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Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S - Romance (10) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Romance / Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S (75292 Views)

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Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by ssegs5(m): 2:56am On Apr 11
fatymore:
both

Omo-iya I just dey feel u, keep shooting.
A close mouth is a close what...? Na bible talk am


To let
4 bedroom duplex with modern facilities and well furnished at opposite Taska filling station off akala expressway in Ibadan, oyo state.
Price is 2M
Note: it is well furnished, kitchen equipments and AC in every room.

2 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Blessedolamide: 3:19am On Apr 11
Crispels:
I have gone through this thread https://www.nairaland.com/5782313/chai-nigerian-girls-canada-lonely/5 , its comments and the response it got from a Nigerian -Canadian lady. I was able to relate to so many of them - being a Nigerian student in the United States. Hence, the need to give my perspective.


(1). ALMOST ALL “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” IMMIGRANTS ARE LONELY

Contrary to the perception that was created on the other thread that Nigerian ladies in Canada are lonely, loneliness knows no sex. It hits both men and women - particularly those who are fresh immigrants.


(2). MANY NIGERIAN GIRLS ABROAD SET UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS(THE KIND OF GUY THEY WANT)AT A YOUNG AGE.

I have met with several Nigerian - American girls here and even international students who came from Nigeria. In the course of my interactions with them, I noticed a pattern of behavior, most of the Nigerian girls(both Nigerian - Americans and Nigerian foreign students) who are below the age of 24 always have an ‘image’ of the guy they want. Many(do take note that my choice of words are MANY/MOST and not ALL) of them will always tell you that “he has to be very handsome, rich, tall, sociable (which could also mean a party freak/a guy who loves binge drinking). They will also tell you that he has to be responsible, and many more, according to them”. When you however delineate all of these requirements, you will realize that they are unrealistic. It is hard to find a guy who possesses all of these qualities at the same time - and even when you luckily get to meet one of such- the reality could be: he is already in a relationship, he does not like you or there is no connection between the two of you.

More so, expecting a Nigerian guy(particularly a foreign student) to have it all figured out( be rich, handsome, sociable, this and that) at the age of 22 is insane.

Many of these girls continue to view guys from this prism of expectations until when they clock 25years plus and reality begins to set in. They will now start realizing that their initial expectations are not logical. They will discover that the rich, tall, sociable and handsome guy they wanted at the age of 20 could be a cheater while the struggling guy who they looked down on during their Junior year in college could now be earning 7figures - just three years after they looked down on him. Life is a process and we all are still growing. It is better to look out for potentials, hunger for success, drive and discipline instead of creating unrealistic checklists at a young age. Many of these girls(and even guys) set their expectations based on what they see on social media - ignoring the fact that the reality of Davido and Chioma or Beyoncé and Jay Z is unlikely to be your own reality. By the time many people realize life does not work according to certain checklists, they would have lost some years and funny enough - the guy or girl they probably looked down on earlier could now be their dream partner albeit too late.

(3). THE AVERAGE NIGERIAN ABROAD PREFERS TO MARRY A FELLOW NIGERIAN BUT THINGS SOMETIMES CHANGE DUE TO HURTFUL EXPERIENCES


When I first arrived in the United States, it was easier for me to interact with Oyinbo girls than most Nigerian-American/Nigerian girls. Most(not all) of the Nigerian girls I met here were so evasive and arrogant then. This was a time I needed a lot of help - in terms of settling down, making new friends, staying connected to my roots and stuff like that. I never even thought of dating anyone then - I just wanted good friends in a foreign land but many of the feedback I got made it seem as if I was trying to “shoot a shot” and I should stay off them. In fact, on many occasions, it’s either my messages(some as innocent as: “Hello, please, which of these stores is the most reliable grocery store in this neighborhood)”? or my greetings were ignored or I was completely ghosted. Some of them even described me as a “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” guy who they don’t want to be friends with.
I found it somewhat sad because many of these privileged Nigerian kids are children of Nigerian immigrants who were also once foreign students that even worked as cleaners, drivers and the likes when they first arrived in the US before they eventually settled down to become Doctors, Engineers, Businessmen, etc. So, watching some of their kids act cocky towards a ”newly arrived Nigerian” was sad - because the struggles he/she is facing now were what their parents faced 20-30 years ago. While I was struggling to settle down, I got more support from foreigners - there were Americans who took me to different stores, taught me how to use the city transportation system, how to save cost and adjust to the American society and system. These were some of the forms of support I needed from my Nigerian sisters(NOTE : over 98% of the Nigerians I saw upon resumption are females).

