Sunnydays:
You needed mature advice from a married woman, well here it is: work on it! Love is a decision. Begin a romantic affair with each other. Send dirty jokes and texts to each other. Try and become more playful with each other. Make jokes, watch funny movies, share the same room, kiss in the living room. Go out together without your children. Save this response; there is a big chance that you'll come to regret it, if you continue like this. He may get fed-up with living a life without love and find someone else. You said he tries to please you. Ask him what will please him too and try. Don't expect love to just happen. Ignite an ember and fan the flames. Work on your marriage o. Work on it





[q

She clearly doesn't want to work on her marriage. That 15 year affair with her ex and probably the fact she's still collecting knacks from the said ex is fooling her. This advice won't work on her. She should stop torturing the poor husband and get a divorce. Maybe then, eye go clear am

pweetiedee:


Your post is so senseless!!!

His words are not entirely out of place. If she has any little concern for that husband, the right thing she should do is call for a divorce.

BlackPantherCri:


Well, what exactly is love to you?

Today is Sunday so let me preach. The Bible did not ask women to love their husbands. They said women, respect your husband and submit to him, men love your wife. Your husband is fulfilling his part but your inhibitions is not allowing you fulfill your path.


In every marriage the romantic feeling fizzles out. We have to work towards making it work. I've been married 11 years now, also to my friend. I was a tomboy and he was my 'egbon'. We still hail each other like friends, and believe me the friendship is the reason we are still together. We quarrel like siblings, the whole romance thing you are looking for doesn't just exist. It is a mirage, a smoke screen that covers the reality of marriage. You have to consciously make it work as soon as it fizzles out right around the first three years. In the later years, should your marriage survive the first 5 years, what you begin to have is an interdependence on each other. You have to grow into these things.

The real romance lies in making his food, doing his laundry, being at his service and tending to his needs. For him, the romance lies in providing for the family, paying school fees, the whole race of life.

If you want something different you need to MAKE IT happen. Sex is on appointment, there is nothing wrong in sending him a raunchy text message, I send mine messages like 'baba, wey you na!' (gosh I'm so horrible') and he's like 'iya, kilonshele', I reply 'come make we relate, drink ogidigida' he's like 'eh! Na you go run!', challenge accepted. We know that night, the kids will sleep early by fire by force. For baba, it is "ah, my shoulder is paining me, bring Ori come and help me rub it', shoulder fire. We know that from play it will enter dance.

Or send the kids away to a sister's place or take a weekend off, rent a hotel room and dig it out like rabbits.

Romantic dinners are a fantasy. You have to create it. All that "look into my eyes and tell me what you see" bullshit! I wear girdle and baba helps me zip it up. Life happens. Baba how do I look, instead of baba to say, oh, you look beautiful, baba will say, see this woman, you think you are 16. That's all the compliment I need.

Life has taken over. You've only been married 4/5 years. You have only just started. You need to create love, define love and make it meaningful to you. All those expectations of marriage, somebody lied. Welcome to forever

You're a woman every man would want as a wife. You understand this thing called marriage so well. You just reiterated what I've been saying all along.

philip0906:

An adult female marries a man for reasons best known to her. How's she a victim?

Did she marry him at gunpoint? Was she underaged to make her own decision?

You're running from the obvious truth (as typical with women), the op is nothing but a witch. Tell her the damn truth and stop all this watered down talk.

The man is the ONLY victim here.

Thank you. These people like fooling themselves. She wasn't forced to marry him. She chose to. The ONLY victim is the man. She's the villain in this story

abutujj:

Oga which holy spirit is leading you the way you are sounding you are bitter and I will said is holy devil that is leading you.op is going through some hard time all she requested is advice not all this insult,did you really know what she is going through she has tried to make it work which she is still trying.

