My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Some mothers don't know where to draw the line, it's rather unfortunate that it has come to this.

I feel for you bro, you don't want to hurt your mom's feelings by putting her in her place but you gotta find a way to do it. Let her allow your wife to run her home, too much interference is the major issue here.

But truly who owns the man, his wife or mother?

Not again.

Is it the same person behind all these threads, epistles and posts?

Last last, you go get high bp for their matter.

I totally understand you and I feel your pain of being caught in the middle by 2 women you love ,at this point you shouldn’t tell your wife anything rather than setting up a family meeting between your in-laws and your mom if its possible to include any other family members of yours ,then raise the issue while they are present and please while they are all sitted, make sure you pin points their errors to each of them {your mom and your wife } am certain with the intervention of both families ,things will work out and well settled ,this matter pass wetin only you fit handle from the look of things and only your wife’s family are the only option left to talk to at this point ... ,I feel for you bro ....

It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

op your number one offence is, the write up is too long: I guess you are too soft, your mother remains yours mother, if she really love you she will take your parents as her parents, one day she will be mother in-law too then she will understand better. If she can't tolerate your family then she shouldn't expect you to respect her family too. God what has happen to family union?

Mother-in-law & Daughter-in-law drama again, what else is new?

Oga, you should have recused yourself from all this their wahala from the beginning, but it's too late for that now I guess. You have already positioned yourself as the pacifier, so undoubtedly, they will continue looking to you to pacify.

Your mother is ready to make peace but it seems your wife has another agenda. My suggestion is that you focus on your wife and get her to open up herself to a path of peace between her and your mother. For how long will she keep up with that nasty attitude?

The marriage is too young for her to be saying insensitive things like she is done with your mother..that's a very callous thing to say.
Talk to your wife.

One thing I never do is try to settle issues between women, I no fit. But since you have started, then finish it.
Talk to your wife, she's the one who will need to make compromises at this point.

This thing long no be small..

From your write up,u are tolerating ur wife disrespect to your mother with all this flimsy excuses of yours.

Thank God she has a son.
In 27 - 30 years time, your son's wife will also disrespect her the way she's currently doing to your mother.

pocohantas:
Last last, you go get high bp for their matter.

Is that meant to be dodo or what

Rich in content and context. Also clear. Good job poster
I truly don’t like your wife, not even at all
I tried to see something about her in your post to like, but I got nothing
From your post I gather that you may be rather too wimpy (I hope I am wrong because it is such a turn off ).
My advice is, do not sacrifice your mother at the “altar” that is your wife
Cheers, and good luck

Wisdom is profitable to direct.
Prayerfully trust God to help u settle d issues.
Talk to ur wife to let go of issues cos someday she would also be 'mother_inlaw' and certainly won't like to be treated anyhow.

Ur wife should focus more on important things and she'll realize everything around her is changing 4 good.

Ur lovely mum will understand gradually as you guys grow.
It's well bro. Cheers

That the issue has deteriorated to this level is your fault. You have failed to take a firm stand against your wife. Acting the jeje guy! Your indecisiveness will ruin everything! How can your wife hate your mother and often openly disagrees with her?

Guy step up your firm game

Your write up is so long but I read everything

Your wife is the one with problem here. She's a bad woman and tell her her own daughter in law will treat her x100 of how she's treating your mum

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

Men the thing tire me. The wife has no reason to disrespect his mother. It's an aberration.
The op allowed it from the beginning, he should have called his wife to order.
Imagine the issue on the wedding.
It's her sons wedding, she has a right for her guests to be on the list.

This issue always arises in today's marriages, but a man is meant to draw line in the sand right from beginning.
It should have been :
Wife never insult, quarell my mom, then mum don't make trouble with my wife, respect her for me. You protect your wife but on no account should she disrespect your mom, then when your mom falls out of line, deal with it not your wife openly showing disdain for your mom.

Shebi you guys have a son now, when the time comes, your sons wife will repay back her attitude. Karma doesn't make mistakes at all

I suspect this is an oyinbo couple’s story. Only in the abroad do wedding lists work.

Your wife is at fault here in my own opinion. She is not taking your mother as her own mother. The only way there will be peace between them is your wife to tolerate your mother and willingly take your mother as her mother.

why is the that most times mother inlaws and daughter in-laws are not always in good terms?..Olagbara o

Sentiment and the wedding list exclusion incident aside, your wife has better character than your mother - yet, she (your wife) can do better. Among other things, I understand your mother's longing for oneness among y'all but she ought to understand that it isn't rational and obtainable, more so with her kind of character.

Yes, you've an egoistic woman as a wife, even though she may not necessarily have been meting out self-interest attitude towards you for an obvious reason, but she's innately. Meanwhile, you also have an egoist woman who's equally conceited and/or domineering as a mother - a typical hypocritical disingenuous person; the worst kind of subjugator. So, the reason why both of them can't effectively relate well isn't far-fetched - big distance between them is very necessary always, while your wife embraces diplomacy in relating with her from the distance because courtesy demands so.