On the other hand, there were girls from North African countries and other parts of the world who love Nigerian guys die. Kudos to our music industry: many foreigners love/rate Nigerian guys due to our afro beat artistes and our love for dance/faajii, big weddings and surprisingly - the way we treat our women. These foreign babes bought me unsolicited gifts and offered to pay for my food(which I stubbornly refused) on numerous occasions. In fact, there was an American friend that unsolicitedly cooked for me during Thanksgiving period - she cooked it in her family house, drove down to my apartment and gave it to me. Thus, if I was so desperate to date anyone at that time, it would definitely have been a foreigner.

Yet, I continued to love and support my Nigerian sisters and the Nigerian community. In fact, deep inside of me, I continued to convince myself that when the time is right - I would rather date and marry a Nigerian girl as opposed to any other nationality. This was despite the fact that I was friends with just only one Nigerian(she’s Nigerian - American) girl at that time - who was already dating a Caribbean guy and I was equally not even searching for a girlfriend at that time.

The reality here is: most guys are not that patient to wait for a Nigerian babe or tolerate such hurtful experiences. Many would have gone for the Oyinbo girls or any other foreigner who treated them nicely even if they had planned to date a Nigerian ab initio.

(4). WE SHOULD ALL BE REALISTIC AND STAY TRUE TO OURSELVES.

Looking for ready made girls or guys at a young age is one of the major reasons behind loneliness among Nigerians in the diaspora. The fact that a guy or a girl just arrived the US/Canada(to study) from Lagos or Onitsha today - with a heavy accent, awkward dressing, low bank account balance, etc... does not mean he cannot be as smart, sociable, and successful as Obama in a few years. If there is one thing I know about we Nigerians, it’s that: virtually all of us have great potentials and we desire greatness in life. We are very ambitious and we are willing to give all it takes to achieve our dreams - howbeit the stifling environment in Naija is usually a great hindrance to our successes. Nevertheless, we are all in the process of becoming who we hope to be. Thus, while we endure this process: why can’t we all just be realistic, support each other to be better individuals, achieve phenomenal successes together and serve as a beacon of hope to those who look up to us back home in Nigeria?
[/b]Why must we make major life decisions like relationships based on mostly unrealistic checklists when we both can evolve together to meet the desires of our heart and soul? [b]
We should not focus on what only pleases our eyes but what satisfies our heart and soul - that is what makes long lasting relationships. Beauty will fade. Money will fail at some point but what will make it last, forever is: character, strength, discipline and love of God.

[/b]Eventually, most of the girls who treated me badly when I first arrived here later wanted us to be friends after they read, saw or heard some things about me. While I will forever love my Nigerian sisters, coalescing around guys only when they look like what you want should not be so. Life does not work that way. Anybody could rise! There are potentials in every corner of the world. What people need are opportunities and when these opportunities meet potentials, preparations, hard work and the grace of God - greatness is inevitable.[b]

As Nigerian men abroad, we must love and respect our women. We must treat them as priorities - come what may! We must also support and cherish them because they embody our beauty, greatness and strength. Our Nigerian sisters must also realize that Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge was not built in a day - it took years of efforts, investments and transformation for it to become the darling of our Nollywood movies. In other words, that a guy does not entirely look like it today does not mean he will never get there. So far he has the potentials, he can even be more - with time and hard work, he can be way more than your unrealistic checklist. Can we now start looking at the heart and not the checklist?

This O.P writes from +1412, United States of America.
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 3:31am On Apr 11
HappyNigerian:


[s][/s]
Nonsense post! Because you are in America you now think their matriarchal society that has never worked for them is better than the society that God and nature bestowed on mankind that has proven to work for us? Nonsense again
.
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Kolping: 3:31am On Apr 11
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Kolping: 3:32am On Apr 11
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by einsteino(m): 3:33am On Apr 11
safarigirl:
exactly.

