Dear Nairalanders!!!

I'll express myself the best way I can as my writing skill is poor...

I'm a female and In the midst of a Marriage Crises, Yes my marriage is on the verge of a crash for so many numerous reasons.....

Each time there is an issue between my Husband nd I, He usually threatens me with packing out of his house, so this morning....we had an issue again, and he started spelling out his usual Terms and Conditions, so this time around, I've made up my mind to leave, But I asked him to do the right thing by going to Court to do the necessary divorce Procedures, but he insists that I leave that way dat he has no problem with me leaving.....


But I want it done the official way
.....We have a child and he has said I leave with her or drop her......

As regards the properties in the house, he bought majority of them.....we also have a small car we bought together......I mean how do I get a share of my investments in the home we both built?



And this is an advise to all ladies out there, do not be totally dependent on your Husband for everything.......If you do not think about anything, think about Death, it is no respecter of any persons.......

Give me your husband, I know a lot of ladies looking for a man, in case you are tired and can't keep your home in one piece.

Try and record his words whenever he start telling you to leave his house, ask him about the properties and demand to also get your share. Make sure you record all the conversations and you can sue him to court and present the voice notes as evidence of his threats.

Skyfornia:
Try and record his words whenever he start telling you to leave his house, ask him about the properties and demand to also get your share. Make sure you record all the conversations and you can sue him to court and present the voice notes as evidence of his threats.

Thanks for your advise

Laeroy:


Thanks for your advise

Are you sure you're ready to leave him?

Please tell us some of the issues/argument that made him say that to you always.

Its well. I know how annoying things can get sometimes. On this one, if u two can't resolve it, give it time, either together or apart. Despite the severity of ur misunderstanding, u love each other.

Oyindidi:
Are you sure you're ready to leave him?

Please tell us some of the issues/argument that made him say that to you always.

Yes as I do no have a choice given his constant Threats , what if he dies today, I'll be left a widow with nothing ....

The issue is and has always being Finance, Initially I used to support him very well with the Money I had, Infact I gave him my everything, The problem started when he asked me to resign my job ,I used to work with a FMCG company in Lagos, I resigned and relocated to where he stays, I gave him all the savings I had on me, But being a woman with needs I'll complain, the complains often leads to argument in which he will say If im not ready to cope , I should leave, And so being used to dat constant threat , I decided to start saving from any earnings I made, he prefers dat I work and use my earnings to run the home, yle his net income is nothing to write home about, cos he sometimes last year collected loan to build his house, yle the house suffers...

This man does not include me in his plan, he will only just say it literally dat all that he is doing is for my kid and I but when there's an issue he is usually quick to use the phrase "If u can't submit to me, GO"...

So dat made me stubborn about my decisions, I started saving from my earning, I saved About 450,000 from Laundry and my online business...Ever since I had the money in my account, he has been behaving funny, he said I'm being rude to him cos of the money I have and dat he gives me just dis year, I'll squander the money and asks me to leave if I can't key into his goals and dreams......

so I told him to let us make it official, The truth is dat, I have supported him in the past, I still do support him but with very little.....

Our child is at home......but supposed to be in school now, he doesn't have the money to take her to school, and I'm not ready to remove from my savings....I've told him he is the man of the house and A man is supposed to provide necessary things for the upkeep of the family, he said my duties in the house can't be limited to domestic chores alone but to assist with everything I have, And im hell bent on not doing dat, That is and has always been the Bone of contention between us....

I think you should just separate yourself from him for now before it starts getting physical.
Obviously before a man can be threatening you to pack out, there another lady somewhere fueling the Fire. Just leave in peace.

If the car was bought in your husband's name, I don't think you can do much.
I hope you have a Job madame?

yvelchstores:
Its well. I know how annoying things can get sometimes. On this one, if u two can't resolve it, give it time, either together or apart. Despite the severity of ur misunderstanding, u love each other.

Yes I do love, however I don't want to mistake love for foolishness, I resigned my well paying job for marriage, I remember how hellish that year was for me.........So he said I should start a laundry business, he made out the plan but I was the one who paid for the shop and bought necessary equipments in it.....Both of us are the only one running it, although he works somewhere else....but his net income is actually very small cos his salary has been mortgaged....

