Episode 1


You are very stupid o. I asked for assorted continental fried rice,spiced wings of an elephant, flavoured liver of a lion but see what you are giving me’ I ranted at the Hotel manager.

‘We are very sorry sir,this is all we can offer’ The Manager replied with his head bowed in respect.
‘What nonsense!’ I Continued. ‘Let me see that Menu again’ I ordered while the Hotel manager with his head fully bowed stretched forth his hands and handed me the menu.

‘And I thought this was a 5-Star Hotel’ I continued babbling. ‘Let me just manage this,and this,and that,no, this and that’ I croaked, pointing to various items on the food menu while the Manager continued nodding his head like an agama lizard.
‘I’ll be back shortly Sir’ He announced and took his leave.
I felt bossily hearing the old man ascribe Sir to me. But the state of hunger i was in didnt let it get fully into my brain.
Ooo ooh. Where on earth is this man and my food. With the type of hunger ‘hungrying’ me now,i can swallow ten ohrobo’s and still feel not satisfied.
‘Here we are Sir, Fried rice,Chicken and Hennessy’ the waiter said as he served the food to me while the manager stood afar.
‘What took you guys so long,you nearly killed a brother here’ I hissed.


In no time i had gulped down seven plates of fried rice,five full spiced chickens and three bottles of hennessy but still wanted more. I have the money!
‘Waiter,More please’ I shouted from my seat.
‘Sorry sir,you have finished our pot of rice and chicken,there is nothing more to serve sir’
Shoooo! This guy dey craze walahi.
‘Okay whatelse do you have’ I asked calmly,trying hard not to explode my anger on him.
‘Only coconuts sir’
‘Okay just bring it,i will manage’
‘Okay sir’. ‘Here it is sir’ The waiter said serving one very big coconut that looked like my headmaster’s head.
I plunged into it,with full force,not minding the shell as i wanted to have a good taste of it…
I took the coconut with my hands and with my teeth i bit the shell very hard!..
‘Jessssssssusssss! Val don kill me o’ Emma shouted waking me up from my dream with a thunderous slap on my cheek.

‘You begin to dey eat your pillow,I no talk. You carry my pillow begin dey chop,I no talk. Now na my head you wan chop abi? God punish you’ Emma burst out.
I sat on the bed totally speechless. Words failed me as i was yet to comprehend what Emma was saying.
Oh now i get. I remembered eating fried rice and chicken in my dreams so what the hell is he saying about me eating pillow and heads?
I felt the rumbling of my stomach which signified that i hadnt eaten anything for the last 48 hours.
‘Guy,abeg Day never break?’ I asked Emma who gave me a quimzzical look and started laughing out loud.
He continued his infectious laughter rolling on the floor which greatly infuriated me,then i thought about giving him back his own coin.

I stood up from the bed and went closer to him,tapped him on his shoulder and the moment he turned around,i landed a sounding slap on his cheek.
Emma grabbed me by my singlet as he made to start a fight and i was so in the mood to give him one.
Striking a pose with our fists both clenched and ready to strike a punch as we faced each other.
One would think a fight was about to ensue but then,we both started laughing hard as we fell on the bed.
From laughing very hard,our tone of laughter had changed to cries.
‘Val, I swear, I fit die of hunger here o,I no even get strength to fight at all’
‘Emma,if I tell say I dey hungry na lie i talk. If anything pass hunger na that one i dey now’
‘Chai Valentine,so person just come campus to come die abi? Which kind life be dis na’
‘See make we just dey pray say make tomorrow reach and we never die of hunger’
‘As i dey talk so,if I open mouth talk,I go just fall die,make I reserve the talking strength for tomorrow abeg’ Emma concluded as he resigned to the bed.
My fights with my roommate Emma was not a new thing. We fought on almost any thing and fortunately we understood each other clearly and understood our differences.

‘Make morning do fast reach abeg before son of man go die of hunger here o’ I thought.
I picked up my wallet besides me opening it only to see it as dry as the sahara.
I shrugged that off.
‘Tomorrows gonna be a great day’ i thought while i fell fast asleep.
Who knows what the morning holds in store for us.

