Ozay Tulku Rinpoche ▶

You will NEVER be able to control other peoples thoughts and what comes from their mouths, and likewise, you will NEVER be able to control if they come from COMPASSION or if they come from a VENGEFUL heart.
If you think for any moment you have that power then you will be thoroughly mistaken and you will either be beating your own head up against a brick wall or you will be trying to get a dead horse on its feet in many situations.
The only time that will be different is if you have some kind of control over that person and if you do you will only stop what comes out of the mouth, but you will not stop what comes from the vengeful heart or the vengeful mind.
Personally, I think it is better not to control people this way, if they have shit in their minds then they should be allowed to express it because when such vengefulness is repressed then sooner or later it will come out in other ways and nobody will know why.
What you do have control over, or should I say what you can win control over is your own mind and your own thoughts, but not that many people have that ability because many people expect everyone else to have that ability so we are dealing with your own lack of self-control if you do not have any so it is better that you work on yourself.
Therefore it is better to learn to control how you deal with those situations and people and use it as your spiritual practice.
Remember what your parents and teachers taught you?
"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt you".
That saying should be as relevant now as it was when you were younger.
If you find that words are hurting you, do not think the fault is in the other person only the greater fault is in you because you have allowed yourself to be this way, to be a ball in the wind, if what others say hurts you then you should go inside yourself and understand what and why it hurts you, you should analyse it until you come to the point where you see it for what it is and it is no longer personal it is not who you are it is incorrect that gives you understanding then you can let it go.
From this, you will develop true compassion towards others because you will have understood why it originally hurt you you will have understood the way to undo it with the truth that you know you are.
The compassion from what is deep-seated within you will arise because of one; you know it did hurt, and; two you will understand the suffering that the person who wants to hurt you who wants to be toxic toward you is going through.
You are now seated in a position where you are no longer a ball in the wind where no one can control how you feel because you know the truth you are not this person's thoughts you are beyond that and free from that you can only set yourself free from this kind of slavery if you do the work on yourself.
Do not run away from such people, as I said in the original post, OBSERVE YOURSELF look inwards keep one eye in and one eye out and UNDERSTAND why ACCEPT, LET GO.
We are not here to stagnate but to use every situation to grow, you can run away from these people all your life and carry on blaming them for your hurt feelings, but you will NEVER be able to run away from yourself.
But if you are happy that way then that is your choice, it was never my choice to be a ball in the wind and I would hope that this is not the choice of other people.


https://www.desisoch.com/

It's just to unfollow him family wise... Pinned.

1. Infallible parents
Such parents perceive child disobedience, the slightest manifestations of individuality as an attack on themselves, and therefore are protected. They insult and humiliate the child, destroy its self-esteem, hiding behind the good purpose of “temper the character.”
How does the impact
Usually, the children of infallible parents consider them perfect. They include psychological protection.
Negation. The child comes up with another reality in which parents love him. The denial gives temporary relief, which is costly: sooner or later it results in an emotional crisis.
Example: “In fact, my mother does not offend me, but does better: opens her eyes to the unpleasant truth.”
Desperate hope. Children cling to the myth of perfect parents and blame themselves for all their misfortunes.
Example: “I am not worthy of a good relationship, mom and dad want me well, but I do not appreciate it.”
Rationalization. This is a search for compelling reasons that explain what is happening to make it less painful for the child.
Example: “My father did not beat me to harm me, but to teach me a lesson.”
What to do
To realize that your guilt is that parents are constantly turning to insults and humiliation, no. Therefore, it makes no sense to try to prove something too toxic parents.
A good way to understand the situation is to look at what happened through the eyes of an outsider. This will make it clear that parents are not so infallible, and to rethink their actions.