I'm the one who does the bulk of the laundry job from washing to starching and iron, coupled with running the house and taking care of our child, So I insisted That we will do the job equally (what I mean Is if I'm starching he must starch as I can't be only the one starching), he sticks only to ironing which I also do....so he said.....I should be the one doing the bulk of the job and it must be for feeding purposes, I said I cannot which he then said I can leave if I can't...

I insisted dat if he can't help me with domestic responsibilities.....I can't help him with providing feeding allowance (this is only wat I do) for the family...

Laeroy:



Yes as I do no have a choice given his constant Threats , what if he dies today, I'll be left a widow with nothing ....

The issue is and has always being Finance, Initially I used to support him very well with the Money I had, Infact I gave him my everything, The problem started when he asked me to resign my job ,I used to work with a FMCG company in Lagos, I resigned and relocated to where he stays, I gave him all the savings I had on me, But being a woman with needs I'll complain, the complains often leads to argument in which he will say If im not ready to cope , I should leave, And so being used to dat constant threat , I decided to start saving from any earnings I made, he prefers dat I work and use my earnings to run the home, yle his net income is nothing to write home about, cos he sometimes last year collected loan to build his house, yle the house suffers...

This man does not include me in his plan, he will only just say it literally dat all that he is doing is for my kid and I but when there's an issue he is usually quick to use the phrase "If u can't submit to me, GO"...

So dat made me stubborn about my decisions, I started saving from my earning, I saved About 450,000 from Laundry and my online business...Ever since I had the money in my account, he has been behaving funny, he said I'm being rude to him cos of the money I have and dat he gives me just dis year, I'll squander the money and asks me to leave if I can't key into his goals and dreams......

so I told him to let us make it official, The truth is dat, I have supported him in the past, I still do support him but with very little.....

Our child is at home......but supposed to be in school now, he doesn't have the money to take her to school, and I'm not ready to remove from my savings....I've told him he is the man of the house and A man is supposed to provide necessary things for the upkeep of the family, he said my duties in the house can't be limited to domestic chores alone but to assist with everything I have, And im hell bent on not doing dat, That is and has always been the Bone of contention between us....

Hmmmm...minor issues if you ask me, men use words like that to make their wives to be submissive. Do you still love your husband? If you do try to be more submissive and I believe he won't use those words again.

Laeroy:


Yes I do love, however I don't want to mistake love for foolishness, I resigned my well paying job for marriage, I remember how hellish that year was for me.........So he said I should start a laundry business, he made out the plan but I was the one who paid for the shop and bought necessary equipments in it.....Both of us are the only one running it, although he works somewhere else....but his net income is actually very small cos his salary has been mortgaged....

I'm the one who does the bulk of the laundry job from washing to starching and iron, coupled with running the house and taking care of our child, So I insisted That we will do the job equally (what I mean Is if I'm starching he must starch as I can't be only the one starching), he sticks only to ironing which I also do....so he said.....I should be the one doing the bulk of the job and it must be for feeding purposes, I said I cannot which he then said I can leave if I can't...

I insisted dat if he can't help me with domestic responsibilities.....I can't help him with providing feeding allowance (this is only wat I do) for the family...

Madam! Calm down

truthsayer009:
I think you should just separate yourself from him for now before it starts getting physical.
Obviously before a man can be threatening you to pack out, there another lady somewhere fueling the Fire. Just leave in peace.

If the car was bought in your husband's name, I don't think you can do much.
I hope you have a Job madame?

The only job I have is the laundry service which I offer.....I really don't earn much from it. dats my pain......On an average i only earn 25,000 every month....but I'm ready to leave and start life somewhere else...I only want a share of my possessions for the past years I have been with him....I feel he used me in the past and must pay for it....

Oyindidi:
Hmmmm...minor issues if you ask me, men use words like that to make their wives to be submissive. Do you still love your husband? If you do try to be more submissive and I believe he won't use those words again.

I love him and have ever submitted to him except my finance....

Laeroy:


I love him and have ever submitted to him except my finance....

Then let love lead you. Do the best you can and don't make it look as though you earn more than him. Still calm down when dealing with him.

Nawa ooo

You seem an industrious one.

I don't like that the little one does not go to school yet.

Instead of fighting for possessions, why don't you focus on making more money, looking for other ways to fend for yourself and the little one, and doing stuff that makes you happy.

Do you have somewhere you can go to and comfortably live should he decide that you leave?

