Judging by recent trends, by the time you read this article we may be talking about another suicide. This highlights the fact that a piece about suicidal depression is long overdue and frowning upon its discussion will only contribute to its epidemic.

I came across the “10 minutes suicide guide” by David Wong while I was contemplating suicide. This satirical article was aimed at helping people reconsider their choice. This article and a recent unsuccessful attempt to talk a friend out of committing suicide (he attempted and failed) inspired this write up.

Most of us don’t know how to go about it when someone close to us are suicidal. According to a study, people who take their life usually confide in someone before doing it. So, knowing what to and more importantly, what not to say/do might make a difference in someone’s life. From my research on how to deal with victims of suicidal depression I have learnt that;

Misery is not a competition — Many of us treat misery like it’s a competition. How many times have we told someone about our problem only to have them compare it with theirs or someone else’s which “they” believe is worse? It goes; “You want to kill yourself because she dumped you? How about (insert name) who was duped then dumped and now has no job but still…” The thing is, misery is not relative. We can’t feel the way a person is feeling even if we have been there before or presently going through same thing. Psychologists posited that the brain can barely distinguish between physical and psychological pain and we do not have the same pain gauge. Hence, that wound we consider an itch, may hurt differently to another person.

Suicidal people think their problems are irrelevant — Therefore, being judgmental by comparing their difficulties with someone else’s not only proves their innate fear, it also drives them away from opening up to other people. When a suicidal comes to us with problems, the most important thing we should do is… Listen!

Suicidal folks talk about their intentions... not to seek attention, like most uninformed people think, but to convince themselves that people care. This is the major reason why we need to listen when they talk. Unfortunately, even the few of us who choose to listen go about it the wrong way. We interrupt their out pour to either offer solutions, ask questions or do other things that are in no way helpful to the victim.

So how do we help them?

Kevin Briggs, a former patrolman who spent decades dissuading hundreds of people from jumping to their death at the Golden Gate Bridge, stated that he spent 80 percent of the time letting them talk. Briggs only interrupted to answer questions directed at him. Also, he did not pressure them to talk because it overwhelms them instead he gave them time to let it out as they saw fit. According to Briggs, many of them usually abandon their quest after being listened to.

Knowing the right words to say

Most of us are pseudo motivational speakers and in our bid to be supportive (or sound smart) we say things like;
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – this phrase makes it seem like every suffering has valuable lessons attached to them and that’s false. Also, what doesn’t kill you might leave you in a coma.
“It could be worse” – just loosely means although you are sad now, you should know that you could be sad in a worse situation. Really?!!
“Try to get over it” – only makes the victim feel like they are failures and are not trying enough.

None of these words are helpful. Suicidals already see themselves as a burden to their family, friends as well as the society and therefore believe the world would be better off without them. The words they need to hear from us are that of hope. Not judgmental words or cliché lines that make us (the listeners) feel good but does nothing to them.
The right words to say to them are those that express how important they are to you and the people around them. These words should be as honest as can be. For instance, saying “it’s going to be okay by tomorrow” or “I know how you feel” is a lie they can see through. Instead tell them it’s going to be okay but with time. Tell them how strong they are to have gone through those problems and remind them those problems are temporary.

Check up on them:

Anybody can decide to take their life at any time in the face of adversity. This is what the famous Hulk Hogan decided to do shortly after losing his wife. He was considering this option when he got a call from Laila Ali, a friend and the daughter of Mohammed Ali. Laila’s call reminded Hogan that there are people who still cared about his well-being. It gave him the strength to live for another day.
The story above illustrates that when we have depressed friends, the work of checking up on them is never done. After the above processes, constant calls and messages are important. People who have being talked out of suicide are known to try again. Following my little flirt with suicide, a close friend of mine who knew what I was going through would constantly checkup on me. I came to realize that no matter how stupid my problems seemed to me, he’d listen – patiently. His ability to be there for me (and vice versa) has helped us both realize we have a lot to give to ourselves and by extension, the society.

Conclusion

Before mouthing off to judge someone who has taken his or her life, remember we may not have been able to survive in their shoes for long. Of course we can see how much money they had but can we feel the hopelessness they wake up to? We can see their future potential but can we see their mental health struggle? We judge other people’s decisions in order to feel better about our own miserable selves even though we may not know their hidden struggles.
Putting up status updates about suicide awareness does nothing at all. It is the social media way of making us feel like we are changing the world without doing anything. Asking them to pray about it is our way of trying to run away from our responsibilities as human. We have been handed the responsibility of being our brother’s keeper – we need to be there for one another.
So, if you are reading this it’s not too late. Not too late to save a friend, not too late to listen to a colleague, not too late to stop being an insensitive/self-centered a-hole, not too late to take five minutes out of your time to send that text you know will put a smile on that person’s face. It’s also not too late to reconsider taking your life and fessing up to someone you trust that you are not okay.

Written by Funmi Hammed (hifunmi@gmail.com)
Edited by Eniola Ayedun (@cottononlinen_ on twitter)

Kingpee2:
I don’t know how to greet or console people who just lost someone,just don’t know the exact words to say .

Kingpee2:
I don’t know how to greet or console people who just lost someone,just don’t know the exact words to say .

id4sho:

When your Father die you will learn

id4sho:

When your Father die you will learn

Kingpee2:
I don’t know how to greet or console people who just lost someone,just don’t know the exact words to say .

id4sho:

When your Father die you will learn

advocate666:
There is no need to help a suicidal person. All animals commit suicide. Suicide is part of our evolution.

If you stop people killing themselves, the world would just be full of mentally unstable people.

Holywizard:
I'm highly depressed and saddened.
A graduate without a meaningful job to eat.
Sometimes I just feel like to end things.
Social media is not helping things seeing my mates living larger.
God plz help me

MiaB:
it is too late

Debrambaaye:
Sometimes it's not some peoples fault, this world is hard, those people you see joking with this stuff in the comment section are still children still eating mama thank you are still receiving pocket money while in school, you guys have not endured unemployment, lost your job, or lost someone who truly meant the world to you.. When it happens you'll see this world from another perspective especially when NO ONE IS THERE TO HELP, I don't wish depression or suicidal thoughts on anyone