Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? - Family - Nairaland
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Please Save Me From Myself, My Husband Cheated On Me, I Tried To Kill Myself / Save Me Before My Police Husband Kills Me, Wife Cries Out / HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW TROUBLING YOUR MARRIAGE! (2) (3) (4)
| Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Lizzy2010(f): 9:30am On Oct 11, 2010 |
When I met George (my husband), he was so caring and loving; the best refined and easy going man I ever met. I want to believe that his recent attitude was induced by his mother and as far as I am concerned, I am on the verge of breaking down, I don't think I can bear this any longer. After our marriage, God blessed us with three beautiful children; two girls and a boy. One of the girls is still a baby. I noticed George's behaviour began to change when he got his first job. When we moved from our one-room apartment to a three - bedroom, he invited his mother to stay with us because she was getting advanced in age and there was no one to stay with her in the village. Hence, she came to live with us and that was when things started going wrong. Mama had never approved of me from the beginning and it was George's assurance and love that allayed my fears I didn't know things would turn around and I would be their scapegoat. When I had our last baby, Mama took over the running of our home. Initially, I mistook her attitude to be an act of kindness, but it was not long she started showing her true colour. She would dictate everything to me and it got to the extent that she would receive and dismiss visitors as she wished. I complained to George about this and reminded him of our initial plan not to bring any relative to our matrimonial home, but his response shocked me. He said if I was not contented with his mother's presence, I should leave his house. He said I should try to embrace his mother as my own. I decided to be cautious. Perhaps, I was overdoing it, I thought I should be more patient with Mama, after all, what if she was my mother? But George's rude response lingered in my memory for a long time that I found it hard to even discuss any personal issue with him; he never bothered too. The situation started getting worse as the gap between us was widening daily. Our communication was at zero level and for weeks, he refused to eat at home. He would give one excuse or the other to abandon the food I cooked for him. Mama was aware of all that was going on between us. In fact, it was as if she was behind it all because she actually became closer to George. They were inseparable; they were playing husband and wife and I was left to cater for myself and my baby. When all these were going on, the children were at the receiving end. George no longer showed them fatherly love; he disregarded their needs and whenever they asked him for anything, he would direct them to me without blinking an eye. One fateful day, Mama had a disagreement with me over some visitors who came calling. I challenged her that she was allowing many unknown faces into the house. She yelled at me, claiming it was her son's house and no one could stop her from doing whatever she wanted. When George came that night, Mama painted another picture of what happened earlier in the day; she even said I abused her. In a nutshell, George refused to listen to my own side of the story; he just slapped me. There and then, he asked me to pack my things and leave his house. I pleaded with him for the children's sake, but all to no avail. The following day, I packed some few things and with the children, I went back to my mother; she was all I had left since I lost my father when I was a child. Mama was at the centre of the situation; she was in support of her son. She told me I had not been a good wife, that his son had made a big mistake when he chose to marry me. She even said I had brought bad luck to her son and she even doubted if my children were her son's. I was so pissed off with what Mama said, but there was nothing I could do. I tried to think if I had offended her, I couldn't just place it. Anyway, I have been at home for six months with my mother now and the issue has not been resolved, but the problem now is that my husband is disturbing me and the children. He has been coming around trying to plead and see the children. I still love my husband and I couldn't stop him from coming and see them even if he abandoned us, but as long as his mother is alive, things would not change for the better. I am not a woman who advocates single parenting or divorce; I know I need my husband to raise these children. I have missed him for this one year and it has not been easy for me taking care of those children alone, but what will I do with my mother-in-law? George has been going to the children's school to see them and I had met him there on one or two occasions. His looks suggested he regretted his actions and with unspoken words, he wants me to come back but he wouldn't say a word whenever he sees me. This attitude of his gets me annoyed and makes me wonder if it is his ego that is holding him back from apologising or his mother? His mother certainly must have something to do with this. Sometimes I even think she is fetish. My mother is always encouraging me that he would come around since he has realised his mistakes but how long will I wait? I want my husband and home back. Please, what can I do to help my husband and our home from his callous mother? |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by invisible2(m): 12:39pm On Oct 11, 2010 |