What is she going through? The only person going through hell is that unfortunate husband of hers. May I never be so stupid to stay put in a marriage as useless as this. May divorce come into my mind immediately my wife starts misbehaving like this woman. And may I never cross paths with her type again. Stop the petting game. She is the villain in this tale. If she wants her conscience to stop judging her, let her immediately file for divorce and end his misery

machiavelli95:
Keep quiet!!! Just because you read some few anglo-american themed books, you now feel you are "advanced" and the supernatural doesn't exist. Keep on living in fools paradise and join the bandwagon of "spirituality religion" just to sound cool. Nonsense!!
While there is a lot of foolishness and crudeness in African's approach toward the spiritual realm (same is true about other facets especially leadership), it does not change the fact that the laws of the supernatural realms of the Spirit govern the physical. If it is not so,please tell me who began and practices the grail message, the freemasonry (over 25% of Britons are Freemasons), the eckankar (the light and sound of god) and the AMORC.
Even China which abolished religion has the highest adherents to buddhism.
Just because someone abuses a thing, it does not mean that thing is invalid. Just because Africans abuse religion, which is man's attempt to connect with the supernatural, does not mean religion is invalid.
Your gullibility irritates me

We are on the same page.................................save yourself the irritation stress.
Enjoy!

ityP:



If marriage na about love, divorce for no plenty d way e plenty now. You see, spark of love dey quench. If you aren't committed and if you don't take vows seriously, even if Una love pass Romeo and Juliet own, it will still end in tears.

Love is kind,love is patient,love keeps no record of bad done,love is understanding etc. Genuine love stands the test of time. when you genuinely love a person, you make sacrifices, you adjust your ways, just to make that person happy and so your relationship would work. Once there's no love, your relationship is headed for The rocks

ityP:



You were the one blaming her husband, even she didn't do that. Follow the advice so you don't go blaming your husband when the marriage don tire you

I'm a dude. If you read right, I said I will go out of the way and do what others didn't do. Besides I knowingly blamed the husband so that men will learn not to force themselves on women. It's not proper. That's the end result. These days a typical marriage/relationship is “a man forcing himself on a woman (cause of her beauty) and the woman reciprocating with forcing herself to love the same man (maybe he's rich)”. It doesn't end well. I passed a message, only those who needed it will see it before opening this thread.

Tallesty1:
She's not seeing anyone, her problem is her spiritual husband

It's still the same "Seeing someone", only this time, spiritual seems.

Lol

See how your parents have ruined your happiness.
Parents must not make choices for their children when it concerns marriage.
Is your husband much older than you?
Does he satisfy you sexually?
Call the attention of your husband to it and make your decision known to him now that he is still young instead of divorcing him when he is too old for another relationship. I believe you derive more sexual satisfaction from your former boyfriend than from your husband. My opinion though.

Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected

Girlwhocares:
@bankowner,
Thank you so much I've been looking up for counsellor(s) online to rebook appointment with and I'm open to all critics as long as I wil yield a positive result.

Once again,thank you.

You can go to any university and look for guidance and counselling department, if you are in anambra I will advise you to go to Unizik and meet one of the counsellors especially a woman, but please open your heart and make up your mind to love your husband, only you can do that, smile at him and imagine better live ahead with him, initiate sex, think about your child and try to get pregnant again, don't forget to ask God to perfect your marriage, am having the same feeling for the guy that want to marry me now but I told myself that I can only love him if I truly open my heart but I wish I will see a guy that I will truly love

Zinny25:
Love is kind,love is patient,love keeps no record of bad done,love is understanding etc. Genuine love stands the test of time. when you genuinely love a person, you make sacrifices, you adjust your ways, just to make that person happy and so your relationship would work. Once there's no love, your relationship is headed for The rocks

Love is based on knowledge and choice. I might not be attracted to someone, but if I get married to the person and I see how wonderful a person she is, love don start be that. I then make a conscious choice to stick. It doesn't matter who I get married to. As long as she doesn't have serious character flaws, I MUST love her. That's the mentality people should have going into marriage. OP clearly doesn't want to love her husband, it's not that she doesn't love him. When she sees marriage in this light, she would stick and make her marriage a success. And she would be happy too

Zinny25, this clearly explains what love is and how a wise individual makes his or her marriage work

BlackPantherCri:


Well, what exactly is love to you?

Today is Sunday so let me preach. The Bible did not ask women to love their husbands. They said women, respect your husband and submit to him, men love your wife. Your husband is fulfilling his part but your inhibitions is not allowing you fulfill your path.


In every marriage the romantic feeling fizzles out. We have to work towards making it work. I've been married 11 years now, also to my friend. I was a tomboy and he was my 'egbon'. We still hail each other like friends, and believe me the friendship is the reason we are still together. We quarrel like siblings, the whole romance thing you are looking for doesn't just exist. It is a mirage, a smoke screen that covers the reality of marriage. You have to consciously make it work as soon as it fizzles out right around the first three years. In the later years, should your marriage survive the first 5 years, what you begin to have is an interdependence on each other. You have to grow into these things.

