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I'm Confused. I Need Help - Romance - Nairaland

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I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 1:24am On May 05, 2019
cry

Hi I am a young girl of 23. Done with my masters and currently dating a guy...he is nice and all, puts up with all my bullshit (i could just stay and not pick his calls for a week, i don't show enthusiasm to visit or see him, keep him waiting for hours etc) and he still loves me. We don't even have sex sef. He's basically perfect except for one detail. He is not ambitious. He doesn't have money and is just satisfied with recieving not up to 100k everyend of the month. Doesn't strive for better or anything. And he wants to get married. 


Sometimes i think of things like the wedding. Who will pay for it?  And other things. He doesn't even give me money. Not that i feel entitled or anything. But like 6k in like 3 months, even when i was a student. Thats bad abeg. I'm currently not working but soon will as a lecturer. And I'm usually mostly broke for now cos i just defended my thesis. Sometimes I'm ashamed to tell my friends i have a boyfriend cos of all the things their boyfriends do for them and all he doesn't do for me. He is starting to pressure me for marriage and to be honest, im not ready for all that right now. I don't want to get married to someone that has no ambition. Just merely wishful thinking. I'm more of books and not exactly business minded so i should get married to someone who is. I don't want to suffer in anyones house tbvh. There are somethings he does that i think about and know that he actually loves me. But on my own i dont miss him or think of him or anything whatsoever. As he's pressuring me now, if i decide to break up on the basis that I'm not ready, he will be very ready to wait till whenever. I don't know what to do. I dont want to string him along. If i see someone right now that is ambitious and generous and all the good qualites i need, i wont even think twice bout leaving him. I feel bad that it will really hurt him cos he's a good person. He will make a good husband if he was comfortable at least and very smart and ambitious.  He's just there. I tire o. What should i do?

5 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 1:28am On May 05, 2019
cynthie140:
cry

Hi I am a young girl of 23. Done with my masters and currently dating a guy...he is nice and all, puts up with all my bullshit (i could just stay and not pick his calls for a week, i don't show enthusiasm to visit or see him, keep him waiting for hours etc) and he still loves me. We don't even have sex sef. He's basically perfect except for one detail. He is not ambitious. He doesn't have money and is just satisfied with recieving not up to 100k everyend of the month. Doesn't strive for better or anything. And he wants to get married. 


Sometimes i think of things like the wedding. Who will pay for it?  And other things. He doesn't even give me money. Not that i feel entitled or anything. But like 6k in like 3 months, even when i was a student. Thats bad abeg. I'm currently not working but soon will as a lecturer. And I'm usually mostly broke for now cos i just defended my thesis. Sometimes I'm ashamed to tell my friends i have a boyfriend cos of all the things their boyfriends do for them and all he doesn't do for me. He is starting to pressure me for marriage and to be honest, im not ready for all that right now. I don't want to get married to someone that has no ambition. Just merely wishful thinking. I'm more of books and not exactly business minded so i should get married to someone who is. I don't want to suffer in anyones house tbvh. There are somethings he does that i think about and know that he actually loves me. But on my own i dont miss him or think of him or anything whatsoever. As he's pressuring me now, if i decide to break up on the basis that I'm not ready, he will be very ready to wait till whenever. I don't know what to do. I dont want to string him along. If i see someone right now that is ambitious and generous and all the good qualites i need, i wont even think twice bout leaving him. I feel bad that it will really hurt him cos he's a good person. He will make a good husband if he was comfortable at least and very smart and ambitious.  He's just there. I tire o. What should i do?

smh. What exactly are you saying?

8 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by essenceplus: 1:33am On May 05, 2019
Let me pack here
Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Raalsalghul: 1:35am On May 05, 2019
cynthie140:
cry

Hi I am a young girl of 23. Done with my masters and currently dating a guy...he is nice and all, puts up with all my bullshit (i could just stay and not pick his calls for a week, i don't show enthusiasm to visit or see him, keep him waiting for hours etc) and he still loves me. We don't even have sex sef. He's basically perfect except for one detail. He is not ambitious. He doesn't have money and is just satisfied with recieving not up to 100k everyend of the month. Doesn't strive for better or anything. And he wants to get married. 


