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Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? - Family - Nairaland

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Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by debbycreamy(f): 8:24am On Jan 18, 2019
hello nairalanders,



Pls i need matured advice from matured people, i went for a family meeting few weeks back and the meeting turned out to be disastrous because of me, 3 of my siblings attacked me with false allegations to the extend of insulting my husband and i and when i stood up to defend myself my brother said he will slap me, this thing happened about 2 weeks ago. Theses are people i have always loved and sacrificed for though i'm the last born, my immediate elder sister that i tell almost everything to showed me the dark side of her, keeping grudges of things that have past.


If not for my husband i would have gone insane, because of the love i have for them, my question is how do i relate with this people from now, i'm scared of communicating with them because they will negatively misinterept whatever i say, should i forget them? Should i forgive and act like they never attacked me? Will they repeat it in the future? Do they hate me without reason? pls talk to me, i'm happy with my husband, but the way they attacked me is affecting me, even in my dreams pls help me.
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by ceeroh(m): 8:30am On Jan 18, 2019
Madam, this advice might sound somehow. But I'll advise you to face your own family and pretend as if they don't exist. It's for your own sanity.
I always say something, no one has a monopoly of misbehaving or being an asshole. If your siblings have decided to behave like loose nuts, then you should also don't give a fvck.. Although, if there's a possibility of genuine reconciliation, don't hesitate. Have a nice day.

N.B Humans are difficult.

11 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by debbycreamy(f): 9:21am On Jan 18, 2019
ceeroh:
Madam, this advice might sound somehow. But I'll advise you to face your own family and pretend as if they don't exist. It's for your own sanity.
I always say something, no one has a monopoly of misbehaving or being an asshole. If your siblings have decided to behave like loose nuts, then you should also don't give a fvck.. Although, if there's a possibility of genuine reconciliation, don't hesitate. Have a nice day.

N.B Humans are difficult.

Thank u, i felt avoiding them is wrong, buh u just gave me moral

1 Like

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by ADUKKY(f): 9:32am On Jan 18, 2019
Madam, face your husband and children. Ignore them like they don't exist, when they are ready they will be the one suing for peace. I had similar experience for years, my step siblings started acting up, i just blocked all of them even blocked their numbers. When sanity prevailed among them, na them dey look for me now. No time for rubbish.
debbycreamy:
hello nairalanders,



Pls i need matured advice from matured people, i went for a family meeting few weeks back and the meeting turned out to be disastrous because of me, 3 of my siblings attacked me with false allegations to the extend of insulting my husband and i and when i stood up to defend myself my brother said he will slap me, this thing happened about 2 weeks ago. Theses are people i have always loved and sacrificed for though i'm the last born, my immediate elder sister that i tell almost everything to showed me the dark side of her, keeping grudges of things that have past.


If not for my husband i would have gone insane, because of the love i have for them, my question is how do i relate with this people from now, i'm scared of communicating with them because they will negatively misinterept whatever i say, should i forget them? Should i forgive and act like they never attacked me? Will they repeat it in the future? Do they hate me without reason? pls talk to me, i'm happy with my husband, but the way they attacked me is affecting me, even in my dreams pls help me.

5 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by boldconfidence: 9:40am On Jan 18, 2019
Please focus on your nuclear family. For your brother to say he will slap you, shows they do not respect you and even though you are an adult now, they will always treat you like a child if you do not change the way you interact with them. You already know what to do but are too scared. They know you can't cut them off. Why don't you prove them wrong.

Be strong!

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by ceeroh(m): 9:51am On Jan 18, 2019
boldconfidence:
Please focus on your nuclear family. For your brother to say he will slap you, shows they do not respect you and even though you are an adult now, they will always treat you like a child if you do not change the way you interact with them. You already know what to do but are too scared. They know you can't cut them off. Why don't you prove them wrong.

Be strong!

Exactly, they think she doesn't have a choice but to tolerate their excesses. Shock them.

