December 26, 2018

Well hello there.
I am Eyeness, your author and tour guide through this piece of literature that may never see the eyes of a thousand readers. Is it only me or did 2018 just pass me by in the blink of an eye? Cos here I am depressed, thinking about how nearer I am to the day of my death, my mind went through similar thoughts as I turned 24 in October, until I drowned my sorrows in birthday cake but that’s a story for another time.

It all started yesterday on Boxing Day while purging my guts out, taking a dump as is the custom post-Christmas day all you can EAT buffet. We generally spend Christmas in my family with a three course balanced breakfast and this year was no different except my dad had to go to the hospital for the children’s party. He had grilled the turkey to perfection, we just didn’t have the guts to eat it without permission. My mum had left by 6am to perform customary daughter-in-law duties to help my grandma cook. We don’t see the point cos we know they hate each other. I guess she had stayed with Yorubas so long that eye service has become a part of her.

My dad was running late so we had wheat bread, fried eggs and coke, while I prepared our customary salad which I know my sisters won’t eat and would later help my diarrhea run smoothly. My dad came back around one. We left for our grandparents’ place by 2, I ate too much as usual, my relatives harped on about how much weight we had all gained especially my youngest sister and when I would get married. I just ignore as I put another mouthful of peppery jollof rice in my mouth. Came back home with leftovers so we don’t need to cook like the lazy family we are.


Moving on, it’s now the morning boxing day, here I am in the toilet, on my third bowel movement. A cup of coffee is in the sink and my favorite motivational book titled “you can win” by Shiv Kiera is in my hand, raping the noses of my family members as they pass by. Only my shit smell dope like that. I am proud of my digestion, the journey from a past history of frequent constipation to present day early morning bowel movement like clockwork is no easy feat.

Then a thought pops to my head. WHAT ON EARTH AM I GOING TO DO DIFFERENTLY 2019 SINCE I DIDN’T ACHIEVE ANY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS IN 2018?


That is going to need some serious thinking which I plan to do as I get some shut eye tonight. Sweet dreams imaginary friends. Don’t let the mosquitoes bite.(I’m serious)
With love from Eyeness