Dear readers,

She was born with the proverbial silver spoon , she smokes and clubs. All these she kept from her husband and when he eventually found out, it was too late. Today's writer needs your advice to make a decision concerning his wife's behaviour. Please, read and counsel him. Thanks, Monica Taiwo.


Dear Taiwo,

Please, help me before my wife takes life out of me. Since I got married eight years ago, my life has never been the same again; it has been from one problem to the other. My wife has trauamtised my life and that of our only son. She has made our life a misery. I want you and your readers to, please, advise me before I take a drastic action.


My story started when I met my wife, Kemi, back in our university days. I had lived with my parents all my life even as a bachelor, I lived with them because I went to the university in the state where my parents reside, so I was always with them. Don't think I am a spoilt child because of this, no. My parents did not spare the rod or exempt me from duties; they made sure they shared the house chores equally between us. I had two elder sisters and a younger brother. 


When I met Kemi in the university, I introduced her to my parents immediately and she was quickly absorbed into our family because naturally, Kemi was an amiable person.


After introducing Kemi to my family, we became so intimate and our expectation was to get married very soon.


However, it wasn't long before I started noticing some strange behaviour in Kemi. The first thing I noticed was that she was always chewing gum and eating sweets.


I admonished her on this because I couldn't stand a woman who does those things. I thought it was her orientation,  the way she was brought up. I was bent on helping her to put an end to it. Kemi herself promised to stop this, saying it was a bad habit she grew up with and that she was ready to stop it at all costs.


Little did I know that my Kemi was a chain smoker and that those things were to freshen her breadth after smoking.


On a fateful day, she took me to visit her parents after so much persuasion. In fact, I didn't know Kemi's parents were so rich. The house was extravagant and excessively furnished.


To tell you the truth, I felt jittery  and all I could do was pretend as if I was okay. Taiwo, it is not as if my parents are common church rats who lived in penury, but Kemi's affluence told a different story about her. I started seeing her in a new light. It was after she saw my disbelief that she revealed to me that her dad was a top government officials and her mother, a renowed business woman.


That day, I developed cold feet because of what I saw, but to my surprise, Kemi's parents and siblings received me warmly and said they would not stand on the way of their daughter's choice, whenever we were ready, they were ready to bless us. I was excited, but scared about such generosity and hospitality. All my fears vanished and my dashed hope of marrying the girl of my dream was revived.


Kemi and I continued our relationship and I made sure I monitored her to stop her  habits. But an amazing thing happened when I visited Kemi's family the second time.


Her parents were absent, but I met her younger sister in their sitting room smoking heavily. I was so shocked and confused. Immediately she saw me, she withdrew into her room laughing hysterically.

I was so shocked and I raised so many questions. I wondered what other things they do in their family and it suddenly dawned on me that that was the same reason Kemi was always chewing gums and eating sweets.


When we left their house, I confronted her with this fact and she didn't deny it. She said she had tried to stop smoking for a long time without much success. She had grown up smoking. This was hard to believe and there and then, I decided to put an end to the relatioship.


For a long period of time, I stopped seeing Kemi and when my parents, asked after her  - because she has become a regular visitor in our home. I would ignore them and sometimes lied that she travelled. I had, however, warned her to steer clear of my family. I didn't want anything to do with an undisciplined family who could soil my family's name.


I did this for sometime, but I couldn't cope, I became restless because even as much as I tried to avoid Kemi in school, she was coming to plead  and beg me; she even sent her friends to plead on her behalf; but I disregarded them, I said I didn't want to have anything to do with her any longer but deep down me, I knew I loved her.


One fateful Saturday, I was at home with my family when Kemi bustled in. When I saw her, I charged at her and confronted her with questions. She ignored me and went straight to my parents telling them to plead on her behalf. She promised to turn a new leaf. On hearing this, my mother could not resist it, you know women and their emotions, she started pleading on her behalf that I should forgive her no matter what she had done, even my siblings joined in the pleadings.


Taiwo, this was the end of this charade. I accepted Kemi  back on the promise that she would stop smoking which she did.


Our marriage was a big one and was the talk of the town. Kemi's parents were supportive and all embracing. Two years into our marriage, Kemi gave birth to our son, Jide. After, Kemi regained her strength after childbirth, she started misbehaving.


I can't really place the reason for this, but at first, I thought it was the stress she went through during labour that had made her unnecessarily harsh and unfriendly, but I was wrong. Kemi neglected her baby and I and started misbehaving. She left the house chores to the housemaid and sometimes, she would stay away all night.


