I have been pondering on this for a while especially as it generally affects wives. When you discover your spouse is cheating what would be the next course of action? To just exit the marriage? How about the interests of the children? Should it be considered?

What if the erring spouse is repentant? What if he/she is not?


The advent of social media also poses a challenge! Many are in relationships/ affairs on the phone ie they haven't had se.x physically but nudes have been shared and feelings have been ascertained and so on!

Someone said when she found out her man was cheating she forgave him because he was a good man caught in a bad situation! Hmmmm is this true?


What would you do or not do?

Have a great week everyone!

Serious issue

I hope your partner is not cheating again?

QUESTION? HOW MANY ARE FAITHFUL TO THEIR SPOUSES TODAY (ESPECIALLY MEN) ONLY GOD KNOWS

Cheating was, is and will continue as one of the major challenges of contemporary marriage!

The are no straight jacket rules in dealing with this challenge based on different factors :

The tolerance level of faithful partner
How remorseful the offender is
The kids involved
The religious orientation of those involved
Societal expectations. Etc

In all these, we should all bear in mind that FORGIVENESS is the key as no one is perfect!

ALSO KNOW that in divorce/separation, the KIDS SUFFER MOST!

We must prayerfully make efforts to avoid home breakers

For the Men, please play your part as head, provide for your spouse! (every toto na the same, the difference dey for packaging)
PROVISION IS NOT LIMITED TO MONEY AND MATERIAL THINGS BUT INCLUDES HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS, YOUR TIME, ATTENTION ETC

For the Ladies, CHECk YOURSELF TO BE SURE YOU ARE NOT PUSHING YOUR HUSBAND INTO CHEATING - lack of proper home management, improper dressing, bad culinary skills, NAGGING etc

NB: OUR KIDS NEED BOTH PARENTS FOR BALANCED UPBRINGING!!!

Summary sack. I can't condone for my wife what i don't do myself. When a wife does that, she ceases to be a wife anymore but a LovePeddler. The moment a housewife ventures into such, her love has already shifted away from her husband and she becomes a security risk.

Exiting the marriage should depend on whether the partner is repentant, remorseful and willing to change, or not. If he/she is not, walk away.

BlakKluKluxKlan:
Summary sack. I can't condone for my wife what i don't do myself. When a wife does that, she ceases to be a wife anymore but a LovePeddler. The moment a housewife ventures into such, her love has already shifted away from her husband and she becomes a security risk.

Interesting perspective! Does a straying husband also pose a security risk? Is he also a love peddler and should be also be summarily dismissed?

WiredLeggings:
Exiting the marriage should depend on whether the partner is repentant, remorseful and willing to change, or not. If he/she is not, walk away.

What really defines repentance? An apology? Gifts?

Will a reoccurrence be forgiven?

How about the logistics of exit especially since divorce isn't an easy process in Nigeria for now!

babythug:


What really defines repentance? An apology? Gifts?

Will a reoccurrence be forgiven?

How about the logistics of exit especially since divorce isn't an easy process in Nigeria for now!

Exit the marriage and remain single?
Or
Exit the marriage and remarry?

If the former no problem but if the latter,
How are you sure the next partner will not cheat more?

Repentance!
Let me speak from the perspective of a christian

Does God ask you and I if we repented from our hearts?
Does He ask if we are going to repeat the sin?

NO! He does not so apology, remorse and committed effort to make amends should define repentance!!

babythug:
I have been pondering on this for a while especially as it generally affects wives. When you discover your spouse is cheating what would be the next course of action?

what else is there to do but to drop the deceitful/disrespectful/untrustworthy/unfaithful/disgraceful animal?!

To just exit the marriage?

there are no BETTER choices at hand... staying with such deceitful/disrespectful/untrustworthy/unfaithful/disgraceful would be an insult to YOU or the fake relationship you guys are in.

How about the interests of the children? Should it be considered?

off course the children interest should be considered... thats why you MUST divorce that cheating partner, so that they understand that it is WRONG to stay with such deceitful/disrespectful/untrustworthy/unfaithful/disgraceful partner. staying with such animal will teach your kids the WRONG values in life.

What if the erring spouse is repentant? What if he/she is not?

whether repentant or not is irrelevant as the ill deed as been done. there is NO plausible reason under the sun why any person should remain with a partner who has NO respect for you, your relationship or themselves... NONE!

The advent of social media also poses a challenge! Many are in relationships/ affairs on the phone ie they haven't had se.x physically but nudes have been shared and feelings have been ascertained and so on!

the minute that person entertain the idea of emotionally being with someone else OR via text etc, then thats cheating.