The real romance lies in making his food, doing his laundry, being at his service and tending to his needs. For him, the romance lies in providing for the family, paying school fees, the whole race of life.

If you want something different you need to MAKE IT happen. Sex is on appointment, there is nothing wrong in sending him a raunchy text message, I send mine messages like 'baba, wey you na!' (gosh I'm so horrible') and he's like 'iya, kilonshele', I reply 'come make we relate, drink ogidigida' he's like 'eh! Na you go run!', challenge accepted. We know that night, the kids will sleep early by fire by force. For baba, it is "ah, my shoulder is paining me, bring Ori come and help me rub it', shoulder fire. We know that from play it will enter dance.

Or send the kids away to a sister's place or take a weekend off, rent a hotel room and dig it out like rabbits.

Romantic dinners are a fantasy. You have to create it. All that "look into my eyes and tell me what you see" bullshit! I wear girdle and baba helps me zip it up. Life happens. Baba how do I look, instead of baba to say, oh, you look beautiful, baba will say, see this woman, you think you are 16. That's all the compliment I need.

Life has taken over. You've only been married 4/5 years. You have only just started. You need to create love, define love and make it meaningful to you. All those expectations of marriage, somebody lied. Welcome to forever

Did you say no sex for the past 3 years? That statement makes your story seem fake. You are in a a marriage and you are not having sex for the past three years? What is your husband saying about that? How do you two dispense sexual urges. Perhaps you are getting it from a man out there and he is also being served by another woman outside. The two of you should stop deceiving each other.

Clear advice. Tell your husband how you feel and advise him to go and marry another woman while you quit the marriage.

Girlwhocares:
Please help me, I'm loosing my sanity everyday!
I'm scared to open up to friends and families because of what they will think or how disappointed or bad I will make them feel, also I'm afraid people will be judgemental about my actions.

I'm not physically and emotional connected with my husband which is affecting our marriage and my well-being, we live as co-tenant, we hardly have any conversation, we do things differently, we share different rooms, no sex for the past 3 years! Even during courtship and the fist two years of marriage I can account for days we were intimate.

Things are fallen out of place everyday, we have a child together who will be 4yrs and the thought of having another child has not crossed my mind.

I get irritated at everything, I hardly show appreciation towards him even if it means he has done his best, which later i will find myself guilty and try to make up but the spark and connection isn't just there.

Most times, I have a non-challant attitude towards him and everything he does to make me happy.

I feel lonely, bored and incomplete even when I'm 90% sure my husband loves me and always ready to make me happy.

I feel awkward communicating my feelings and thoughts to him because I know I might flare up with anger even when he hasn't done or said anything to warrant it.

Please I have come to this faceless forum to pour out my mind, my heart is heavy, I need someone to talk to, I'm afraid my personal intention of walking out this marriage even when my husband hasn't done anything to deserve this might backfire and has its negative effect on our child.

I honestly don't need anyone to insult me please as I'm going through a lot. All i need is mature married wo(men) opinions

Thank you for your time.

Sunnydays:
You needed mature advice from a married woman, well here it is: work on it! Love is a decision. Begin a romantic affair with each other. Send dirty jokes and texts to each other. Try and become more playful with each other. Make jokes, watch funny movies, share the same room, kiss in the living room. Go out together without your children. Save this response; there is a big chance that you'll come to regret it, if you continue like this. He may get fed-up with living a life without love and find someone else. You said he tries to please you. Ask him what will please him too and try. Don't expect love to just happen. Ignite an ember and fan the flames. Work on your marriage o. Work on it
[q

Thank you my dear. The naive woman thinks love will drop from the sky and straight into her heart. It's work, one has to create it in their mind.

