PUNCH NEWSPAPER TUESDAY 3OTH NOVEMBER 2010
Why Nigerians in America come home to marry
By Sabella Ogbobode Abidde
Tuesday, 30 Nov 2010

The United States Embassy has data indicating the number of Nigerians who come to join their spouses in the US every year. In this instance, no attempt was made to collect such data. However, several trends were deduced from several exchanges that took place with friends and friends-of-friends and acquaintances in several enclaves in the US. Some of the patterns that emerged include the fact that no fewer than 310 folks embark on this voyage – of which eighty per cent are women. Of this, about two-thirds are Christians with post-secondary education; and two-thirds are between the ages of 25 and 37. Of the base number, eighty-five per cent are from the southern region, with eighty-seven per cent appearing to come from financially-disadvantaged homes.


What is true of the US also seems to be true of Canada, the United Kingdom and various European Union nations. What’s more, the percentages of Nigerians who go overseas to join their spouses, fiances and fiancees have increased twenty-five per cent in the last two decades. It is instructive to note that the immigration process can be trying and costly. Frankly, it is a process that demands a lot of resourcefulness, wits and perseverance. It is a process that, more often than not, results in rejection and depression. Even so, many and many more are willing to undertake this mentally and physically-draining exercise.


But why do Nigerians go though this tortuous immigration process? Why do Nigerian women, living in Nigeria, agree to marrying men they, in most cases, hardly know? And why do Nigerian men go home to marry instead of marrying the women they’ve romanced here in the US. After all, most of the women who are already in the US are well-educated, well-read and well-travelled; they are well mannered and have, in most cases, proved their trustworthiness. These are women of two worlds: they know Africa and also understand the Western society. But in spite of their advantages and pluses, the vast majority of these women are likely to lose their boyfriends to women back home.


In significant numbers, Nigerian men would rather go home to marry the “unknown and the greenhorn” rather than marry the proven and the reliable. Granted that a thousand men have a thousand reasons for going home to marry, there are common threads as to why they do what they do: one, because they can; two, most men are under the illusion that women back home are innocent, un-spoilt and virginal; three, it is an ego-boosting exercise; and four, it allows some men to mask their shortcomings since the women who are already in the US can tell where these men stand on the social and economic ladder. Additionally, some men want their women to look up to them since it makes them appear more than what and who they really are. Other men go home to marry because, as some have stated, “Nigerian girls in the US are rotten, too exposed, too independent and/or too aggressive.”


I am reminded of a friend in Washington who once told me that there was nothing he could teach his girlfriend in terms of romance and sex and everyday reality. Sex, for instance, was awe-inspiring and earthshaking. In the end though, he went home to marry a “village girl,” who pretended for a while before proving that “everything a Yankee can do, a Naija woman can also do.” Shortly thereafter, he also realised he was her one-way ticket out of the misery and poverty that have come to characterise Nigeria. In any case, the majority of such marriages start collapsing within 18 months. The American society has a way of Oprahlising girls from Bauchi, Timbuktu and Aba.


And, of course, there are the traditionalists, the purists: men who don’t mind dating and/or cohabitating with girls from other ethnic groups. But when it is time to start a family, they’d rather a girl from their own ethnic groups. In spite of modernity/westernisation, the majority of Nigerian men living in the US prefer women of the same ethnic group. Ethnicity, as it turns out, is a superseding factor when it comes to marriage.


When it is all said and done, the Nigerian male can be perplexing. His life is full of contradictions. In so many ways, he is a wounded animal as a result of his historical past. There was a time when he was the primary breadwinner, head of the household. He was the man who moved mountains. But that was a time long gone. He misses the past; he misses the era when most men were sheriffs. And frankly, the modern era has not been kind to men (particularly those who have refused to assimilate or acculturate). And even though the outside world is depriving him of his manhood, he has found a way to make parts of his world his playground. In this playground, he is the sole captain. Or so he thought! To make his thoughts a reality, he marries a greenhorn.


More often than not, most of these marriages are not based on love or affection. Most are not even like the marriages of yesteryear: a union between two families. On the part of the greenhorns, it is mostly about the need to escape the prevailing poverty and despair that have engulfed the country. Most of these women are seeking a way out of the misery that Nigeria has become. Therefore, when presented with the opportunity to hop, they pack and run! It should be noted here and now that it is not all the women who come to join their husbands fit this profile. A good number come for the right reasons.


In the end, most that came to join their husbands become disillusioned, disappointed and unhappy and are likely to seek divorce within three years. As for the men, well, some will plead with, cajole or trick their wives into going into the nursing profession. The nursing profession, they believe, is a sure avenue for making money and living the good life. Be it in Houston, Seattle, Dallas, Miami, New York and every where in between, African nurses abound. They are everywhere working mostly the night and graveyard shifts, toiling day and night and away from their husbands and children just to make ends meet. With no time to smell the roses or to wonder at the beauties that surround them, they become strangers in the world they live in.


In the end, a simple question becomes germane: if you find a woman you love and respect and can get along with, what is the point returning to the continent to find the inexperienced? If you already have a woman, here in the US, who makes your heart skip beats and you fancy her worldview, what’s the point in abandoning her? And after several years of putting up with your eccentricity, infantile behaviour and messy bedside manners, what’s the point dumping her for the greenhorn?


