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Redefining Everyone's Roles And Duties In A Successful Marriage - Family - Nairaland

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Redefining Everyone's Roles And Duties In A Successful Marriage by spyder880(m): 11:23am On May 20, 2018
This thread is birthed as a response to the many questions I see younger people ask, and as a way of adding one or two new ideas into the lovely families we have everywhere. Please note that the opinions are all mine and are based on a combination of some intense research on what made older couples stay long and happy in marriages, everyday living experience and from watching younger families struggling through marriages.

The opinions raised here are therefore not meant to criticize, condemn or accuse anyone, but to educate, encourage and guide each other through the difficult stages of marriage. You shall all overcome and live a happy, fulfilling lives ever after.

WHAT A MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE

A marriage is supposed to be a permanent union between TWO consenting adults, and meant to satisfy the age old need for friendship and companionship. Emphasis should be on the word TWO. Any other person in a marriage is a passer by. Marriage is not a contest, or a war where one person must win. It's an institution where both the man and woman should aspire to win together. For two to win together, there must be love, and trust. Can two walk together except they agree?

THE EXPECTED ROLE OF A MAN IN A MARRIAGE
The man in a marriage is supposed to be the leader of the family, and so nature has bestowed on him the necessary attributes of leadership, his physique and carriage should always communicate confidence, radiate strength and authority in the home. The buck stops at his table and all difficult decisions must have his input when he is available.

The job of provision of resources for the family falls squarely on the man. Feeding expenses, School fees, house rent, medical bills, utility bills and all other expenses falls in the line of the man's duties. The man must also make sure the wife is sexually satisfied always, as this is one of the needs of humans.

Another important duty of the man should be security. The man should secure his house as best as he can, with everything he can. Protection of his wife and children from external aggression is the man's duty. Even protection from extended family members and their antics.

I must also add here, that if the woman adds to the resources in the home, its most welcomed, and should be appreciated. The man must make it easy for the wife and children to perform their own duties efficiently by loving his family and being ready to offer his best to them as a priority.

THE EXPECTED ROLE OF A WOMAN IN A MARRIAGE
The woman is very important in a marriage, some may argue that she is the most important member of the family. It's a woman's job to collect the resources provided by the man and use in an optimal manner to squeeze out the best succour for the family. She must be ready to do all duties in the house from cooking to keeping the house clean. She must also compliment the efforts of the husband while taking care of the immediate needs of the children.

One of the most important duties of the woman should be to regulate the emotional temperature of the home. She should shower her husband and children with love and attention. Providing a cover for her husband by keeping the family functional, while the man is away making money. If the woman cannot keep up with the physical demands of running the home, she should get help, but remember,she is only delegating, not abdicating her responsibilities.

Of course the woman can also work and make money, and even follow her career till the very top, but it must never be to the detriment of her family. The children and even husband must always come first in her priority.

THE EXPECTED ROLE OF THE IN LAWS, FRIENDS AND NEIGHBOURS IN A MARRIAGE
Whether you are the mother, father, brothers, sisters and cousins of the married couple, and all other extended relatives, friends, colleagues and neighbours, you are a pedestrian in the marriage. You are a rank outsider and your opinion about the issues pertaining to the married couple is insignificant. You are just a passer by, and must restrict your participation in a marriage and issues in it to only when you are needed, and it must be as brief as possible. Please allow couples handle their issues their own way, without you making interferences that might skew the issues into bigger problems.

Stop the habit of turning up unannounced into your relatives homes, or checking if the wife is feeding the man or if the man does not help out in domestic chores. Who appointed you a detective anyway? Is it your duty to judge the lives of others? Who employed you as judge?

Stop taking sides because he or she is your child or sibling. Stop rushing to her aid, rather advice him or her to face the marriage, and fix it with love. Provide support and encouragement to the couples, pray without ceasing for them and lead by example. Let every couple look at you, and draw lessons on how to be peacefully married.

MUST EVERY MARRIAGE BE PERFECT?
Humans are the most flawed creatures, so filled with impurities and imperfections, how then do we expect marriages between humans, who are inherently imperfect to be perfect?

Yet, humans are ordained to marry, as GOD himself did at the garden of Eden. Since we must marry, we must work on our marriages to be very near perfect. It takes hardwork, a lot of it to make the family a sweet and lovely affair. There must be companionship, mutual love and respect, knowledge of each other's limitations, and ignoring the limitations, instead showering them with love and respect. The attention you bring may solve the limitations and weaknesses, if its spiced with love.

There must be good communication between the two couple, I usually advice couples to close out every gap that allows friends and family to wander through, your secrets must remain with you two, nobody else has a right to know. Your spouse must be your best companion whom you should be able to trust.

Even as I preach companionship, I also recognise the need for space. You must not choke each other with your every minute physical presence, or needless chatter, learn to provide your spouse with some space to attend to his or her work, reply to online messages and make calls.

Thanks all.

Spyder880 has been blissfully married for nearly 15 years, and counting.

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Re: Redefining Everyone's Roles And Duties In A Successful Marriage by spyder880(m): 11:24am On May 20, 2018
Comments are most welcome.
Re: Redefining Everyone's Roles And Duties In A Successful Marriage by olaitoro(m): 3:30pm On May 20, 2018
Is nice seeing my Engineer writing on other vital issues.

Nice one Engr Ken.

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Re: Redefining Everyone's Roles And Duties In A Successful Marriage by tunjilana: 4:15pm On May 20, 2018
I agree with everything except the concept of roles. The confusion we have these days is cos people have been raised to believe there are defined roles in marriage but reality is proving those roles don't work most times(We have to understand times have/are changing). Anyone who has been raised to be rigid will keep expecting the other to fit their expectation regarding roles and will never believe they should step into those roles even if it is obvious they need to and they can.

I will rather we stick to what you said about winning together and the need to do all it takes to win together without taking eachother for granted. If you are a man whose work allows you get home at 5, don't mandate your wife to resign from her pursuit so she can take care of the kids, you will just create an unhappy woman and the family will suffer. If you need to, help your kids with homework, bathe them, play with them, it is not a crime. As a woman, if you have the capacity to improve the family's standard of living by adding your earnings, don't hold back, cos it is still the family that wins. Don't watch your man work 2 - 3 three jobs round the clock to provide while you hold back your resources, you will create an unhappy man and the family still loses.

I will raise my kids for duplicity, to be able to play both roles well. And I will never raise my daughter to believe there is a man out there who is meant to make it all happen. I will preach the need for partnership and winning together. This will help them prepare themselves ahead of time, my kids(male and female) will have no issues going dutch and winning together. Flexibility is key!

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