indigene:
How much is this dowry?.That Nairalanders can't have their lunch in peace.

midnighter:
Your father's side must collect something on your head but you can stylishly show your disdain for them in other ways without showing yourself up to your husband and his family.

But he or one of your paternal uncles must collect it. Any other thing is just storing embarrassment and insults for the future. And your MIL is watching the whole thing, sorry to bring her into it but it's true. The whole thing is a test, as in a very big one.

Don't allow your maternal family to use
You to settle scores. Your uncle has no right to collect what belongs to your father, it is an abomination and a curse. I have seen a similar case to yours...the man tried to bypass his father and ask his maternal uncle to accompany him to marry but that uncle refused and told him to go back to the father. Father who abandoned him when he was a baby!

Your uncle should know better than to collect somebody's due. If he really cared for you all these years then he shouldn't mess up at this late stage. Your husband doesn't need to be seeing or hearing that kind of suggestion.

This is not about whether he "deserves" the bride price or not. As far as he sired you and paid your mothers bride price, it is his right to collect your own.

As for the village, sorry but you have to go there and perform the rites. Even me my village looks like something from the stone age, still the two of us must go home. It's ancestral land and has some ancient meanings attached to it that are very important. At least you are a lady, you are only going there to say goodbye to them since your husband has come to take you away.

If you want you can make the village part as short as possible so you won't need to stay for long.

Sorry about your mum. May she witness your special day from the heavens.

sassysure:
Don't start what u can't finish. Ur future husband is looking at you. Today is lovey dovey, there must be arguments and heated up moments, some words will start tumbling out from your spouse or his people's mouth. Don't create such an avenue pls.

Though we may retract and apologise, those words means a lot and that is how seed of discord is sown.

Unless some tribes do so, I have never seen where pride price is collected by mum's people even though they singlehandedly trained you.
Give to everybody what belongs to them even though u don't like them to avoid stories that touch. At least u are in good terms with him and sometimes give him money so what's the problem here? Ur uncle didn't advice you well.
He is indeed a very selfish one and has failed to tell you the truth which is, he is not the right one to collect your dowry.
He too has entitlement mentality. Thousands and millions have been trained by uncles and aunts or even strangers yet, the world did not end.
U can do it outside the village but make sure your father and his people are there. Sorry but that's how it is.

If your father is dead, his brothers and relatives will take over on behalf of your brothers if they are not adults yet. Don't ever give your future in-laws room for attack as nobody knows tomorrow.
Congrats as u journey into another chapter of your life.

Born2Breed:
You mentioned two important things here.

Walking down the aisle and bride price collection.

Your maternal uncle can walk you down the aisle.

The bride price is for your father cum paternal family.(bride price and list is not much in Edo state,i guess you are owan or etsako or igarra?)

Also,marriage can take place anywhere,bring your father and few relatives(1or 2) to your location to perform the necessary rites then go back home.

In all these, you must plead with your maternal uncle to please allow your biological father collect his bride price and go. I always advice my fellow ladies not to offend any side of the family when getting married.

AwkaetitiBabe:
It's not about how much but the significance.

ddaammyy:
but sister, what happened to your siggy? “If you obey the rules, you miss the fun”?

Gurumaharaji:
Regina Daniels father doesn't even know she get married.... so ur responsible Uncle dat train u can conveniently act as ur father during d occasion

Midas01:
You're very stupid for calling a good man selfish. You seem like you yourself are a deadbeat that is why you had no ill words for the actual loser of a father but chose to call her kind-hearted uncle names.

Have you trained anyone through school before? Have you every borne someone's responsibilities, and that of their siblings as well?

If you have not then shut up your mouth and go play in any nearby gutter. Do you think the uncle didn't have anything to spend money on before he chose to care for them like his own children? Nonsense!!!

Let me tell you something OP, your uncle deserves your bride price.
Tradition was made by patriarchal men. As long as it is not a sin then let your uncle take your bride price.

bujebudanu1:
With what have seen. Just like your case

My cousins did their traditionals in Lagos.mum and dad and not lagosian and they are separated, but they grew up in lagos. Where u do doesn't matter shit.

Anybody can walk you down the aisle.take a case of if your have a late dad.
You will go the aisle with your younger,elder brother, uncle , anybody u like in your family

MPESA:

You said it all , people are watching the whole drama , las las they will use it against her in the future. I pity her brothers that ran away from their own home... For how long will they run/distance themselves from there own home.

BlackCrainte:
No

Your pastor or Ex boyfriend can receive it too

djon78:
your father is strictly the avenue through which you came into this world. Irrespective of whatever he did, give him that honour. You won't understand, these things are laws in the spirit.
Don't listen to wrong advice

I remember American preacher Joyce Meyer was molested sexually by her Dad for years as a young woman.
When she became successful in later years God instructed her to buy a very good house for her Dad. It was tough, but she obeyed and it brought wholeness, freedom and more success for her.
Our parents that brought us into this world may have done badly to us but we still owe them honour.

One of the ten commandments goes like this honour your father and mother, that it may be well with you, that your days may be long on the earth. Long life is associated with honouring our father and mother.

Deepthoughts:
look if your father should revealed the secret reason why he never cared your mother n inevitably you n your siblings you will hate life,I dare you to challenge your father to reveal why he didn't care about your mum if he wants your respect at all!,see don't just try to fight tradition, know what you are getting into but I'm afraid you are playing with fire.

Redoil:
see eh Urhobos men believes that mother are to train children while the father does what he likes with his life. that is why most of them marry up to 5 wives and still have lot of girlfriends with out taking care of their children.

to me who ever takes care of a child up to a marriageable age is entitle to collect the bride price

sassysure:
Don't start what u can't finish. Ur future husband is looking at you. Today is lovey dovey, there must be arguments and heated up moments, some words will start tumbling out from your spouse or his people's mouth. Don't create such an avenue pls.