Inadequate parents
Determining the toxicity and inadequacy of parents who do not beat and do not abuse the child is more difficult. Indeed, in this case, harm is caused not by action, but by inaction. Often, such parents themselves behave like powerless and irresponsible children. They make a child grow up faster and meet their needs.
How does the impact
The child becomes a parent for himself, younger brothers and sisters, his own mother or father. He loses his childhood.
Example: “How can you ask for a walk, when your mother does not have time to wash and cook dinner?”
Victims of toxic parents experience feelings of guilt and despair when they cannot do something for the good of the family.
Example: “I can’t put my younger sister to bed, she cries all the time. I’m a bad son. ”
Emotions can disappear in a child due to the lack of emotional support from parents. As an adult, he experiences problems with self-identification: who he is, what he wants from life and love relationships.
Example: “I entered a university, but it seems to me that this is not a specialty that I like. I don’t know whom I want to be. ”
What to do
Home affairs should not take more time from a child than study, games, walks, chat with friends. Proving it to toxic parents is difficult, but possible. Handle with the facts: “I will study badly if cleaning and cooking will be only on me”, “The doctor advised me to spend more time in the fresh air and play sports.

3. Supervising parents
Excessive control may look like caution, prudence, care. But toxic parents in this case only care about themselves. They are afraid of becoming unnecessary, and therefore they make it so that the child depends on them as much as possible, feeling helpless.
Favorite phrases of toxic controlling parents:
“I do it exclusively for you and your benefit.”
“I did it because I love you very much.”
“Do it, or I won’t talk to you anymore.”
“If you do not do this, I will have a heart attack.”
“If you don’t, you’ll stop being a member of our family.”
All this means one thing: “I do it because the fear of losing you is so great that I am ready to make you unhappy.”
Parents-manipulators, who prefer hidden control, achieve their goal, not by direct requests and orders, but surreptitiously, forming a feeling of guilt. They provide “disinterested” help, which creates a sense of duty in the child.
How does the impact
Children controlled by toxic parents become overly anxious. They have no desire to be active, to explore the world, to overcome difficulties.
Example: “I am very afraid to travel by car because my mother always claimed that it was very dangerous.”
If a child tries to argue with his parents, disobey them, it threatens him with a sense of guilt, of his own betrayal.
Example: “I stayed overnight with a friend without permission, the next morning my mother came down with a sore heart. I will never forgive myself if something happens to her. ”
Some parents love to compare children with each other, to create an atmosphere of anger and jealousy in the family.
Example: “Your sister is much smarter than you, who did you go to?”
The child constantly feels that he is not good enough, he seeks to prove his worth.
Example: “I always wanted to become like my older brother, and even went to study as a medical man, like him, although I wanted to become a programmer.”
What to do
Get out of control without fear of consequences. As a rule, this is the usual blackmail. When you realize that you are not part of your parents, you will no longer depend on them.

4. Drinking parents
Alcoholic parents usually deny that the problem exists in principle. Mom suffering from the drunkenness of her spouse, blocking him, justifies the frequent use of alcohol need to relieve stress or problems with the boss.
The child is usually told that it is not worth taking out the dirty linen in public. Because of this, he is constantly tense, living in fear of inadvertently betraying a family, revealing a secret.
How does the impact
Children of alcoholics often become loners. They do not know how to build friendships or love relationships, they suffer from jealousy and suspicion.
Example: “I am always afraid that a loved one will bring me pain, so I’m not starting a serious relationship.”
In such a family, a child may grow hyper-responsible and insecure.
Example: “I constantly helped my mother put her drunken father down. I was scared that he would die, I was worried that I could not do anything about it. ”
Another toxic effect of such parents is the transformation of the child into “invisibility”.
Example: “Mom tried to stop her father from drinking, coded him, constantly looking for new medicines. We were left to ourselves, no one asked if we ate, how we learn, what we are interested in. “
Children suffer from feelings of guilt.
Example: “As a child, I was constantly told:“ If you behaved well, dad would not drink ”.
What to do
Do not take responsibility for the fact that parents drink. If you can convince them that the problem exists, there is a chance that they will think about coding. Communicate with wealthy families, do not let us convince yourself that all adults are the same.