Your mother in law may have very little to do with this. Your husband is to blame. He is not in control of his house. Just endure his absence and show a strong face to the world. His kids will bring him back. He may have had a serious affair and had just come back to his senses. His new status will expose him to more choice which he didnt have when he was living in a one room hole. Wealth has its own negatives. It shall be well. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Iranoladun(f): 3:39pm On Oct 11, 2010 |
@Poster Your mother in-law is certainly not to blame for your present scenario. I'd rather heap the blame on you and your husband. You first let go of your household control under the guise that mama is helping out. Your husband soon follow suit and for him it is his mother so its very easy for him to latch-on When mama started using her new-found power/control you only tagged along meekly until you and your husband were no longer communicating and mama was on the throne dishing out order and manipulating the situation for her gains. Never ever allow anyone under any circumstances to gain the upper hand when it comes to communicating with your spouse. If he's angry and doesn't want to talk give him time to nurse his anger and raise the issue calmly later outside the vicinity of the offending party or the person at the center of the issue. There is nothing wrong with Mother in-law or any relative living with you it is how you handle their interference/meddlesome that will determine whether they or your husband will see you as an angel or the devil. Living with in-laws including your own relations in your matrimonial home takes a lot of guts, patience and diplomacy. if not handle with care it is the wife that usually loose out until its too late. Never ever put a man in a situation where he will have to choose between you and his mother; in naija most of the time the man will choose his mother  Thank God your husband has not divorce you or re-marry and I'm happy that against all odds you still love your husband. I'd suggest you put your ego aside and go back and reclaim your home & husband. Try visiting him in the office for lunch appointment if possible or arrange a weekend lunch or dinner and ignite the old flame. Lastly go and meet mama and apologise genuinely for the quarell between you and her. Treat her the way you'd treat your Mum especially if you remember your mum and you somtimes see things differently and you don't dis-own her for it. If need be go with your Mum and some elders that Mama respect in order to reconcile your relationship with mama. Remember mama has come to stay and please make her stay as enjoyable as possible I wish you all the best on your path to reclaim your husband and home  |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 5:54pm On Oct 11, 2010 |
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| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by TheClown: 7:38pm On Oct 11, 2010 |
Well, your husband overreacted. But you shouldn't have questioned your mother-in-law's right to entertain visitors, that was wrong. If you were not comfortable about it, there are better ways of presenting it, or, you would've discussed it with your husband instead. I wish you goodluck. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 5:21am On Oct 12, 2010 |
I do suggest you call your husband and explaine how you feel and tell him to tell you if he still need you or you should continue with ur life because u still got other men stiring at you. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by tEsLim(m): 8:06am On Oct 12, 2010 |
Rescue yourself diplomatically. Patience, Diplomacy, Understanding. 3 words of advice |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Lizzy2010(f): 10:24am On Oct 12, 2010 |
Why are u all blaming me, for God's sake? Whose home? Mine or my mother in-law's? I just cannot understand why everybody keeps blaming me |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 10:39am On Oct 12, 2010 |
Lizzy2010: Neither can I. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Lizzy2010(f): 11:37am On Oct 12, 2010 |
I really appreciate the contributions of people here, but i don't think i deserve this blame. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by tigerpaws(f): 12:47pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
@lizzy If you have to reconcile with your hubby and decide to move back into 'your' apartment. MAKE SURE YOUR HUBBY SENDS HIS MOTHER OUT OF YOUR MATRIMONIAL HOME BEFORE YOU MOVE IN OR YOU WILL FACE THE SAME PROBLEM OVER N OVER AGAIN |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by sms4health: 1:00pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
Somebody has to be the first to give. Why not you? Call your husband and suggest you have a talk and see what comes out of it. Yes, your Mother in-Law living with you created problems but it was because you did not set boundaries in the beginning. Your husband will not choose his Mum over you. Neither will you for that matter. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by tigerpaws(f): 2:34pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
sms4health: He can as well marry his mother! Since he brought her to live permanently in his matrimonal home!!! Absolute rubbish! |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by beautyline(f): 2:39pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
