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I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. - Family - Nairaland

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I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by Lukewarm: 8:10am On Feb 13
I posted this on a thread last month, and I was happy about the good albeit few advice I got. I feel creating a thread will make me reach out to a larger audience.

A little into my background

I am a 23 years old lady that has been in a 3 year relationship with my guy. I am an introvert, quite reserved and have little to none friends. I've always kept to myself and found it hard opening up to people, maybe that's because I'm an only child.

So, I believe an anonymous platform like nairaland will be the best way for me to get advice on something I've never voiced out on.

I should also mention that I'm a Muslim and early marriage is really encouraged.

To the issue

I am at crossroads in my relationship life right now.
On one hand, I've got this great dude I've been with for some years. Everyone
thinks he's perfect for me because he's ready to be responsible and settle down,
then he also plans for the future.

But the problem?

We don't seem to have that connection or chemistry. I find it hard just telling him
I love him. But everyone keeps ringing it into my ear that he's one of the good
guys and there are quite a few out there. So I promised myself to respect him
and hope that is enough to keep a marriage going.

Then on to the minor things:
1. He's a traditional guy. He believes all a woman needs to do is cook, clean, and
conceive. A woman shouldn't be ambitious as her responsibility lies in taking care of the home and bringing up the children morally and in the way of the religion.

2. He believes a lot of things are frivolities and a wife has got little to no
say in the house. I'm naturally quiet and easy going, and I never complain about anything. But, there are times I like to experience new things. For example, I wanted to go to the north for my NYSC, but he didn't want to hear of that and wanted Ibadan because it's close to Lagos (where we both live). I ended up picking 2 of his state choices and 2 of mine.....and I was posted to Ondo.

Then another issue was I registered to be an INEC ad-hoc staff for the forthcoming election against his wishes. I don't see any thing bad in it, and I really needed the allowance.

These issues always makes him say I have a mind of my own and I'm stubborn....which are all bad wifely traits.

These makes me wonder If I'm actually a stubborn person overdoing things.

This really badgers me.

But hey! He's one of the few good ones available.....right?

Then I got a shocker.
I met someone in camp in November and its been a totally crazy and new experience for me these last few months.
It's the first time I'd meet someone that I'm so compatible with.
It's the first time I've seen someone share the same warped sense of humour
I've got. First time I'd meet someone that shares a lot of common interest with
me. First time someone will creep into my subconscious and make me smile or
even lol at something goofy he did or said.

Now, it's got me thinking:
Is respect really enough?

But my family is having none of these second thoughts. Everyone thinks Im crazy to be having second thoughts about a guy with so much potentials. It so happens they'd
conveniently bring up the story of a really distant aunt that lost her opportunity to
marry by saying No to someone and is still a spinster at 45.
And it really isn't helping matters that my new POI is a northerner, stays thousands of miles away, a struggling corp member like me and
isn't set for settling now.

My real guy wants us to get married before he leaves for his Masters abroad. And if that will happen it will be before November.

So conflicted. Please, advise me.

MODIFIED
P.S. To avoid any misconceptions, I should add that:
1 The new guy isn't a 'Fuckboy' as some people put it. I've seen and heard enough of 'Fuckboys' to make the distinction.
2. I don't have a sexual relationship with either of the guys, and don't intend having one. I am more of a no sex before marriage crew.
3. I am not double dating. Thats just a waste of time and effort. I only need the right advice so I'd know the next step to take.

Thank you.

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by ogawisdom(m): 8:44am On Feb 13
That is why double dating is not good

You are in love with a jobless Bleep boy who has nothing but sweet words, affection and humor. Being a man takes much more than that except that's all u need.

A new lover always seems better for both men and women

3 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by 1StopRudeness: 8:57am On Feb 13
There's nothing wrong with being old fashion...alot of guys are like that, they just don't like to say it.
Just to add, u exaggerate alot, he believes u should just be at home cooking and raising kids, but he still allows u go for NYSC away from home....the man u described shouldn't even see NYSC compulsory for u as his wife to be....
The most important thing is, u are shaa not happy with this dude, exaggeration or not, and yes you could be missing an opportunity to get married and never get another until u are 50million years old....who cares??
If u don't dig the guy...forget him, u don have to marry someone just because it's a marriage opportunity...ur family won't be there with you...