Sometimes i think of things like the wedding. Who will pay for it?  And other things. He doesn't even give me money. Not that i feel entitled or anything. But like 6k in like 3 months, even when i was a student. Thats bad abeg. I'm currently not working but soon will as a lecturer. And I'm usually mostly broke for now cos i just defended my thesis. Sometimes I'm ashamed to tell my friends i have a boyfriend cos of all the things their boyfriends do for them and all he doesn't do for me. He is starting to pressure me for marriage and to be honest, im not ready for all that right now. I don't want to get married to someone that has no ambition. Just merely wishful thinking. I'm more of books and not exactly business minded so i should get married to someone who is. I don't want to suffer in anyones house tbvh. There are somethings he does that i think about and know that he actually loves me. But on my own i dont miss him or think of him or anything whatsoever. As he's pressuring me now, if i decide to break up on the basis that I'm not ready, he will be very ready to wait till whenever. I don't know what to do. I dont want to string him along. If i see someone right now that is ambitious and generous and all the good qualites i need, i wont even think twice bout leaving him. I feel bad that it will really hurt him cos he's a good person. He will make a good husband if he was comfortable at least and very smart and ambitious.  He's just there. I tire o. What should i do?

Leave him!

3 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Censorme: 1:38am On May 05, 2019
Anyway you are cool, just know that when you eventually finds that person with your spec, he might also dump you someday when he also find another more perfect girl.

You Want to know why? You've wasted the guy time, all these while you just realized


Good luck

17 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by essenceplus: 1:41am On May 05, 2019
Censorme:
Anyway you are cool, just know that when you eventually finds that person with your spec, he might also dump you someday when he also find another more perfect girl.

You Want to know why? You've wasted the guy time, all these while you just realized


Good luck


OP has her right to her choice. Don't use empathy to guilt trip her plz.

9 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by essenceplus: 1:42am On May 05, 2019
OP your concerns are legitimate. Do it this way, tell him you're unsatisfied with the quality of life between you both and he should build himself up first. Your intuition is very healthy and spot on. Follow your guts, this is karma/life/God way of directing you in life. Perhaps you should focus on yourself for a bit. Give yourself a year, and as you climb higher you may meet interesting persons that have the qualities you seek. I walked away from a Canadian Nigerian queen recently, walking away isn't easy, but let the other party know on time you seek more than what they bring to the table. Albeit patiently and carefully.

14 Likes 1 Share

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 1:49am On May 05, 2019
Have you asked him what his plans are in terms of new job, future endeavors etc? Just because a man wakes up and goes to a peanut job everyday doesn't make him dreamless. You need to get into the inner mind of a man to know where he's going. Well at 23, what do you know about men and their endeavors. I suggest you get married to your books and leave that innocent man alone.

22 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Censorme: 1:49am On May 05, 2019
essenceplus:



OP has her right to her choice. Don't use empathy to guilt trip her plz.
Where was that empathy when the guy in question never knew Op never love or loved him

Can't you see op is just playing along with the man.
She taught a person earning 100k is not entitle to have a family, she even have the belief he doesn't have a future. Bro when a lady says that, it's more than that the statement is loaded

8 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 1:52am On May 05, 2019
you don't even understand. what does he want to build? hes 33. works as a contract staff in a bank. no time for anything. Just goes to work from 7 to 6 everyday. works on Saturdays and sundays too. i feel they are just using him.

5 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 1:57am On May 05, 2019
MajorJeffery:
Have you asked him what his plans are in terms of new job, future endeavors etc? Just because a man wakes up and goes to a peanut job everyday doesn't make him dreamless. You need to get into the inner mind of a man to know where he's going. Well at 23, what do you know about men and their endeavors. I suggest you get married to your books and leave that innocent man alone.


e be like say you think i dont have sense. i can't be saying stuff without reasonable basis. i have asked actually. A lot of times. he says he wants to work in an oil company. really. thats his ambition in life. and its not even as if he's making any effort to apply or anything. as if the job will just fall from heaven. i even tried to send him links and all that.

And also, I'd have liked to leave him. Even tried to sef. but he doesn't even want to let me be.

3 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 2:17am On May 05, 2019
cynthie140:


e be like say you think i dont have sense. i can't be saying stuff without reasonable basis. i have asked actually. A lot of times. he says he wants to work in an oil company. really. thats his ambition in life. and its not even as if he's making any effort to apply or anything. as if the job will just fall from heaven. i even tried to send him links and all that.

And also, I'd have liked to leave him. Even tried to sef. but he doesn't even want to let me be.
He can't be having such ambition without having the necessary qualification and applying for related jobs. From your narrative, you are on a fast pace and he is on a slow one so you guys can't be compatible. You are already regretting having him as a boyfriend so the regret will continue and even get worse in marriage. Leave him Madam educationist and let him work his life at his own pace so he doesn't get pushed into mistakes. I know a Nigerian dude that behaves exactly like I have described above and today, I got a call from a Lieutenant in US Navy that an applicant uses my name as a reference and that I should attest to his abilities before they call him in for further processing and she was talking about him. You can imagine my shock and joy. This is a young guy I have been pushing since my Lieutenant days almost 6years ago but he is waking up just now. Some men are slow doesn't mean they are retards.