If he keeps regurgitating that rhetoric, how about involving immediate family members?

Meanwhile, there is something I wish to bring to your attention...
It is your state of mind.

From what I read, it seems that you have given up on him and your mind focuses a lot on the big day of separation when you will finally leave him and have a shot at starting your own life.

Would it be too much if I request that you shift your perspective to something more positive and all encompassing?

Can you do that for the sake of the little one?

It is a simple law of the universe that whatever you allow your mind focus on for so long is what you attract.

So Sis...

Don't mind that this is a public forum.
You should picture me sit with you, and with a deep expression of concern and love for you; I ask....

What do you really want?
What do you want?

Do you want him to keep behaving that way and perhaps one day, he injures you, and you still end up leaving?

Do you like that you are so bitter and judgemental at him?

Do you like that the love between two of you has grown to become bitter resentment and hate?

Do you like that you are not happy?

These questions I ask should help you arrive at a decision on what it is you truly, truly desire.

If I were in your shoes, my first priority would be to feel good, and always happy, no matter the unrepentant douchebag I live with.

Another priority would be to enrol my child in a school I can afford, or wish to afford.

Other things may follow.


If you rid your mind of negativity, and focus more on loving yourself and your child....while forgiving your husband and wishing him well, and then applying a bit of patience, and WISDOM....

I see no reason why your marriage should not be happy.

Point is, are you willing?

It is easier to love than to hate, but for some sick reason, we humans somehow prefer hate and all that load of negativity.

Choice is yours..

Greetings.

Madam please calm down. You people really need to work on yourselves or better still see a marriage councillor, these are minor issues and another thing, please don't read meaning into everything, always learn to give your husband little respect, challenging him won't change anything. I know that you are hurt because of what you lost or the level you are now because the marriage but dear, marriage is for better for worse, you didn't bargain for such marriage but dear you have found yourself in it so my advice is, because from your write-up it's minor misunderstanding, hold on with that laundry business, keep applying for jobs and pray always everything will be fine.
Unless he has threatened to beat you up but if it's pack out, tell him that you are going nowhere that you are in your husband's house unless there is no love again in the marriage then you can start thinking otherwise.
As for your baby, please dear, if you can afford it please put her in school, she is your child, your glory, don't leave her to stay at home, please.

Money is always a delicate issue in marriage. It is better if both of you can discuss it and spell out how you want the house run and how money should be allocated. When things are left to whoever feels like handling it, there will always be conflict and someone will always feel cheated.

It is better if your husband is carrying you along in his plans...long term and short term. That way you are both on the same page and you are able to sort out your finances together as one.

I learnt from someone who said that no matter what, they never mention divorce,separation,leaving, etc. They don't make it an option at all. You should discuss that too.

Make sure you have explored all options of resolution before packing your bags to leave.

Laeroy:


Yes I do love, however I don't want to mistake love for foolishness, I resigned my well paying job for marriage, I remember how hellish that year was for me.........So he said I should start a laundry business, he made out the plan but I was the one who paid for the shop and bought necessary equipments in it.....Both of us are the only one running it, although he works somewhere else....but his net income is actually very small cos his salary has been mortgaged....

I'm the one who does the bulk of the laundry job from washing to starching and iron, coupled with running the house and taking care of our child, So I insisted That we will do the job equally (what I mean Is if I'm starching he must starch as I can't be only the one starching), he sticks only to ironing which I also do....so he said.....I should be the one doing the bulk of the job and it must be for feeding purposes, I said I cannot which he then said I can leave if I can't...

I insisted dat if he can't help me with domestic responsibilities.....I can't help him with providing feeding allowance (this is only wat I do) for the family...

I think leaving now is playing to his tune. Why not disappoint him by involving his family and his pastor. Men respect their pastors words and also that of their family.

You really need to be relieved of some of the things you are doing. He has turned you to a house slave and without harsh words. Again, divorce only leaves you vulnerable to unnecessary thoughts.

Please do involve your parents and his parents too. Things like this usually get settled even worst things, so yours will be settled and everything will return back to normal. Pay the school fees of the child as it will give you upper hand during any peace meetings. You need to show people how irresponsible he is to his duties.

Again, God makes away even in difficult situations. So sorry for what you are going through.