To top it all up...dude want to marry and go abroad for another one year, or even more...you guys are kukuma Muslim...remember hes free to marry another woman over there...........ur cross babe...

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by Triniti(m): 9:25am On Feb 13
NYSC relationships no dey too last o! Your eyes will soon open to the realities on ground once “pop’ is over, don’t let infatuation for a fuckboy drive you away from an already built relationship.

5 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by piroux(f): 9:26am On Feb 13
I wish I had a magic answer for you but I don't.
Personally, I dislike men like your present bobo. I'm not a traditional kinda girl, I don't enjoy cooking but I do. I would prefer to be with someone who understands that women want to explore other things too.

The fact that you find it hard to say you love him is a red flag. After 3 years. Jeez. I'm sorry, maybe it's a Muslim thing but Muslim women often seem a bit repressed to me. Apologies if that offends. The limitations are often depressing for outsiders so.....

Now, you don't have to take me too seriously but I would rather be with a guy who gives me butterflies no matter how short than marry straight a man who leaves me feeling nothing. That's the rest of your life with a man who doesn't excite you. Just saying.
If you feel like this now, you will probably cheat on him the minute he leaves to go abroad.

Sigh. Like I said I don't have any magic answers. I could tell you to pray, chances are high however that you will only hear what you want to hear from God.

6 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by Heartbender: 9:36am On Feb 13
Someday you'll die...alone of course but will you die happy? Don't let the world write a story that would waste your time and happiness

2 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by wasak(m): 11:18am On Feb 13
I'm someone like your real guy. The way you described him seems like you just described me, it'll take time for you to understand his reservations about some of your choices.

As for the new guy you met, it is normal for you to feel that way, your are just being distracted. I don't have any advice really... Take care of yourself.

6 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by Zoharariel(m): 11:35am On Feb 13
You're currently being swayed by the illusion of love & romantic relationship, forgetting that the bliss of love never lasts, always brief.

Love is a temporary madness which erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

You're just 23, in the process of time, you will come to understand that all that glitters is not gold.

Everything that irritates us about others often lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

The two most powerful warriors are patience & time.

Do not always scrape & search for compliments. Criticism is what builds character & strength.

A prize is set before thee, and you're confronted with a test of worthiness to wear the crown.

Give the crying Jezebel in you a chance to roam free & you'll end up like the feminists on Nairaland - Frustrated & Hopeless Evening Newspapers!

24 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by mrphysics(m): 11:59am On Feb 13
It takes a man a lot to become a man. He has seen life in it's raw form. The understanding that life is harsh and not romantic makes a man mean most often.

The life of a struggling man is one he finds so hard to combine with romance. What he sees out there isn't smiling at him. He needs you to be with him in this stage of life than seek for shadows of the things to come.

Permit me to confirm like what the post above said that you are still in your whoring age; at this phase of life, fantasies rules your queendom. We don't really blame you because you are currently leading and wanting to lead the conventional female life. There are more to it than you can see.

As you will latter discover, it's not a play ground out here, it's a war zone, so if you want a six pack man that sings both bazz and regae to you, why not visit the romance section.

If your man is boring to you, it means you are equally boring. Make him happy or allow him to live his life.

6 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by ValCon888(m): 12:00pm On Feb 13
ogawisdom:
That is why double dating is not good

You are in love with a jobless Bleep boy who has nothing but sweet words, affection and humor. Being a man takes much more than that except that's all u need.

A new lover always seems better for both men and women

Your name has said it all.

3 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by Nobody: 12:36pm On Feb 13
.

2 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by teresafaith(f): 1:11pm On Feb 13
Your traditional man is just like my husband, he believes only his words should stand, in fact my marriage is like a master and slave relationship.

7 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by UyaiIncomparabl(f): 1:13pm On Feb 13
Do not settle for less or mediocre. You don't want to end up living a frustrated life all in a bid to please one man, do you?

Forever is too long to be unhappy. Do YOU, irrespective of whatever people say. You're the one to dance to the music, not them. Be ruthless. A relationship which doesn't give you joy/happiness shouldn't even be considered. My happiness is priority.

