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Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed - Family - Nairaland

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Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 5:00am On Feb 22
Please help me, I'm loosing my sanity everyday!
I'm scared to open up to friends and families because of what they will think or how disappointed or bad I will make them feel, also I'm afraid people will be judgemental about my actions.

I'm not physically and emotional connected with my husband which is affecting our marriage and my well-being, we live as co-tenant, we hardly have any conversation, we do things differently, we share different rooms, no sex for the past 3 years! Even during courtship and the fist two years of marriage I can account for days we were intimate.

Things are fallen out of place everyday, we have a child together who will be 4yrs and the thought of having another child has not crossed my mind.

I get irritated at everything, I hardly show appreciation towards him even if it means he has done his best, which later i will find myself guilty and try to make up but the spark and connection isn't just there.

Most times, I have a non-challant attitude towards him and everything he does to make me happy.

I feel lonely, bored and incomplete even when I'm 90% sure my husband loves me and always ready to make me happy.

I feel awkward communicating my feelings and thoughts to him because I know I might flare up with anger even when he hasn't done or said anything to warrant it.

Please I have come to this faceless forum to pour out my mind, my heart is heavy, I need someone to talk to, I'm afraid my personal intention of walking out this marriage even when my husband hasn't done anything to deserve this might backfire and has its negative effect on our child.

I honestly don't need anyone to insult me please as I'm going through a lot. All i need is mature married wo(men) opinions

Thank you for your time.

62 Likes 13 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by daddytime(m): 5:11am On Feb 22
Yet, another.

Madam, there is nothing anyone on here (a faceless forum) can advise you that'd matter any, or have any meaningful impact on your sham marriage because, from the get-go, you knew love was non-existent amongst anything else that must have attracted him to you.

You knew how you felt about him during courtship, into marriage, and up until now. I'm very certain that the only thing that had changed has been a progression in how much he disgusts you.

I feel so sorry for the poor naive man. He is indeed naive and a mugu. If he wasn't the previous and the latter, trust me when I say, even someone who was blind, deaf and mute, would be just too sensitive to the much hate you have and exhibit for this poor man.

On a side note, does anyone notice how relationships are gradually losing everything relationship about them?

The good old heart2heart or tete a tete between lovers and couples is being daily trashed on the alter of social media, where people now come to bare their minds on issues bordering on their lives and well beings, while hoping to get advised or validation from complete strangers who have zero to no idea how it truly seats with them on the whole.

Everything for the life just dey get k-leg dey go anyhow...

Na wa

568 Likes 43 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Ishilove: 5:18am On Feb 22
Op what was that special reason that made you accept his marriage proposal in the first place?


Start from there first.

279 Likes 12 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by matrixmuzi: 5:18am On Feb 22
Your real husband is down in the ocean. Check your dream life. That man is suffering from what he knows nothing about . Your inner man is not comfortable and wants u to make the mistake which is being a single parent. And once you achieve that regret sets in and it will be too late to make amends. Fight off those thoughts and draw close to God.

453 Likes 22 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by espn(m): 5:20am On Feb 22
I suspect you must be seeing someone or someone else is making you happy...

Secondly maybe you still see an ex of yours or someone you once loved or dated, and you keep comparing him to your husband...

He has nothing to loose if you decide to end the marriage...you will....

270 Likes 14 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by money121(m): 5:22am On Feb 22
Ok
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 5:33am On Feb 22
Ishilove:
Op what was that special reason that made you accept his marriage proposal in the first place?


Start from there first.

He's highly intelligent which is a great turn on for me in any relationship,we never dated,but we were good friends!
The issue of us getting married was as a result of making his intention known to my people which they accepted all cos he was a good guy whom my mum said he knows he will never treat me wrong!
Yes,i accepted to marry him not for love cos all through our friendship i never see us as lovers but i thought i will overcome all the anxieties and will grow to love him as we grow together(what my mum made me understand)now
I have been struggling with feelings of loving him and its isnt just adding up.

84 Likes 7 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Prec1ous(m): 5:58am On Feb 22
You married the brother who was ready to take care of your bills right? Because the one you wanted was not serious, ready and wealthy. Hahahahah. I assume things are not too well with that man again so you are ready to bounce.

I hope that brother bursting your head now is really interested in you and will take your child too.