Episode 2

Bang! Bang! A knock at the door.
‘Fried Chicken. No. Yes. Roasted Thighs of a turkey’
Bang! Bang! Bang! Intense knocking at the door continues.
I was instantly woken up from my trance.
Oh no. Not that dream of me eating in luxury again. Whoever was behind the door temporaryly became my enemy for waking me up from eating the best ‘Dreams can offer’. I quickly turned to the sleeping Emma besides me. Glad i didnt eat his head this time.
Bang! Bang! Bang.
‘Na who me that?’ I yawned,standing up from the bed as i stretched my hands in reckless abandon.
‘Na me’
‘You no get name?’
‘Open this door jare before hunger kill me for here’.
Only one person could knock at my door so early in the morning.
I guessed right as i opened the door to meet my neighbour, Theophilus.
‘Guy abeg una get chinkini garri for here wey person fit take hold belle?’ Theophilus ignorantly asked immediately he stepped into the room.
Theophilus was my neighbour. Handsome, Full of life and fun to be with. He was always referred to as a brainbox. While you’re busy thinking and straining your brain in level 1, Theo as i fondly call him is already in level 200.
‘You dey craze abi? Or one nut for your head loose this morning?’ I sarcastically him.
‘You don start abi? Na hunger go kill una’ He said,pointing to me and the sleeping Emma.
I was begining to wonder if what he said behind the door some minutes ago was actually true.
‘Simple question wey i ask you,you come begin dey insult me,common garri you no get,make i go eat my fried rice and chicken for my room jare’ He Added as he made to leave.

Oh no no no. Not Fried rice and Chicken.
‘Ehn go chop am na,call me to wake you up from the dream when you’re done eating’ I replied as i began laughing hard.
He immediately turned to me,this time with seriousness written on his face.
‘Guy abeg,even if na small leftover bread,I go manage am abeg’
I looked at him with pity not wanting to burst out with a series of laughter.
‘To God!’ I said, doing the finger to to mouth to sky ritual. ‘No single permer of food dey this house at all’
He immediately collapsed on the floor, Oh no. Certainly he wasnt thinking i would rush to revive him. Did he?. I sat quietly watching him feign death, he must be stupid to think i’ll rush to him with a plate of ‘Fried rice and Chicken’.
When he noticed i wasnt forthcoming,he stood up,planting a gaze at me.
‘Guy you wicked o. Even bread,you no fit offer your man’ He said.
I laughed out loud. ‘If i even get the bread, E for don enter my belle since tey tey’.
Theo’s face brightened with glee.
‘Guy stand up dress make we go chop’
‘You get money?’ I countered.
‘Go dress shaperly shaperly,no dey dull my spirit’ He responded.


‘Theo Theo T’0 T’0′ I hailed him while i went to get dressed. Whatever he has in mind to do,he always achieves it or finds a way to twist and turn things around to his favor.
Turning my back away from Theo, I was suprised to see Emma already Up and dressed.
“Hunger no get enemy” I thought to myself as i hurriedly put on my trouser.
Oops,something dangling between my legs. Forgot to zip up my fly. You. Yes You reading. Hope you didnt see anything? Good child.
‘Wait for me!’ I yelled as i rushed to go meet Emma and Theo who were already quite some distance from me.

