Should family background influence your choice of spouse?

jarawa:
Should family background influence your choice of spouse?

Definitely,it affects how they think and how they will towards the spouse and children

Yes.

I will not marry anyone from a home where they churn out badly raised humans as a norm.

You have to come from a godly home where a sense of decency and propriety was carefully instilled in the offsprings.

More so, I don't want my kids to have to spend holidays in an environment I don't at all appreciate.

So yes, at least to me, the background matters.

100%. Bear in mind children always end up like their parents. Most times anyway. Have a marriage with someone from a broken home at your own peril.

Jacinthe:
Yes.

I will not marry anyone from a home where they churn out badly raised humans as a norm.

You have to come from a godly home where a sense of decency and propriety was carefully instilled in the offsprings.

More so, I don't want my kids to have to spend holidays in an environment I don't at all appreciate.

So yes, at least to me, the background matters.

Just say you want a man from a rich family.
I won't judge you it's not a bad thing at all.
But I want to ask you though,why the emphasis on godliness?
What if the man has all of your required qualities but isn't religious or godly?

Logobenz2:
Just say you want a man from a rich family.
I won't judge you it's not a bad thing at all.
But I want to ask you though,why the emphasis on godliness?
What if the man has all of your required qualities but isn't religious or godly?

A man who isn't godly can't pass the entrance exam to start with. He doesn't have to be religious, but he will be godly. They don't always mean the same thing.

Now to the first thing you raised. Why is the thinking of the average Nigerian man so restricted that he can't seem to think beyond "girls like money too much?".

I'm not wretched by God's grace, neither am I a gold-digger, but yes I don't pray to marry a man who can't buy pampers for my babies and give them a sound education. And no, I don't want to be the breadwinner of my home. Or do you pray for that for your sisters/female cousins?

And for all it's worth, what I was thinking about when I wrote the above was the safety of my future kids in my future in-laws' house. I don't want a place they will go for one week, come back and be teaching me what I didn't teach them, or other things worse.

Jacinthe:


A man who isn't godly can't pass the entrance exam to start with. He doesn't have to be religious, but he will be godly. They don't always mean the same thing.

Now to the first thing you raised. Why is the thinking of the average Nigerian man so restricted that he can't seem to think beyond "girls like money too much?".

I'm not wretched by God's grace, neither am I a gold-digger, but yes I don't pray to marry a man who can't buy pampers for my babies and give them a sound education. And no, I don't want to be the breadwinner of my home. Or do you pray for that for your sisters/female cousins?

And for all it's worth, what I was thinking about when I wrote the above was the safety of my future kids in my future in-laws' house. I don't want a place they will go for one week, come back and be teaching me what I didn't teach them, or other things worse.

I understand and I know for sure you aren't wretched.
Don't ask me how I know though,I am an expert in finance.
Moving on...
What I mean is how would you feel if a man that doesn't go to church or isn't religious asks you for a date?bit has the right morals.likw knows what's right and what's not but has a weird past that he has totally moved on from?
Like he stoped doing some really bad things and wants someone he could build something with?
A man that isn't wretched and from a good family that is religious but he isn't?
A man who can provide for you and your kids excellently well and provide all the basics of life for you but does not just believe in God at all due to some circumstances he faced while growing in life?

Logobenz2:
I understand and I know for sure you aren't wretched.
Don't ask me how I know though,I am an expert in finance.
Moving on...
What I mean is how would you feel if a man that doesn't go to church or isn't religious asks you for a date?bit has the right morals.likw knows what's right and what's not but has a weird past that he has totally moved on from?
Like he stoped doing some really bad things and wants someone he could build something with?
A man that isn't wretched and from a good family that is religious but he isn't?
A man who can provide for you and your kids excellently well and provide all the basics of life for you but does not just believe in God at all due to some circumstances he faced while growing in life?

Wasn't interested enough to ask you how you know or dont know, to start with.

So yes, where were we?
.........