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by debbycreamy(f): 10:38am On Jan 18, 2019
thank u all for your responses i really appreciate, sometimes a push is all we need, tnx

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by NL1960: 11:21am On Jan 18, 2019
debbycreamy:
hello nairalanders,



Pls i need matured advice from matured people, i went for a family meeting few weeks back and the meeting turned out to be disastrous because of me, 3 of my siblings attacked me with false allegations to the extend of insulting my husband and i and when i stood up to defend myself my brother said he will slap me, this thing happened about 2 weeks ago. Theses are people i have always loved and sacrificed for though i'm the last born, my immediate elder sister that i tell almost everything to showed me the dark side of her, keeping grudges of things that have past.


If not for my husband i would have gone insane, because of the love i have for them, my question is how do i relate with this people from now, i'm scared of communicating with them because they will negatively misinterept whatever i say, should i forget them? Should i forgive and act like they never attacked me? Will they repeat it in the future? Do they hate me without reason? pls talk to me, i'm happy with my husband, but the way they attacked me is affecting me, even in my dreams pls help me.

This your post and story is not complete and it is one sided. You did not mention what the family meeting was for. A family meeting with husband or wife present is not just called. Btw, a social visit by husband and wife to a family is not a family meeting. So tell us more.

I believe that people that are saying that you should just focus on your nuclear family and forget them are missing it. Marriage is not a bed of roses. When the chips are down, it is this same family that you will run to and not to the nuclear family.

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Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by busar(m): 12:07pm On Jan 18, 2019
Family will always be family no matter how bad they are. You can't hire family, but you can always tolerate their excesses. I will advise you to always keep your immediate family matters within your husband's house, don't go into details about your challenges with any members of your family. Still maintain the tie of kinship, never severe it. Always try as much as possible to give them their rights if you are in possession of it. Don't cut them off completely..... Call them once in a while and maintain balance ..... Don't give yourself unnecessary hbp because of one family....

1 Like

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by lilmax(m): 12:35pm On Jan 18, 2019
they can't attack you because of false allegations

everyone searching for advice on nairaland always make themselves angels

you have already made up your mind and you just need about five persons to agree with you
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by debbycreamy(f): 12:41pm On Jan 18, 2019
NL1960:


This your post and story is not complete and it is one sided. You did not mention what the family meeting was for. A family meeting with husband or wife present is not just called. Btw, a social visit by husband and wife to a family is not a family meeting. So tell us more.

I believe that people that are saying that you should just focus on your nuclear family and forget them are missing it. Marriage is not a bed of roses. When the chips are down, it is this same family that you will run to and not to the nuclear family.



It was my mum that called to see all her children, no in-laws involved so i went alone. Everybody was asked to speak up on his or her own mind, that was were d peaceful meeting went bad. Some years ago when i was in school my brother helped me half of my school fee, he said i should have been going to his house to do chores for him because of d money, i went mad, 1. he has been mad at me all these years 2. I should have been enslaved to him because of half school fees. 3. He never called me to do any chore for him, my school was far from him, His reason for hating me all these years is baseless and when i spoke he wanted to slap me. My other two sisters, if u hear their reason u will know they have no sensible reason to attack me.


About me running to extended family when i have issues i still have 6 good siblings to lean on, so pls was my brother right?
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by debbycreamy(f): 12:57pm On Jan 18, 2019
lilmax:
they can't attack you because of false allegations

everyone searching for advice on nairaland always make themselves angels

you have already made up your mind and you just need about five persons to agree with you


tell me tell u what one of my sister said she is among the 3 that attacked me, she said my husband called her infidel, meanwhile my husband didn't say anything of such she was against my marriage from the beginning and has always painted my husband bad, i stood up to defend my husband she went on insulting him, i told her she was lying and she showed her wrath, u haven't been demoralized my your family thats why u can't relate with the topic
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by Eberechi24(f): 1:02pm On Jan 18, 2019
you can ignore them but don't cut them off entirely. they are still your blood. just thread with caution.

