This is new for me. I have never sought for personal advice online but I would like to get real Nigerian peeps input on this matter.

In order to understand my situation a little background might help. I am a 27 years old single female (yes and I'm not in a hurry to get married thank u very much). Just returned from the US after staying there for 10 years. I schooled and graduated from college in the US and began working. I had my pad, my car, and paid all my bills. So yes I am/was very much independent. After staying in the States for 10 years I became home sick. So I quit my job, sold all my belongings and moved back to Abuja, naija.
At this point u're probably wondering why I just didn't visit and say hi to everyone and just go back to US. Well I actually had a plan when i came back to naija. Stay with parents for 3 months and then move out. Apparently, houses in Abuja are bloody expensive which I'm beginning to realize. I still have enough to rent a decent place though but haven't really started looking because of my parents.

Any way the problem is that I've been put on a 6pm curfew. Yes a 6pm curfew!!! I mean c'mon now I'm no longer a kid. I understand it's not safe in Nigeria but it was not safe in the US either and I survived. I mean in Naija do chicks not leave the house once it's dark. Am I exhibiting some abnormal behavior. I drink responsibly and don't do drugs. I'm not a wild child and have never had a wild moment in my life (I'm what u call a homebody. I'm usually the one people are dragging to go out on a Friday and Saturday nite. I'm a geek. I love watching animes and TV a lot). Lord knows that I've never done anything that anyone will see and say it's shameful behavior. I'm tired of arguing with my parents. At my age I'm still having to take permission from my parents to leave the house. Imagine that.
So my question is, is it outside the norm for chicks to hang out after dark I mean do people not have social lives in this country or are all female adults supposed to be caged at home Are female adults not allowed any freedom in this country Are all the females chilling with their friends after dark instantly labeled as prostitutes??

your input will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

I feel your pain but I would listen to your parents - after 7pm don't go out.

I know ur 27 but nigeria is not america

A word of advice - you are now in the jungle.

There's no police or law to watch over you as a female.

Even as a guy, I do not stay out late whenever I am in Nigeria.

I dont know about abuja, but in Lagos, if you are out late on the island . . you stay there! That way you can stay out all night on the island but you dont leave until it is daylight again.

There is no such thing as 'grown' in Nigeria so your parents are after your safety. It has nothing to do with you being a female.

When you get your own apt., then you can decide what you wanna do . . but the rules still generally hold - for ur own safety

This is painful . . .
How can they give you a curfew at age 27 . . .?!

All you have to do now is get out as fast as you can. I can tell you for a fact that their clutches will be on your neck until you get married and maybe even beyond that. Don't bother arguing anymore. Just find a flat in Abuja, or go back to the US. They say that familiarity breeds contempt. Since that is the case, all you have to do is make yourself an unfamiliar presence.

. .

I understand how you are feeling.  I stayed with some older couple (about 10-15 yrs older) when I just moved into a new town here and it was like I had a curfew till midnyt. Geez, I'm a guy and in your age group. It was very annoying, and I couldn't wait to move out. Not that I stay out late all the time but I like to have the option available.

As for now, its their house, their rules. Try to take it for as long as you are in there. When you move out to your own place, you can play by whatever rules you want to.

kokoye:

A word of advice - you are now in the jungle.

There's no police or law to watch over you as a female.

Even as a guy, I do not stay out late whenever I am in Nigeria.

I dont know about abuja, but in Lagos, if you are out late on the island . . you stay there! That way you can stay out all night on the island but you dont leave until it is daylight again.

There is no such thing as 'grown' in Nigeria so your parents are after your safety. It has nothing to do with you being a female.

When you get your own apt., then you can decide what you wanna do . . but the rules still generally hold - for your own safety

I understand that. And know that they are looking out for my safety but damn at 6pm i'm at home doing absolutely nothing, No light, no cable (b'cos lord knows if we had cable this would not be an issue), i've read everything in this house. At this point I'm just asking till 9pm. Abuja from what I've gathered is relatively safer than other States. I've been to most places I can frequent during the day. I'm still new in Abuja and looking to meet like minded peeps like myself. I'm not sure how to meet them if most of them are at work during the day. If there is somewhere i could go during the day and meet people i'm open to that option. But what really gets me is that if I said I was going to evening mass which ends at 7:30 or told them I had a thing at church to attend that ends at 9pm no one would have an issue with that.

ada24:

I feel your pain but I would listen to your parents - after 7pm don't go out.

I know your 27 but nigeria is not america

After 7 u're funny. They wouldn't even let me leave the house after 5pm hahaha. But if I had a function at church or had to attend evening mass at 6:30pm then no problemo. I quite agree that this isn't America but dang it 6pm curfew. Heck i remember when I had to take permission from my parents to go to an art showing with a friend. Well let's just say it was not a pleasant experience. And when I got there I saw people my age and even younger people there. I thought I was going to only meet mama and papa there.