You never loved that man, it did not just start today. You knew but because of comfort and money. You decided to try your luck and see if the love will grow.

You are making no effort so why not just divorce, separate...just leave and seek your happiness.

To my fellow guys, don't ever get swindled in the name of love. Nothing is real!

246 Likes 9 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Bola146(f): 6:00am On Feb 22
Hummmm... hope you don't have any man deceiving you outside or friends misleading you? If no, then talk to your parents or a good counselor. You need a serious deliverance and prayers. It's better you do that now for the sake of your kid. The Lord is your strength

39 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by babythug(f): 6:01am On Feb 22
Your situation is less tricky to manage since the bulk of the issues are with you!

I am aware that many people were or are in arranged marriages where there was no love at first. In some cases feelings grew in other it never did but some of these couples learnt to live together in peace.

Only you can determine if you’d ever open your heart to this fellow, if you cannot only you can ultimately determine whether you want to put yourself and him out of the misery.

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side, single parenthood or starting after in a new marriage doesn’t always work for all of us.

I’d say to you to pace yourself and give some time to enhance or develop the relationship and see if your feelings change.

Be more tolerating, accepting and accommodating.
Try to reach out more to build a bond, chats via texts beyond running the household matters, genuinely seek to bond with him. You can also make the first move towards se.x.
Take more care with his meals, just be truly pleasant .

If in six months your feelings don’t change then at least you’d know for certain the next steps!

Good luck

117 Likes 9 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 6:03am On Feb 22
Prec1ous:
You married the brother who was ready to take care of your bills right? Because the one you wanted was not serious, ready and wealthy. Hahahahah

Well,he's not taking care of my bills,i make my own money but he's responsible in his own lil way.
Thank you.

31 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by donbuchi1(m): 6:06am On Feb 22
daddytime:
Yet, another.

Madam, there is nothing anyone on here (a faceless forum) can advise you that'd matter any, or have any meaningful impact on your sham marriage because, from the get-go, you knew love was non-existent amongst anything else that must have attracted him to you.

You knew how you felt about him during courtship, into marriage, and up until now. I'm very certain that the only thing that had changed has been a progression in how much he disgusts you.

I feel so sorry for the poor naive man. He is indeed naive and a mugu. If he wasn't the previous and the latter, trust me when I say, even someone who was blind, deaf and mute, would be just too sensitive to the much hate you have and exhibit for this poor man.

On a side note, does anyone notice how relationships are gradually losing everything relationship about them?

The good old heart2heart or tete a tete between lovers and couples is being daily trashed on the alter of social media, where people now come to bare their minds on issues bordering on their lives and we'll beings, while hoping to get advised or validation from complete strangers who have zero to no idea how it truly seats with them on the whole.

Everything for the life just dey get k-leg dey go anyhow...

Na wa

U wasted precious time typing that

15 Likes 1 Share

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 6:10am On Feb 22
daddytime:
Yet, another.

Madam, there is nothing anyone on here (a faceless forum) can advise you that'd matter any, or have any meaningful impact on your sham marriage because, from the get-go, you knew love was non-existent amongst anything else that must have attracted him to you.

You knew how you felt about him during courtship, into marriage, and up until now. I'm very certain that the only thing that had changed has been a progression in how much he disgusts you.

I feel so sorry for the poor naive man. He is indeed naive and a mugu. If he wasn't the previous and the latter, trust me when I say, even someone who was blind, deaf and mute, would be just too sensitive to the much hate you have and exhibit for this poor man.

On a side note, does anyone notice how relationships are gradually losing everything relationship about them?

The good old heart2heart or tete a tete between lovers and couples is being daily trashed on the alter of social media, where people now come to bare their minds on issues bordering on their lives and we'll beings, while hoping to get advised or validation from complete strangers who have zero to no idea how it truly seats with them on the whole.

Everything for the life just dey get k-leg dey go anyhow...

Na wa

Yes,I accept my mistake for going into the marriage when i knew i was not not totally into him but i was made to believe love wasnt enough and one can grow in feelings and love in marriage.

31 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Bankowner: 6:18am On Feb 22
Take my advice, seek an independent counselor or therapist. You cannot get the solution you need without talking to someone who won't judge you while you open up.