Though we may retract and apologise, those words means a lot and that is how seed of discord is sown.

Unless some tribes do so, I have never seen where pride price is collected by mum's people even though they singlehandedly trained you.
Give to everybody what belongs to them even though u don't like them to avoid stories that touch. At least u are in good terms with him and sometimes give him money so what's the problem here? Ur uncle didn't advice you well.
He is indeed a very selfish one and has failed to tell you the truth which is, he is not the right one to collect your dowry.
He too has entitlement mentality. Thousands and millions have been trained by uncles and aunts or even strangers yet, the world did not end.
U can do it outside the village but make sure your father and his people are there. Sorry but that's how it is.

If your father is dead, his brothers and relatives will take over on behalf of your brothers if they are not adults yet. Don't ever give your future in-laws room for attack as nobody knows tomorrow.
Congrats as u journey into another chapter of your life.
If you have been in d uncle's shoe...
You won't be saying he's selfish...
Na people like u dey become that kain papa...
Brideprice my foot...

QuintessentialW:
Hello house, good morning.

I have a real concern and I want to know what is permissible from mature and discerning individuals in the house.

Myself and my siblings were raised (from when I was about 8 years old) single handedly by my mum. Even all the 7 years that my father lived with us, my mum chiefly ran the home... she was the one who paid rent and school fees and ensured quality feeding. Father was gainfully employed at the time, but he just lacked a sense of responsibility for family. He finally absconded at about the time I was 8 because he lost his job, and never looked back... he was never involved in our finances or welfare. In all those years, he visited a few times, but that was all. My mum passed on a few years ago and her brother, my uncle, assumed FULL responsibility for my siblings and I. My paternal uncles never lent a helping hand.

Now I'm in my 20s, done with schooling, working currently, and would be getting married soon. I want to know what is permissible. I'm from a minority tribe in Edo State, so I'm not Bini or Esan. My maternal family are Okpe (Urhobos). Left to me, I don't want my father collecting my bride price or walking me down the aisle. He now lives in squalor in the village. I don't want to go to the village to do my traditional wedding if I can help it.

Two years ago when I first had plans of getting married, my maternal uncle who's responsible for us had mentioned that I shouldn't take any man to my dad. My maternal family is angry with him, for what he did to my mum and us. I would love to respect my Uncle's wishes because I feel he has a say, and to show my appreciation for all he's done.

Has it ever happened that a girl's maternal family receives her bride price? Is it a taboo? If that's against tradition, is it possible to choose another location other than the village, where my dad and his kinsmen can perform the traditional rites?

Also, on my church wedding day, can my Uncle walk me down the aisle?

N:B I don't hold any grudges against father. I've been the only one amongst all my siblings who's tried to keep in touch with him. I was the one who personally went to seek him out to know where he lives... and to know my village. Whenever I can afford to, I send him money.

Still, I don't feel he deserves to give my hand in marriage. He's never been a dad, in the true sense of the word. Something happened not so long ago, and he was threatening to curse my brothers... for not looking after him. He acts really entitled.

Candid advice, please. Thank you.

indigene:

There are two types of marriage that is legally acceptable by God and Man, in one type bride price or dowry is totally insignificant

Nowenuse:
The day we Africans start to disregard useless and unprofitable traditions, they will die naturally.
Useless traditions that have taken us nowhere and left us at the bottom of the food chain in the world.

Tundeiknow:


Whoever receives the bride price doesn’t translate to the fact that they are significant importance to you.

Your dad remains your dad irrespective of whatever. Pls, give him that honor during this preparation phase.
Though they’ve been helpful, pls don’t let your maternal relatives use your marriage as a ground to settle scores with your dad. The only instruction we were given concerning our parents in the Bible is that we honor them. That without rational or emotional affiliation.
At the moment, your dad may be wishing he had done better while you were growing up. Pls, don’t compound his regrets.
And if need be that you take a stand irrespective of what anyone thinks, don’t shy away.
I pray God grants you wisdom on how best to handle both sides of the family.
I wish you the best.

Shalom

QuintessentialW:


We've had that conversation severally. He's never had anything reasonable to say, in all honesty. His excuses have always been centred on claims that he went in search of greener pastures after he lost his job.

See ehn... we can't even go into all that now.

amp01:


I have been to your village once,
If anybody take your bride price outside your father, when he is alive,its an act of disrespect. No matter,what your father did, he is still your father. Did you change your surname all this while,he left you guys?

QuintessentialW:


Yes, I think about that commandment oftentimes. But in all fairness, I've been really good to him inspite of everything. I've been the peacemaker trying to get my siblings to forgive him.

But for that marriage part, for some reasons, I just don't want to go to the village... nor do I want him walking me down the aisle.

I'll really consider born2breed's advice.


.

Myself and my siblings were raised (from when I was about 8 years old) single handedly by my mum. Even all the 7 years that my father lived with us, my mum chiefly ran the home... she was the one who paid rent and school fees and ensured quality feeding.

Redoil:
see eh Urhobos men believes that mother are to train children while the father does what he likes with his life. that is why most of them marry up to 5 wives and still have lot of girlfriends with out taking care of their children.

to me who ever takes care of a child up to a marriageable age is entitle to collect the bride price

midnighter:


As in, that stuff can be very embarrassing if not taken care of from the beginning. At least you package your family even though all is not well so that you will have a respect somewhere.

Yes the brothers own is more complicated, especially where land is concerned. I'm not saying its easy, we know the father is bad but for your own sake you can try to manage something.