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by NL1960: 1:05pm On Jan 18, 2019
debbycreamy:


It was my mum that called to see all her children, no in-laws involved so i went alone. Everybody was asked to speak up on his or her own mind, that was were d peaceful meeting went bad. Some years ago when i was in school my brother helped me half of my school fee, he said i should have been going to his house to do chores for him because of d money, i went mad, 1. he has been mad at me all these years 2. I should have been enslaved to him because of half school fees. 3. He never called me to do any chore for him, my school was far from him, His reason for hating me all these years is baseless and when i spoke he wanted to slap me. My other two sisters, if u hear their reason u will know they have no sensible reason to attack me.


About me running to extended family when i have issues i still have 6 good siblings to lean on, so pls was my brother right?

Iam sure he did not say you should have been going to his house to do chores when you are already married. It must have been that you should have been going to do it when you were still in school and probably when you were on holidays.

Ordinarily, you should have just apologized to him and turn the whole thing to a joke like 'big bros, you know school was stressful now and moreover i did not have transport fare to come to your place. I no go mind to come now to do what i did not do then o but you go give me transport money to/fro o'.

Elder brother is elder brother anyday. E be like say you too self get strong head and you come be last born join. grin. Last born too get wahala.

Anyway, since you have other siblings that you are on good terms with, then nothing spoil but if that your brother is the only male, then just go apologize to him for peace to reign. Wetin dem dey take trouble do self?. I normally tell people that in a big nuclear family unit, everybody has his/her caucus or cabal. cheesy

9 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by Nobody: 2:10pm On Jan 18, 2019
ceeroh:


Exactly, they think she doesn't have a choice but to tolerate their excesses. Shock them.


Before you all judge . I think you shd hear from other side .

I don't think 3 family member will come together to complain abt u if actually ur innocent. U knew wat u did. u knw wat dey complained abt. work on it.

In a family meeting a simple apology and go ur way will settle it.

My Point is Everyone in ur family cannot turn against U if ur indeed Innocent . haabaa.

Madam come here drop half story people begin tell her to ignor her family. The people advising u..how many of dem av ignored dere own family ?

3 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by ceeroh(m): 2:22pm On Jan 18, 2019
tritritri:



Before you all judge . I think you shd hear from other side .

I don't think 3 family member will come together to complain abt u if actually ur innocent. U knew wat u did. u knw wat dey complained abt. work on it.

In a family meeting a simple apology and go ur way will settle it.

My Point is Everyone in ur family cannot turn against U if ur indeed Innocent . haabaa.

Madam come here drop half story people begin tell her to ignor her family. The people advising u..how many of dem av ignored dere own family ?

And who told you 3members of a family cannot be against you? I'm not saying you don't have a point though, you may be right but look at it from this angle...some siblings have this crazy sense of entitlement, especially when you're a bit successful than they are. They want stuff from you and still wanna intimidate you just because you're the last born. I'm a first born, but Africans are so fvcked up. Just because you're an elder doesn't give you the right to treat your younger ones as sh*t. Nobody owes anybody anything. As you lay your bed, so you lie on it. Don't blame anyone for your misfortune.

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by Nobody: 2:51pm On Jan 18, 2019
ceeroh:


And who told you 3members of a family cannot be against you? I'm not saying you don't have a point though, you may be right but look at it from this angle...some siblings have this crazy sense of entitlement, especially when you're a bit successful than they are. They want stuff from you and still wanna intimidate you just because you're the last born. I'm a first born, but Africans are so fvcked up. Just because you're an elder doesn't give you the right to treat your younger ones as sh*t. Nobody owes anybody anything. As you lay your bed, so you lie on it. Don't blame anyone for your misfortune.


I get ur point. But money matter for family no pass Bro/sis at this point i no get...highest dey will ignor u and case settled.

Hatred / Grudges / badmouthing happens in some families. The best way is to apologise even if ur not at fault and go ur way or mind your biz. case settled.

But trust most Nigerian women and dere bla bla bla bla when dey r angry.

for a man to tell a married woman dat he will slap her..some of those women mouth deserve slap if u truelly hear what comes out of dere mouth.

Am not taking side.. But am aware of issues like this .