Female help, preferably someone in her forties. Comes in the morning, just after everyone leaves for work, leaves within hours, before everyone is back.

Some people hire cleaning companies to do their chores while they are away. So many things that can be made easier, are unnecessarily made complicated.

Couples that should be spending scarce time, to enjoy each other's company, especially when kids are in the mix, will be using it to argue who sweep, who no sweep, who go cook, who no gocook. By the end of the day, everyone is exhausted, when will such a couple spend quality time? In their dreams?

Marriages are becoming strained because priorities are being messed up, little things are getting so much unnecessary attention, while important stuff is ignored

In the diaspora, one can hardly afford any sort of help. So unless you plan on living in Nigeria, or would be a multi millionaire in dollars, it would be unlikely that anyone but you and your spouse would do the chores. The reason why having domestic help is a thing in Nigeria is because they are paid poorly. In the diaspora an on call maid or driver would very easily earn $2k to $4k a month. Live in maids cost so much more that only the real rich can even consider having one.

The good thing is that tech has eased house chores. So much of the chores we spend time on in Naija, are automated in the diaspora.

4 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by iwriterng(m): 3:36am On Apr 11
What I love most about your post is the point about Nigerian-American girls (kids whose their parent immigrated to the US ), these caliber of people are so proud, they treat US ("Fresh off the boat"wink like we don't deserve to be in "Their" country. Happened to me a couple of times, even since then, I started ignoring them. My consolation is that; what I am trying to build right now, your father did the same thing a few years ago, and we're not mates because you're getting the privilege for free.

15 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 3:37am On Apr 11
anonymous1759:




I don't support that kitchen aspect. We can't do the cooking 50/50. I can support but it's not my responsibility to cook as a man . I stand with my African culture.
. The end

2 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 3:40am On Apr 11
EVILFOREST:

My BROTHER I tire ooooo.
Although it's a serious issue but not more serious than issues in Nigeria.

The BEST ADVICE:
In the US remains

MARRY or CLEAVE to the Lady that loves and cherishes you more than you love her.
When you marry her, you will realize your love for her will increase to surpass hers 4u.
Try it and Call me back.
With her you are almost out of all FEMINISTIC TROUBLES in the US.


The Moment police arrives here na the MAN dem dey pick.
Next, you are HOMELESS.

BUT the LADY that LOVES U, will almost never try such.
Because for the US here, LADIES mouth sharp ooooo and money full their bank account.
African Ladies dey learn naaa grin grin grin
I wish we would listen. Marry who loves you more and who cares about the family values more than her appearance to the society.

Hey, bw, you met your woman in US or here in Nigeria?

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 3:42am On Apr 11
uuzba:

Lonely people making noise

I studied overseas as well. It didn't take 1 month for me to notice the extreme loneliness.
By 5 months, nothing was funny again
I kept in touch with my Nigerian girlfriend. She didn't understand anything yet
She got scholarship and also came overseas. She sef saw the loneliness.
Na 2 of us wan finish the whole Skype everyday.
When pepper refused to rest, we informed our parents and friends, did marriage course, went to church and married.
Nobody in the whole overseas could be a friend to me and her.
We carried ourselves and returned to Nigeria.

Leave Oyibo and their wierd loneliness culture.

5 Likes 1 Share

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by HeavenlyCherub(f): 3:43am On Apr 11
Jupiter7:


Just to add to what you have said; Nigerian american ladies, I am not discouraging you from dating Nigerian men because there are good Nigerian males out there. But you need to be on alert while dating the bad ones so you don't fall victim to the common thing trending right now. There is this colourless fattening pill some bad guys now use to make their wives oversize, they sneak it into ya food. Be kiaful.

Why do they do this?

2 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by EgunMogaji2: 3:44am On Apr 11
This is something that I’ve never really thought about until I read this post.

In 33 years in the US I never dated any Nigerian. Looking back at it, similarly to what the OP wrote, the initial off putting behaviors from Nigerians during my school days just put a bad taste in my mouth which I never recovered from I guess.