5. Humiliating parents
Such parents constantly insult and criticize the child, often without a base, or make fun of it. It can be sarcasm, ridicule, insulting nicknames, humiliation, which is issued for concern: “I want to help you correct”, “We need to prepare you for a cruel life” Parents can make the child an “accomplice” of the process: “He understands that this is just a joke.”
Sometimes humiliation is associated with a sense of competition. Parents feel that the child gives them unpleasant emotions, and connect the pressure: “You can not do better than me.”
How does the impact
Such an attitude kills self-esteem and leaves deep emotional scars.
Example: “For a long time I could not believe that I was capable of anything more than taking out the garbage, as my father said. And he hated himself for it. “
Children of competing parents pay for their peace of mind with sabotage their success. They prefer to understate their real abilities.
Example: “I wanted to participate in a street dance competition, I prepared well for it, but did not dare to try it. Mom always said that I would not be able to dance like her. ”
The driving force behind harsh verbal attacks can be unrealistic hopes that adults have placed on the child. And it is he who suffers when illusions crumble.
Example: “Daddy was sure that I would become a great hockey player. When I was once again expelled from the section (I did not like and could not skate), for a long time he called me worthless and incapable of anything.
Because of the failure of children in toxic parents usually comes the apocalypse.
Example: “I constantly heard:” It would be better if you were not born. ” And this is due to the fact that I did not take first place at the Olympiad in mathematics. ”
Children who grow up in such families often have suicidal tendencies.
What to do
Find a way to block insults and humiliation so that they do not hurt you. Do not let the initiative take over the conversation. If the answer is monosyllabic, do not succumb to manipulation, insults, and humiliation, toxic parents will not achieve their goal. Remember: you do not have to prove anything to them.
Finish communication when you want it. And preferably before you start to feel unpleasant emotions.

6. Rapists
Parents who consider violence to be the norm are very likely brought up in the same way. For them, this is the only opportunity to throw out anger, to cope with problems and negative emotions.
Physical violence
Supporters of corporal punishment usually put their fears and complexes on children or sincerely believe that flogging will benefit parenting, make the child courageous and strong. In reality, the opposite is true: physical punishment causes the strongest mental, emotional and bodily harm.
Sexual abuse
Susan Forward describes incest as “an emotional destructive betrayal of basic
trust between a child and a parent, an act of complete perversity.” The little victims are under the full power of the aggressor, they have nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.
How does the impact
The child experiences a feeling of helplessness and despair, because a request for help may be fraught with new outbursts of anger and punishment.
Example: “I practically did not tell anyone about the fact that my mother beats me. Because she knew: no one would believe. She explained the bruises on my legs and arms by the fact that I love to run and jump. ”
Children begin to hate themselves, their emotions – the constant anger and fantasies about revenge.
Example: “I couldn’t admit to myself for a long time, but in childhood, I wanted to strangle my father while he was sleeping. He beat my mom, younger sister. Glad to have him imprisoned. ”
Sexual abuse does not always involve contact with the body of a child, but it is no less destructive. Children feel guilty about what happened. They are ashamed, they are afraid to tell someone about what happened.
Example: “I was the quietest student in the class, I was afraid that my father would be called to the school, the secret would be revealed. He intimidated me: he constantly said that if this happened, everyone would think that I had lost my mind, they would send me to an asylum. ”
Children keep the pain in themselves, so as not to ruin the family.
Example: “I saw that mother loves her stepfather very much. Once I tried to hint to her that he treats me “like an adult”. But she burst into tears so that I no longer dared to talk about it. ”
A person who has experienced violence in childhood often leads a double life. He feels disgusting but pretends to be a successful, self-sufficient person. He can not build a normal relationship, considers himself unworthy of love. This is a wound that lasts a very long time.
Example: “I always considered myself“ dirty ”because of what my father did to me as a child. I decided to go on the first date after 30 years when I went through several courses of psychotherapy. ”
What to do
The only way to escape the abuser is to distance yourself, to run. Do not withdraw into yourself, but seek help from relatives and friends who can be trusted, seek help from psychologists and the police

How to deal with toxic parents
1. Accept this fact. And understand that you can hardly change your parents. But yourself and your attitude to life – yes.
2. Remember that their toxicity is not your fault. You are not responsible for the way they behave.
3. Communication with them is unlikely to become different, so reduce it to a minimum. Start the conversation, knowing in advance that it can end up unpleasant for you.
4. If you are forced to live with them, find an opportunity to let off steam. Go to the gym to workout. Keep a diary, describe in it not only bad events but also positive moments to support yourself. Read more literature about toxic people.
5. Do not look for excuses for the actions of parents. Your well-being should be a priority.

Sometimes you need to take space from toxic family https://ochisoul.com/2020/02/17/deal-with-toxic-african-family/

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