If a man who doesnt go to church asks me on a date, I will ask him something back: "If a fish and a bird fell in love, where would they live?". If he can't give me a good answer, I wont start what I cant finish. The thing is, I go to church. I dont want a man who doesnt go to church to promise me that I can continue when we get married, only for him to change and start giving me problems tomorrow. I have seen similar cases of this. Or for him to say tomorrow, that my children cannot go to church. And at the end of the day, I want to be going to church with my spouse. He should go and look for a woman who doesnt go to church too.

If he can provide for me excellently well, but doesnt believe in God due to some circumstances he has faced, I would empathize with him. But say yes to him because of pity or excellent provision, no. I cannot truly connect with a man who doesnt believe in God. I'm sorry.

So, that's that.

Jacinthe:


Wasn't interested enough to ask you how you know or dont know, to start with.

So yes, where were we?
.........

If a man who doesnt go to church asks me on a date, I will ask him something back: "If a fish and a bird fell in love, where would they live?". If he can't give me a good answer, I wont start what I cant finish. The thing is, I go to church. I dont want a man who doesnt go to church to promise me that I can continue when we get married, only for him to change and start giving me problems tomorrow. I have seen similar cases of this. Or for him to say tomorrow, that my children cannot go to church. And at the end of the day, I want to be going to church with my spouse. He should go and look for a woman who doesnt go to church too.

If he can provide for me excellently well, but doesnt believe in God due to some circumstances he has faced, I would empathize with him. But say yes to him because of pity or excellent provision, no. I cannot truly connect with a man who doesnt believe in God. I'm sorry.

So, that's that.

what if the man will love You,be honest with You,wouldn't cheat on you and sacrifice for you and make you happy because he thinks he is funny?
You see ma'am don't judge people much from a pedestal because a lot of people passed through he'll to be accepted by societal standards.
Along the line,they cried for God's help but it was no where to be found!now would you blame that Sought of man for not believing in him or a supreme entity that cares for the welfare of his creation?
Some were rejected,castigated,insulted but somehow,they managed to succeed beyond people's expectations.
What if the man would sacrifice to go with you to church on Sundays just so you don't feel lonely or can't pose with your man in church but does not believe in the whole God concept but is a very,cool,kind and loving man who could sacrifice anything to make his woman happy?

Logobenz2:
what if the man will love You,be honest with You,wouldn't cheat on you and sacrifice for you and make you happy because he thinks he is funny?
You see ma'am don't judge people much from a pedestal because a lot of people passed through he'll to be accepted by societal standards.
Along the line,they cried for God's help but it was no where to be found!now would you blame that Sought of man for not believing in him or a supreme entity that cares for the welfare of his creation?
Some were rejected,castigated,insulted but somehow,they managed to succeed beyond people's expectations.
What if the man would sacrifice to go with you to church on Sundays just so you don't feel lonely or can't pose with your man in church but does not believe in the whole God concept but is a very,cool,kind and loving man who could sacrifice anything to make his woman happy?

I'm not judging atheists. I dont blame them for anything. As condescending as this may sound, I actually feel sorry for them. But I dont have to marry one to show I am non-judgmental.

They should go for their kind, and I mine.

Being kind, cool and all isnt antithetical with being godly or the belief in God, so I dont have to trap myself in an half-bread phenomenon.

I think we are actually derailing this thread, and may chop ban if we go further

Jacinthe:


I'm not judging atheists. I dont blame them for anything. As condescending as this may sound, I actually feel sorry for them. But I dont have to marry one to show I am non-judgmental.

They should go for their kind, and I mine.

Being kind, cool and all isnt antithetical with being godly or the belief in God, so I dont have to trap myself in an half-bread phenomenon.

I think we are actually derailing this thread, and may chop ban if we go further

yes we are.i thoughr of it too.
ok so can we proceed to a place where no one can ban us?say mails or WhatsApp maybe?
I like your logic and will like to learn more.
Shall we?

Very nice from you two

Family background is very important in choice of spouse. If you marry someone with a good background, it reduces stress and friction in marriage.

If you marry someone with bad background, be ready for frictions.

logobenz2, I don't mind going to a rant thread if you still want to banter

Jacinthe:
logobenz2, I don't mind going to a rant thread if you still want to banter

yeah Sure!we should

Londonboyrep:
100%. Bear in mind children always end up like their parents. Most times anyway. Have a marriage with someone from a broken home at your own peril.