Now, I’m not saying Nigerians are bad but I think that there’s a huge societal difference between male and female immigrants. I could be wrong.

I also always lived in upper middle class communities.

7 Likes 1 Share

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by RuudVanNisteroy: 3:45am On Apr 11
iwriterng:
What I love most about your post is the point about Nigerian-American girls (kids whose their parent immigrated to the US ), these caliber of people are so proud, they treat US ("Fresh off the boat"wink like we don't deserve to be in "Their" country. Happened to me a couple of times, even since then, I started ignoring them. My consolation is that; what I am trying to build right now, your father did the same thing a few years ago, and we're not mates because you're getting the privilege for free.

They treat new immigrants how their parents were first treated when they first moved decades ago.

4 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 3:45am On Apr 11
uuzba:


I spoke to my friend in US. He's married to a Nigerian paper girl. So he's a citizen like her.
Regardless, guy still said he will return to Nigeria, go to his village and build house because his children must know where they come from.

Do you know that ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE and ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE in America, cannot do this? They know they are strangers to America but they cannot trace their village. So they just live anywhere they like in the whole America.

Do you know how jealous they are of you when they discover you have a place called HOME that you can return to? And they don't have?

That's why they drink and Fu*k and behave anyhow they like.
Word sir. I agree.

1 Like

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 3:47am On Apr 11
grin
ODB2:


I keep saying that if you can not man-up in Nigeria you can never be a man anywhere in this universe.

I speak my heavy 9ja ascents to Oyibos and they have to keep asking me to pardon them.

What the stupid OP doesn't know is that oyibos will only respect you when you hold your ground and carry your head up.

White Americans do not need you to be another nigger. They know all about niggers in America, from the ghetto to the house nigger types. What they want to know by interacting with you is your Nigerianess [sic].

You are intriguing alone as an African to them. They naturally will flock to you to get to know and understand where you are coming from and who you are.

These inferior goat of an OP showed his low self-esteem from the very first paragraph by stating how he was snobbed by other Nigerian girls. Does he think him being a Nigerian makes it mandatory for every other Nigerian to nurse him? The very thing he is condemning Nigerian girls is what he was promoting with his nonsense equality b.s.

I fck all these white feminazi girls when I am in the US and they are the ones that shout DADDY FCK ME!

Nonsense.

grin grin grin grin grin grin

2 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by EgunMogaji2: 3:50am On Apr 11
ssegs5:


Omo-iya I just dey feel u, keep shooting.
A close mouth is a close what...? Na bible talk am


To let
4 bedroom duplex with modern facilities and well furnished at opposite Taska filling station off akala expressway in Ibadan, oyo state.
Price is 2M
Note: it is well furnished, kitchen equipments and AC in every room.

N2M per year is the rent?

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by DozieInc(m): 3:52am On Apr 11
@Crispels; thank you for this very educating and interesting post. They say you stand on the shoulders of the wise to see far. I have learned alot.

HeavenlyCherub: Thank you for sharing your experience, it indeed gave me a perspective of things.
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 3:57am On Apr 11
SocialJustice:
Lol, support in the kitchen indeed. Patriarchy is a really fancy word. If she can't cook she should say so, don't expect me to wash plate or do any crazy shore. Why won't it be like that when men instead of supporting their wives to succeed while she takes care of him, instead try to make her cook, cleaner and still expect her to carry on financial responsibilities. Some guys are just shameless.

I intend to marry a white lady when I find the chance and finance to run my post graduate degrees. No woman should expect me to assist her in the kitchen unless it is to eat. It is her exclusive duty to cook for me, if she's too tired to then she can chill and shouldn't cook under duress. She's not my 50:50 partner. I am the head of the union and she's there to help the head succeed while the head provides protection.

This 50:50 partnership is the reason Western societies are so dysfunctional at the family unit.

Everybody should practise what works best for them. My wife can't be my 50:50 partner and I don't even have to say it for her to know. If she's not cool with it while we're dating, she can move on.
Words on marble sir.