Lizzy2010: My dear, I also don't think you deserve this blame but the truth is that marriage requires a lot of spunk on the part of the wife. Most M-I-Ls hate their son's wife for taking their son away from them. No matter what you do, you can never please them so better don't even try being friends with them. You should have made her uncomfortable so that she will leave your home for you rather you allowed her to push you out - did you push her out of her own husband's house?. All the talk about accepting your M-I-L as your own mother does not work in a majority of marriages. Stop looking for pity - either in nairaland or elsewhere. Open up dialogue with your husband, apologise and ask to come back to your home. As soon as you come back, grind pepper and pour in your M-I-L's eyes (figuratively!) so that she will go back to her own house where she belongs. Then take good care of your husband and children. Nonsense! |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by hannydarl(f): 3:33pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
Why are some women here blaming the poor woman? How did she cause the problem. should she have been rude and strict with the mother inlaw? I see no wrong in allowing mama feel free in her son's home I believe the problem lies with the hubby. He should be man enough to shield his wife from a hateful mother. He knew his mom never liked the wife and so he should have made it clear that he would not take any troubles from his mother towards his wife. I wonder how you women blaming the poster would have handled the matter o. Oh ok I think I know you would have beaten up the old woman and pushed her out before her son returns from work. Why is it that in Nigeria people expect the woman to endure abuse from the inlaws? why should it be the wife always bending to accommodate the other members of her extended family? cant the hubby's family see that the wife is also human and deserves peace of mind in her home? The case here is clear. Mama wants to frustrate the wife and any rule placed in the house by the wife would have resulted in conflict between mama and wife taking the wife back to square one. The husband should try to make life easy for his mother and wife since he has decided to put the two of them under the same roof. 3 Likes |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 5:56pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
I think the error was the husband deciding to move his mother into his matrimonial home on a permanent basis, knowing full well she didn't like his wife, or approve of his marrying her. How can it be the lady's fault? Her mother-in-law didn't like her friends visiting, and made it clear from the get-go. She practically took over the running of the home, the only thing left was for her to climb into her son's bed, share it with him, and relegate her daughter-in-law to either the spare room, or the sofa! The "man" of the house has not taken control of his household, he's allowed his mom to raise cain in his home, because he doesn't want conflict. But this conflict avoidance has come at the expense of his wife's rightful place in his home. And as for him slapping his wife, is that her fault too? Is there ever any excuse for a man to lay hands upon his wife? Totally unacceptable! He's the one with issues, not his wife, and to a certain degree, not his mom. His mom will only push his wife as far as he'll allow her to. Which is one of the reasons I personally will not tolerate parents-in-law, or even my own parents moving in with myself, my wife and child on a permanent basis. My immediate family's happiness and well-being are of the utmost importance to me, and I will not allow anyone threaten their security, regardless of who they are. 2 Likes |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by TewMuch: 6:23pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
When you started this relationship or got married you obviously did not discuss the boundaries. All Inlaws visiting should have a specified length of time to stay (it is up to you guys to decide how much or how long). Also, you never confront or get into an argument with your inlaw. You let your husband handle that and vice versa. You also do not need to have a bond with your inlaw, mutual respect is adequate so that the boundaries remain. You need to call your husband and discuss your marriage so you know where you stand. If he is willing to sacrifice his life and children for an old mama that may soon die then it is up to him. He is sacrificing his future over his emotions. He obviously loves his children, so emphasize family unity and the importance of his presence in his children's lives. Tell him how much they miss him and how much they would love for him to be around more on a permanent basis. But Mama must leave, as her time has expired in the house. Also tell him you are not comfortable with strangers in your house as your kids are so little, and the world is a dangerous place now (kidnappers and molesters). He also needs to communicate to his mum that you and his children are very important to him, and she has to live with the fact that you people are not going anywhere. She cannot take over your house. I have a question, was his mum a single mother? I am guessing if he had a father, she would not try all she is doing. These kind of behaviors come from single mother's and their son's. They are over protective and dont value family unity most times. Goodluck. 1 Like |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 6:57pm On Oct 12, 2010 |