Someone said when she found out her man was cheating she forgave him because he was a good man caught in a bad situation! Hmmmm is this true?

its called reverse psychology by deluded women who wanna make themselves feel good about their sorry selves. NO good man was ever caught in a bad situation... and in the contrary, it is simply BAD men who have finally been caught in their charade of pretending to be good.

What would you do or not do?

any person who has RESPECT for themselves, their family or their children, will drop their deceitful/disrespectful/untrustworthy/unfaithful/disgraceful partner.

[quote author=babythug post=59457290]

babythug:


Interesting perspective! Does a straying husband also pose a security risk? Is he also a love peddler and should be also be summarily dismissed?

He too becomes a security risk to the wife.
Some of the men and women out there are diabolical and can resort to anything out of greed and desperation.

__________ ______

Many of the points raised are indeed valid! However I find it's usually a different kettle of fish when actually in the said scenario!

What's even more tricky is where there hasn't been actual physical intimacy but there's been handling, petting or stuff like exchange of nude pictures, sweet words and the intent to eventually have sex expressed via social media.

Does that count as actual cheating?

Does random finding of condoms for eg also count as cheating?

I'm just here for the discourse and I hope we can all learn a thing or two from the discussions

EfemenaXY

kanwuliaextra

modath
funlord

sambarry
dunasy
blank


Please do join the discussion!


Regards,

Moi

Choi this is so hard. All the semi-semi questions.

What next after cheating.
If it's texting and sexting and all the other emotional stuff but no actual fuckery then I'd forgive him after some initial drama. And only after he's managed to convince me he's stopped.

If he actually gets and keeps a side chic that he sleeps with then I'm out. Might take me months to move out but I will, life is too short to be married to a guy who sleeps around. He would never let me take his kids so that has to be done while he's away. I might later agree to let him take them on some holidays

What constitutes repentance? For social media affairs I'd have to be given all your passwords and access to your phone, login to all your sm accounts. For real life cheating I don't care about repentance. Once a cheat, always a cheat. We might make up again in ten years or something tho, if you remain celibate and beg me

Logistics: I know they say keep a stash of money so you can always leave if a marriage goes awry. But I find keeping a 'running away' money to be almost as deceitful as cheating. You'd have to cheat first then I'd start saving my exit money so that next time you do it I'd be ready. I believe there would always be a next time for the cheat. Besides it's easier to make a case for yourself when he's done it twice than just once.

For all these randy chronic cheaters that you keep finding text messages from other girls on their phones, girls panties, other girls calling me, me calling other girls, you beating me. I've never been able to befriend, date talkmore marry such men. If I ever find myself in such a situation, I'd full scale move back to my parent's house and never go back. I'd make all my independence plans from under my parent's roof. Again I'd still let him have the kids for holidays.

If he's not ok with the time I allocate for him and the kids then we'd do the whole divorce court thing. If not then I'd live on my own until he initiates divorce. I'd never remarry neither would I initiate divorce because did you know there are some government positions you can't hold if you ain't married and Nigerians are just too bush to handle divorcees. I'd keep the name, I'm not gonna be stigmatized just because someone couldn't control his preek.

Giddyperson:
Choi this is so hard. All the semi-semi questions.

What next after cheating.
If it's texting and sexting and all the other emotional stuff but no actual fuckery then I'd forgive him after some initial drama. And only after he's managed to convinced me he's stopped.

If he actually gets and keeps a side chic that he sleeps with then I'm out. Might take me months to move out but I will, life is too short to be married to a guy who sleeps around. He would never let me take his kids so that has to be done while he's away. I might later agree to let him take them on some holidays

What constitutes repentance? For social media affairs I'd have to be given all your passwords and access to your phone, login to all your sm accounts. For real life cheating I don't care about repentance. Once a cheat, always a cheat. We might make up again in ten years or something tho, if you remain celibate and beg me

Logistics: I know they say keep a stash of money so you can always leave if a marriage goes awry. But I find keeping a 'running away' money to be almost as deceitful as cheating. You'd have to cheat first then I'd start saving my exit money so that next time you do it I'd be ready. I believe there would always be a next time for the cheat. Besides it's easier to make a case for yourself when he's done it twice than just once.

For all these randy chronic cheaters that you keep finding text messages from other girls on their phones, girls panties, other girls calling me, me calling other girls, you beating me. I've never been able to befriend, date talkmore marry such men. If I ever find myself in such a situation, I'd full scale move back to my parent's house and never go back. I'd make all my independence plans from under my parent's roof. Again I'd still let him have the kids for holidays.