I can't stand traditional men. I can't stand a man who cannot contain my dreams, aspirations and ambitions. If you cannot bear the heat, please take a walk. The world is evolving, they shouldn't be left behind. If you don't LOVE him, don't embark on the fruitless journey. Be ruthless in your choice, sister. smiley

5 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by UyaiIncomparabl(f): 1:20pm On Feb 13
teresafaith:
Your traditional man is just like my husband, he believes only his words should stand, in fact my marriage is like a master and slave relationship.

I can not tolerate such marriage, no. Not even in my next life. Be strong. smiley

3 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by teresafaith(f): 1:37pm On Feb 13
UyaiIncomparabl:


I can not tolerate such marriage, no. Not even in my next life. Be strong. smiley
I'm more than caged.

I'll be strong for my daughter

3 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by kemicalreaction(m): 2:19pm On Feb 13
Zoharariel:
You're currently being swayed by the illusion of love & romantic relationship, forgetting that the bliss of love never lasts, always brief.

Love is a temporary madness which erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

You're just 23, in the process of time, you will come to understand that all that glitters is not gold.

Everything that irritates us about others often lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

The two most powerful warriors are patience & time.

Do not always scrape & search for compliments. Criticism is what builds character & strength.

A prize is set before thee, and you're confronted with a test of worthiness to wear the crown.
Give the crying Jezebel in you a chance to roam free & you'll end up like the feminists on Nairaland - Frustrated & Hopeless Evening Newspapers!
Damn grin

1 Like 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by jeff1607(m): 3:18pm On Feb 13
Lukewarm:
I posted this on a thread last month, and I was happy about the good albeit few advice I got. I feel creating a thread will make me reach out to a larger audience.

A little into my background

I am a 23 years old lady that has been in a 3 year relationship with my guy. I am an introvert, quite reserved and have little to none friends. I've always kept to myself and found it hard opening up to people, maybe that's because I'm an only child.

So, I believe an anonymous platform like nairaland will be the best way for me to get advice on something I've never voiced out on.

I should also mention that I'm a Muslim and early marriage is really encouraged.

To the issue

I am at crossroads in my relationship life right now.
On one hand, I've got this great dude I've been with for some years. Everyone
thinks he's perfect for me because he's ready to be responsible and settle down,
then he also plans for the future.

But the problem?

We don't seem to have that connection or chemistry. I find it hard just telling him
I love him. But everyone keeps ringing it into my ear that he's one of the good
guys and there are quite a few out there. So I promised myself to respect him
and hope that is enough to keep a marriage going.

Then on to the minor things:
1. He's a traditional guy. He believes all a woman needs to do is cook, clean, and
conceive. A woman shouldn't be ambitious as her responsibility lies in taking care of the home and bringing up the children morally and in the way of the religion.

2. He believes a lot of things are frivolities and a wife has got little to no
say in the house. I'm naturally quiet and easy going, and I never complain about anything. But, there are times I like to experience new things. For example, I wanted to go to the north for my NYSC, but he didn't want to hear of that and wanted Ibadan because it's close to Lagos (where we both live). I ended up picking 2 of his state choices and 2 of mine.....and I was posted to Ondo.

Then another issue was I registered to be an INEC ad-hoc staff for the forthcoming election against his wishes. I don't see any thing bad in it, and I really needed the allowance.

These issues always makes him say I have a mind of my own and I'm stubborn....which are all bad wifely traits.

These makes me wonder If I'm actually a stubborn person overdoing things.

This really badgers me.

But hey! He's one of the few good ones available.....right?

Then I got a shocker.
I met someone in camp in November and its been a totally crazy and new experience for me these last few months.
It's the first time I'd meet someone that I'm so compatible with.
It's the first time I've seen someone share the same warped sense of humour
I've got. First time I'd meet someone that shares a lot of common interest with
me. First time someone will creep into my subconscious and make me smile or
even lol at something goofy he did or said.

Now, it's got me thinking:
Is respect really enough?

But my family is having none of these second thoughts. Everyone thinks Im crazy to be having second thoughts about a guy with so much potentials. It so happens they'd
conveniently bring up the story of a really distant aunt that lost her opportunity to
marry by saying No to someone and is still a spinster at 45.
And it really isn't helping matters that my new POI is a northerner, stays thousands of miles away, a struggling corp member like me and
isn't set for settling now.