Episode 3

And where exactly are we headed?’ I curiously asked Theo after we had circled the entire neighborhood.
‘Guy whatsup na? Where exactly we dey go? I no get any strenght to waka again o’ Emma also mumbled at Theo.
Am pretty sure one could hear the echoing of our rumbling stomachs ten kilometeres away. It sure seemed like world war III was fought inside my belle as the worms inside me could be heard shouting and wailing. Whatever ideas Theo had,he should better put them to good use now unless they want to start posting obituary pics of a son of man.
‘Guys look over there,see that man besides the Hummer jeep?’ Theo said pointing to his decribed direction. ‘It seems his car is broken down, he looks well to do,lets go help him out and am pretty certain he would give us some ‘Doo”.
I and Emma unanimously agreed to Theo’s decision as we immediately headed towards the man’s direction.
‘Wait!’ Theo said,’ Valentine na you go talk to the man o’
‘Which kind nonsense be that na,no be you bring up the idea of meeting the man?’ I countered him.
‘No be you get mouth pass all of us for here’ Emma and Theo simultaenously fired back. ‘If you no go talk to the man,make we begin dey go back now o’ Theo added in more of a carefree tone.
‘Oya jor make we dey go’ I announced as we made to where the man was.
‘Good Morning sir’ I greeted him. ‘Do you need anyhelp on your car sir’.
‘Good Morning my child’ The man responded. ‘Not quite,it just needs a little pushing,thats all’.
‘Then we would be glad to help’ I offered while the man entered the car as Theo and Emma joyfully went to the back of the car and started pushing it.
Good gracious,after pushing for a considerable distance,the engine kicked and started.
Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!! The man hit the gas as he sped off,not even looking back to say ‘Thank You’, leaving us exhausted and wasted as we cursed him.
‘May Ogun strike that man for me’ Emma cursed.
‘Even money for boys,he no fit drop,why we come go waste our strenght sef,Na God go punish am’ Theo added,wailing of hunger in the process.
‘I swear,that man look like chief Ahun himself’ I said.
We found our way to a nearby shade where we sat down quietly.
‘Guys,see that woman wey dey carry food for head’ Theo the “ideologist” said.
‘Wetin come happen to the woman?’ I and Emma asked.
‘Una no well,abi una no dey see food. Mtchew. Psst psst,Madam!’ Theo called out to the woman as she turned and came towards us.
‘Guy you get money?’ I fearfully asked him.
‘Una too dey worry jare,dont worry,Na me Theo,everything is under control’ He assured us as we both started hailing him.
‘Good Morning sir’s’ The woman greeted when she reached where we sat.
‘Confam!,Madam this your food sweet so?’ Theo foolishly asked.
‘Ah Oga, this food sweet sotey E no dey sweet again’ The food seller defended her asset.
‘Oya serve us shaperly shaperly. Give us one plate of rice and stew with big big Canda’ Theo ordered while the woman gladly rushed and started serving the food.
Hmmmn,I dont blame her. I could imagine what was going through her mind that moment. What a great way to start up the morning business. But seriously,did she see us as ‘Better People’?
We had already guppled down more than halve of the food,while she stood,watching us eat.
‘Yeeee!! My belle’ Theo screamed holding his stomach.
‘Ah,ooosh,yay i don die,my stomach o’ Emma wailed vomiting the contents of the food on the floor.
I was shocked. What could be happening to them.
‘Madam, Ah! What have you done to my friends. What did you put in their food?’ I anxiously asked the woman who seemed like she was already peeing in her pants at the show Theo and Emma were displaying.
‘Nothing sir! I swear to God,i didnt put anything in it’ She frightenedly responded.
‘Madam! You must be kidding me!’ I yelled angrily. ‘Is’nt it the poison you put in your food?’
‘Sir! Please believe me,the only ingredient i added to the food was salt,pepper,onions,white Maggi–‘
‘Ah! This woman has killed my friends,i shouted,cutting her off from completing her list of ingredients. ‘You have killed them for me o,didnt you know they are allergic to white maggi?’
‘Please sir,believe me,i meant no harm’
‘Ah, yay! My belle o’ Emma and Theo continued their showdown.
I turned to the woman. ‘Oya,rush fast fast and buy them water, quick quick o’.
She hurriedly left us while Emma and Theo stood up and started laughing uncontrollably.
‘Na me be the master planner’ Theo praised himself.
‘Chai,this woman food sweet o’ Emma added, rubbing his stomach to make his point.
‘I swear. Una dey craze for head. Make una no ever put me for condition to repeat wetin just happen o’ I warned them.
‘Yes sir’ The both saluted and quickly returned to their former positions as the woman returned with the water.
We further threatened to sue her in court while she apoloqized and sq££zed a One thousand naira note into my hand. She quickly took her leave,leaving us to ‘Feel Ourselves’.
We strolled home carefree,feeling proud and happy at what we just accomplished,but it was soon cut short.
Pow! Pow! Gunshots.
‘You Three are under arrest’ A voice came from behind.