Later, I started noticing she had started smoking again. This time coupled with heavy  drinking When I tried to raise the issue with her, she was agitated, she said I was the one who stopped her from being her real self all these while and that she was back and better. No one could stop her now. I was perplexed and asked her why she tricked me into marrying her in the first place. How would I cope with all these vices? Who will train our  children and inculcate true values into them? Kemi made me believe that she was not ready to have another child. When I informed her parents about her sudden change in attitude, they were not surprised. Obviously, they knew what their daughter was capable of doing. No wonder, they were ready to let her marry any riff raff. I couldn't help but blame my parents and siblings for not seeing beyond their emotional attachments. They pleaded for her the other time, but now, I am suffering . I love my wife no matter what, but how will I cope with this?


I had waited for  six years now, thinking she would change. Kemi had kept her promise not to have another child and I keep on living in misery. Taiwo, please, advise me on what to do.

Tayo

This is one of side effects of blind love. The situation is very pitiful for this love victim. But I think it is better be late for him than never.  I believe people will sort you out here, and also for people with similar cases.

No 1. In my own suggestion, though it is easier said than done, this is where every man needs to be strong. No eternal love until one gets to eternal with it. Man must be strong to resist any unworthy love at any time the situation warrants.

      This kinda girl is ready to waste the husband's life if he doesn't take care and quickly make a good decision. He was fail to discover that this kind of lady is not worth dying for.
     
      So, it is not still over for him, as it is never over for a man in love. He can still emancipate his heart from the lady and fall in new love. Besides, the miracle there is that he can not believe that he can still find a genuine lover until he tries it. But if he fails to try it this time, he can fail forever.

@writer all u need is seperation, ur wife needs to stay away from u guys 4 sometiime, so that she can re-evaluate what's really important in her life, if at the end of d break she still wants to be ur wife and d mother of ur child, then lay down d rules 4 her, but if she wants 2 keep destroying her life then either of u should file 4 a divorce. I know ur wife's type, she's held dt silver spoon in her mouth 4 so long that she nw thinks the world revolves around her backside, the fact that she's now a mother(d biggest bresponsibility of all times) makes no difference to her. What arrant rubbish!! Make a move fast b4 ur child starts picking up d evil habits cos children hav a way of always learning bad habits fast while d good ones need to be inculcated.

Maybe if u tried being more understanding things will look up. Smoking is merely a habit albeit a bad one especially in a lady in these parts, but u shld realize dat its a difficult habit to break. It doesn't neccesarilly mean she is a demon. U still seem to have a complex abt her families affluence, and dat might be colouring ur perceptions somewhat, relax, tell her u understand her vices and truly try to help. At least she doesn't sniff coke.

This is why i'm very wary of marriage. . .most especially when a woman starts pushing it by bringing up familiar questions such as "where is this relationship going" or "what is the future of our relationship". The way i see it, you never know the woman you married until she has a child or two for you.That's when the demons really come out.

@Post

I wouldn't want to be in that guys shoes for anything.Marriage is so scary these days that i sometimes wonder if i will ever marry.For one, i don't need unnecessary stress raising my blood pressure all in the name of "love".

End of!

@OP - Reading the long post, quite a few things jumped out at me.
It seems that despite your assertions to the contrary, you were quite overwhelmed by the wealth of your wife's family. In fact, it impressed you sufficiently enough to cloud your judgement and reason. This was partly the reason you made a judgement call against your gut instinct - Marrying this girl. Lets look at some of your comments -

After introducing Kemi to my family, we became so intimate and our expectation was to get married very soon.

How could you plan to get married to someone, when by your own very admission (later in your post), you had not met any member of her family, never met her parents, did not know where she came from? In fact, you really did not know a lot about her at this stage.

In fact, I didn't know Kemi's parents were so rich. The house was extravagant and excessively furnished.

Why would you furnish us with this information? Unless it was important to you, or it made an impression on you?

To tell you the truth, I felt jittery  and all I could do was pretend as if I was okay.

What exactly is making you jittery? Could it be your own insecurity?

Taiwo, it is not as if my parents are common church rats who lived in penury, but Kemi's affluence told a different story about her. I started seeing her in a new light.

Well, this statement explains it at last. You feel the need to justify your background - though no one is questioning it. You admit you start seeing the girl in a different light - What light is that exactly? And you say "Kemi's affluence told a different story about her" - What story exactly? That someone from such an affluent family could want someone like you?

but to my surprise, Kemi's parents and siblings received me warmly and said they would not stand on the way of their daughter's choice

This is such a revealing statement. You were ready to be rejected because you have a deep rooted insecurity. U already assumed they would not think "you were good enough" - And their statement about not standing in their daughters way, confirms what you originally thought - That you are not up to their standards, but if that's what Kemi wants, then so be it.

Taiwo, this was the end of this charade. I accepted Kemi  back on the promise that she would stop smoking which she did.

So you accept that your resistance was a charade? You were never really going to break up with her, were you? - because you really didnt think you could find anyone better!