[color=#006600][/color]well madam, I serious feel for you. the issues on ground can only be addressed and solved by you. As you have said, your husband is a very loving man, let me be sincere with you ,he's feeling the same towards your attitude but man possess strong coping mechanism than women ,thats why he's still with you.
if you ever discuss or make any effort for separation or divorce ,he will celebrate it after you.seek solution while you are still with him. All what you need in your type of man he still with him, you just need to work on yourself .
Your 15yrs ex boyfriend can never marry you except you get pregnant or you both involved in some spiritual covenant with him. I'm a man and I know what I'm talking about, we(men)tend to gain more in long courtship than women.it may appear to you that he was pained when you left him to married another man but he was more than happy that you left but he will just painted to you he was heart broken and devastated but deeply he was happy.
Your parent go extra mile to decided you can't marry him, they can't tell you everything but just to come with excuses you founded not genuine.
My sister,forget past there is no future in the past,from your post, your man is still very good for you. live in the presence with him, ignite those things ,love him more .
May Almighty God restore the love and happiness you desires. [b]well madam, I serious feel for you. the issues on ground can only be addressed and solved by you. As you have said, your husband is a very loving man, let me be sincere with you ,he's feeling the same towards your attitude but man possess strong coping mechanism than women ,thats why he's still with you.
if you ever discuss or make any effort for separation or divorce ,he will celebrate it after you.seek solution while you are still with him. All what you need in your type of man he still with him, you just need to work on yourself .
Your 15yrs ex boyfriend can never marry you except you get pregnant or you both involved in some spiritual covenant with him. I'm a man and I know what I'm talking about, we(men)tend to gain more in long courtship than women.it may appear to you that he was pained when you left him to married another man but he was more than happy that you left but he will just painted to you he was heart broken and devastated but deeply he was happy.
Your parent go extra mile to decided you can't marry him, they can't tell you everything but just to come with excuses you founded not genuine.
My sister,forget past there is no future in the past,from your post, your man is still very good for you. live in the presence with him, ignite those things ,love him more .
May Almighty God restore the love and happiness you desires. [/b]well madam, I serious feel for you. the issues on ground can only be addressed and solved by you. As you have said, your husband is a very loving man, let me be sincere with you ,he's feeling the same towards your attitude but man possess strong coping mechanism than women ,thats why he's still with you.
if you ever discuss or make any effort for separation or divorce ,he will celebrate it after you.seek solution while you are still with him. All what you need in your type of man he still with him, you just need to work on yourself .
Your 15yrs ex boyfriend can never marry you except you get pregnant or you both involved in some spiritual covenant with him. I'm a man and I know what I'm talking about, we(men)tend to gain more in long courtship than women.it may appear to you that he was pained when you left him to married another man but he was more than happy that you left but he will just painted to you he was heart broken and devastated but deeply he was happy.
Your parent go extra mile to decided you can't marry him, they can't tell you everything but just to come with excuses you founded not genuine.
My sister,forget past there is no future in the past,from your post, your man is still very good for you. live in the presence with him, ignite those things ,love him more .
May Almighty God restore the love and happiness you desires.

ityP:
Zinny25, this clearly explains what love is and how a wise individual makes his or her marriage work

it would be difficult to respect a man I don't love

ityP:



Love is based on knowledge and choice. I might not be attracted to someone, but if I get married to the person and I see how wonderful a person she is, love don start be that. I then make a conscious choice to stick. It doesn't matter who I get married to. As long as she doesn't have serious character flaws, I MUST love her. That's the mentality people should have going into marriage. OP clearly doesn't want to love her husband, it's not that she doesn't love him. When she sees marriage in this light, she would stick and make her marriage a success. And she would be happy too

it doesn't work for everyone... I can't respect a man I don't love, I won't even appreciate what you are doing. I won't even let you touch me. I'll feel irritated, I'll only pity you not love you. there should be love from both parties. I can't marry a man I don't love E.O.D.

There are some questions you ask a lady before getting married to her. Why will I get married to a girl who dated a guy for 15 years. The ex will always have her mumu-button.

Always make inquiry about the past relationship of your woman before saying I do, find out how long they dated and what resulted to their breakup.

Nnemuka:
So how do u get married to someone you are not attracted to ?

Because he treats her right.

ityP:



This marriage is dead and gone to the grave. Nothing can revive it. Plus, sometimes, ladies pretend like they're really into you. The husband may never have known that she didn't wanna marry him

Nothing is Impossible! It can be worked to life again if the lady is willing and open to it. And yes, I agree, ladies could be very pretentious.

pls chat me on WhatsApp. 08064742665

two things are involved, it's either u are cheating or 've cheated on him, Dear married op, whoever you are cheating with Will never trust u, even if he loves u die,cos d person knows if u divorce ur husband and marry you, he will 've the conviction that d percentage of u cheating on him is 100%, love your husband and stop comparing him with your old/ New secrete lover giving hopeless hope.

somebody needs advice on how to better her life and marriage,you are here spewing thrash..are u even married at all??

healthserve:




