You cannot negotiate Desire.

This is a very simple principle that most Men and the vast majority of women are willfully ignorant of. One the most common personal problems I’ve been asked advice for in the past 10 years is some variation of “how do I get her back?” Usually this breaks down into men seeking some methodology to return his relationship to an earlier state where a previously passionate woman couldn’t keep her hands off of him. Six months into a comfortable familiarity and the thrill is gone, but in truth it’s the genuine desire that is gone.

It’s often at this stage that a man will resort to negotiation. Sometimes this can be as subtle as him progressively doing things for her in the hopes that she’ll reciprocate with the same sexual fervor they used to have. Other times a married couple may go to marriage counseling to “resolve their sex issues” and negotiate terms for her sexual compliance. He’ll promise to do the dishes and a load of laundry more often in exchange for her feigned sexual interest in him. Yet, no matter what terms are offered, no matter how great an external effort he makes so deserving of reward, the genuine desire is not there for her. In fact, she feels worse for not having the desire after such efforts were made for her compliance.

Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance.

This is why her post-negotiation sexual response is often so lackluster and the source of even further frustration on his part. She may be more sexually available to him, but the half-hearted experience is never the same as when they first met when there was no negotiation, just spontaneous desire for each other.

From a male perspective, and particularly that of an uninitiated beta male, negotiation of desire seems a rational solution to the problem. Men tend to innately rely on deductive reasoning; otherwise known as an “if then” logic stream. The code is often something like this:

I need sex + women have the sex I want + query women about their conditions for sex + meet prerequisites for sex = the sex I want.

Makes sense right? It’s simple economics, but built on a foundation that relies on a woman’s accurate self-evaluations. The genuine desire they used to experience at the outset of their relationship was predicated upon a completely unknown set of variables. Overtly communicating a desire for reciprocal desire creates obligation, and sometimes even ultimatums. Genuine desire is something a person must come to – or be led to – on their own volition. You can force a woman by threat to comply with behaving in a desired manner, but you cannot make her want to behave that way. A prostitute will Bleep you for an exchange, it doesn’t mean she wants to.

Whether LTR or a one night stand (ONS) strive for genuine desire in your relationships. Half of the battle is knowing you want to be with a woman who wants to please you, not one who feels obligated to. You will never draw this genuine desire from her by overt means, but you can covertly lead her to this genuine desire. The trick in provoking real desire is in keeping her ignorant of your intent to provoke it. Real desire is created by her thinking it’s something she wants, not something she has to do.

https://therationalmale.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/

Cc: Innovestor, menxer, plainol, Rilokiley

@Mindfulness:

From a woman's perspective, what do you think a man can do to maintain his desirability status to his wife?
Cc: MMotimo

@5thElement:

From a man's perspective, what can a woman do to maintain her desirability status to her husband?

Please go through the OP

Cc: crackhaus
LewsTherin

bukatyne:
@Mindfulness:

From a woman's perspective, what do you think a man can do to maintain his desirability status to his wife?
Cc: MMotimo

@5thElement:

From a man's perspective, what can a woman do to maintain her desirability status to her husband?

Please go through the OP

Cc: crackhaus
LewsTherin

Men certainly want different things from their spouses but I think the general ones include:


1. Cheerfulness: It's quite difficult to ignore a cheerful personality. Most men will wanna come home to this winning attitude all the time. So, smile a lot and laugh. Not only does it improve your overall mental health, wearing a smile can give a boost to your beauty.


2. Humility: This is the true beauty of a woman. And the true power of a woman. No woman who possesses this can have a broken home. Under this virtue is submission to the husband and respect for him. This may sound archaic and old school but did it work for our forebears or not?


We may say the women of those days suffered a lot. Truth is, the people of those days suffered a lot. It was the times and not the people. Now, people have most of what they want materially but have no stable home. The woman is competing with the man for the position of "husband" in the home these days.



3. Personal hygiene and general cleanliness: Boosting your health and making you confident. A confident woman is a very attractive woman and nothing gives you that much confidence as neatness and cleanliness and order. You become a role model your husband aspire to.

Some women go around with wrapper that hasn't seen water since she packed into her marital home.

Cultivates a bacterial culture giving off mind bending halitosis from her mouth, armpits are like the amazon jungle in Brazil, I won't even try to describe the stench oozing from the nether regions, the place the should ordinarily send a man to temporary paradise becomes a place where the man avoids if he doesn't want to embark on a journey of no return.