On your part, you've to embrace conscientiousness in relating with both of them in order to regain and maintain your sanity, while anchoring unity - oneness among all which your mother longs for isn't achievable, unity is achievable. She ought to know better. Focus on anchoring and fostering unity among all, while solely pursuing oneness with your wife (if she worth it), because it's the normal thing to do in the situation. This approach may permanently deprive you admiration, but without depriving you respect, from either or both sides and it isn't a bad thing - only the fair-minded will accord you both your earned respect with admiration in this instance, overtly or covertly. In the absence admiration with respect, It's better to be feared than to be admired.

You write so well, I was enjoying the write up and at some point actually forgot it was a dilemma.

As much as I'm all for when you get married you new family is now your priority, I also believe in finding the balance between both so no one feels left out or hard done by.

Your mum might have abandonment issues hence the clinginess and desire to participate in most of what you do. But since she's willing to give it a new try your wife needs to relax. If put in that situation I'd call a meeting and let them know they're both the most important women in my life and they need to show each other respect (especially the wife, she's moving mad still).
Maybe get them to agree to a compromise where your mum visits but only once or twice in a month and your wife needs to respect her as the mother of her husband.



Having said that, I hope you guys work this through and emerge as one happy family. I love my mum and can't imagine my wife having issues with her, that'd break my heart cant lie.

I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it.


Mistake of the century.. Your mom and your wife had issues and you chose your wife side, are you okay?.. Cant you be neutral!!

Your wife clearly dislikes your mother and has grown to be very comfortable with saying all what nots about her because you allow it. Mama, on the other hand wants to be in your lives because you guys are all she's got. She wants to love and be loved. She's is trying to get involved and she is desperately doing so.

Someone once said there is no mother-in-law anywhere, that regular mother-in-law issues won't happen if only people see their supposed 'demonic' mother-in-law as their biological mum.

Unfortunately, you, E685 have failed to better manage the situation. Your first gaffe is the fact that you took a side when you should have stayed neutral and strategically blamed both parties one-on-one, far away from each other.

The fact that Mama is making attempts at resolution while your wife is hell bent on shutting her window totally tells a lot about your wife's person. She is selfish, egoistic and stubborn. For a start, having a heart-to-heart with her and probile why she resents Mama so much. Does she reacts towards her own mother the way she reacts towards yours, particularly when differing opinions are put forward?

Mama has her own small, small wàhálà but bulk of the entire problem is from your wife.

The reason why your wife is able to do this to your mum is because you didn't take a stand from the beginning, the way you treat your mum is the she will be treated by others

"A man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife"

Your mother needs a husband, she wants one. Loneliness seems to be her main problem, try to matchmake her with someone responsible so that you can be free to enjoy your marriage in peace

The person I blame here is you.
You are a weakling.

You should have corrected this the first time.
Anyways, karma is......

Continue to mediate between them. One day your wife will see reason. All women are manipulative not only your mother. Even my little daughter is. Good luck

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

Thanks for this.

I'm trying to understand what's wrong with mama adding to her son's guest list, the truth is, his wife never loved her mother-in-law right from day one, to think the old woman is even trying to make peace shows she isn't an evil person like the OP's wife wants us to believe.

I wonder if OP's wife will be happy if he treats her parents same way.

Mizwisdom:
[s] "A man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife" [/s]

Your mother needs a husband, she wants one. Loneliness seems to be her main problem, try to matchmake her with someone responsible so that you can be free to enjoy your marriage in peace

A man must leave his mother and father doesn't mean he shouldn't have a relationship with his mom all because he is married. One can see from the write up that OP's wife never wanted Mama around, more like those ladies who for no reason hate mother-in-laws.

Thank God you are a woman, your son's wife will treat you same way, by then, I hope you remember this line you just quoted.

Your wife is crazy. The tables will be turned in the future very soon.
Does she want your mom dead. Why won't your mom add her own guests? Is it not a Nigerian wedding thingy anymore?

You are speaking long grammar while she disrespect s your mom. FU... CK HER


Your mom on the other hand should ignore her if I was her and stop visiting every damn weekend. At most twice a yr except an event or emergency.

Both of you will beg before you hear from me or see my legs in your house.

Nonsense and it's ingredients!

You guys can't possibly be in Nigeria!

Firstly, you wife needs to take a chill pill. Talk to her in front of her own mother and let her feel through her eyes how it feels to be hated by one's own child's spouse. Put things in perspectives for her and remind her of her days of mother in-lawhood coming too. After all, she has a son.

Meanwhile, you mother needs to get a grip of herself! You are married now and living your own life. Talk really well and stand up to her....infact, threaten to move far away if she doesn't amend her ways. She can't be visiting every weekend! She cannot be included in everything! She cant be insulting your wife! She should mind herself really well so she doesn't break your family and lose you guys. Hian!