To add, if you know his good friend, call the person and talk to him. You don't need to go through this alone.

mrphysics:

I think leaving now is playing to his tune. Why not disappoint him by involving his family and his pastor. Men respect their pastors words and also that of their family.

You really need to be relieved of some of the things you are doing. He has turned you to a house slave and without harsh words. Again, divorce only leaves you vulnerable to unnecessary thoughts.

Please do involve your parents and his parents too. Things like this usually get settled even worst things, so yours will be settled and everything will return back to normal. Pay the school fees of the child as it will give you upper hand during any peace meetings. You need to show people how irresponsible he is to his duties.

Again, God makes away even in difficult situations. So sorry for what you are going through.

To add, if you know his good friend, call the person and talk to him. You don't need to go through this alone.

I wonder how a mother can sit back and watch her child stay out of school. Everything I earn is for my son. I am working for my son, his happiness is my gain.

Op, needs to be humble. The husband is really trying to be with a self-centered woman like her.

Oyindidi:
I wonder how a mother can sit back and watch her child stay out of school. Everything I earn is for my son. I am working for my son, his happiness is my gain.

Op, needs to be humble. The husband is really trying to be with a self-centered woman like her.

She must have seen a lot. You know she will not completely say everything here.

From what she have written, she have seen a lot.

She isn't self centered, kindly take a look at some words coming from the husband.

mrphysics:

She must have seen a lot. You know she will not completely say everything here.

From what she have written, she have seen a lot.

She isn't self centered, kindly take a look at some words coming from the husband.

My sister, I'm being careful not to be judgemental but op is not humble. If the husband should create his own thread here , you'll understand what I'm talking about.

Laeroy:


The only job I have is the laundry service which I offer.....I really don't earn much from it. dats my pain......On an average i only earn 25,000 every month....but I'm ready to leave and start life somewhere else...I only want a share of my possessions for the past years I have been with him....I feel he used me in the past and must pay for it....

You don't need a share of his possessions. You do can well without him.
One thing you can do is to be RADICAL about it, Sell them off without his knowledge & say you did it cuz of your child's school. At this point you need to do something to survive.

Please don't listen to people telling you to find marriage counselor or Pastor. Who has time for that Rubbish?
Someone threaten you to leave his house wants to bring someone in for sure.
Since you have 450k, Please start looking for what to invest in. Don't go and rent a house with the money oh.

In conclusion, Please do the needful ASAP.
Even though we haven't heard from your Husband's side. I want to believe what you are saying is True.

Oyindidi:
My sister , I'm being careful not to be judgemental but op is not humble. If the husband should create his own thread here , you'll understand what I'm talking about.

I am a guy oo Mr Physics

mrphysics:


I am a guy oo Mr Physics

Sorry about that, MrPhysis

Oyindidi:
Sorry about that, MrPhysics

Pity your fellow woman

Hi dear,

I usually like to mind my business...lol but, on reading this, I just feel I need to draw your attention to some things, as I can relate to some of the things you wrote above, having been married for several years now and also from observing other people's marriages.

Money has a way of making one lose value in the sight of others when one doesn't have it but, the truth of the matter is, the value of an individual goes beyond how much he has in his pocket at a particular time. Your husband is losing value in your sight, because of the present financial challenges hence, making you lose RESPECT for him.

You need to remind yourself of the value you saw in him that made you marry him and also leave your job and relocate to where he stays. For instance, from reading your write up, I can see that he is a good planner and by implementing his plan you are already running a laundry business which is profitable. If this is well harnessed, you will be surprised at how much you can do together as each person focuses on the strength of the other.

Also, a man doesn't need/want another man in his house else, he would have married his best friend. A woman's strength lies in her softness not GRA GRA because that is what attracted him to you in the first place. You need to calm down!!! Your husband his not your rival or competitor. You are both a team working together to better each other and your children's lives.

Look to God to reward you for the sacrifices you are making for your home. HE has a way of blessing you when you least expect it, when you do it in obedience to Him knowing that marriage is his idea.

If my mother waited for my father to sponsor the children's education, my siblings and I will all be illiterates today. In the long run, it doesn't matter who gets the job done as long as it is done! Enroll your child in a school that you can afford without unsettling your home. Do whatever you need to do without expecting your husband's input and you will become invaluable to him. I can't promise you that he will eventually meet you where you want to be met but, you will start to gain his RESPECT which is what you need to stop all his threats.

