Your position makes sense. Writing is therapeutic for me. On the contrary, I feel less depressed when I write. And i really wanna come back to this tgread in a few years to check my development. I'm a nerd remember? Lool

crackhaus:
I hold this perception that if ever you're going to do something, then just do it already and do it big while at it...there's no need depressing yourself further by making a journal out of this, but that's just me.

I agree totally. Self realization it is.

LordKO:
Self-realization! I'll continue to say it, the point in life at which one achieved self-realization marks the beginning of his/her true journey on earth. I understand your position perfectly well. The worst mistake anyone can ever make is marrying someone of an opposite ethical leanings, lifestyle and belief system. Only differences in personalities, economic and political ideologies, and ethnicities can be managed.

As bitter as it may seem, both of you should put emotions aside and embrace reason, telling each other that you're separating/divorcing not because either of you is an outright evil, but because you're not compatible. Yes, it's possible to remain friends in good faith after separating, it's all about understanding.

Risingphoenix12:
Your position makes sense. Writing is therapeutic for me. On the contrary, I feel less depressed when I write. And i really wanna come back to this tgread in a few years to check my development. I'm a nerd remember? Lool

It has to be.

I wish you a good life my man.

Pretty intense huh? Lol

ModusOperandi:
Wow!

Thanks. Wish you the same. May the forces be with you.

crackhaus:

It has to be.

I wish you a good life my man.

Kotieyemi
Oyinbo ti poju

Dyt:
Kotieyemi Oyinbo ti poju

ẽṣe ti iwọ sọ bẹ

E jor.. e ma binu o. Mi mba ko ni Yoruba.... Lol.

Dyt:
Kotieyemi
Oyinbo ti poju

Lol... e ma binu sir

Martin0:
ẽṣe ti iwọ sọ bẹ

Risingphoenix12:
Wow. Quite a few. But i'll list a few. lol

- Someone that could make me happy. I just thought if I made her happy, it would be automatic. Unfortunately, it's not so and surprisingly I don't think I make her happy.
- The spectrum between our mental processing inclinations. I'm like 70% nerd but she is like -70% nerd. lol. My thinking then was this would provide some balance for the kids.
- Future goals/ aspirations are very different. We have both evolved into two different individuals and in divergent directions.
- Family background. Different tribes. We were both raised by single parents. Hers got separated and mom remarried, my dad passed and mom never remarried. So it seems we both had ideals that weren't matched with reality. Interestingly, I connect more with her dad than her step-dad.
- I'm pretty empathetic so maybe I was looking for someone to "rescue". That wasn't what she needed. I probably was carried away by my "ego" and misinterpretation of love and commitment.
- My friends/ family members felt I was making a mistake but didn't talk to me about it - or maybe I didn't provide them with an opportunity to provide counsel.

You call all this 'quite a few?' They are deep.
You projected yourself as a "good samaritan." Someone who'll make her happy,fill in her inadequacies without taking your own happiness into consideration

Marriage isn't a help institution.You apparently turned yours into one..Lemmi leave you with this:marriage is God's idea.Don't lose faith yet.Let God into your marriage.

Risingphoenix12:
Lol... e ma binu sir

hahahahah ti o ko ba nilo lati wa ni binu, Mo si gangan fe lati mo re idi ti idi ti mo beere ..

Martin0:
ẽṣe ti iwọ sọ bẹ

Maybe you should type in English

Dyt:

Maybe you should type in English

hahahahah thought you wanna use yuroba??

Yea. In retrospect... I was quite naive and immature. Lol @ let God in. Most definitely. He can step in. As for me, I'm out.

Janeyinspires:



You call all this 'quite a few?' They are deep.
You projected yourself as a "good samaritan." Someone who'll make her happy,fill in her inadequacies without taking your own happiness into consideration

Marriage isn't a help institution.You apparently turned yours into one..Lemmi leave you with this:marriage is God's idea.Don't lose faith yet.Let God into your marriage.

Lool. Mehn you lost me...

Martin0:
hahahahah ti o ko ba nilo lati wa ni binu, Mo si gangan fe lati mo
re idi ti idi ti mo beere ..

Risingphoenix12:
Lool. Mehn you lost me...

ok ooo

Risingphoenix12:
Yea. In retrospect... I was quite naive and immature. Lol @ let God in. Most definitely. He can step in. As for me, I'm out.