My real guy wants us to get married before he leaves for his Masters abroad. And if that will happen it will be before November.

So conflicted. Please, advise me.

no one is perfect ,

some nysc relationships don't last , don't throw three years away, but just in case you want the fault to come from him like him leaving you, kindly give his contact so I recommend him to someone who values what you claim is old fashioned,

pls mention me here


a girl just lost her boyfriend who helped her from beginning to getting her nysc PPA and a job but yet she went ahead dating the head of accounting in her work place, the guy just did nikkah with her friend after discovering.

don't worry he will leave you to settle with another person so you can move on with your life

1 Like

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by IamPlato(m): 3:24pm On Feb 13
How Will You Marry Someone You Dont Have Chemistry With? Dont Do What Will Break Your Happiness Forever...


Love Comes First

5 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by CanadianNaija: 3:49pm On Feb 13
teresafaith:

I'm more than caged.

I'll be strong for my daughter

Did he change after marriage, or you didn't date him?
Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by Sawzer(m): 4:30pm On Feb 13
"e author=Zoharariel post=75687162]You're currently being swayed by the illusion of love & romantic relationship, forgetting that the bliss of love never lasts, always brief.

Love is a temporary madness which erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

You're just 23, in the process of time, you will come to understand that all that glitters is not gold.

Everything that irritates us about others often lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

The two most powerful warriors are patience & time.

Do not always scrape & search for compliments. Criticism is what builds character & strength.

A prize is set before thee, and you're confronted with a test of worthiness to wear the crown.

Give the crying Jezebel in you a chance to roam free & you'll end up like the feminists on Nairaland - Frustrated & Hopeless Evening Newspapers![/quote]"



One of my biggest fan on NL, nice one.
Let's visit Kremlin, shall we?

1 Like 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by UyaiIncomparabl(f): 4:36pm On Feb 13
teresafaith:

I'm more than caged.

I'll be strong for my daughter

It's well with you my sister. Weren't the signs of his bossy attitude evident during courtship?
Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by teresafaith(f): 5:07pm On Feb 13
UyaiIncomparabl:


It's well with you my sister. Weren't the signs of his bossy attitude evident during courtship?
My sista it wasn't o, he was calm and gentle sometimes I do things to provoke him on purpose just to see his reaction but he was always matured and all that.

Now I dare not talk when he's talking

2 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by Rosarie(f): 5:53pm On Feb 13
Break up with boo.u will see Another

2 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by sisisioge: 7:57pm On Feb 13
Well...I'm confused for you too.

Your big Alfa won't let you be you while the small Alfa is all for the you in you....hmmm...life is just so tricky! Can't we have some money/readiness/stability fall on the small Alfa so we can all forever live happily? Whew!

Don't listen to me...I've been there baby wink

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by UyaiIncomparabl(f): 9:17pm On Feb 13
teresafaith:

My sista it wasn't o, he was calm and gentle sometimes I do things to provoke him on purpose just to see his reaction but he was always matured and all that.

Now I dare not talk when he's talking

That's sad. I can imagine your plight. Be strong. What baffles me is how people can put up pretense for so long to achieve an aim. I can't pretend, neither do I like pretentious people. They're snitches.

2 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by merahki: 10:08pm On Feb 13
Zoharariel:
You're currently being swayed by the illusion of love & romantic relationship, forgetting that the bliss of love never lasts, always brief.

Love is a temporary madness which erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

You're just 23, in the process of time, you will come to understand that all that glitters is not gold.

Everything that irritates us about others often lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

The two most powerful warriors are patience & time.

Do not always scrape & search for compliments. Criticism is what builds character & strength.

A prize is set before thee, and you're confronted with a test of worthiness to wear the crown.

Give the crying Jezebel in you a chance to roam free & you'll end up like the feminists on Nairaland - Frustrated & Hopeless Evening Newspapers!