38 Likes 3 Shares

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Poorboy: 2:18am On May 05, 2019
Life is not fair with men especially if he is from a poor or average home... To get a good job in Nigeria is hard, you are talking about income I work with the Federal Government Agency as a starter and currently I earn about 102k after deductions every month.

Now I have already made plans to get married, you said the guy earn between 100k, don't you think you can marry someone that earns 100k.

8 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by essenceplus: 2:23am On May 05, 2019
Censorme:

Where was that empathy when the guy in question never knew Op never love or loved him

Can't you see op is just playing along with the man.
She taught a person earning 100k is not entitle to have a family, she even have the belief he doesn't have a future. Bro when a lady says that, it's more than that the statement is loaded


She's not. Her concerns are right. Many men even 20 years into the marriage don't measure up. If the man upped his game he won't be where he is. He needs to get built up first before he thinks of relations. Let's not think of relationships within the context of romance. Only. But of development. Welfare and wellbeing once the root deepens. He may have good qualities but doesn't measure up. Niceness doesn't cut it as a man in a relationship as that should be designated to the lady most times, a man should be up and doing or show the signs. Simple

4 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Paxie55: 2:31am On May 05, 2019
Op, biko don't let all these guys guilt trip you into marrying someone below your level and standard, especially someone that's just okay with a peanut he receives without making further steps to earn more.

He just loves you cos you are ambitious, intelligent and has a better future than him.
Had it been reverse is the case, he would have dumped you to marry someone better.
My advise is that you should leave him asap, don't pity him.
I hate people that are too comfortable with whatever that's coming their way.

You have a right to a better life and an ambitious man.

Don't keep him waiting, just break up with him asap.

5 Likes 1 Share

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Raalsalghul: 2:32am On May 05, 2019
essenceplus:



She's not. Her concerns are right. Many men even 20 years into the marriage don't measure up. If the man upped his game he won't be where he is. He needs to get built up first before he thinks of relations. Let's not think of relationships within the context of romance. Only. But of development. Welfare and wellbeing once the root deepens. He may have good qualities but doesn't measure up. Niceness doesn't cut it as a man in a relationship as that should be designated to the lady most times, a man should be up and doing or show the signs. Simple
True!
Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 2:57am On May 05, 2019
Paxie55:
Op, biko don't let all these guys guilt trip you into marrying someone below your level and standard, especially someone that's just okay with a peanut he receives without making further steps to earn more.

He just loves you cos you are ambitious, intelligent and has a better future than him.
Had it been reverse is the case, he would have dumped you to marry someone better.
My advise is that you should leave him asap, don't pity him.
I hate people that are too comfortable with whatever that's coming their way.

You have a right to a better life and an ambitious man.

Don't keep him waiting, just break up with him asap.

what if i meet a man thats ambitious and all that but doesn't treat me like he does. he can do anything for me. and I'm not exaggerating. He cares about little stuff and doesn't follow woman. if I'm sick he's restless. but no be love person go chop. im just scared about the next person.
Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by essenceplus: 3:04am On May 05, 2019
cynthie140:


what if i meet a man thats ambitious and all that but doesn't treat me like he does. he can do anything for me. and I'm not exaggerating. He cares about little stuff and doesn't follow woman. if I'm sick he's restless. but no be love person go chop. im just scared about the next person.


Until you make yourself responsible for your relationships and what it brings to you, you're not matured for one. I repeat focus on your development. Your increased value will attract respect and all you crave than try to ascend with weightiness on your shoulder while you try to ascend.
Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by J4JUVENTUS(m): 3:07am On May 05, 2019
Op doesn't have much love for that dude.
If you do,you both would have made good couple. Nobody is perfect my dear,if that's his imperfection,why not help him out?
Don't tell me you're perfect in all ways dear.
My advice is you help him out,advice him .
And if you can't roll with him,just let go now,because he might be building his world around you now,so breaking his heart later might be very bad.

14 Likes 2 Shares

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Paxie55: 3:09am On May 05, 2019
cynthie140:


what if i meet a man thats ambitious and all that but doesn't treat me like he does. he can do anything for me. and I'm not exaggerating. He cares about little stuff and doesn't follow woman. if I'm sick he's restless. but no be love person go chop. im just scared about the next person.
Never trust the love of a broke man.