Get your own place. Abuja is a safer place. As long as you don't go telling everyone you are from abroad. Which part of of Abj do you stay?

deniyor:

Get your own place. Abuja is a safer place. As long as you don't go telling everyone you are from abroad. Which part of of Abj do you stay?

I'm not looking to flex as they say in Naija. I want privacy and freedom is that too much to ask? I leave in Kubwa and I'm not very fond of it but I'm getting used to it. At least it has some very beautiful scenery - the mountains

Kubwa is a bit rougher but safe. I think your parents are just paranoid abt your safety. You might hv to flex some muscles with them to push the limits more. Even as a kid in abj, I still got up to 8pm.

Their house their rules!! I would personally work hard in order to move out ASAP!! Just remain safe!

Ladyjide:

Their house their rules!! I would personally work hard in order to move out ASAP!! Just remain safe!

u're quite right. Oh well guess I'll just have to tolerate this a lil bit longer.

yea that's pretty harsh. but i don't think they should be forcing you to do anything at age 27. they should only be giving advice etc.
so,what is the punishment for breaking the curfew?

^^^^^exactly, although its their house and their rules, breaking them is sometimes needed to drive your point across.

@poster
if you have a well paying job then i am wondering why you havent moved out yet?

Get a job and you will be free from their grip, they aint going to tell you when to close it is only your employer that has the right to tell you that. In that case you can hang out with friends and come back late. You can always tell them that you worked less.

Why dont u get cable in the house as u are a tube-gurl
Kubwa is not very safe too.

You are not over reacting.

It can be tough having to live by such rules when you have been independent for a while.

The truth is you have no choice, as long as its their house, they can make the rules.

Don't waste time being angry at them, use the time you have now to cement your bond.

You may never have this chance again.

sms4health:

You are not over reacting.

It can be tough having to live by such rules when you have been independent for a while.

The truth is you have no choice, as long as its their house, they can make the rules.

Don't waste time being angry at them, use the time you have now to cement your bond.

You may never have this chance again.

I'm actually not angry and understand that they are only concerned for my safety but it irks me that this is something that has been going on since I was 16 years. Then It was I could not go out on a date in the afternoon because I might get pregnant. To me I see it as a control issue. If I go out two days in a row even in the afternoon I'm getting the 3rd degree. Yes Kubwa is not safe but I'm not consistently putting myself in harms way. Any way I've resolved to start looking for a place ASAP. That way this will not be a cause for me to hold any hard feelings against my parents.
I kinda hoped by this time they would have chilled with this. Anyway thank you all for your input.

ifyalways:

Why dont u get cable in the house as u are a tube-gurl 
Kubwa is not very safe too.

Believe me that's what i wanted to do initially. But my Dad hugs the TV and we don't usually have light everyday. That's why I got the internet thinking I could keep up with my shows but the internet here is so slow it's painful. And I'm using the fastest connection in Abuja according to popular opinion.

Dnt let anybody deceive you Abuja is relatively safe.I dnt believe at your age you would see dangerous criminals and go hang out with them or deliberately live a wild life since you are not the type.I live in abuja i stay out very late smetimes,nothing has happened to me and hopefully nothing will.
Your parents are being overly concerned if you didnt live wild when you were alone and far away is it while with them you will sudenly get juvenile.since you staying in their house.i guess you have to respect their rules but at least you can let them knw you are no longer a kid.
and goodluck wth your hse search.

Be not in a rush to get out of the house remember experience is the best teacher.
Introduce any of your friends (with good background) to your parents,let them have
a feel of the kind of people you mingle with.
Don't forget it is their responsibility to guide you till you are able to establish yourself properly.
Best of luck in your endeavors.

--

Yes, come in before dark. It is dangerous, Nigeria is nothing like the good ol' USA!!! Welcome back to the hood!!!!

chaircover:

LoL it reminds me of when I came home on holiday from school and told my mum I wanted to go to an all night party. She didn't even glance up when she told me with a straight face that no problem; but be back by 9pm     

@poster, whether you like it or not, you are a baby in the eyes of your parents and their first instinct is to want to protect you. You will become a parent someday & you will have the exact same fears over your children.

You are a woman and at a delicate stage of your life & there are people out there ready to exploit your not being streetwise in Nigeria; even so called friends cannot always be trusted. A slipped tablet in a drink can spell trouble etc.

For now try and find ways to entertain yourself at home and most probably when you start dating and your parents feel comfortable with the fella, then I am sure they wont mind him taking you out.

You can try and talk to them about delaying the "must be home" time by an hour or so but quite frankly there is nothing much to gain by that extra hour cos you will just be looking at your watch and not be able to relax.

I think what they are also trying to do is to limit the likelihood of you being see out too much, so that when Mr Right does come knocking no one is going to be able to spread any nasty gossip/rumor about you. This is Nigeria and someone always knows someone else. Basically they are trying to protect your honor & keeping you clean

Just think of it as a phase and will pass. See your parents as only trying to protect you.

In regards to the bolded part believe me I am well aware of this. Everyone is in your business. Such is life in naija and i'm guarding my rep.