If he's not ok with the time I allocate for him and the kids then we'd do the whole divorce court thing. If not then I'd live on my own until he initiates divorce. I'd never remarry neither would I initiate divorce because did you know there are some government positions you can't hold if you ain't married and Nigerians are just too bush to handle divorcees. I'd keep the name, I'm not gonna be stigmatized just because someone couldn't control his preek.

Why won't you remarry?What if you fall in love with some else.

StevensJojo:

Why won't you remarry?What if you fall in love with some else.

Then I'd love him like Oprah

StevensJojo:

Why won't you remarry?What if you fall in love with some else.

Infact you took the words right out of my mouth!

GiddyPerson that's the only part of your write up I have issues* with!!!

babythug:


Infact you took the words right out of my mouth!

GiddyPerson that's the only part of your write up I have issues* with!!!

lol well to me one marriage is enough for one life time. Not that there's anything wrong with remarrying. I just don't see myself investing anything in any other relationship. I know I'd never be able to build up that kinda trust again. Or maybe I'd remarry for money

No long talk
First stop having sex with your partner.
Think deep and very hard about your next step. Cheating is a deep betrayal and nothing will ever be the same in the marriage.
Personally if my husband cheats and I find out. I will separate from him. I don't tolerate cheating.

I don't know what I'll do.
Honestly........

it is a very tough question!.... i am coming!

My views about this topic is unpopular but here goes :

Save yourself first! If you must still have sex with the cheat, protect yourself. Get and use a "female" condom. Asking the cheat to wear one might lead to long talk and arguments.
There are good vibrators out there and quite cheap, get one or two, might cone in handy on some nights, body no be firewood.

Don't just jump up and leave overnight in anger, the world, including that of the cheat, will go on fine just without you. THINK. Think about your children, finances and yourself ie biz, career. Can you comfortably take care of yourself and kids in the next two years without going under water?

Play a fool and plan. Does the cheat have solid, tangible investments and how can you lay your hands on them and/or legally convert them to yours even if it will involve kissing his ar. Se temporarily?

I ain't a fan of prayers for cheating spouse, informing pastors/imams, third parties etc. Well, if you have a wise mother, you can confide and plan along with her else keep it to yourself. The less people that know, the better.

Never confront the sidechyk or mistress. You have no business with them, the cheat is a grown adult and doesn't put molded eba in his nose. He made his choice, it sucks but you gotta deal with it.

Lastly, are you open to forgiveness and starting afresh if there's true repentance? I would but it's a personal decision.

The only cure is to love them more.Tell the cheating spouse "I Love You Baby"

Thought provoking questions.
These are questions I have pondered about and have no clear answers to. hence, I'm skeptical about marriage.
The bad memories and trust issues that comes with being cheated on can last for many years. The fear of STD's, wondering what the other woman is and what she's capable of.



^How many Nigerian women leave their hubby because of infidelity? I have never met any, never heard of any.
^some marriage counselor in Nigeria did some polls/research and cheating is the least cause of divorce and separation in Nigeria. This further proves that women endure infidelity very well.

Introspection should be the first thing a cheated partner should do. What aren't you doing right? Are you fatter, less romantic, more stingy, or busier than when the love was hot? Has your sex life been monotonous with no improvement in bedmatics?
Answers to this questions should give you a go-ahead as to how you can resolve the ish.
Ofcus some partners cannot naturally stay with one partner, if your spouse is a chronic cheat, pls take a walk. No long stories.

ifyalways:
My views about this topic is unpopular but here goes :

Save yourself first! If you must still have sex with the cheat, protect yourself. Get and use a "female" condom. Asking the cheat to wear one might lead to long talk and arguments.
There are good vibrators out there and quite cheap, get one or two, might cone in handy on some nights, body no be firewood.

Don't just jump up and leave overnight in anger, the world, including that of the cheat, will go on fine just without you. THINK. Think about your children, finances and yourself ie biz, career. Can you comfortably take care of yourself and kids in the next two years without going under water?

Play a fool and plan. Does the cheat have solid, tangible investments and how can you lay your hands on them and/or legally convert them to yours even if it will involve kissing his ar. Se temporarily?

I ain't a fan of prayers for cheating spouse, informing pastors/imams, third parties etc. Well, if you have a wise mother, you can confide and plan along with her else keep it to yourself. The less people that know, the better.

Never confront the sidechyk or mistress. You have no business with them, the cheat is a grown adult and doesn't put molded eba in his nose. He made his choice, it sucks but you gotta deal with it.

