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Personal Please take time, advice/help needed - Family - Nairaland

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Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by SALady(f): 12:40pm On Apr 12, 2010
Hi Guys! I've been holdin gthis issues back for a while thinking to myself I need to process it and understand it better on my own before I can talk to anyone about it. Now, I am still in the grey about it and thought what the hek! why not share it with my fellow naira's and hopefully that moment of clarity will dawn. I've got a relationship I've been running away from since 2007. 

How I met him
I was visit a friend and she wanted me to meet some "girls" that make clothes in her home towm which she thought I will difinately love and ofcourse I did. I couldnt find the size of the item I wanted and they asked me to go their studio for measurements so that the size for me could be cut up, they also gave me a contact number asking me to all them in a while as they also sell in my hometown. I never used the number until I decided on a road trip with friends and intentionally ended up in the same town again to see what other stock the girls had, and perhaps you know.
I phoned the number they gave to me and only to end up talking to some guy with thee most beautiful voice I've ever had on the phone. Somehow I just had to meet this person. I somewhat created an image about the stranger on the other side. He ws meant to be the guy I was suppose to meet for measurements at the studio during my first trip. We met some two hours later and he did not even come close to this man I created in my head. Yet there was somethign about this real man that I didnt have to search for. His bouncy boying demeanor that said I am full of life, his polite face and attitude.

We went to the studio and took the measurements, he then walked me out which is unusual with him apparently. He started paying compliments to my hair (dreadlocks) and playing with it in his rather friendly and boyish ways. Our candid talk was rather about who are you, where you come from, what brings you to this side of town. He promised to bring the dress when he comes to my home town (in a month's time). We exchaged goodbyes countless times these were the only words we could say to each other and it was too clear that we both wished for more time. During the six hour drive back home he was the only thing on my mind and I knew I was in love and my friends even picked it up.

His Background
He is congolese, dropped out of engineering in varsity in his second year which he passed. He says he had no passion for it and his parents forced him into it as they did with all his brothers, who are doing exeptionally well in SA. He is from a middle class family and has private schooling background. Interestingly multilingual and even corrects me when I speak isizulu which I've been speaking all my life and he only learned when he arrived in SA at nineteen. He wrote exam for his last two years of high school in one year, meaning the year before varsity was self taugt and passed it well enough to be admitted into engineering.
He was already a father to a two year old girl when I met him, well guess with who? aha! the very same girl. I am sure by now its all too clear why I had to fall for this man. To top it all he was raising his child on his own as his relationship with the mother of the child was on and off and rather strained.
He is very religious and never lost any of that ever since he arrived in SA. Well I am afraid he aslso has his own flaws. He took on a journey of spiritual growth and joined the rastafarian movement. This I believe was also fueled by his ever so inquisitive mind. As you may all know rastafarians and pot smoking goes hand in hand, and he is now an addict. At the time he was way in too deep in the religion that it strained his relationship with his brothers and not to mention the hurt he has caused his mother.

I will write more on the story just got tired and there's some other demands on the side for now.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by Nobody: 12:44pm On Apr 12, 2010
I think U need to explain a bit futher smiley
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by SALady(f): 2:49pm On Apr 12, 2010
rokiatu:

I think U need to explain a bit futher smiley

Oh! Sorry @rokiatu, I was typing fast and ended up with a lot of erros and hitting the send button unintenyionally. The story will continue tomorrow though.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by Dimka76(m): 6:35pm On Apr 12, 2010
Ah, the story is already too long as it is o. What more is there to say? Yuo are in love with a Rasta, Finito. You could go on pages and pages abt him. Go for it and stop writting epistles.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by SALady(f): 10:07am On Apr 13, 2010
Dimka 76:

Ah, the story is already too long as it is o. What more is there to say? Yuo are in love with a Rasta, Finito. You could go on pages and pages abt him. Go for it and stop writting epistles.

@Dimka 76 My first instinct was to laugh after reading your response. Anyway waaait and hoooold your horses its not time for air's, aces and graces yet, lets save it for later.

Now lets move on to why I posted this on the forum especially the family section.

This is about how we as people have the tendency to be understanding and my question is where and when do you draw the line? I keep running away from this person because I dont want him to think I endorse what he is on about and sometimes tough love is just about what you can give to people. I keep going back to this person with the hope of change, that he will realize that this life is not all about him he is already a father and he comes from people. Besides he is a beautiful mind in this equation.