Shalom!

madam calm down,try to invite both families & ur pastor to ur home to resolve dis issue also continue saving ur money cos anything can happen.pls ur child is ur future pls enroll d lil one into school,becarefull so u wont make mistake

OP, your reasons for wanting to get a divorce is so so so trivial... honestly it doesnt hold water.

he might not be the best of husbands and might be abusive with his words... but no matter what, its still your home, you should be the keeper, just decide to LOVE that man even above his flaws... and pray he turns better then watch him progress...

its a good thing you are saving but please be more supportive, atleast your daughter should be in school, who are you really saving for when she is at home.

you have a nice family, thousands are praying to have half of what you have, and you just want to throw yours away... marriage isnt a bed of roses. but you can still make yours one. all depends on you, love conquers all.

pray and help your man get a better job, dont look down on him or challenge him, he is still the head... you guys should have a proper talk, and let him know divorce isnt even an option... its on you two to make your home work.

All the best, think twice before you make that decision. make your family work.

Oyindidi:
I wonder how a mother can sit back and watch her child stay out of school. Everything I earn is for my son. I am working for my son, his happiness is my gain.

Op, needs to be humble. The husband is really trying to be with a self-centered woman like her.

My brother i thought women r only wicked to there house maid.never knew to her own kids.

Save ur money and turn ur child to illiterate . U didnt even pity ur husband ..he is trying to build a comfortable home for u and ur child . ur trying to rub shoulder to ur husband . 2-3yr now if that man finally make it and go marry a new young pretty wife .u will say he is wicked u suffered with him.. Look at the stress ur giving him ? U knew HE DON'T av d money for Daughter schl fee. and U have but u refuse to pay. Giving the man high blood pressure..let me ask u a simple question..

even if u divorced , will you be able to bear it knowing well ur child is at home all day with u ?

i have always said it that if the only thing a woman can offer in a relationship is sex then bro you have no right been with that woman cos every woman can offer you sex it has to be something her value and self worth is what will make her unique...likewise to a man if it is money then he is not the right man it has to be something else even though money is important but strip him of that money talk and see if he can offer you anything...now what i feel between you and your hubby is the clash of ego he feels you dont respect him because you have money and you feel he is not man enough financially now tell us pls...
do you still love your husband?
what is the bone of contention what is causing the divource threat,what did you do?
do you even know your hubby well enough like his temperament trait and his love language?
have you thought of the psychological effect of the divource on your daughter?

MizMyColi:
You seem an industrious one.

I don't like that the little one does not go to school yet.

Instead of fighting for possessions, why don't you focus on making more money, looking for other ways to fend for yourself and the little one, and doing stuff that makes you happy.

Do you have somewhere you can go to and comfortably live should he decide that you leave?

If he keeps regurgitating that rhetoric, how about involving immediate family members?

Meanwhile, there is something I wish to bring to your attention...
It is your state of mind.

From what I read, it seems that you have given up on him and your mind focuses a lot on the big day of separation when you will finally leave him and have a shot at starting your own life.

Would it be too much if I request that you shift your perspective to something more positive and all encompassing?

Can you do that for the sake of the little one?

It is a simple law of the universe that whatever you allow your mind focus on for so long is what you attract.

So Sis...

Don't mind that this is a public forum.
You should picture me sit with you, and with a deep expression of concern and love for you; I ask....

What do you really want?
What do you want?

Do you want him to keep behaving that way and perhaps one day, he injures you, and you still end up leaving?

Do you like that you are so bitter and judgemental at him?

Do you like that the love between two of you has grown to become bitter resentment and hate?

Do you like that you are not happy?

These questions I ask should help you arrive at a decision on what it is you truly, truly desire.

If I were in your shoes, my first priority would be to feel good, and always happy, no matter the unrepentant douchebag I live with.

Another priority would be to enrol my child in a school I can afford, or wish to afford.

Other things may follow.


If you rid your mind of negativity, and focus more on loving yourself and your child....while forgiving your husband and wishing him well, and then applying a bit of patience, and WISDOM....

I see no reason why your marriage should not be happy.

Point is, are you willing?

It is easier to love than to hate, but for some sick reason, we humans somehow prefer hate and all that load of negativity.

Choice is yours..

Greetings.

I just love you my sister.