorrow.
#BASHORUN

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