Evil wicked bitter soul. Why not divorce and go with your side fvck mates than subject a human to your witchcraft

madam....i feel you...but note something,until you leave this earth hope isnt lost,you can keep trying...i will be by Gods grace be celebrating my 4th year wedding anniversary this week and trust me it hasnt been easy,the lady i married wasnt my original choice,it was somewhat of a rebound...i thought i was over drained from my previous relationship and hence felt i couldnt commit to love again,long story short,i have learned to trust God and by his grace our love has evolved,and i believe it will get better....
Eph 5:22 says [b][/b]wives submit, while in vv 25 it says husbands love your wives...allow your husband love you,and you submit to him...
your marriage isnt an abusive one i guess,so the idea of divorce shouldnt creep in...i learned before i got married that marriage is an empty box where both couples fill with what they desire...
finally your Ex is gone,you have made vows to another...honor those vows to the letter,because this too shall pass...do not do what you will regret forever...like my pastor will always say..."you may get what you want,but you may not like what you have gotten" prayerfully seek God and you will surely get an answer...God bless you...

Zinny25:
it doesn't work for everyone... I can't respect a man I don't love, I won't even appreciate what you are doing. I won't even let you touch me. I'll feel irritated, I'll only pity you not love you. there should be love from both parties. I can't marry a man I don't love E.O.D.

The so called love will def cool off; not may. When it does, you would get a divorce

Zinny25:
it doesn't work for everyone... I can't respect a man I don't love, I won't even appreciate what you are doing. I won't even let you touch me. I'll feel irritated, I'll only pity you not love you. there should be love from both parties. I can't marry a man I don't love E.O.D.

you can't talk about love in isolation. You must associate it with such things as beauty, kindness, intelligence, passion, etc. So, you may be right if you say 'I can't fall in love with a stingy man' or 'I don't love him because he's too ugly' for example, which is understandable. That way, when you marry your ideal man, the chances of falling out of love will be small.

The problem is that people think love just happens and that what brings it about is inexplicable. Thats stupidity.

That said, a good person will stick to his/her spouse even if those attractive qualities change, especially, if this is no fault of their spouse , and try to make it work. And, trust me, they always change, nothing is certain in this life. Thats probably why your church pastors make you take those oaths on your wedding day.

ityP:


His words are not entirely out of place. If she has any little concern for that husband, the right thing she should do is call for a divorce.

Stop being silly. She can pray to make it work first before ending it. Ending it would be the last resort.

sim37:
two things are involved, it's either u are cheating or 've cheated on him, Dear married op, whoever you are cheating with Will never trust u, even if he loves u die,cos d person knows if u divorce ur husband and marry you, he will 've the conviction that d percentage of u cheating on him is 100%, love your husband and stop comparing him with your old/ New secrete lover giving hopeless hope.

This is how people fail exam. Her underlying question is how to make her marriage work.
You have falsely assumed she is cheating...except you are the one she is cheating with.
You need to read again and again until you understand the passage.

knowyaself2:


you can't talk about love in isolation. You must associate it with such things as beauty, kindness, intelligence, passion, etc. So, you may be right if you say 'I can't fall in love with a stingy man' or 'I don't love him because he's too ugly' for example, which is understandable. That way, when you marry your ideal man, the chances of falling out of love will be small.

The problem is that people think love just happens and that what brings it about is inexplicable. Thats stupidity.

That said, a good person will stick to his/her spouse even if those attractive qualities change, especially, if this is no fault of their spouse , and try to make it work. And, trust me, they always change, nothing is certain in this life. Thats probably why your church pastors make you take those oaths on your wedding day.

your first paragraph explains everything, truly something should make me love someone,when I don't find any, how am I supposed to Love

katyamizotta:


Stop being silly. She can pray to make it work first before ending it. Ending it would be the last resort.

Heaven help those who help themselves. She doesn't want that marriage to work and it's so glaring. Why waste the man's precious time? Na the man I blame sha

katyamizotta:


This is how people fail exam. Her underlying question is how to make her marriage work.
You have falsely assumed she is cheating...except you are the one she is cheating with.
You need to read again and again until you understand the passage.

Na you fail this exams o. Cos the answer to her question is simple: STOP CHEATING. If you read between the lines, you'd realize the real problem here is that she's knacking her ex or some other guy. No married woman leaving with her husband can stay 3 years without sex and not cheat, not when she has an ex she was in a 15-year relationship with. Think!