4 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Ca4real: 3:57am On Apr 11
Crispels:
I have gone through this thread https://www.nairaland.com/5782313/chai-nigerian-girls-canada-lonely/5 , its comments and the response it got from a Nigerian -Canadian lady. I was able to relate to so many of them - being a Nigerian student in the United States. Hence, the need to give my perspective.


(1). ALMOST ALL “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” IMMIGRANTS ARE LONELY

Contrary to the perception that was created on the other thread that Nigerian ladies in Canada are lonely, loneliness knows no sex. It hits both men and women - particularly those who are fresh immigrants.


(2). MANY NIGERIAN GIRLS ABROAD SET UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS(THE KIND OF GUY THEY WANT)AT A YOUNG AGE.

I have met with several Nigerian - American girls here and even international students who came from Nigeria. In the course of my interactions with them, I noticed a pattern of behavior, most of the Nigerian girls(both Nigerian - Americans and Nigerian foreign students) who are below the age of 24 always have an ‘image’ of the guy they want. Many(do take note that my choice of words are MANY/MOST and not ALL) of them will always tell you that “he has to be very handsome, rich, tall, sociable (which could also mean a party freak/a guy who loves binge drinking). They will also tell you that he has to be responsible, and many more, according to them”. When you however delineate all of these requirements, you will realize that they are unrealistic. It is hard to find a guy who possesses all of these qualities at the same time - and even when you luckily get to meet one of such- the reality could be: he is already in a relationship, he does not like you or there is no connection between the two of you.

More so, expecting a Nigerian guy(particularly a foreign student) to have it all figured out( be rich, handsome, sociable, this and that) at the age of 22 is insane.

Many of these girls continue to view guys from this prism of expectations until when they clock 25years plus and reality begins to set in. They will now start realizing that their initial expectations are not logical. They will discover that the rich, tall, sociable and handsome guy they wanted at the age of 20 could be a cheater while the struggling guy who they looked down on during their Junior year in college could now be earning 7figures - just three years after they looked down on him. Life is a process and we all are still growing. It is better to look out for potentials, hunger for success, drive and discipline instead of creating unrealistic checklists at a young age. Many of these girls(and even guys) set their expectations based on what they see on social media - ignoring the fact that the reality of Davido and Chioma or Beyoncé and Jay Z is unlikely to be your own reality. By the time many people realize life does not work according to certain checklists, they would have lost some years and funny enough - the guy or girl they probably looked down on earlier could now be their dream partner albeit too late.

(3). THE AVERAGE NIGERIAN ABROAD PREFERS TO MARRY A FELLOW NIGERIAN BUT THINGS SOMETIMES CHANGE DUE TO HURTFUL EXPERIENCES


When I first arrived in the United States, it was easier for me to interact with Oyinbo girls than most Nigerian-American/Nigerian girls. Most(not all) of the Nigerian girls I met here were so evasive and arrogant then. This was a time I needed a lot of help - in terms of settling down, making new friends, staying connected to my roots and stuff like that. I never even thought of dating anyone then - I just wanted good friends in a foreign land but many of the feedback I got made it seem as if I was trying to “shoot a shot” and I should stay off them. In fact, on many occasions, it’s either my messages(some as innocent as: “Hello, please, which of these stores is the most reliable grocery store in this neighborhood)”? or my greetings were ignored or I was completely ghosted. Some of them even described me as a “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” guy who they don’t want to be friends with.
I found it somewhat sad because many of these privileged Nigerian kids are children of Nigerian immigrants who were also once foreign students that even worked as cleaners, drivers and the likes when they first arrived in the US before they eventually settled down to become Doctors, Engineers, Businessmen, etc. So, watching some of their kids act cocky towards a ”newly arrived Nigerian” was sad - because the struggles he/she is facing now were what their parents faced 20-30 years ago. While I was struggling to settle down, I got more support from foreigners - there were Americans who took me to different stores, taught me how to use the city transportation system, how to save cost and adjust to the American society and system. These were some of the forms of support I needed from my Nigerian sisters(NOTE : over 98% of the Nigerians I saw upon resumption are females).