You don't have to pack heavy pancake on your face all the time. Light touch if you must use makeup and wisp of perfume should do the trick.

You'll be in your car in Ikeja, and you'll be perceiving the fragrance of some women boarding bus in Yaba.



4. Industry: It goes without saying that a woman must be industrious if she wants to stay married. A lazy wife will not be able to keep her home. The home is the fortress of the entire family and she is the General in the home. The children find comfort and recharge their emotional batteries at home. When your husband is proud to bring guests home, when he rushes back from work everyday just to be home, you know you're doing something right.

Also, having your own side hustle to support yourself and your family is very wise. A woman doing all these will reap the benefits when the kids have all flown the coop and she now shares the home alone with her husband again.


5. Good culinary skills: Well, what can I say. Many a man have been stolen from a woman through the battle of the stomach. With all these slay mamas using bedroom and kitchen skills to turn faithful husbands into faithful sugar daddies, a woman will do well to keep her family well fed according to their means.


6. Mind blowing SEX: Don't ever ignore this. If you don't enjoy sex with your husband, talk to him about it. Tell him what you like. If possible, see a a therapist together. Sex can not be ignored. The man is bombarded day in day out with sexual innuendo from billboards, internet, movies, and even just plain walking on the streets and seeing awon omo irole aye (end time pikins) wearing skimpy tops with their boobs threatening to fall out and skirts that start at their waists and end at their navels.


If you've been neglecting this aspect of your marital life, its only a matter of time before you catch your husband masturbating in the shower to porn videos on his phone or he brings home elders to come and appeal to you to forgive him for impregnating the neighbors daughter.


Don't wait for your husband to initiate sex ALL the time. Surprise him. Start with a massage, end with mind-blowing orgasms.

Do a me-and-my-husband-alone time in the bath tub.

Suggest sex vacations. Ship the kids off to your grandparents for hols, and reignite the fires of your passion. Make sure at the end of the vacation, he'll never look at another woman.


7. Pray: Pray for your husband, pray for your children, pray for yourself. Pray, pray, pray. No matter what the world tells you, prayer does work. Pray together as a family too.


A combination of all these, and you'll be eternally desirable to your husband because he'll never be able to find someone like you.

I'm sure I've left out some stuff, but I think this post is getting too long. I don't want Lalasticlala to ban me.

One reason I think there are more "what women need to do" than "what men need to do" is because, IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, a man's desire is relatively straightforward. Admittedly, there are some exceptions to the rule, but generally the rule for men can be boiled down to "Keep his stomach full and his balls empty". This may sound crude, but in essence, men require the comfort of a comfortable home - which is not just about food by the way, and good sex from a willing partner. Respect, and all the other virtues in proverbs should be easy with a woman who is willing to give her man what he wants.

On the flip side, women being more emotional are not so easy to pin down. I believe women want comfort and security but the terms of comfort and security vary widely from woman to woman. When a man meets the comfort and security standards he is ok with, he reasons he has met the woman's needs but the woman may not even accept he has begun to meet her needs. And as is too often the case, she begins to resent instead of being clear on what she wants.

Now I believe that desire, while basically a chemical process, can still be a choice. The decision to please your spouse, to love your spouse, when taken in truth, will eventually generate the chemical responses that we feel as sexual desire. It all boils down to honestly taking a decision with oneself while being honest with oneself. A person can decide to love their spouse while deep within resenting the spouse. It's not easy as subconscious decisions are difficult to deal with but it is doable.

I love my wife because I choose to love her. There are times she drives me up the wall, there are times she forgets I exist because the kids and her health are filling her mind. But it doesn't change the fact that I have decided to love her for eternity and so no matter what, I still find her very sexually attractive.

It helps that she happens to be a virtuous woman too.

5thElement:


Men certainly want different things from their spouses but I think the general ones include:


1. Cheerfulness: It's quite difficult to ignore a cheerful personality. Most men will wanna come home to this winning attitude all the time. So, smile a lot and laugh. Not only does it improve your overall mental health, wearing a smile can give a boost to your beauty.


2. Humility: This is the true beauty of a woman. And the true power of a woman. No woman who possesses this can have a broken home. Under this virtue is submission to the husband and respect for him. This may sound archaic and old school but did it work for our forebears or not?