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| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 2:47am On Oct 13, 2010 |
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-530803.0.html I knew there was sthg fishy abt this thread, it looked more like a story, a copy n paste story. Secondly the poster hasnt said much after the main story  |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by tigerpaws(f): 6:34am On Oct 13, 2010 |
jennykadry: Busted   @post Next time, put the source and dont make it seem you are the character in the situation! I cant believe i just wasted 5 mins reading this  |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Lizzy2010(f): 9:23am On Oct 13, 2010 |
tigerpaws:. Sorry ma, it is not a copy and paste story. I was the one who sent the story to Nigerian Tribune. What i did was to open a line of discussion here as advised by a friend. Am still discussing with my husband, but am 90% convinced that his mother has cast a spell on him. Once again, thanks for the various contributions. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by QSola: 3:35pm On May 06, 2013 |
Siena: I think the error was the husband deciding to move his mother into his matrimonial home on a permanent basis, knowing full well she didn't like his wife, or approve of his marrying her. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 7:59pm On May 06, 2013 |
My dear i will be very upfront with you.you see this days many men are very childish,they have the looks of an adult but the behaviour of a 13 year old.they want to remain married men but they dont want to let go of 'mummy' while at the same time they want their wives to let go of dady,mummy and their girlfriends.they dont want to realise the fact that they are adults and their kids are looking up to them.the moment you make a man whether you are married to him or still dating feel that your life and existence revolves around marriage,he will continually trat you like a 3rd class person.to be candid its men that need marriage more than women,because the men cannot have babies on their own,they need to get a woman pregnant before they have their own kids,they need a confidant,a s3x partner,someone to massage their ego and comfort them after a bad day.not even their friends can give them all this.so the moment he asked me to leave his house because of his mom,i wont even beg not even for the sake of the kids because at one time or the other every man comes back to his senses.sometimes it might take a short while,sometimes it might take a long while.when the kids grow up and they start asking mummy who is this man,his eye will clear (i have seen instances like that) let him go out and frolick with any type of girl he likes,ile lapoti jokosi,he will still come back home.so now he has come back home tell him that you will come back on the condition that mama leaves that house,if he is not ready to make her leave he can as well marry her and then if he agrees to make mama go tell him to organize a wedding anniversary for you the meaning of the wedding anniversary is that you guys are starting afresh on a clean note because of the disregrad and insult you recieved.if he cant do this he can go ahead and marry his mom or whoever he desires.this your experience is what happened to my elder sisters friend and the man did everything.he is not doing you a favour by marrying you,you people are partners in the marriage with different responsibilities and roles intertwined together.if one fails in his responsibility not only will the partner suffer,the kids will suffer along with it..it irritates me the level of insults and humiliations women go through ijust to be mrs,so many that i cant state here. |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 8:15pm On May 06, 2013 |
[quote author=QSola][/quote] hahaha i didnt even notice the slap own.so he slapped her too.smh,interesting.anyway my father has already warned his son inlaws,no one lays a hand against my daughters o.there is an undertaken they sign before wedding including his mom.any one that gets violent on my daughter will be locked up.you are free to insult her,correct her and do any other thing to correct her apart from violence.to each their own anyway,when its not like she is iyawo sara or iyawo polybag that just got pregnant and before we say jack robinson,she has moved to the man's house...smh and if i start with issues relating to domestic violence against women,some men who are a fan of domestic violece will say kulyie has come with her feminism issues again.slapping the mother of your own biological kids  thats the height of it |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Fhemmmy: 8:51pm On May 06, 2013 |
Only your husband could save you from your MIL, cos only him could stop the nonsense . . . 1 Like |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Nobody: 1:39am On May 07, 2013 |
Interestin story evn though its a bit old. @op how far? My hubby always tell me,don't start what u can't finish.I will blame d poster here and not d hubby.if things turn around for u and I pray it has,don't ever start what u can never finish |
| Re: Who Will Save Me From My Mother In-law? by Fhemmmy: 2:06pm On May 07, 2013 |
yellowpawpaw: Interestin story evn though its a bit old. Kai, me sef no look at the date oh . . . |
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