Wow! @the bolded.. I sincerely wish you all the best

I could almost hear the gasp. Lol.

goldenruby1:
Wow! @the bolded.. I sincerely wish you all the best

Lol... almost like clockwork... 4.08am...
This feels so surreal. Like I'm having an out of body experience and watching my own life play like a script. At this moment, I question ideals I once held sacred and sacrosanct. Emotions have gone through a myriad of manifestations - anger to despair to uncertainty etc. For once, now I feel hope.

People say I laugh a lot and I'm not taking this seriously. Even that makes me laugh. I'm just built that way. I laugh when I'm stressed, even when I'm frightened. Others say run to God... well... I have... I am...at what point do you say you've reached Him? Still pondering on that...

Maybe the whole essence is to share in a journal so I (and indeed others) can learn something in future. Something positive I hope. Life really is unpredictable and everybody, irrespective of what they look like, how they live, the frequent smiles/ laughs, has something they are dealing with. There's really nothing called a perfect life. Enjoy what you have. Experience love. Give. Receive. Be happy. Take risks. Never be afraid to start afresh. Enjoy nature. Don't be in a haste. Breathe. It is well.... Even in the well... it is well.

Deeep sighhhh

As someone who has tread this path, you are on the right path.
When a union is dead, it's dead. Any reflection is for self development, what could I have done differently, how did I contribute to where I am now... Etc

The lessons are to make you a better man, father and in time maybe partner in future. It isn't easy, it never really does but you get used to it.

If you are not in Nigeria, try to limit the use of solicitors, they are the eventual winners as their bills pile up the longer you take to reach an agreement. Are there mediators you can use? It's a more collaborative process.

What about the practicalities of ensuring your kids wellbeing? It's all good making declarations but how will it work?
Who is going to be the primary carer? Whoever it is, their housing needs comes first because the kids need a roof over their heads.
How are you going to arrange contact, do you even want joint physical custody where they spend equal amount of times with both parents?

I could go on and on, lots of decisions to be made. I wish you and your family all the best in these tumultuous times. This too shall pass and if I can give pointers based on my experience, do let me know.

Risingphoenix12:
Lol... almost like clockwork... 4.08am...
This feels so surreal. Like I'm having an out of body experience and watching my own life play like a script. At this moment, I question ideals I once held sacred and sacrosanct. Emotions have gone through a myriad of manifestations - anger to despair to uncertainty etc. For once, now I feel hope.

People say I laugh a lot and I'm not taking this seriously. Even that makes me laugh. I'm just built that way. I laugh when I'm stressed, even when I'm frightened. Others say run to God... well... I have... I am...at what point do you say you've reached Him? Still pondering on that...

Maybe the whole essence is to share in a journal so I (and indeed others) can learn something in future. Something positive I hope. Life really is unpredictable and everybody, irrespective of what they look like, how they live, the frequent smiles/ laughs, has something they are dealing with. There's really nothing called a perfect life. Enjoy what you have. Experience love. Give. Receive. Be happy. Take risks. Never be afraid to start afresh. Enjoy nature. Don't be in a haste. Breathe. It is well.... Even in the well... it is well.

I like your sincerity with the emotions you're feeling.....
Thanks for the sage words.
I read earlier where you said all you could say to God was,'Please, help me'.
That's a good place to start in prayer....
I wish you well....

Thanks for reaching out. Most of the details are being worked out but I definitely agree that the paramount welfare of the kids remain paramount. All physiological needs are covered. It's more of the time spent with them that's being discussed. If there are areas I need your insight, I won't hesitate to connect. Thanks

shaybebaby:
As someone who has tread this path, you are on the right path.
When a union is dead, it's dead. Any reflection is for self development, what could I have done differently, how did I contribute to where I am now... Etc

The lessons are to make you a better man, father and in time maybe partner in future. It isn't easy, it never really does but you get used to it.

If you are not in Nigeria, try to limit the use of solicitors, they are the eventual winners as their bills pile up the longer you take to reach an agreement. Are there mediators you can use? It's a more collaborative process.

What about the practicalities of ensuring your kids wellbeing? It's all good making declarations but how will it work?
Who is going to be the primary carer? Whoever it is, their housing needs comes first because the kids need a roof over their heads.
How are you going to arrange contact, do you even want joint physical custody where they spend equal amount of times with both parents?