9 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by konkonbilo(m): 3:14am On May 05, 2019
OP... Na all of us gather Dey dis country ooo... You know how difficult things can be in Nigeria. So many laddies are praying for their husbands or boyfriends to have a job that pays them close to that amount but wetin I know unless you're not been sensitive.anyway, the choice is yours, people are settling down with lower income compare to that so no go think.

2 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by CyberWolf: 3:33am On May 05, 2019
Will you die if you discuss your concerns with him? .. Healrhy communication is the bedrock of a good and long lasting relationship/marriage. Like you said, he is simply naive because he hasn’t played guys game so, teach him, motivate him, encourage him, that’s what relationship/marriage is all about, it’s not all about sex, spending money, having fun and all that. From your narrative, you appear to me like a meat to play boys/fvck boys because they will tell you everything you want to hear and play and act a perfect scenario to you and you will definitely fall and at the end, you become another Tonto Dike..

4 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by femmoy(m): 3:45am On May 05, 2019
J4JUVENTUS:
Op doesn't have much love for that dude.
If you do,you both would have made good couple. Nobody is perfect my dear,if that's his imperfection,why not help him out?
Don't tell me you're perfect in all ways dear.
My advice is you help him out,advice him .
And if you can't roll with him,just let go now,because he might be building his world around you now,so breaking his heart later might be very bad.

best comment so far.

3 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by olalat(m): 4:39am On May 05, 2019
Paxie55:

Never trust the love of a broke man.
oga the guy is not totally broke like that. He's only low income earner. They can still plan and iron things out if that lady desists from turning a relationship into income. If my guess is right, she agreed to date cos he's banker before discovered his employment status. She should come open and free the guy. People marry on 50k salary and still grow together to become wealthy couples.

10 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by osato45: 5:16am On May 05, 2019
cynthie140:
cry

Hi I am a young girl of 23. Done with my masters and currently dating a guy...he is nice and all, puts up with all my bullshit (i could just stay and not pick his calls for a week, i don't show enthusiasm to visit or see him, keep him waiting for hours etc) and he still loves me. We don't even have sex sef. He's basically perfect except for one detail. He is not ambitious. He doesn't have money and is just satisfied with recieving not up to 100k everyend of the month. Doesn't strive for better or anything. And he wants to get married. 


Sometimes i think of things like the wedding. Who will pay for it?  And other things. He doesn't even give me money. Not that i feel entitled or anything. But like 6k in like 3 months, even when i was a student. Thats bad abeg. I'm currently not working but soon will as a lecturer. And I'm usually mostly broke for now cos i just defended my thesis. Sometimes I'm ashamed to tell my friends i have a boyfriend cos of all the things their boyfriends do for them and all he doesn't do for me. He is starting to pressure me for marriage and to be honest, im not ready for all that right now. I don't want to get married to someone that has no ambition. Just merely wishful thinking. I'm more of books and not exactly business minded so i should get married to someone who is. I don't want to suffer in anyones house tbvh. There are somethings he does that i think about and know that he actually loves me. But on my own i dont miss him or think of him or anything whatsoever. As he's pressuring me now, if i decide to break up on the basis that I'm not ready, he will be very ready to wait till whenever. I don't know what to do. I dont want to string him along. If i see someone right now that is ambitious and generous and all the good qualites i need, i wont even think twice bout leaving him. I feel bad that it will really hurt him cos he's a good person. He will make a good husband if he was comfortable at least and very smart and ambitious.  He's just there. I tire o. What should i do?


does he have some savings he has made to cater for the wedding cost ask him how much he has to that effect?

as a contract staff he may be fortunate that his employers may make his stay a permanent job, does his bank give opportunities for contract staffs to apply and change their employement status through tests and interview?

you hope to get a job as a lecturer, if that sails through don't you feel your income and his can build a home together?

it seems being the academic type you would love to get married to someone in the academia say a lecturer or someone in the medical field

also your post shows you don't love him now and may not have in the past, please kindly have a heart to heart talk based on your post and it must cover all issues including this comment. it may seem tough but you have to do it

its unfortunate he is not seeing the handwriting on the wall that you are not into him as much as he is to you. for a relationship to succeed both parties must be on same page

2 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by LilMissFavvy(f): 5:27am On May 05, 2019
I would not advice you to leave him, honestly. You are very young, stay with him and build things up, atleast he earns something at month end. You said you wonder how the wedding will be financed, ask him like you have said if he can foot a wedding, if not, encourage him to save. Stand by him. Am only saying this, cuz I think he loves you. Then when have a job, you also share responsibilities.