To Be Continued…

Episode 4

Scared to our bones,we turned around to meet two Police men pointing those outdated and washed out pistols at us,while the food seller stood behind them.
‘Its them Officer’ The woman said,pointing to us.
‘So you three have been the ones disturbing,harrassing and terrorising this neighborhood?’ The first Officer ignorantly asked as he drew closer, removing a handcuff from his side pocket while the other Officer stood still, focused on us with his aim at us.
I turned to look at Theo who had a grin on his face. I looked behind me to Emma who gazed back.
I felt my legs warming up like that of an F1 racing car.
We were just waiting for the perfect opportunity to take off when we heard another series of gunshots nearby.
‘Pow! pow! pow! pow! pow!’
The sound was deafening. No doubts it came from an Ak-47. Probably robbers at large.
I turned around only to meet thin air. The two officers, The food seller, Theo and Emma were nowhere to be found. I didn’t need a rethink as i took to my heels. I ran faster than the wind. Not even Usain Bolt dared to compete with me at such speed.
‘Pow pow!’ The shots continued closeby followed by a thick bass voice.
‘Hey you,stop there! Or i blow your brains’ the voice ordered.
I didn’t know they were this close as i heard approaching footsteps chasing me. I immediately turned left,taking a narrow path. Shops, houses were all at lockdown. Nowhere to hide. I ran.
Pow! Pow! This time,the shots almost ripped off my eardrums. I felt the wind of the passing bullet just above my head. It missed me by that much.
No time to think as i hurriedly took a sharp bend besides a shop. I stopped as i hid behind some barrels where kerosene was probably sold. By this time i was already exhausted as i bent down to catch my breath.
‘Where him they?’ A voice yelled out.
‘I no see am again o, E be like say We done loose am’ Another one replied.
I tilted my heads upwards to take a look at the arguing gangsters. They all wore masks couting five in total.
‘I never see person run like that for my life’ a third guy voiced out exhaustingly.
‘Make we they go, him no dey here’ A bass voice said. Probably their gangleader. They were about turning to leave when i felt something move inside my trousers. I chose to ignore it but then i felt a sharp pinch on my ‘Manhood’.
‘Jesu!!’
I screamed as i stood up hitting myself harder down south.
A rat!?
‘Pow! Pow! Pow!’ the gangmembers released fire on me as the bullets were blocked by the metal barrels in which kerosene was stored.
Fortunately for me,I had bent down when they turned around,keeping my face hiden from them.
The blasts of fire continued while i remained bent behind the barrels.
‘Were’nt they supposed to catch fire by now?’ I asked myself.
The raining of gunpowder suddenly seized as i heard footsteps approaching.
‘Am going to die’ I thought to myself. Just then, an idea hit me.
With quick reflexes in what one could call a ‘Moment’,I stood up forcefully pushing a barrel of kerosene over,spilling it on the floor while the gangsters immediately opened fired as i took a dive to the next barrel.
Kaboom! Kaboom! The place was on fire.
The spilled kerosene on the ground went ablaze,making the gangmembers retreat temporaryly.
Hmmnm, I love the smell of roasted goat skin. Ooops! It was my burning flesh. I yelled as i stood up,making a run for it to an unknown destination. The gangmembers followed me still,shooting at amiss.
I took a dive in a sharp bend again,seeing my self in a crooked pathway,probably in a compound.
By now i was out of juice,totally wasted and exhausted. I continued running.
Just when i was about falling down,I felt the grasp of a strong hand on my wrist as it pulled me inside a dark room.
The stranger immediately left me on the floor,making to bolt the door.
I la!d helpless inside the house catching my breath. When i had breathed a good quantity of Oxygen,I lifted up my head to appreciate the stranger only to see the most beautiful damsel on earth with just a towel around her waist.
I instantly forgot my name. Even my Matric number couldnt even be found in the recycle bin of my brain. I had a ‘format of the brain’.
She was just too beautiful.