I could go on and on, lots of decisions to be made. I wish you and your family all the best in these tumultuous times. This too shall pass and if I can give pointers based on my experience, do let me know.

Thanks.

jashar:



I like your sincerity with the emotions you're feeling.....
Thanks for the sage words.
I read earlier where you said all you could say to God was,'Please, help me'.
That's a good place to start in prayer....
I wish you well....

crackhaus:
I hold this perception that if ever you're going to do something, then just do it already and do it big while at it...there's no need depressing yourself further by making a journal out of this, but that's just me.

Well, you have to sometimes pause and rethink.

I am sure there are some things that seemed soooooooooooooo huge and now you laugh pretty hard at yourself.

This journal might help him see things in a new light.

LordKO:
Self-realization! I'll continue to say it, the point in life at which one achieved self-realization marks the beginning of his/her true journey on earth. Therefore, one should endeavor to reach this point in life before venturing into marriage.

I understand your position perfectly well. The worst mistake anyone can ever make is marrying someone of an opposite ethical leanings, lifestyle and belief system. Only differences in personalities, economic and political ideologies, and ethnicities can be managed.

As bitter as it may seem, both of you should put emotions aside and embrace reason, telling each other that you're separating/divorcing not because either of you is an outright evil, but because you're not compatible. Yes, it's possible to remain friends in good faith after separating, it's all about understanding.

I totally agree with the bold:

Know yourself before getting married and have a life outside your spouse.

Risingphoenix12:
Yea. In retrospect... I was quite naive and immature. Lol @ let God in. Most definitely. He can step in. As for me, I'm out.

We don't go looking for happiness;we create it.


Pray you find happiness in whatever you create out there.

Risingphoenix12:
Thanks for reaching out. Most of the details are being worked out but I definitely agree that the paramount welfare of the kids remain paramount. All physiological needs are covered. It's more of the time spent with them that's being discussed. If there are areas I need your insight, I won't hesitate to connect. Thanks

You are most welcome.
I daresay there needs to be some degree of flexibility as their needs change over time, and so would yours too going forward.
One day at a time..

Well, don't let me stop you if both your minds are made up about Divorce. I did see an interesting statistic recently: a huge number of people regret getting their divorces, and upto 60% of men regret their divorce more than women. Which is fascinating but understandable, because most people are too caught up in how bad things feel. And things can feel bad for a very long time.
Here's a blog you may like:

https://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/

He's divorced and he said, he never thought it would happen to him because he didn't do anything wrong, yet was a shitty husband. He also says his wife didn't do anything wrong yet was a shitty wife. And they both regret their divorce. His quote is "Good men and women can make Shitty husbands and wives".

Thanks for the info. There's bound to be some form of regret when one is met with disappointment in any venture - be it physical, emotional, financial etc. More importantly is what you do with it.

Onegai:
Well, don't let me stop you if both your minds are made up about Divorce. I did see an interesting statistic recently: a huge number of people regret getting their divorces, and upto 60% of men regret their divorce more than women. Which is fascinating but understandable, because most people are too caught up in how bad things feel. And things can feel bad for a very long time.
Here's a blog you may like:

https://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/

He's divorced and he said, he never thought it would happen to him because he didn't do anything wrong, yet was a shitty husband. He also says his wife didn't do anything wrong yet was a shitty wife. And they both regret their divorce. His quote is "Good men and women can make Shitty husbands and wives".

Thanks. Points well noted.

Zither:
Never marry anyone out of pity. They won't pity you when they make you miserable and go through physical and emotional trauma in the marriage. In all such cases, your pity quickly turns to regrets.

Love is not the first factor to consider when considering a future partner. Always go for that someone who completes you, inspires you, supports you, prays with you and for you, cheers you on, makes you happy whenever your wandering thoughts perch on her, who looks to your interests as though they are hers or his, makes sacrifices for your welfare and success, respects you, places great value on your company and friendship, builds you up and above all loves you selflessly. Truly, such spouse is hard to come by but through prayer and patience God will connect you with such person meant for you.

I wish you all the best in this phase of your life. One thing though is that when you asked her if the tables were turned and you had her condition and you sought to know if she would marry you her reply in the negative would have made you rethink your decision to marry her as it betrayed her selfish acceptance to the marriage because you were not really her choice but an available option by way of circumstances beyond her control. Oh well, you were on a rescue mission so that did not carry much of a weight towards reconsideration. Wish you both all the best.