Stop stigmatising people from broken homes. You don't get to choose where you're born. It's not their fault they found themselves in such an environment. One should be more concerned about whom they're getting married to, his ideologies about life generally. At least, getting to know what he represents will tell whether he'll end up taking his parent's path. This people are victims and the ones I know dread ending up as their parents. They make conscious effort to be good models their parents were not, while others end by being way worse than their parents.

Personally, I know what I want for a husband. His family background will not matter if he fits into what I term 'a perfect man' for me.

As in all things, a pragmatic approach is needed.

As much as I hate to admit this.. Life is not always black and white but multiple shades of gray, no pun intended.

Family background is important to a certain level, but not as weighty as the character, aspirations and common vision espoused by your probable significant other.



It has to seen in its context.
Determinants include possible interactions in the foreseeable future.

A lady who might move into the extended family home will need to identify worrying family traits as compared to one living a rather nuclear family existence in a foreign country.


The importance varies depending on levels of proximity and possible influence, is all I'm saying....moreso in the 1st few years of a young union.



.

Jacinthe:


Wasn't interested enough to ask you how you know or dont know, to start with.

So yes, where were we?
.........

If a man who doesnt go to church asks me on a date, I will ask him something back: "If a fish and a bird fell in love, where would they live?". If he can't give me a good answer, I wont start what I cant finish. The thing is, I go to church. I dont want a man who doesnt go to church to promise me that I can continue when we get married, only for him to change and start giving me problems tomorrow. I have seen similar cases of this. Or for him to say tomorrow, that my children cannot go to church. And at the end of the day, I want to be going to church with my spouse. He should go and look for a woman who doesnt go to church too.

If he can provide for me excellently well, but doesnt believe in God due to some circumstances he has faced, I would empathize with him. But say yes to him because of pity or excellent provision, no. I cannot truly connect with a man who doesnt believe in God. I'm sorry.

So, that's that.

so because the man doesn't go to church it's a NO for relationship with him,
na wa o

A man dat is lovely and kind is from d heart irrespective of being a church goer or nt,

larryking540:


so because the man doesn't go to church it's a NO for relationship with him,
na wa o

A man dat is lovely and kind is from d heart irrespective of being a church goer or nt,

Yes.

Being kind and lovely is character. But good character doesn't equal compatibility. I want both.

Jacinthe:


Yes.

Being kind and lovely is character. But good character doesn't equal compatibility. I want both.

and u shall have it in Jesus name,
relationship is a complicated stuff, having similar believe makes it less problematic sha, to b on a safer side

larryking540:


and u shall have it in Jesus name,
relationship is a complicated stuff, having similar believe makes it less problematic sha, to b on a safer side

Now you are understanding the whole drift.
Shared beliefs and values are very critical to a less complicated marriage.
Imagine going to marry someone your beliefs and values are divergent to each other.
That's suicide. And that's where background comes in.

One of the major reasons why today's marriages are laden with crisis is as a result of marrying someone you never meant to be in relationship talk less marriage.

GrabHisBalls:
Stop stigmatising people from broken homes. You don't get to choose where you're born. It's not their fault they found themselves in such an environment. One should be more concerned about whom they're getting married to, his ideologies about life generally. At least, getting to know what he represents will tell whether he'll end up taking his parent's path. This people are victims and the ones I know dread ending up as their parents. They make conscious effort to be good models their parents were not, while others end by being way worse than their parents.

Personally, I know what I want for a husband. His family background will not matter if he fits into what I term 'a perfect man' for me.

Sorry but that's the way of the world i.e people suffer for things that they had no choice in. Its there and readily available statistics people who come from broken homes go on to have broken homes of theirs as well. I didn't make up these statistics it's there, google it yourself. And in my experience this is so true - if their parents didn't value their marriage and gave up without fighting then chances are the children of that marriage will do the same. There is, of course, the odd exception as with everything in this world. I have a child with someone from a broken home and yes, you guessed right, we are not together because she ended up a pathetic cheat just like her mum. By Broken home I mean single parent home i.e if even if you live with a natural parent and step-parent then in my view that is not a broken home. I have a child in a broken home and by God this bothers me a lot. This is my view and no need for insults.