5 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by NL1960: 3:48pm On Jan 18, 2019
tritritri:


I get ur point. But money matter for family no pass Bro/sis at this point i no get...highest dey will ignor u and case settled.

Hatred / Grudges / badmouthing happens in some families. The best way is to apologise even if ur not at fault and go ur way or mind your biz. case settled.

But trust most Nigerian women and dere bla bla bla bla when dey r angry.

for a man to tell a married woman dat he will slap her..some of those women mouth deserve slap if u truelly hear what comes out of dere mouth.

Am not taking side.. But am aware of issues like this .

This is true. I have told my married junior sisters this same thing several times when their mouths are running bla bla bla even in the presence of their husbands. There was brother and sister before wife. When the husband dey frown and wan put mouth, i go just tell am say make he no put mouth for brother and sister matter and that we know how to settle our issues.

6 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by Flattino(m): 3:56pm On Jan 18, 2019
debbycreamy:
hello nairalanders,



Pls i need matured advice from matured people, i went for a family meeting few weeks back and the meeting turned out to be disastrous because of me, 3 of my siblings attacked me with false allegations to the extend of insulting my husband and i and when i stood up to defend myself my brother said he will slap me, this thing happened about 2 weeks ago. Theses are people i have always loved and sacrificed for though i'm the last born, my immediate elder sister that i tell almost everything to showed me the dark side of her, keeping grudges of things that have past.


If not for my husband i would have gone insane, because of the love i have for them, my question is how do i relate with this people from now, i'm scared of communicating with them because they will negatively misinterept whatever i say, should i forget them? Should i forgive and act like they never attacked me? Will they repeat it in the future? Do they hate me without reason? pls talk to me, i'm happy with my husband, but the way they attacked me is affecting me, even in my dreams pls help me.

Lmao . You’re asking us the wrong question.
Should you forgive them? Really? Lmao .
Madam , you need to apologise to them and start to show them respect .
You mentioned how you elder sister is holding grudges because of past occurrences. You probably are naive about reality if you believe people will ever forget whatever thing you did to hurt them in the past .
You owe them plenty of apologies.

Your question should be . “How do I beg them and make them forgive me “

3 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by debbycreamy(f): 4:44pm On Jan 18, 2019
Flattino:


Lmao . You’re asking us the wrong question.
Should you forgive them? Really? Lmao .
Madam , you need to apologise to them and start to show them respect .
You mentioned how you elder sister is holding grudges because of past occurrences. You probably are naive about reality if you believe people will ever forget whatever thing you did to hurt them in the past .
You owe them plenty of apologies.

Your question should be . “How do I beg them and make them forgive me “


Brother no vex oh, so if someday lie against ur wife and insult her ontop knowing well that ur wife senior this person, u will not react at all....
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by NL1960: 5:23pm On Jan 18, 2019
debbycreamy:



Brother no vex oh, so if someday lie against ur wife and insult her ontop knowing well that ur wife senior this person, u will not react at all....

Shuoooo. I thought you said you are the last born?. Last born dey senior person?.
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by debbycreamy(f): 7:01pm On Jan 18, 2019
NL1960:


Shuoooo. I thought you said you are the last born?. Last born dey senior person?.

My husband senior those girls na, yet she was insulting my husband, so i should have kept quiet?
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by mysticgal(f): 7:46pm On Jan 18, 2019
I have heard of siblings dispensing sibling(s) legally.....so choose your path smiley

1 Like

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by eniolorunfe: 10:43pm On Jan 18, 2019
debbycreamy:


My husband senior those girls na, yet she was insulting my husband, so i should have kept quiet?

Lmao @ those girls...
Na your elder sisters you dey call those girls

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by Richy4(m): 9:13am On Jan 19, 2019
What is family without fighting screaming and slamming the doors..when together... It is the Beauty of it dear all over the world..

The only thing that you need to learn is when to draw the line... If things goes South for u, Nairaland will not be physically present for u...but guess who will be there.. ur family. .. but why are they there despite the fighting..? because they are family...