Abidde writes from Montgomery, Alabama, USA, vide Sabidde@yahoo.com

bro, Nigerian women abroad usualy Obey, have manners & will do u right ,

the ones based in Nigeria are usualy just tooo flagonicatelistick (no oofeinse)

To be honest, Nigerian women in the uk are much cheaper & better. They dont usualy charge much

hmmm. I dont subcribe to that bros

i've seen a lot nigerian, getting disgraced by their nigerian wifes. i mean the ones they go bring from home.
probably because its not love choosing hes wife but hes unlces, cousins, mother, father etc.
"Ugome my son, i've find a wife for u"
its normal that ones the lady get used to the american or europe system she'll get selfconfident and kick the guys ass. . .

( waiting to get insulted )

mamaken:

i've seen a lot nigerian, getting disgraced by their nigerian wifes. i mean the ones they go bring from home.
probably because its not love choosing hes wife but hes unlces, cousins, mother, father etc.
"Ugome my son, i've find a wife for u"
its normal that ones the lady get used to the american or europe system she'll get selfconfident and kick the guys backside. . .

( waiting to get insulted )

@ mamakenneth
good point dem plenty== na only wiv== for Glasgow my area a girl called police for her father, simply because the dad thought she can still use belt on her daughter the way he does in 9ja== Although, the family just came to Glasgow newly , the man was terribly fined in the county court== after telling the court that was the way to bring a child up in nigeria

OP,
Nice thread . . , I concour with u in almost every point and way . . . .No geniune reasons for going home to find your spouse than u have mentioned . , . . . .All the reasons are just too cheap for a sensible person to have in mind with means of control and making his or her life a better one.Though it happens sometimes that your chosen one back home serves your desire and gives you everything u ever dreamt of in life But not all the time!
Where you are used to,The people you are used  and the atmosphere you have already mingled up and unified with can never be compared and contrasted with strange ones!

k-money £:

@ mamakenneth
good point dem plenty== na only wiv== for Glasgow my area a girl called police for her father, simply because the dad thought she can still use belt on her daughter the way he does in 9ja== Although, the family just came to Glasgow newly , the man was terribly fined in the county court== after telling the court that was the way to bring a child up in nigeria

The man must be highly dreaming . . . .lol

My former Lead vocal made a mistake by bringing a girl from Nigeria to marry, IBO girl (Ngozi)

years after she got her papers, divorced him and took his house. but she waz kind enough to let him keep there 2 cats

D-sense:

The man must be highly dreaming . . . .lol

D-sense the man was high on TABA ooo== imagine he was still displaying that 9ja mentality=== he beat his daughter to the extent that the girl sustained some injury==Thank God for his 9ja lawyer that help him proved his case==If not for that jail straight.

^^ They for jail am small nau . . .lol . . .At least to get his mentality straight and accordinly!

D-sense:

^^ They for jail am small nau . . .lol . . .At least to get his mentality straight and accordinly!

That behaviour don become inborn in the man body==not knowing that at school is compulsory for all kids to know the distreess call numbers off hand, which is their first curriculum, The man was surprised after the judgement that he was left with no power to act as mike tyson in the house

Nigerians go home to marry Nigerian women because they can be controlled they don't like women who are independent

unfortunately they cant controll them for ling time,

as i said some time ago --> https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-514460.0.html

I am even thinking now maybe to marry from other nationalities.I don't see why you will leave a lady who has been with you for long and understands you and go home to pick a naija lady you hardly know.Guys should try other countries when thinking of marriage.

Ikedonn:

I am even thinking now maybe to marry from other nationalities.I don't see why you will leave a lady who has been with you for long and understands you and go home to pick a naija lady you hardly know.Guys should try other countries when thinking of marriage.

hmmmmmm

Ikedonn:

I am even thinking now maybe to marry from other nationalities.I don't see why you will leave a lady who has been with you for long and understands you and go home to pick a naija lady you hardly know.Guys should try other countries when thinking of marriage.

Good idea kwasa-kwasa babes can do better

@ mr .Money
Na so bro.Life is a teacher the more you live the more you learn.I am even coming to conclusion about this thought.

You this boy your initiation don complete ooo

^^^


Seriously its a problem

havin that mentality from 9ja to even here!

na so dem life be===but not all of them really

190:

^^

Not all

Generally speaking the Nigerian ladies ive met here

are even more friendly than the ones back home

The thieves here are them Zimbabwean and french abi na Kishaha/congo ladies

They are what we call Cheerful gives they can have 15BF's within 10miles of each other!!

Trust me,[color=#990000]A SA lady stole my money!![/color]

Still crying over . . . . .?

^you are obsessed with my 190
i thot i was to worry about di womens (no oofieeeense!)

MzDarkSkin:

^you are obsessed with my 190
i thot i was to worry about di womens (no oofieeeense!)

We made a vow to always shell, burst and shield eachother wherever we meet . . .He started it first . . .He's a sociopath betrayal!!!

lol@ d-sense!
i think u guys should stop tho.

MzDarkSkin:

lol@ d-sense!
i think u guys should stop tho.

Ohh No sweetie. . , U have to stop crying . . . .He's started the war and the aftermath ll continue dripping on his D1ck,He asked a donkey to swimm in River Nile and never knew it's consequential!! . . .Imma show this dummy a hell fire!!! . . .U can see him running away from me ,We were into it through out yesteraday but he's down today . . . . , . .Let me give him heartattack!!!

*sighs* ok