If you are the church type, and you can trust your pastor or his wife enough to talk to, then take your matter to him/her.The beauty of it is you can always love your husband if only you let yourself.

33 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by hopeforcharles(m): 6:18am On Feb 22
The man does not deserve a woman like you, if after all you said he does to make it work and u don't see his efforts and love, free him let him go for someone who will appreciate and love him.

153 Likes 6 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by healthserve(m): 6:20am On Feb 22
Another wicked bitter soul

108 Likes 4 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Tallesty1(m): 6:20am On Feb 22
Ishilove:
Op what was that special reason that made you accept his marriage proposal in the first place?


Start from there first.
Please sit down so that rest of us at the back can see the OP. grin

15 Likes 4 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by movement2020: 6:21am On Feb 22
Were you seeing someone before you got married to this man?

Do you still get in touch with your Ex (s)

What do you think you can do to love your husband?

There are some attributes you want in your dream man that he does not possess? What are they?

Yes, love grows but you closed your heart due to some reasons best known to you.

What exactly do you think would solve the problem? Seperation or Divorce.

33 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Tallesty1(m): 6:21am On Feb 22
espn:
I suspect you must be seeing someone or someone else is making you happy...

Secondly maybe you still see an ex of yours or someone you once loved or dated, and you keep comparing him to your husband...

He has nothing to loose if you decide to end the marriage...you will....
She's not seeing anyone, her problem is her spiritual husband

98 Likes 4 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by healthserve(m): 6:22am On Feb 22
daddytime:
Yet, another.

Madam, there is nothing anyone on here (a faceless forum) can advise you that'd matter any, or have any meaningful impact on your sham marriage because, from the get-go, you knew love was non-existent amongst anything else that must have attracted him to you.

You knew how you felt about him during courtship, into marriage, and up until now. I'm very certain that the only thing that had changed has been a progression in how much he disgusts you.

I feel so sorry for the poor naive man. He is indeed naive and a mugu. If he wasn't the previous and the latter, trust me when I say, even someone who was blind, deaf and mute, would be just too sensitive to the much hate you have and exhibit for this poor man.

On a side note, does anyone notice how relationships are gradually losing everything relationship about them?

The good old heart2heart or tete a tete between lovers and couples is being daily trashed on the alter of social media, where people now come to bare their minds on issues bordering on their lives and we'll beings, while hoping to get advised or validation from complete strangers who have zero to no idea how it truly seats with them on the whole.

Everything for the life just dey get k-leg dey go anyhow...

Na wa

Modified:

Seeing your subsequent responses below, I wish to apologize for being too harsh in my earlier submission above.

I can see you were a victim/dupe of poverty cum our parents meddling in our affairs and deciding for their wards.

Hopefully, parents will become awoke to the fact that their kids aren't a meal ticket, and should be left to follow their hearts in every way possible.


Elder remove the apology you were accurate. Don't dilute the truth i beg you. This is a wicked heartlesss soul here

60 Likes 1 Share

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by daddytime(m): 6:22am On Feb 22
healthserve:



Elder remove the apology you were accurate. Don't dilute the truth i beg you. This is a wicked heartlesss soul here

grin

17 Likes

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 6:40am On Feb 22
movement2020:
Were you seeing someone before you got married to this man?

Do you still get in touch with your Ex (s)

What do you think you can do to love your husband?

There are some attributes you want in your dream man that he does not possess? What are they?

Yes, love grows but you closed your heart due to some reasons best known to you.

What exactly do you think would solve the problem? Seperation or Divorce.


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected

63 Likes 4 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Greatzeus(m): 6:43am On Feb 22
Did you ever feel like this in any of your previous relationships?
If yes,then the problem is not your husband,but you.You need to see a psychologist .
If no,then it clearly shows you don't love your husband AT ALL,infact you are not sexually or physically attracted to him. What you described up there is not marriage at all,it's better you both go your separate ways and look for partners that will make you happy, instead of making you depressed.

15 Likes

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ITbomb(m): 6:46am On Feb 22
What you need is an excursion to some place totally different from your known environment

2 Likes

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by namiji2598: 6:48am On Feb 22
embarassed
3 years without sex? Are u guys getting it somewhere or what?