I am well aware that people dont have any powers to change others neither should you expect others to change for you. However, I believe that people should not be treated as right off's. The question is what do you do as a mother, father, brother, partner and friend when you have someone in your life that is on the road to self distruction? and maybe with a lot of damage already done. I've heared of families who have lost their children to the streets, their children have left their comfortable homes to the life of prostitution, drug pushing and abuse. Its that easy and it can happen to anyone. Now in my world this is the kind of stuff I only see on tv or read about, its never been this close. I've never been one to give up on people, there's good in each and every one of us.

Now here's another angle to this. I've had to pay a bit of close attention to what turns men into abusers? and why as woman we end up unable to free ourselves from abusive relationships? (please dont get me wrong he is not abusive not even close, only a beautiful mind on the loose and about to be wasted). I have since come to the conclusion that men will turn to abusers when they are filled with frustration and regret of their past mistakes. As a woman you are the closest thing to him that's hanging around as a caretaker, the understanding one and the one that he will always go back to whenever he is feeling insecure. Other than that you end up being a punching bag because you are the only reflection of his inadequacies
Women keep hanging on because they want to see that day of change. By the way, when they met this person he was the polite and friendly man in the beginning and you just cant seem to understand what happened "you are the one that knows him better" or so you believe and this is what then perpertuates the cycle of abuse. By the way abuse comes in different shapes and forms.

Now @Dimka 76 this relates to the emboldments in your response. there's a lot more to peole and the world than meets the eye and a lot can be said about that alone. One advise to you though, and this is coming from a good place "try and learn to listern more" its always a good quality and and a skill that can always be acquired. Think outside and beyond your perfect world.
Families are lamenting out there over wasted children, children lost to substance abuse and future's so bright lost and never to be regained. You say I should go it, the question is would you go for it?. I hope this question doesnt go above your head use the epistole above to guide your answer. Please stretch and flex your brain muscle a bit this is not about your ego nor mine.

Cults, substance abuse are the same to HIV/AIDS many are infected but plenty more are affected, What your take on this?

@rokiatu I hope I've managed to bring you to a clearer picture. My issue here is when do you know that as a person a battle is not for you to fight. When do you know that turning your back on someone could be the worst thing you can ever do? How do you even start getting involved in helping to clean up the mess, is this your place even? how do you know?

Family
If you know anyone who is cought up in the world of cults and substance abuse, a run away child lost to prostitution, theft and every unpretty thing that you can think about please tell us how you have dealt with it or how you think the situation should be dealt. Please let rehab be your last answer because these people take forever before they can accept that something is wrong. I am asking you in yuour personal capacity what would you do?
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by raintree: 3:24pm On Apr 13, 2010
OMG, falling in love with a drug addict! Do you realise that you are trying so hard to write a convincing post to justify your desire/motive to draw close to this man. Telling us how multilingual and intellectually smart, polite and friendly of a man he is goes to show that you are already blinded by love and all the more of you giving us your reasons to help him.
Well, if you are patient enough to wait for the CHANGE IN HIM to surface one day, which is not impossible but might take ages, then do as you please.
It's extremely difficult to loose from a drug addiction. You can't help him, he has to help himself. Until he is sober and clean, please don't sign on the dotted line.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by Nobody: 4:10pm On Apr 13, 2010
I so wish I had all the answers to your questions, I do feel truly sad reading this
SA Lady:

@Dimka 76 My first instinct was to laugh after reading your response. Anyway waaait and hoooold your horses its not time for air's, aces and graces yet, lets save it for later.

Now lets move on to why I posted this on the forum especially the family section.

This is about how we as people have the tendency to be understanding and my question is where and when do you draw the line? I keep running away from this person because I dont want him to think I endorse what he is on about and sometimes tough love is just about what you can give to people. I keep going back to this person with the hope of change, that he will realize that this life is not all about him he is already a father and he comes from people. Besides he is a beautiful mind in this equation.