Dear Lukewarm
I advise you darling, please do not live and die without feeling that transient butterfly flutters with anybody (ies) , it can be everything

You are just 23, and you have a comfortable 10years of being happy, free and wild, after which you can settle for dependable and all of that
Life is made for living o, not settling
The post I am quoting is sooo wrong, assumes too much, and is from a place of fear of the future and not living in the present (if this makes any kind of sense). Disregard the guy’s post if you can

I know your religion might influence your decision to a large extent, that is okay, I understand that you have to obey. But please let it be that if you had the freedom to choose, if you had no religious and societal restrictions or expectations , that you would choose GuyB over GuyA. (For my peace of mind, I know I am projecting cheesy)
Good luck girl

3 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by crackhaus: 10:31pm On Feb 13
merahki:



Dear Lukewarm
I advise you darling, please do not live and die without feeling that transient butterfly flutters with anybody (ies) , it can be everything

You are just 23, and you have a comfortable 10years of being happy, free and wild, after which you can settle for defendable and all of that
Life is made for living o, not settling
The post I am quoting is sooo wrong, assumes too much, and is from a place of fear of the future and not living in the present (if this makes any kind of sense). Disregard the guy’s post if you can

I know your religion might influence your decision to a large extent, that is okay, I understand that you have to obey. But please let it be that if you had the freedom to choose, if you had no religious and societal restrictions or expectations , that you would choose GuyB over GuyA. (For my peace of mind, I know I am projecting cheesy)
Good luck girl
For your peace of mind? cheesy

For your peace of mind, you shouldn't choose either of the two and she shouldn't...at least for now.

No chemistry with guy A and its too damn early to define what she really feels for guy B.

For peace of mind, take a cold Heineken, go outside on a cool night, turn off your cell phone and smoke some weed.

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by merahki: 11:05pm On Feb 13
crackhaus:

For your peace of mind? cheesy

For your peace of mind, you shouldn't choose either of the two and she shouldn't...at least for now.

No chemistry with guy A and its too damn early to define what she really feels for guy B.

For peace of mind, take a cold Heineken, go outside on a cool night, turn off your cell phone and smoke some weed.

Well? I like my peace of mind cheesy But honestly?
You are right, my inclination/impulse to feel feel feel took over before I could think it thru
But then, if these were her only choices, B it is tongue

Swap the weed with Coke (the coca one), coffee, wine, heck even ice chips and I am game
Sleep good
Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by crackhaus: 11:16pm On Feb 13
merahki:


Well? I like my peace of mind cheesy But honestly?
You are right, my inclination/impulse to feel feel feel took over before I could think it thru
But then, if these were her only choices, B it is tongue

Swap the weed with Coke (the coca one), coffee, wine, heck even ice chips and I am game
Sleep good

Obviously.. Ladies and the tendency to believe in fantasies. cheesy
Can't hold it against you.

Regarding her choices, there is always a choice to make 'no choice', at least until the dopamine wears off.

4 Likes

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by lilmax(m): 11:20pm On Feb 13
you don't need advice

you don't just know what you want

lol "he makes me laugh "

even at 23 you're still young in the brain

you give women 2 they want to take 5

break up with your man,let him find a worthy and loyal person, stay with the other one so he can enter your life, so that Las Las you'll learn from experience and your brain will come back to life when you realize your mistakes

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by onegig(m): 1:27am On Feb 14
Why don't people communicate?

Have you sent this to your guy? Open up to him and express your thoughts. He is the only one who can fix this(thats if it is fixable) and it starts with you actually communicating.

As for getting married... What is the rush for? There's more to life than getting married in the immediate. Marriage should be mutual and not a set of deadlines. Are you ready for marriage?

Hingsight is a lovely thing. Give things time and be patient.

As for the traditional outlook of your guy he needs more exposure and you need to talk to him. Personally can't wrap my head around how a grown adult would be content with only waking up and making food and cleaning the house at this age and time. There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home mum(kids are hardwork) but if you aspire for other things before getting married then it is only worth that you pursue it.

If you are in this for marriage then your thoughts should align on very key issues in life. Such extreme opposites may not actually work. It only leaves one party dissatisfied.

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Am Conflicted: Please Advise Me. by romme2u: 11:41am On Feb 14
teresafaith:

My sista it wasn't o, he was calm and gentle sometimes I do things to provoke him on purpose just to see his reaction but he was always matured and all that.

Now I dare not talk when he's talking

shocked shocked



hmmm

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