Episode 5

What the hell were you doing outside by this time’ She arrogantly asked.
I kept mute; My brain had’nt fully recovered from the ‘Sightseeing’.
‘Hey Mr. Are you deaf, I said what were you doing outside by this time’ She asked rudely again like she was angry.
‘I.. I.. I.. Wa..’ I stammered chronically. ‘ooooffff…courrrse. Why wont I be outside,its a monday morning for crying out loud’ I countered.
She seemed to be taken aback by my response as she smiled unconvincingly. She turned around,making to go peep at the door while i fed my eyes on her body. When she was done,she came back.
‘Hey Mr. They’re probably gone. Better start leaving!’ She ordered.
Her arrogance and rudeness could be compared to her beauty. She was fair in complexion that made her look like a halfcast,slighty taller than average, glowing red sumptous lips, killer hips, melon sized trafficators and well loaded barcelona.
Osanobuaaa!!
This girl was just perfect. I stood up from the floor. Was’nt hard to note that,God himself created her.
My normal glances at her had turned to a stare. She had noticed my eyes on her but she didnt seem to care as she went and sat on one of the couches in the living room. I was suprised that my ‘Junior’ didnt put up a show. I took a seat on the couch opposite her while she looked at me with suprise but didnt say a word as she picked up her Blackberry phone and started pressing it carefree.
‘Are’nt you supposed to be on your way out?’ She asked.
‘Am really sorry for disturbing you. Just wanted to say a big thank you for helping me out’
‘The door’s that way,make sure to shut it behind you’ She pointed at the door arrogantly without even looking up from her phone while i smiled.
I wasnt going to loose this opportunity neither was i going to give up on her. I made up my mind to leave her house with nothing less than her phone number or a date with her.
‘I havent seen you around this neighborhood before, did you just move in?’ I asked her but she remained mute,with her head still bent and fixed on her phone.
I tried my best to remember all the toasting lines i had memorized but for where!, I couldnt even remember one.
‘You look familiar, pretty sure I have seen you before’ I managed to utter.
This time she lifted up her head and looked directly at me.
‘Me? Familiar?’ She asked.
‘Yea. You look like my next Girlfriend’ I responded directly which took her aback.
She giggled.
‘Is’nt that line outdated?’
I smiled. At least i made her laugh.
‘Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk in again?’ I asked.
This time she had started laughing hard.
‘Not bad. Not bad. Now would you please leave my house?’ She said and stood up as she made to usher me outside.
‘Erm Erm’ I stammered,looking for an excuse to remain inside with her. ‘Am sure those bad guys would be looking for me outside,you mind if I stay here for just 10minutes?’ I pleaded.
She wanted to say something but had a rethink ‘5 minutes max or i’ll call the cops’. She had this British accent.
‘Okay,That would be enough’ I appreciated.
She looked at me with uncertainty ,trying to assure herself if i could be trusted.
‘Thanks alot. I really appreciate this. Am Valentine ,you can call me Val’ I said as i stretched forth my hand for a handshake.
She just hissed and walked past me.
‘And what would i call an angel like you?’ i asked ignoring her annoying moves.
‘I should have just let you die in the hands of those men’ She said while i laughed out loud.
‘Thanks anyway, am grateful. I owe you big time. You mind me expressing my gratitude over Dinner with you sometime?’ I offered.
‘You’re asking me out on a date?’
‘Yes. I guess.’
She smiled. ‘And what would stop me from slapping those cheeks of yours right now?’
‘I’ll savor the slap forever. I would be glad to know I was slapped by an angel’ I replied.
She laughed a bit. ‘You’re really funny. Please better start leaving. I have got lectures to attend to besides i don’t go on dates with strangers.’
I was surprised. ‘You’re a student?’ I asked.
She gave me a quimzzical look. ‘Ofcourse I am’.
‘Well am not entirely a stranger,we both attend the same university and i live just a couple of blocks away’ I said.
‘So’?
‘So we could…’ She interjected me before i could finish my wordings.
‘Shush. We can’t do anything. Your five minutes is up. Please leave’ She held me by my arm,leading me to the door.
‘At least i should get your phone number’
‘Sorry i don’t have a phone’
‘But… Okay, even your name?’ I pleaded. I had this baby face that could make anyone pity me.
She dragged me out of the house and slammed the door on my Face. I just stood there for minutes, contemplating whether i should knock or just take my leave.
I had decided on the latter as i turned away from her house when i heard the door open.
‘The name’s ‘Stephanie’ She said and slammed the door again.
I smiled within me. I just caught a big fish. Jackpot!

Episode 6

Getting Stephanie’s name alone wasnt enough for my proposed ‘runz’ with her,so i had to lock up and let things be; Since we were in the same University, I was pretty sure our paths would cross once again.

