milemimi93:
The best is to marry an orphan..

but i'v neva seen any1 from an orphanage. They dnt open up

But that 2. Most women prefer their family member than any other person

ikorodureporta:

but i'v neva seen any1 from an orphanage. They dnt open up

When the grown, they most of them leave the orphanage homes

Nice

All these advice will work when you have reasonable in-laws....when you have in-laws that are troublesome, meddlesome,pugnacious...no amount of politics will save you. Best thing is to cut them off and live your life.

OK ooo

Naaaah! Even though this is the general perception, it is not absolute, my in-laws are my brothers n sisters and we relate as such. The moment u bring in that instinct of in-law.... U r bound to have a distorted mindset

Treat your in-laws like you treat your family (they are also your wife's in-law).

davodyguy:

There have always been serious issues between myself and my wife over families.

We have a policy in my family, which is to always respect privacy. We visit only when necessary and call/Text most times. My wife and her family on the other hand, they love to visit and like to even stay overnight. Because of my almost zero tolerance for this, we always have issues and she thinks I hate her people.

Last December, I had to ship her out to UAE for Christmas, when I heard she planned having her siblings come in from 24th December, till 2nd January, 2018.

Its always a battle, which she doesn't want to understand, that relatives she not pass their boundaries, since we too are a couple with kids and need to face our lives.

Sometimes, they just pump in without notifying me the head of the house. As usual, I get reactive, but as the Yoruba's would say, its 'Îsó léñû. But its the duty of our wives to always understand what husbands want as the head after God. The parents of the wife have done the handing over and the man is now in charge

Boundaries just need to be set in every family.

I'm guessing you knew this about your wife and family and still went ahead to marry her but now you are trying to get her to change. Why aren't you the one changing?

hmmm

Very important topic here. Eye opening. Can’t even comment

A very well thought out opinion you just put down. I wouldn't just call it an opinion, I believe you just summarised a treatise on keeping a good husband and In-laws relationship. If any man has a wife who knows, understands and let him apply them in the home, the man is blessed among all men; and the home is always peaceful and progressing.

daewoorazer:

1. Never put up in in-law’s house!

2. Never accommodate family members!

3. Have a plan for all visitors!

4. Never accept financial aids NOR borrow from your in-laws

5. Scarcity is invaluable!

6. Respect and nobility will save you a lot!

7. Occasionally send gifts

All of it encompasses firmness and pride on the part of the husband while being respectful of the in-laws. Like I always say ''speak respectfully, but with firmness''. It's like self preservation - 'my family first'.
God bless you real good.

davodyguy:

There have always been serious issues between myself and my wife over families.

We have a policy in my family, which is to always respect privacy. We visit only when necessary and call/Text most times. My wife and her family on the other hand, they love to visit and like to even stay overnight. Because of my almost zero tolerance for this, we always have issues and she thinks I hate her people.

Last December, I had to ship her out to UAE for Christmas, when I heard she planned having her siblings come in from 24th December, till 2nd January, 2018.

Its always a battle, which she doesn't want to understand, that relatives she not pass their boundaries, since we too are a couple with kids and need to face our lives.

Sometimes, they just pump in without notifying me the head of the house. As usual, I get reactive, but as the Yoruba's would say, its 'Îsó léñû. But its the duty of our wives to always understand what husbands want as the head after God. The parents of the wife have done the handing over and the man is now in charge

Boundaries just need to be set in every family.

First and foremost you have to understand that you have different upbringing with her, you came from a family where everyone minds their business and she's from a close knitted family, everyone is in each other face and they love it that way. This is where understanding and compromise have to come with boundaries still!
You knew her type of family, don't make her feel you are separating her from them, let them visit (not all the time tho) with your permission and they shouldn't exceed a particular time frame or sometimes let her go over to see them.
Nothing beats staying with families during festivities, except you went along with her to Dubai.
All I'm trying to say is you can compromise albeit with boundaries.