2 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by 9jayes: 5:46am On May 05, 2019
You can come and marry me
Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Happyfela(m): 6:21am On May 05, 2019
I wish the guy can in some way see this post... And relate, then do the Needful

5 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Yoshy: 6:34am On May 05, 2019
cynthie140:
cry

Hi I am a young girl of 23. Done with my masters and currently dating a guy...he is nice and all, puts up with all my bullshit (i could just stay and not pick his calls for a week, i don't show enthusiasm to visit or see him, keep him waiting for hours etc) and he still loves me. We don't even have sex sef. He's basically perfect except for one detail. He is not ambitious. He doesn't have money and is just satisfied with recieving not up to 100k everyend of the month. Doesn't strive for better or anything. And he wants to get married. 


Sometimes i think of things like the wedding. Who will pay for it?  And other things. He doesn't even give me money. Not that i feel entitled or anything. But like 6k in like 3 months, even when i was a student. Thats bad abeg. I'm currently not working but soon will as a lecturer. And I'm usually mostly broke for now cos i just defended my thesis. Sometimes I'm ashamed to tell my friends i have a boyfriend cos of all the things their boyfriends do for them and all he doesn't do for me. He is starting to pressure me for marriage and to be honest, im not ready for all that right now. I don't want to get married to someone that has no ambition. Just merely wishful thinking. I'm more of books and not exactly business minded so i should get married to someone who is. I don't want to suffer in anyones house tbvh. There are somethings he does that i think about and know that he actually loves me. But on my own i dont miss him or think of him or anything whatsoever. As he's pressuring me now, if i decide to break up on the basis that I'm not ready, he will be very ready to wait till whenever. I don't know what to do. I dont want to string him along. If i see someone right now that is ambitious and generous and all the good qualites i need, i wont even think twice bout leaving him. I feel bad that it will really hurt him cos he's a good person. He will make a good husband if he was comfortable at least and very smart and ambitious.  He's just there. I tire o. What should i do?


Unambitious is bad, here is the thing, with the amount of love he has for you, it's easy to influence him to make a conscious effort to change and be more ambitious, you will be even surprised.

When a man truly loves a woman, especially a quality woman, he will put enough effort to change his life, if you let him with a little push.

Being unambitious is a learned lifestyle due to disappointments in life, it takes the right amount of friends, books and exposure to reset that.

This reminds me of 2017, during my service year, I was head over heels with my friend, but was nothing financially, didn't even have a direction, only HOPE, well, I was ambitious but not loud about it, but you couldn't think I was due to my circumstances.

She left and married a gentleman, right now, I am not the same again, my silent ambition is bringing in tangible results that even the girl is surprised how I was able to do it.

Take time to understand the guy first, you can't make tangible conclusions from afar.

A lot of people we write off, maybe silent but doesn't mean they are empty.

14 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Nobody: 6:44am On May 05, 2019
From ur other posts u want a yankee husb. Leave d poor boy alone

1 Like

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Mobi47(m): 6:45am On May 05, 2019
truth is u don't like this guy. u were just pretending all d while. just forget about him and tell him to move on. If you don't like someone be bold to say it on time. you friendzoned him thinking that he will hammer soon, but since the soon is not coming as planned, u are getting tired. You plan is to marry a rich man abi...what u have for him is not love but what I call blackmail love or opportunistic love.... just waiting for him to hammer and u step him. please stop wasting his time and tell him now.

Hope he is not the one that has been training u in school or paying ur school fees. we don't want to hear another story o.

Ladies looking for an already made guy, always ends up 80% of the time in regrets

10 Likes

Re: I'm Confused. I Need Help by Raalsalghul: 6:52am On May 05, 2019
Mobi47:
truth is u don't like this guy. u were just pretending all d while. just forget about him and tell him to move on. If you don't like someone be bold to say it on time. you friendzoned him thinking that he will hammer soon, but since the soon is not coming as planned, u are getting tired. You plan is to marry a rich man abi...what u have for him is not love but what I call blackmail love or opportunistic love.... just waiting for him to hammer and u step him. please stop wasting his time and tell him now.

Hope he is not the one that has been training u in school or paying ur school fees. we don't want to hear another story o.

Ladies looking for an already made guy, always ends up 80% of the time in regrets
Leave all those ones make them dey advise am.
Only reason she's staying is for lack of better options.

5 Likes

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