Lastly, are you open to forgiveness and starting afresh if there's true repentance? I would but it's a personal decision.

Ma'am you gangta!!!!

Frenchfriez:
Introspection should be the first thing a cheated partner should do. What aren't you doing right? Are you fatter, less romantic, more stingy, or busier than when the love was hot? Has your sex life been monotonous with no improvement in bedmatics?
Answers to this questions should give you a go-ahead as to how you can resolve the ish.
Ofcus some partners cannot naturally stay with one partner, if your spouse is a chronic cheat, pls take a walk. No long stories.

Like seriously!!!

A cheating partner is a grown ar.se adult, and all you can say is the person being cheated on is the cause for the straying?

Please we have been hearing this excuse since Adam. E chop apple finish he talk say "the woman made me do it!" Why you no talk no! Abi eve put cutlass for e neck?

What happened to will power, and taking responsiblity for ones actions. If the cheater feels the other party has changed what happened to talking to the person to let them know they have become less affectionate? The reason for the withdrawal could even be because of the cheaters own actions.

Its a really touchy topic, i am unsure how i will react BUT i will advise the cheater to leave the house for an unstipulated amount of time because at the point where the cheating has been uncovered..... their life expectancy is very greatly reduced.

Some will say... you are chasing him into another womans hands.. the marriage is already potentially ended, so the cheater will be wise to choose his/her destination carefully.

so if he is truely repentant or at least making a show of repentance that will not be an issue he will find some place sensible to chill while tempers cool and we decide what is happening to the marriage.

Choose your co-cheaters house and it will confirm that the idiot is blatantly unnrepentant so the other patry will have clarity on matters. End the relationship it is beyond salvation.

Do macho man and stay in your house and get buried under the mango tree in the backyard by day break. I mean ...... accidents happen!

ifyalways:
My views about this topic is unpopular but here goes :

Save yourself first! If you must still have sex with the cheat, protect yourself. Get and use a "female" condom. Asking the cheat to wear one might lead to long talk and arguments.
There are good vibrators out there and quite cheap, get one or two, might cone in handy on some nights, body no be firewood.

Don't just jump up and leave overnight in anger, the world, including that of the cheat, will go on fine just without you. THINK. Think about your children, finances and yourself ie biz, career. Can you comfortably take care of yourself and kids in the next two years without going under water?

Play a fool and plan. Does the cheat have solid, tangible investments and how can you lay your hands on them and/or legally convert them to yours even if it will involve kissing his ar. Se temporarily?

I ain't a fan of prayers for cheating spouse, informing pastors/imams, third parties etc. Well, if you have a wise mother, you can confide and plan along with her else keep it to yourself. The less people that know, the better.

Never confront the sidechyk or mistress. You have no business with them, the cheat is a grown adult and doesn't put molded eba in his nose. He made his choice, it sucks but you gotta deal with it.

Lastly, are you open to forgiveness and starting afresh if there's true repentance? I would but it's a personal decision.

This does seem like a practical and doable plan! My only "fear" is if forgiveness creeps in during the waiting period!

Mcheeeew sad thing is how it's more of the female spouses at the receiving end of this ish!

Frenchfriez:
Introspection should be the first thing a cheated partner should do. What aren't you doing right? Are you fatter, less romantic, more stingy, or busier than when the love was hot? Has your sex life been monotonous with no improvement in bedmatics?
Answers to this questions should give you a go-ahead as to how you can resolve the ish.
Ofcus some partners cannot naturally stay with one partner, if your spouse is a chronic cheat, pls take a walk. No long stories.

This really isn't fair to anyone who has a cheating partner! Some of the changes may not be by choice it could be circumstantial. For eg stress causes some people to pile the weight on, childbirth could take its toll. Financial pressure could cause one to be unkempt for or unavailable for bedmatics albeit temporarily should this justify the partner's straying!??

I recently saw a Mrs I knew and she had become so thin! Weight loss usually is a good thing but when I was told that she had lost the weight because her husband had threatened to take a new wife due to her weight and the state of the house( she has toddlers, works and may generally have been overwhelmed) I felt really bad. Like she had been bullied into the weight loss. To me the man had admitted that he was cheating and wasn't even sorry

Me sef I am tired of this talk, everyone should know what's good for them, if you want to stay, then by all means, stay and face the consequences of your choice.

There really shouldn't be much ado about these things ,as our hearts always have a way of telling us the truth, we just usually like to ignore the hard choices. I kuku don't know what I'm saying sef.