I hurried left that vicinity remembering that i had an early morning lecture to prepare for,since my apartment was quite some distance from the main campus. Funny thing was that I already had a hostel accommodation,fully paid in my designated hall inside the campus but i became a squatter in my own room. A room meant for four people alone, became an abode for Eight.


It all began after i had finished paying and packing into my desired room in the Hall. As usual, I was welcomed by Three new faces with different characters. Life had started normally until my roomates started bringing in their friends to sleep over with us. At first I thought it was cool but when we had totalled Eight in just one room as they had made our room their permanent residence, I couldnt take it any longer.

Fortunately for me then, a distant uncle who just got married decided to move to a more convenient family home and since his rent was yet to expire he offered me his one room to occupy in which Emma requested to be my roommate.

I took a bus from Pz Cussons to the main campus, without even stopping at my apartment to take my books and bag because I was damn late. I hadnt even had my bath.

All through lectures, I couldnt concentrate. My mind raced through everything that happened that morning. I barely escaped been arrested by the police and worst, almost died in the hands of masked armed gangsters.

Chai. Me. Valentine. Almost killed my gangmembers? I don suffer.

To Be Continued…

Episode 7

Me Valentine Mbano. Son of Chief Davies Mbano. The boy with killer swags, The boy who every girl desired to be with, The boy who had girl(s) at my beck and call, barely escapade the claws of death. Choi!!!! I don suffer. Anyway sha.

I am Me. I am Valentine Mbano. A tall dark dude with a good body physique, nicely shaved goatee and an amazing hair which made people mistake me for being an arab. I made it an added advantage coupled with my ‘Fine boy no pimples’ handsomeness as it became my signature move whenever i was ‘Runzing’ the female foe.


I was in my two-hundred level as at now, seen things and knew my left from right.

My roommate Emma on the other hand was my bestfriend, we had known each other right from our secondary school days. After facing up and downs, trubulent times, our friendship grew stronger and stronger that after our final exams, we applied into the same university and here we are today.

I can vividly remember the kind of person Emma was, back in those days. He had this innocent face that people misinterpreted,and treated him like he was a ‘better person’, but deep inside i knew the kind of person he was. He was a sheep in wolf’s clothing, the typical bad boy.

He had started having s*x at an early age as he never failed to gist me of his escapades. He was really exposed as he was the first person to show me my first internet site.

I wouldnt fail to remember the first time we fought in secondary school. Ofcourse it was because of a girl.

I was in SS2B while he was in SS2D, quite distant from each other but that didnt deter our friendship as we always walked home together. I was later suprised when he told me he could walk home alone that i should leave him.

I was still a virgin at that time and knew nothing so i didnt bother questioning him as i didnt think anything was wrong. I later found out about the girl he was dating but I ignored and didnt ask him anything. He must have noticed my attitude towards him,when he finaly apologized for not introducing her to me.

I told him we were cool then he began telling me all his escapades with her. She was Ugonna, a beautiful dark plumb girl with ‘golden teeth’ which i always mocked her about. Since I was Emma’s bestfriend,She automatically became a close friend of mine as she would come asking me stylishly if Emma was cheating on her which i always denied.

‘Val nau, Is Emma really cheating on me?’ Ugonna would ask, touching at sensible parts while i giggled.

‘Why on earth would he do that to the most beautiful girl on earth’ I would tease back, tickling her which would make her laugh uncontrollably.

‘Oya come and escort me home’ She would beg while i’ll tease her the more.

‘Ehen, so you want Emma to kill me abi’ I added with a big grin on my face while she would playfully hit me on my shoulder as she would move closer to me, closer than normal and hold me tight, shaking and wiggling her ‘behind’ while my brain went ‘KABOOM’.

I didnt know what was happening to me, but i became suddenly inlove with Emma’s girl, Ugonna.
She would wiggle her behind whenever I was around or whenever she passed in front of my class. I was enchanted by her magic, and dazed by her beauty that i totally about the consequences if Emma found out.

Ugonna would always come to my class demanding I take her out for launch which i gladdely did, mehn this girl wiped me dry. I couldnt even boast of my savings because I was totally broke.

Funny thing was that I was yet to have anything with her because whenever I tried touching her back sensitively, she would instantly become angry.

I was now her escortee home untill the day Emma found out.

All hell let loose that day.

To Be Continued…