On the other hand, there were girls from North African countries and other parts of the world who love Nigerian guys die. Kudos to our music industry: many foreigners love/rate Nigerian guys due to our afro beat artistes and our love for dance/faajii, big weddings and surprisingly - the way we treat our women. These foreign babes bought me unsolicited gifts and offered to pay for my food(which I stubbornly refused) on numerous occasions. In fact, there was an American friend that unsolicitedly cooked for me during Thanksgiving period - she cooked it in her family house, drove down to my apartment and gave it to me. Thus, if I was so desperate to date anyone at that time, it would definitely have been a foreigner.

Yet, I continued to love and support my Nigerian sisters and the Nigerian community. In fact, deep inside of me, I continued to convince myself that when the time is right - I would rather date and marry a Nigerian girl as opposed to any other nationality. This was despite the fact that I was friends with just only one Nigerian(she’s Nigerian - American) girl at that time - who was already dating a Caribbean guy and I was equally not even searching for a girlfriend at that time.

The reality here is: most guys are not that patient to wait for a Nigerian babe or tolerate such hurtful experiences. Many would have gone for the Oyinbo girls or any other foreigner who treated them nicely even if they had planned to date a Nigerian ab initio.

(4). WE SHOULD ALL BE REALISTIC AND STAY TRUE TO OURSELVES.

Looking for ready made girls or guys at a young age is one of the major reasons behind loneliness among Nigerians in the diaspora. The fact that a guy or a girl just arrived the US/Canada(to study) from Lagos or Onitsha today - with a heavy accent, awkward dressing, low bank account balance, etc... does not mean he cannot be as smart, sociable, and successful as Obama in a few years. If there is one thing I know about we Nigerians, it’s that: virtually all of us have great potentials and we desire greatness in life. We are very ambitious and we are willing to give all it takes to achieve our dreams - howbeit the stifling environment in Naija is usually a great hindrance to our successes. Nevertheless, we are all in the process of becoming who we hope to be. Thus, while we endure this process: why can’t we all just be realistic, support each other to be better individuals, achieve phenomenal successes together and serve as a beacon of hope to those who look up to us back home in Nigeria?
[/b]Why must we make major life decisions like relationships based on mostly unrealistic checklists when we both can evolve together to meet the desires of our heart and soul? [b]
We should not focus on what only pleases our eyes but what satisfies our heart and soul - that is what makes long lasting relationships. Beauty will fade. Money will fail at some point but what will make it last, forever is: character, strength, discipline and love of God.

[/b]Eventually, most of the girls who treated me badly when I first arrived here later wanted us to be friends after they read, saw or heard some things about me. While I will forever love my Nigerian sisters, coalescing around guys only when they look like what you want should not be so. Life does not work that way. Anybody could rise! There are potentials in every corner of the world. What people need are opportunities and when these opportunities meet potentials, preparations, hard work and the grace of God - greatness is inevitable.[b]

As Nigerian men abroad, we must love and respect our women. We must treat them as priorities - come what may! We must also support and cherish them because they embody our beauty, greatness and strength. Our Nigerian sisters must also realize that Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge was not built in a day - it took years of efforts, investments and transformation for it to become the darling of our Nollywood movies. In other words, that a guy does not entirely look like it today does not mean he will never get there. So far he has the potentials, he can even be more - with time and hard work, he can be way more than your unrealistic checklist. Can we now start looking at the heart and not the checklist?

This O.P writes from +1412, United States of America.

Thanks for this masterpiece

1 Like

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by flyingdutchman(m): 3:58am On Apr 11
Crispels:


Lol. No vex. I’m only trying to share my experience. I know a lot of people will find it helpful. I also found the previous threads helpful - so I decided to also add to the conversation.
Found it educative.

1 Like

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Archie30: 4:00am On Apr 11
Marriage is huge. It's life time. It's everything really. It's sacred. It's massive hard work and sacrifice. If you ain't ready to constantly embrace and work on sustaining your marriage and relationship then there's a big problem. The OP said everything but tried to take away what makes us unique as Nigerians. And that's culture. I'm half Nigerian by the way. But what we Nigerians bring to the table is simply outstanding. As much as we want to properly integrate and be part of western community where we live please do not lose your identity.