We may say the women of those days suffered a lot. Truth is, the people of those days suffered a lot. It was the times and not the people. Now, people have most of what they want materially but have no stable home. The woman is competing with the man for the position of "husband" in the home these days.



3. Personal hygiene and general cleanliness: Boosting your health and making you confident. A confident woman is a very attractive woman and nothing gives you that much confidence as neatness and cleanliness and order. You become a role model your husband aspire to.

Some women go around with wrapper that hasn't seen water since she packed into her marital home.

Cultivates a bacterial culture giving off mind bending halitosis from her mouth, armpits are like the amazon jungle in Brazil, I won't even try to describe the stench oozing from the nether regions, the place the should ordinarily send a man to temporary paradise becomes a place where the man avoids if he doesn't want to embark on a journey of no return.

You don't have to pack heavy pancake on your face all the time. Light touch if you must use makeup and wisp of perfume should do the trick.

You'll be in your car in Ikeja, and you'll be perceiving the fragrance of some women boarding bus in Yaba.



4. Industry: It goes without saying that a woman must be industrious if she wants to stay married. A lazy wife will not be able to keep her home. The home is the fortress of the entire family and she is the General in the home. The children find comfort and recharge their emotional batteries at home. When your husband is proud to bring guests home, when he rushes back from work everyday just to be home, you know you're doing something right.

Also, having your own side hustle to support yourself and your family is very wise. A woman doing all these will reap the benefits when the kids have all flown the coop and she now shares the home alone with her husband again.


5. Good culinary skills: Well, what can I say. Many a man have been stolen from a woman through the battle of the stomach. With all these slay mamas using bedroom and kitchen skills to turn faithful husbands into faithful sugar daddies, a woman will do well to keep her family well fed according to their means.


6. Mind blowing SEX: Don't ever ignore this. If you don't enjoy sex with your husband, talk to him about it. Tell him what you like. If possible, see a a therapist together. Sex can not be ignored. The man is bombarded day in day out with sexual innuendo from billboards, internet, movies, and even just plain walking on the streets and seeing awon omo irole aye (end time pikins) wearing skimpy tops with their boobs threatening to fall out and skirts that start at their waists and end at their navels.


If you've been neglecting this aspect of your marital life, its only a matter of time before you catch your husband masturbating in the shower to porn videos on his phone or he brings home elders to come and appeal to you to forgive him for impregnating the neighbors daughter.


Don't wait for your husband to initiate sex ALL the time. Surprise him. Start with a massage, end with mind-blowing orgasms.

Do a me-and-my-husband-alone time in the bath tub.

Suggest sex vacations. Ship the kids off to your grandparents for hols, and reignite the fires of your passion. Make sure at the end of the vacation, he'll never look at another woman.


7. Pray: Pray for your husband, pray for your children, pray for yourself. Pray, pray, pray. No matter what the world tells you, prayer does work. Pray together as a family too.


A combination of all these, and you'll be eternally desirable to your husband because he'll never be able to find someone like you.

I'm sure I've left out some stuff, but I think this post is getting too long. I don't want Lalasticlala to ban me.

Nice write-up and certainly not too long but I still believe that while for many people many of the aspects you have mentioned apply, others do not at all.

bukatyne:
@Mindfulness:

From a woman's perspective, what do you think a man can do to maintain his desirability status to his wife?

Same things that attracted me to him in the first place. I am very sporty and have been working out for decades now, watching my weight and I prefer a man who does same. I tried to be with someone who was the opposite in the past, I got disgusted pretty quickly. I also like men who take personal hygiene very very seriously, who smell good (it is a trigger for me) and who do not fart around me and who I am not ashamed of in a restaurant, men with good manners. He must be handsome and tall and dress well, be confident and articulate, hard-working, friendly, polite and smart. He has to know how to touch a woman and size matters to me. We must have the same sense of humor because laughter helps relax. A stressed woman has a lower libido. And he must have his own thing going on (hobbies and friendships) else it will get boring. I will stop here because I could write a book praising the man I am blessed with now.

However, there are times when he can do nothing to heat it up. After the loss of a loved one, there is nothing that will make me want s.ex. I have also noticed that my libido declines when I neglect my workout. Women should be told that good blood circulation does wonders to their libido.