Meddler:


Believe me that's what i wanted to do initially. But my Dad hugs the TV and we don't usually have light everyday. That's why I got the internet thinking I could keep up with my shows but the internet here is so slow it's painful. And I'm using the fastest connection in Abuja according to popular opinion.

Get another TV for urself and if possible,get a small Generator too.
Theres no light in Kubwa and u want to go out at night?
Please a million things could happen to you.You can also make friends(people that have been staying in 9ja) so you can go out in groups,its a lil'bit safer .

@ Poster,

let me ask you this (Is there anything special in the Night Outting that you can not do in the day time)? Your Parents knows better than you do especially when its comes to Nija and they love you a lot, they don't want to have any cause of regretting with the situation of things in Nija now i.e. Kidnapping here and there? remeber if kidnapped they (parents) will be the one to pay the Ransom etc, So far you are not stopped from going out in the day time then there should be no cause for alarm , There is this Yoruba adage that said (A well trained child does not go out in the night),

kubwa is in the outskirts of town, and it doesn't exactly come to mind when you tell people that you live in abuja. . .i've been there about four times so i cant say much but it isn't as safe as the main town. . .(i think there are still bikes in kubwa sef)

back to sensible advice, can you tell your parents that you want to go to a different church from them? there's this church called COZA where practically all the young folks in abj go(i dont go there sha. . .) it'd be a nice place to meet ppl. You could go to the cinemas to hang out over the weekend too, (if your constitution is strong you can holler at 190, i gather he doesn't stay too far from kubwa)

Also the traffic getting into kubwa from town in the evenings is unreasonable, if you leave town by 5 you might not get home till around 9, so for you to avoid the unholy traffic you have to leave pretty late, i think that's one of the things your parents have in mind

I'm a bit of a homebody myself so i guess i cant help with the 'places to hang out' thingy, i'll ask around sha and paste it here as i find them. . .what do you like to do? that might help, you mentioned reading, you could join british council, they have a library there.(i'm trying to find out about the hot air balloon rides in abj, i'll share whatever info i find if this thread is still alive)

errr. . .i'm not sure how helpful i've been so i'll stop here. . .

oh yeah. . .are you doing/going to do NYSC? if you are, things should improve then. . .cos you'll meet a few ppl during camp.

one more thing. . .about the moving into your own apartment thing. . .you'd better save that for when you can afford it in the long term so you dont have to move back in. Housing in abuja is beyond expensive.

^^^I agree with you with regards to those horrendous hold-ups geez, they are the stuffs nightmares are made of


@OP
I still get placed under curfew too and was told, you don't know anywhere, you can't trust anyone, blah, blah, blah, and used to get pissed off until i learnt the reason why. Mine was even worse, i have to start heading home by 4pm wherever i went and i had to have a chaperone at all times, we lived in Lagos and i was at home last spring and went to a small "do" and my Pops instructed the Driver to leave the party at exactly 4pm on the dot as usual.


I persuaded the guy to stay till 6.30pm and we set out for home, home that should have taken us 30 minutes to get to, took over 3 hours due to hold-ups, cars breaking down, trailers abandoned by the road sides, etc. Even though i got a bit shaken because I was petrified of the dark, we managed to get home in one piece thankfully. And i put it down to "oh maybe it was because it was a weekend"


Fast forward to a few days later, i accepted an impromptu invite to attend my Uncle's introduction/engagement, again, we were told to set off by 4pm, again Once more, i delayed the guy but this time, we left the party at 5.30pm, with me thinking if we left a bit earlier, what happened the last time would not repeat itself, how wrong was i, chei, i have never been that scared and traumatised in my whole life. Twice whilst we were in that horrendous pile up, about 60 rampanging youth got down from molues from every exits including windows and started banging sides of cars, I THOUGHT THEY WERE ARMED RObBERS WHO WANTED TO START STEAMING AND STEALING, BUT THANKFULLY THEY WEREN'T ROBBERS BUT WAS JUST IN A HASTE TO GET OUT OF THE TRAFFIC. This journey took us over 5 hours, and since then i said NEVER AGAIN

As to why i was that scared i don't know, as i have been stopped at a checkpoint once, told to step out and with one drunken Police Officer pointing his gun at me whilst swaying under the influence of alcohol and trying to load a bullet, that he was going to teach my mouth a lesson. I stood there and he asked why i wasn't afraid and I said cos we are all gonna die someday, lol. My Dad had been informed this time by some of his friends who saw us but couldn't stop, and he called my phone, asked me to give the phone to the Police Officer and i didn't even know when i blurted out "I'm sorry i can't give my phone to this one incase he decides to pocket it", the Olopa still loading his bullet just looked at me and laughed, and said i should just give him N200 to buy guilder and they let us off.

After these incidents, i stopped going anywhere whenever i am in Naija, until i ventured out one day at around 11am and was in Ikeja and asked where everyone was, cos there was barely a soul on the road, and was told it is usually like that in the daytime, so since then if i have to go out, i leave home around 11am and is back by 3pm latest I love Nigeria