She left the house chores to the housemaid and sometimes, she would stay away all night.

Stay away where? Sleep out of the marital home? What did you do about this?

Later, I started noticing she had started smoking again. This time coupled with heavy  drinking When I tried to raise the issue with her, she was agitated,

Her drinking isn't new, and you know that. You just chose to ignore it before.

I was perplexed and asked her why she tricked me into marrying her in the first place.

The fact that you are asking her this questions, shows your state of mind and the lack of authority you wield in your marriage

No wonder, they were ready to let her marry any[b] riff raff[/b].

You finally voice your insecurity. You have always considered yourself "riff raff" beside Kemi. She knew it, and her family knew it.

I love my wife no matter what, but how will I cope with this?

This statement encapsulates the totality of this situation. Have you tried to articulate to yourself what it is exactly you love about your wife? Your post contains no information about her good points, what she does for you, or the children, etc.  In fact you have accused her of neglecting the children. What exactly do you love about her? -  OR are you simply in love with the idea of being married to someone like her? From her background? With her family's money?

You married her knowing these vices, choosing to believe she will change, admitted you were going to marry her anyways. You accepted the behaviour - for 6 yrs. You also confirm you love her NO MATTER WHAT.

You see, Kemi knows you were impressed by her family's wealth. She knows that you wonder why she chose a "riff raff" like you. She knows it made you insecure. She know you do not think you can get better. She knows you love her no matter what. She knows you do not have the guts to leave. She knows all this, and that's is why she is confident in her behaviour. This is why she married you. And until you develop some guts, become the man that you are meant to be, and regain control of your relationship, this situation will NOT change.

Romeo4real:

@OP - Reading the long post, quite a few things jumped out at me.
It seems that despite your assertions to the contrary, you were quite overwhelmed by the wealth of your wife's family. In fact, it impressed you sufficiently enough to cloud your judgement and reason. This was partly the reason you made a judgement call against your gut instinct - Marrying this girl. Lets look at some of your comments -
How could you plan to get married to someone, when by your own very admission (later in your post), you had not met any member of her family, never met her parents, did not know where she came from? In fact, you did not know a lot about her at this stage.
Why would you furnish us with this information? Unless it was important to you, or it made an impression on you?
What exactly is making you jittery? Could it be your own insecurity?
Well, this statement explains it at last. You feel the need to justify your background - though no one is questioning it. You admit you start seeing the girl in a different light - What light bis that exactly? And you say "Kemi's affluence told a different story about her" - What story exactly? That someone from such an affluent family could want someone like you?
This is such a revealing statement. You were ready to be rejected because you have a deep rooted insecurity. U already assumed they would not think "you were good enough". Their statement about not standing in their daughters way also confirms what you originally thot - That you are not up to their standards, but if that's what Kemi wants, then so be it.
So you accept that was resistance was a charade? You were never really going to break up with her - because you don't think you could find anyone better.
Stay away where? Sleep out of the marital home? What did you do about this?
Her drinking isn't new, and you know that. You just chose to ignore it before.
The fact that you are asking her this questions shows your state of mind and the lack of authority you wield in your marriage
You finally voice your insecurity. You have always considered yourself "riff raff" beside Kemi. She knew it, and her family knew it.
This statement encapsulates the totality of this situation. Have you tried to articulate to yourself what it is exactly you love about your wife? Your post contains no information about her good points, what she does for your, or the children, etc. In fact you have accused her of neglecting the children. What exactly do you love about her/ OR are you in love with the idea of being married to someone like her? From her background? With her family's money?

You married her knowing these vices, choosing to believe she will change, admitted you were going to marry her anyways. You accepted the behaviour - for 6 yrs. You also confirm you love her NO MATTER WHAT.

You see, Kemi knows you were impressed by her family's wealth. She knows that you wonder why she chose a "riff raff" like you. She knows it made you insecure. She know you do not think you can get better. She knows you love her no matter what. She knows you do not have the guts to leave. She knows all this, and that's is why she is confident in her behaviour. This is why she married you. And until you develop some guts, and become regain control of your relationship, this situation will not change.

Wow, Talk about breaking it down!, You are so right

IAM NOT AMUSED by the above attempt to psychoanalyse the OP.
The guy is a confused dude, no doubt. But even if he is an insecure riff-raff, with less than well to do parents, HOW DOES THIS MAKE LESS OF HIS PROBLEM ? ?
I notice the psychanalyst is female. Why can't she just call a spade a spade ?
What's wrong is wrong. Even if you hav no pity for the OP what about the child involved in all of this ?
Abeg, provide this man with solutions and stop to find fault with him. . .

^^^^^


I do not completely agree with the analysis myself but I remember reading a proferred solution in the last paragraph.