Things might the wonderful right now for u...U feel u are ontop of the world..( good feelings though). but no one knows what tomorrow might bring... totally cutting them off might not be a good idea...

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by 4tunebest(f): 11:55am On Jan 19, 2019
debbycreamy:


My husband senior those girls na, yet she was insulting my husband, so i should have kept quiet?

Hmmm. I can read in between the lines. Someone is arrogant....very arrogant.

Issues that humility will solve, pride and arrogance will escalate.

3 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by tee59(f): 12:20pm On Jan 19, 2019
Your sisters, are they married? Cus you can't call married women "those girls". Just admit that, you're arrogant. Just because you married before them doesn't give you audacity to disrespect them. Family will always be there for each other no matter how bad a person is. How do you want your in-laws to treat them now when you're not speaking good of them. There's no family without issues like this, but wisdom will make you take wise decisions without hurting each other.

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by lilmax(m): 12:28pm On Jan 19, 2019
debbycreamy:



tell me tell u what one of my sister said she is among the 3 that attacked me, she said my husband called her infidel, meanwhile my husband didn't say anything of such she was against my marriage from the beginning and has always painted my husband bad, i stood up to defend my husband she went on insulting him, i told her she was lying and she showed her wrath, u haven't been demoralized my your family thats why u can't relate with the topic
look at nairaland grin

because you have the capacity to handle things on your own and not sharing it with anyone means you don't go through problems

madam do what ever makes you sleep at night
Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by JoannaSedley(f): 12:54pm On Jan 19, 2019
debbycreamy:


My husband senior those girls na, yet she was insulting my husband, so i should have kept quiet?
If I am your siblings we would've beaten you to a pulp including your husband. What arrogance.... Phew!! Those girls.... You deserved to be ostracized by your family....I mean written off.
No wonder your mother called a family meeting....

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by Flattino(m): 9:05pm On Jan 19, 2019
debbycreamy:



Brother no vex oh, so if someday lie against ur wife and insult her ontop knowing well that ur wife senior this person, u will not react at all....
Please try to resolve things with your siblings ma .

1 Like

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by merahki: 10:24am On Jan 20, 2019
debbycreamy:
thank u all for your responses i really appreciate, sometimes a push is all we need, tnx


I think you are setting yourself up for an insular? life- isolate yourself from your God given family (and yes, people who fight and threaten to slap us lipsrsealed and who we know love us, when the chips are down) and cleave solely to your husband
This is usually a recipe for disaster

Someone would want to assume your dear good loving spouse is the one setting you up to expunge your family from your life, but I am usually too disgusted with those who allow this to happen to blame the controlling spouse
My point is, whether this life you seek was planted subconsciously into you by your husband, or whether you are one of those people who do” it’s me and my spouse against the world”, I totally abhor it. I hate the part of me that dislikes you already because it is me being judgemental. So I will send you a loving warning instead- watch out that you are not trapped in any of the two horrible scenarios above
Out of the blue, your brother threatens to slap you? You are sure of your husband’s love, but mistrust theirs? Even your intuition and dreams tell you are wrong but you are here to justify folly? Your life should be a love filled circle, your family could raise your kids if something bad happened, you know? Do you not know this? What do your parents think? Who do they support? If you fell out with your husband later (this can happen you know?), the social capital from your family would not be there. That same husband also has heard and seen you hate on your family, he would have ammunition to treat your anyhow with you know? (I reiterate that I do not blame any spouse in your husbands’s shoes in cases like yours, all my grouse is usually left for the spouses like you in this case). Many questions/considerations here darling
lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed


Your husband being disrespectful towards your family members is probably because you do not respect them (and ultimately, subconsciously, yourself)
Good luck anyways

2 Likes

Re: Is It Wrong To Avoid Your Extended Family? by merahki: 10:28am On Jan 20, 2019
debbycreamy:
thank u all for your responses i really appreciate, sometimes a push is all we need, tnx

You need a push(validation) to commit a big folly?
cheesy
Okay, do you

1 Like

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