This is an eye opener. Reading through this have opened a lot of secrets I never know exists in marriage.

Dear Lord, please help me whenever I'm ready to settle down. Grant me the wisdom to handle my home as you granted it to Solomon.

Amen.

Looool

I don't agree with rules 4 & 5 because I think the type of relationship you have with your inlaws define that. I don't see anything wrong in accepting/seeking financial aid from inlaws when needed. Generally speaking, these rules go both ways for women to manage their in-laws as well.

davodyguy:

There have always been serious issues between myself and my wife over families.

We have a policy in my family, which is to always respect privacy. We visit only when necessary and call/Text most times. My wife and her family on the other hand, they love to visit and like to even stay overnight. Because of my almost zero tolerance for this, we always have issues and she thinks I hate her people.

Last December, I had to ship her out to UAE for Christmas, when I heard she planned having her siblings come in from 24th December, till 2nd January, 2018.

Its always a battle, which she doesn't want to understand, that relatives she not pass their boundaries, since we too are a couple with kids and need to face our lives.

Sometimes, they just pump in without notifying me the head of the house. As usual, I get reactive, but as the Yoruba's would say, its 'Îsó léñû. But its the duty of our wives to always understand what husbands want as the head after God. The parents of the wife have done the handing over and the man is now in charge

Boundaries just need to be set in every family.

U are a very rigid and proud man.
Don't ever separate ur wife from her family cos that's how it has been in ur family so she must abide by that rule.
If reverse is the case, will u listen to her if she complain?
Marriage is all about shifting from our comfort zones and meeting at the middle.

And remember,money solves problems temporary for a woman.

That is why there are cases of drivers shagging madam despite all the money flowing around.

Compromise is the keyword. When you bar your relatives and inlaws from visiting you, there might come a time in your life when you might need their help. No man is an island.

sassysure:

U are a very rigid and proud man.
Don't ever separate ur wife from her family cos that's how it has been in ur family so she must abide by that rule.
If reverse is the case, will u listen to her if she complain?
Marriage is all about shifting from our comfort zones and meeting at the middle.

And remember,money solves problems temporary for a woman.

That is why there are cases of drivers shagging madam despite all the money flowing around.

lmaoooooo. the last part is rubbish.
all he's asking is notifying him when they wanna come around.

You need to be flexible. No need for politics. Just be yourself. If my father-in-law becomes the next governor then I should not accept financial aid . We don't prostrate to greet anyone in my place. Because we are married men or women should not stop us from enjoying the love that also comes from in-laws, our brothers and sisters. Flexibility is the key. Don't create rules.

The way some people approach some marital issues like they are solving math problems with exact formulas, shows that many do not really know their partners nor understanding of what marriage is.
If you understand your wife and that her upbringing differs from that of others, maybe then you will know how to live with her. Why should one declare a mini war on her in-laws all in the name of "family politics"? These rules are TOO rigid for couples who have clear understanding of what they are into.

I love number 2, it's truth but bitter

Thanks OP

thatigboman:
Was nice to my in laws initially when we got married.
When requests started flooding and all kinds of misbehaviour started. I said no no. And my wife was supporting. Asked me if i didnt know i was supposed to buy a car for her family when i wanted to marry her. I say ehn? Then cut them all off. 100% cut off. Now none comes to my house without calling me. And we discuss how long thwy will stay and give them ground rules. If u like come, if u dont want to come, good.

Igbo man, I like u bro

Senselin:
Spot on! Nothing kills a man if your inlaws "see you finish", make decision for you, help you financially or your wife updating them (she hasn't " left them) about the goings-on in your marriage.

Make yourself unavailable to your in-laws by not visiting often, even your wife's sibling living with you isn't too good and if they do, reduce your interactions.

Try to support/attend important events in their lives, especially parents of your wife. Show financial support and if serious(like death) attend their events.