I am well aware that people dont have any powers to change others neither should you expect others to change for you. However, I believe that people should not be treated as right off's. The question is what do you do as a mother, father, brother, partner and friend when you have someone in your life that is on the road to self distruction? and maybe with a lot of damage already done. I've heared of families who have lost their children to the streets, their children have left their comfortable homes to the life of prostitution, drug pushing and abuse. Its that easy and it can happen to anyone. Now in my world this is the kind of stuff I only see on tv or read about, its never been this close. I've never been one to give up on people, there's good in each and every one of us.

Now here's another angle to this. I've had to pay a bit of close attention to what turns men into abusers? and why as woman we end up unable to free ourselves from abusive relationships? (please dont get me wrong he is not abusive not even close, only a beautiful mind on the loose and about to be wasted). I have since come to the conclusion that men will turn to abusers when they are filled with frustration and regret of their past mistakes. As a woman you are the closest thing to him that's hanging around as a caretaker, the understanding one and the one that he will always go back to whenever he is feeling insecure. Other than that you end up being a punching bag because you are the only reflection of his inadequacies
Women keep hanging on because they want to see that day of change. By the way, when they met this person he was the polite and friendly man in the beginning and you just cant seem to understand what happened "you are the one that knows him better" or so you believe and this is what then perpertuates the cycle of abuse. By the way abuse comes in different shapes and forms.

Now @Dimka 76 this relates to the emboldments in your response. there's a lot more to peole and the world than meets the eye and a lot can be said about that alone. One advise to you though, and this is coming from a good place "try and learn to listern more" its always a good quality and and a skill that can always be acquired. Think outside and beyond your perfect world.
Families are lamenting out there over wasted children, children lost to substance abuse and future's so bright lost and never to be regained. You say I should go it, the question is would you go for it?. I hope this question doesnt go above your head use the epistole above to guide your answer. Please stretch and flex your brain muscle a bit this is not about your ego nor mine.

Cults, substance abuse are the same to HIV/AIDS many are infected but plenty more are affected, What your take on this?

@rokiatu I hope I've managed to bring you to a clearer picture. My issue here is when do you know that as a person a battle is not for you to fight. When do you know that turning your back on someone could be the worst thing you can ever do? How do you even start getting involved in helping to clean up the mess, is this your place even? how do you know?
ALL of us who are involved with a person (with that level of problems), secretly think to ourselves,  'IF I AM JUST GOOD ENOUGH, PATIENT ENOUGH, CARING ENOUGH,  I CAN BE THE SOLUTION". Sadly,  it is hard to face that none of us are that powerful. The drug addiction is not the only problem here. The  dysfunctional stuff  (with the family all reflection the problems inside. It is one thing for you to believe in his capacity to get better,  but for him to really do so, required something more from him. the truth is that NO ONE can fix someone else, no matter how unconditionally we love them. But the good news is that you can be his support system, I honestly can not, with all the humanity in me tell you to give up on him now. that will just leave him miserable and he would become more reliant on drugs.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by jumie(f): 7:58am On Apr 14, 2010
@ SA Lady,

Some honest questions you need to ask yourself before anything are:

1.  "What do you want from this man?"

2. Do you believe that you are in a position and can affect his life positively or in anyway?

3. Will this man have a positive influence on me or not?

The answers are within you. Search yourself and then you will not have to look too far for answers.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by SALady(f): 12:49pm On Apr 14, 2010
@rokiatu "support system" I've been down that road before and I ended up being mummy you know, and I cant. Oh God the things he is capable of when he is alone, one incident particularly stands out and I have to apologize I cant reveal it. (dont worry nobody got hurt or negatively
affected, just a chain reaction of self destruction). Its important to note that I am not always easy on him. Some of the things I have said to him so far must have already turned his ancestors in their graves (I am not proud). I keep thinking that someday he's going to loose his cool with me, but then I will get feedback from him days after those episodes on some of the things that may have hit home. The one thing that beats me is how hard it is for anyone with an addiction to just go through a day with a sober and clear mind.

@raintree, you read me very well, 'cos as I was typing I saw myself being that girl you know. I suppose I was trying to demonstrate the two extremes that I am finding myself caught up in.

@jumie Being the girl that I know myself to be your questions really gave me a hard smack on the back of my head. Thanks though. I think its time I start thinking with my head and stop being a sucker for love. All in good time.

Guys thank you ever so much for your responses. I feel so much better already. You read me very well and I thank you for that.