Back to the question op, ur husband suppose Don suspect say u don't love him and that's why he keeps on prooving himself
I don't really believe in love, because I have seen couples who love themselves so much but there is no happiness in their home, the betterment of ur marriage lies in your hands jus try and make it work,
Give him sex
Do house chores
Appreciate him
And open ur hearts for him and try to love him

22 Likes

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 6:50am On Feb 22
@daddytime please i will like to let you know I'm not from a poverty or never chop background.

I came from a very good background thou not born with a golden spoon but a silver spoon wouldnt be an understatement.

Not all matital issues are based on financial benefits & my case isnt an exceptional please.

Thank you for your time.

58 Likes

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 6:55am On Feb 22
babythug:
Your situation is less tricky to manage since the bulk of the issues are with you!

I am aware that many people were or are in arranged marriages where there was no love at first. In some cases feelings grew in other it never did but some of these couples learnt to live together in peace.

Only you can determine if you’d ever open your heart to this fellow, if you cannot only you can ultimately determine whether you want to put yourself and him out of the misery.

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side, single parenthood or starting after in a new marriage doesn’t always work for all of us.

I’d say to you to pace yourself and give some time to enhance or develop the relationship and see if your feelings change.

Be more tolerating, accepting and accommodating.
Try to reach out more to build a bond, chats via texts beyond running the household matters, genuinely seek to bond with him. You can also make the first move towards se.x.
Take more care with his meals, just be truly pleasant .

If in six months your feelings don’t change then at least you’d know for certain the next steps!

Good luck

Thank you so much ma
I really appreciate your contribution and I will work on it.

More wisdom and blessings to you.

32 Likes 1 Share

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by daddytime(m): 7:00am On Feb 22
Girlwhocares:
@daddytime please i will like to let you know I'm not from a poverty or never chop background.

I came from a very good background thou not born with a golden spoon but a silver spoon wouldnt be an understatement.

Not all matital issues are based on financial benefits & my case isnt an exceptional please.

Thank you for your time.

Okay ma.

3 Likes

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Girlwhocares: 7:02am On Feb 22
Bankowner:
Take my advice, seek an independent counselor or therapist. You cannot get the solution you need without talking to someone who won't judge you while you open up.

If you are the church type, and you can trust your pastor or his wife enough to talk to, then take your matter to him/her.The beauty of it is you can always love your husband if only you let yourself.

I have opened up to two counsellors to seek for their professional therapy but they ended up been biased and sentimental,hence their involvement was fruitless.

However,there's no harm in trying another therapist who will more professional in his/her dealings.

Thank you so much for the suggestions and i will surely look into it.

15 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by movement2020: 7:03am On Feb 22
Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected


That grudge is really embedded in you and love of 15yrs is no joke coupled with the fact that you didn't date your husband. The foundation was the problem.

Ma, no one and nobody should stay in a relationship where he or she is not happy. Your happiness really matters. You already know what you want and making efforts to make it work is not yielding positive response.

Few questions more

Would you drop the kid for him?

The seperation you're seeking, is it to re-strategize in order to develop love from afar or date a new guy and see if that would work or go back to your former relationship if he has not married (I doubt).

Do you find it hard to tell him your inner most mind?

27 Likes 1 Share

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by UjuJoan2: 7:13am On Feb 22
Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected


Why don't you visit the counsellors with your husband?

The key to happiness is contentment. You may think this your ex would have made a better spouse but that may not be true. The fact is that nobody is perfect, and if you had married him, the chances of falling out of love with him is always there. The grass is NEVER greener on the other side, it only appears that way. For me dating someone for 15 whole years is already a big flaw that should make you resent your ex.

As for your husband. I think like you said, separation is a good idea. It will help you get a clearer picture and you will begin to see the good he brings to your life. From what you said, he is a good man, but you are just not seeing it because your heart is somewhere else.

Above all, learn to be happy for you. Dont expect that your joy and happiness will come from someone else. People survive in loveless marriages and somehow made peace with it. If you become so fixated on the sparks you should be feeling and the fire that should be burning in your heart, it will only make you more depressed. Focus on other things that make you happy. Find your joy elsewhere.

72 Likes 1 Share

Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by UjuJoan2: 7:14am On Feb 22
It's because of situations like this that I wholly support open marriages.

2 Likes 1 Share

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