You may not be rich but how you package yourself before them matters.
That doesn't mean you should show off that you are rich or live in highbrow area or drive an expensive car, when you know you can't keep up with such lifestyle.

It is ideal that you as the man, send your in-laws money occasionally and your wife sends to your parents (source of money can be either from you or wife).
Why? If you as the man sends money to in-law (wifey's parents), it boosts your respect and if your wife gives to your own parents (but I suggest she says, "my husband said I should give you...", they know that your wife hasn't caged you from helping them.

Be kind but know when to say " NO" to things that can stifle your marriage, finances etc.

Don't sleep in your inlaws house or live with or close to them. If you, for example take wife and kids to them (say during December) and your village/house is far, look for a friend as close as possible or worst case, lodge in a hotel- that is if it is inevitable that you have stay in their house till late hour.


A married man has spoken. Peace!

I will like to have a chat with u bro.. Kindly send me ur number 08039561115, WhatsApp is ok

I told my wife from day 1 that I don't need third parties... Not from her family or my family... I prefer to send Mon than someone to come and interfere in my affair... If we need them, we will visit them..

davodyguy:

There have always been serious issues between myself and my wife over families.

We have a policy in my family, which is to always respect privacy. We visit only when necessary and call/Text most times. My wife and her family on the other hand, they love to visit and like to even stay overnight. Because of my almost zero tolerance for this, we always have issues and she thinks I hate her people.

Last December, I had to ship her out to UAE for Christmas, when I heard she planned having her siblings come in from 24th December, till 2nd January, 2018.

Its always a battle, which she doesn't want to understand, that relatives she not pass their boundaries, since we too are a couple with kids and need to face our lives.

Sometimes, they just pump in without notifying me the head of the house. As usual, I get reactive, but as the Yoruba's would say, its 'Îsó léñû. But its the duty of our wives to always understand what husbands want as the head after God. The parents of the wife have done the handing over and the man is now in charge

Boundaries just need to be set in every family.

Ha! The problem is the difference in background and the way you were raised. I am from a family that is just like hers. We converge during festivities, doesnt matter how far away we are, once we are agreed on a date and place, we make that trip to see each other. My father's family is just like that too, they still are very close till date.

You can have a close knit family and still maintain boundaries. I feel all those macho and stereotype, ends up separating people.

It shouldnt take a funeral for a family to come together and exhibit their love for each other. Family is one of the few things we actually live for, the best way your kids can learn to look out for each other is from the way their parents relate with their uncles and aunts. At least thats was how I and my siblings learnt to.

Woow!! In-laws are really challenges in a marriage, since my mother Inlaw came to take care of our daughter, I v not known peace. It is complain or the other. Some time she will be pushing my wife to do certain things, thank God my wife is wise enough to ignore her.

When the reverse is the case nko?? When it's only the husband's family members that always visit, when i mean 'always' i mean year - in year - out they're always around. No conscience @ all. And they can stay many months they want b4 going. So in that case d wife's family members that visit once in 2 or 3 years now come and u as d husband starts forming d boss by giving him/her number of days to stay, u're looking for trouble na. Real katakata go dey.

In my own case there's nothing like privacy in my marriage as one in-law or the other is always around.

egojeny1:
When the reverse is the case nko?? When it's only the husband's family members that always come, when i mean 'always' i mean year - in year - out they're always around. No conscience @ all. And they can stay many months they want b4 going. So in that case d wife's family members that visit once in 2 or 3 years now come and u as d husband starts forming d boss by giving him/her number of days to stay, u're looking for trouble na. Real katakata go dey.

Every situation has peculiarity, wife's family may not be in close proximity to them, sometime they are older and mature to be available in the facility while it is the other way for the other Inlaw. My own philosophy is that treat each case according to their peculiarity.

obembet:



I will like to have a chat with u bro.. Kindly send me ur number 08039561115, WhatsApp is ok

I hope I am safe? pls send me private email via my profile.