Londonboyrep:


Sorry but that's the way of the world i.e people suffer for things that they had no choice in. Its there and readily available statistics people who come from broken homes go on to have broken homes of theirs as well. I didn't make up these statistics it's there, google it yourself. And in my experience this is so true -[b] if their parents didn't value their marriage and gave up without fighting then chances are the children of that marriage will do the same. [/b]There is, of course, the odd exception as with everything in this world. I have a child with someone from a broken home and yes, you guessed right, we are not together because she ended up a pathetic cheat just like her mum. By Broken home I mean single parent home i.e if even if you live with a natural parent and step-parent then in my view that is not a broken home. I have a child in a broken home and by God this bothers me a lot. This is my view and no need for insults.

Very true. Going to marry someone there parents couldn't stay in marriage can be very dicey. There are high chances your marriage won't last. But people ignore this on the name of love and end up with regrets

GrabHisBalls:
Stop stigmatising people from broken homes. You don't get to choose where you're born. It's not their fault they found themselves in such an environment. One should be more concerned about whom they're getting married to, his ideologies about life generally. At least, getting to know what he represents will tell whether he'll end up taking his parent's path. This people are victims and the ones I know dread ending up as their parents. They make conscious effort to be good models their parents were not, while others end by being way worse than their parents.

Personally, I know what I want for a husband. His family background will not matter if he fits into what I term 'a perfect man' for me.

The best you can do for yourself when it comes to marriage is to choose wisely based on available datas and information.

Don't go the blind root of "I'm in love" and ignore danger signs.

Good points here, different views, eye opening thread, lovely posts.

djon78:


Now you are understanding the whole drift.
Shared beliefs and values are very critical to a less complicated marriage.
Imagine going to marry someone your beliefs and values are divergent to each other.
That's suicide. And that's where background comes in.

One of the major reasons why today's marriages are laden with crisis is as a result of marrying someone you never meant to be in relationship talk less marriage.

yeah dats really true

What an unfair world.

Let me try and put the record straight.

Please show love and care to everyone you meet because you don't know what they've been through or what they've experienced. We don't usually get to choose what life dishes out to us.

Nobody got the chance to choose what kind of family he'd be born into, or what kind of parents he'd have. What matters is who a person is and what he makes of him/her self

Don't judge and write people off because of circumstances that was not their fault. Diamond can still be found in the rough. Trust me, that's the best place to even find diamonds.

It is the person you'll live with and start a new family with, not his entire family.

Coming from a good family is never a guarantee that one would make a good marriage mate. If anything, such persons are usually selfish, entitled, feeling like everyone and life owes them everything. They are always about 'what I want, what I want', and never about what they can offer. (like most of the comments above)

It matters a lot.
Especially from the spiritual point of view.
Like Generational madness, bareness, infidelity, untimely deaths,lies and deceit etc

Londonboyrep:
100%. Bear in mind children always end up like their parents. Most times anyway. Have a marriage with someone from a broken home at your own peril.

not always true

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree"

know who you tie the knot with or else


As for me , i can't tie the knot with someone from a broken or polygamous home...

I fear those girls from broken home , especially if they stay with their mom what their mom do plant in them ehn. speaking from experience , as for me is a no no tho not all off them are bad but as for me i can't marry them....

Jacinthe:
logobenz2, I don't mind going to a rant thread if you still want to banter

Send us pre-wedding photos soon

Cc Logobenz2

Londonboyrep:
100%. Bear in mind children always end up like their parents. Most times anyway. Have a marriage with someone from a broken home at your own peril.

that's a lie. Most children are inspired by their parents weakness. You see children of the poor striving hard to break the chain of poverty. My late dad always told us that he grew up seeing his father maltreating his mom and he vowed never to raise his hands on our mother and he never did, they were married for more than 35 yrs before he died.