Now on my wayforward, for now I think I am going to let this thing do its natural course. I dont know if I am doing it for him or myself yet. A week ago a friend of mine said I've been obsessing on the idea of keeping away from this person to such an extend that he ends up being exactly the thing I attract.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by Aproko(f): 1:25pm On Apr 14, 2010
@ OP,

I have learnt over time that there are some battles you don't fight, not because you don't care enough, but because its not your place to fight, most especially when it comes to another human being. Lance Armstrong faught cancer, but not many people can, people fight addictions, you can fight it for them, you can only show them one of the many reasons to fight and its left for them to see it.

while I understand that you may genuinely care about this person, I can only tell you that his addiction battle is not for you to fight. Again, when you have a nagging feeling about something, please never ignore it. think long & think hard before you go into a relationship with this guy.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by raintree: 1:28pm On Apr 14, 2010
@SA Lady
Thanks for your reply.  I'm not here to judge you.  I have done some crazy things myself.  I have a family member who was a drug addict for some 20 years and I've seen the mess he had done to his life going in and out of the rehab centres and jail.  He is no longer on drugs now but has turned into a chained smoker.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by Dimka76(m): 8:40pm On Apr 17, 2010
O.k. S/A lets get serious. You made some good points but the question of addiction is relative. Addicted to what? If its Marijuana then thats no big deal! The tragedy of love is that it is essentially invasive. Why do we always want people to change to what we think they should be just becos we love them? Everyone has his personal demons and with understanding something sensible can always be worked out. It is easy to be judgemental when you look from outside.

Real love is not loving the perfect person, but loving the imperfect person , ''perfectly''.
Re: Personal Please take time, advice/help needed by SALady(f): 11:03am On Apr 20, 2010
Dimka 76:

O.k. S/A lets get serious. You made some good points but the question of addiction is relative. Addicted to what? If its Marijuana then thats no big deal! The tragedy of love is that it is essentially invasive. Why do we always want people to change to what we think they should be just becos we love them? Everyone has his personal demons and with understanding something sensible can always be worked out. It is easy to be judgemental when you look from outside.

Real love is not loving the perfect person, but loving the imperfect person , ''perfectly''.

Thanks for the reply @Dimka 76 you make very good points too. However I am sure that you will notice in my previous posts that this wanting to change him thing is exactly what I am trying ever so hard to avoid. The addiction is Marijuana, and you are the third person to tell me that this is not a big deal. Apparently some people would rather smoke that than cigarette.
Trust me I will not put the idea of using the hard stuff past him. He once told me that one of the reasons that he ended the relationship with his ex is that she had taken things too far by using the hard stuff. About two weeks ago he told me that friends had invited him, only to learn upon his arrival that the whole thing was about people getting together for a snort, of which he said no to and came back home. See I do not want to be naïve about this.

Here’s my thing, you should see this person when he hasn’t smoked anything and his head is clear it’s a state of calm I can’t even describe myself, then you should see him after he’s had a smoke he fidgets, gets hyperactive and can’t focus on one thing at the time to complete it. His whole face changes eyes red and droopy and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. Then the’ll be this long winded talk about consciousness and Babylon that I find absolutely ridiculous (m laughing out of pity you know, it’s actually sad to watch).

To be honest I am dealing with a bad case of “free spirit gone horribly wrong”. On the contrary this person has done well for himself establishing a good network of making and selling clothes. He often works from home, need I say more about an idle mind. How I look at this is that this person is caught up in the believes of a cult of the Rastafarian movement. I am afraid but cannot say it’s a religion, it’s a cult pure and simple and I hope he realizes that sooner than later.

He has a way of talking about God as if he is the only person that knows God in person, as if once in a while God pays him a visit to dine with him as a personal friend. I often retort and say why is it that when he knows so much about God and even expects him to fit into his own little idiocyncracies, yet at the same time he wants to have negotiations with the devil on the side?
The two worlds of this person are so intertwined and bonded that I am afraid everybody else that cares about him is going to lose him to the dark side.
My whole life my relationships have been driven by the idea of what value I can add in another person's life. There's a huge peoblem in relationships where peole add others in their lives based on what they can have e.g. If I can have him/her then I'll GET/HAVE this and that, not my style really.

Sorry for the epistle again, I guess I needed to vent.

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