Mindfulness:


Nice write-up and certainly not too long but I still believe that while for many people many of the aspects you have mentioned apply, others do not at all.

Thanks.

Could you kindly mention those points that you think do not apply to others?

Different people want different things from their women though.

A woman who has all I mentioned, I will definitely make my queen and lay the world, my world, at her feet.

5thElement:


Thanks.

Could you kindly mention those points that you think do not apply to others?
Different people want different things from their women though.

A man who is not religious would not care whether she prays or doesn't. Some men would even avoid religious ladies. For example.

A woman who has all I mentioned, I will definitely make my queen and lay the world, my world, at her feet.

That's because this is the list of your very personal preference.

Mindfulness:


A man who is not religious would not care whether she prays or doesn't. Some men would even avoid religious ladies. For example.



That's because this is the list of your very personal preference.

You could be right. But in the long run an irreligious man may not care to keep a monogamous life style you know.

And I'd be forced to wonder what a religious woman was doing hooked to someone who doesn't share her system of belief.

5thElement:


You could be right. But in the long run an irreligious man may not care to keep a monogamous life style you know.

Are you telling me that religious folks have higher morality standards? In Nigeria?

And I'd be forced to wonder what a religious woman was doing hooked to someone who doesn't share her system of belief.

They want God-fearing men until desperation sets in.

LewsTherin:
One reason I think there are more "what women need to do" than "what men need to do" is because, IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, a man's desire is relatively straightforward. Admittedly, there are some exceptions to the rule, but generally the rule for men can be boiled down to "Keep his stomach full and his balls empty". This may sound crude, but in essence, men require the comfort of a comfortable home - which is not just about food by the way, and good sex from a willing partner. Respect, and all the other virtues in proverbs should be easy with a woman who is willing to give her man what he wants.

On the flip side, women being more emotional are not so easy to pin down. I believe women want comfort and security but the terms of comfort and security vary widely from woman to woman. When a man meets the comfort and security standards he is ok with, he reasons he has met the woman's needs but the woman may not even accept he has begun to meet her needs. And as is too often the case, she begins to resent instead of being clear on what she wants.

Now I believe that desire, while basically a chemical process, can still be a choice. The decision to please your spouse, to love your spouse, when taken in truth, will eventually generate the chemical responses that we feel as sexual desire. It all boils down to honestly taking a decision with oneself while being honest with oneself. A person can decide to love their spouse while deep within resenting the spouse. It's not easy as subconscious decisions are difficult to deal with but it is doable.

I love my wife because I choose to love her. There are times she drives me up the wall, there are times she forgets I exist because the kids and her health are filling her mind. But it doesn't change the fact that I have decided to love her for eternity and so no matter what, I still find her very sexually attractive.

It helps that she happens to be a virtuous woman too.

Thank you very much for this post.

@Bold: So sweet

We can work on our desires for our spouses.

Mindfulness:


Are you telling me that religious folks have higher morality standards? In Nigeria?



They want God-fearing men until desperation sets in.

Lol. You are right.

Mindfulness:


Same things that attracted me to him in the first place. I am very sporty and have been working out for decades now, watching my weight and I prefer a man who does same. I tried to be with someone who was the opposite in the past, I got disgusted pretty quickly. I also like men who take personal hygiene very very seriously, who smell good (it is a trigger for me) and who do not fart around me and who I am not ashamed of in a restaurant, men with good manners. He must be handsome and tall and dress well, be confident and articulate, hard-working, friendly, polite and smart. He has to know how to touch a woman and size matters to me. We must have the same sense of humor because laughter helps relax. A stressed woman has a lower libido. And he must have his own thing going on (hobbies and friendships) else it will get boring. I will stop here because I could write a book praising the man I am blessed with now.

However, there are times when he can do nothing to heat it up. After the loss of a loved one, there is nothing that will make me want s.ex. I have also noticed that my libido declines when I neglect my workout. Women should be told that good blood circulation does wonders to their libido.

You already have a thesis going here

The author is looking at instances when the libido is not there just because...... however, will pop out when the wife wants something or for someone else.

To maintain his desirability?

I have no other sex partners and I enjoy the act so my needs are simple:

Stay in shape, considerate lover, good hygiene, listening ear, respect and kindness towards me, caring, be a great husband and father. Last but not least, a desire to grow in the Christian walk.