My mum still cooks for my dad, she does that with pride. My dad is still the one who looks out to double check everything is ok. The values inherent in our culture, african culture is golden. The truth is the west doesn't ve them. Why should we come here n want to lose that just to blend and be Americans or British etc. My advise to Nigerian women is to be true to your identity cos you re all beautiful and admired. Treat your men with genuine respect. Nigerians work hard and the guys do a lot for their family. Keep it in the family and help your men become better boyfriends and husbands. Feminism is lovely thing, it's still not properly defined and laid out even in western paradigm. We as Africans should first find where this concept fits into our core values and development as a people before championing it.

My point is don't forget your root and where u originally come from. For me I find Nigerian women super attractive, imaginative and adoring. Let's bring our strength to the world not weakness. The way your mum and dad knew it suprisingly is still very valid .
kazyhm:


The first thread is the reflection of the actual reality of Nigerian female home and abroad.....the fact is that; things have really changed....Nigerian men have always been responsive, responsible and committed but our women are becoming more entitled crazy, they want what they can offer themselves......

From personal experience with ladies in Nigeria and abroad (Canada precisely).....that why I understand what the first thread was talking about even beyond the text......but trust Nigerian women.....always defensive


The truth is both genders in Nigeria always compare and contract what they have/situations to their perception from foreign movies........a system that is bias to marriage.......foreign TV programs is what is driving us mad in Nigeria.....hence the disappointment to our mental expectations.

The Nigerian women are judgemental, rude, entitled, don't want to do anything for any guy, those that do must be sure you're up to a certain standard, to top it up, they perform below expectations, they give less value of what you invest in them and still be entitled on your aspiration.......on the other hand, Nigeria men also see what other foreign women does to their men as well.....

The fear of Nigerian men is that.....considering our cultural expectations for men to be responsibility for everything from start to finish in a relationship to Nigerian women....if we allow all the overseas law that support women against men........our society will become a disaster.

Nigerian men cooks, clean, wash dishes, pet kids even for a complete full house wife.....

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Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 4:04am On Apr 11
missimelda01:


True, one party is always trying to outsmart the other. I don't know how it all went wrong sad

Love is beautiful.
.
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by XshegzzyeeiX(m): 4:05am On Apr 11
Crispels:
I have gone through this thread https://www.nairaland.com/5782313/chai-nigerian-girls-canada-lonely/5 , its comments and the response it got from a Nigerian -Canadian lady. I was able to relate to so many of them - being a Nigerian student in the United States. Hence, the need to give my perspective.


(1). ALMOST ALL “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” IMMIGRANTS ARE LONELY

Contrary to the perception that was created on the other thread that Nigerian ladies in Canada are lonely, loneliness knows no sex. It hits both men and women - particularly those who are fresh immigrants.


(2). MANY NIGERIAN GIRLS ABROAD SET UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS(THE KIND OF GUY THEY WANT)AT A YOUNG AGE.

I have met with several Nigerian - American girls here and even international students who came from Nigeria. In the course of my interactions with them, I noticed a pattern of behavior, most of the Nigerian girls(both Nigerian - Americans and Nigerian foreign students) who are below the age of 24 always have an ‘image’ of the guy they want. Many(do take note that my choice of words are MANY/MOST and not ALL) of them will always tell you that “he has to be very handsome, rich, tall, sociable (which could also mean a party freak/a guy who loves binge drinking). They will also tell you that he has to be responsible, and many more, according to them”. When you however delineate all of these requirements, you will realize that they are unrealistic. It is hard to find a guy who possesses all of these qualities at the same time - and even when you luckily get to meet one of such- the reality could be: he is already in a relationship, he does not like you or there is no connection between the two of you.

More so, expecting a Nigerian guy(particularly a foreign student) to have it all figured out( be rich, handsome, sociable, this and that) at the age of 22 is insane.

Many of these girls continue to view guys from this prism of expectations until when they clock 25years plus and reality begins to set in. They will now start realizing that their initial expectations are not logical. They will discover that the rich, tall, sociable and handsome guy they wanted at the age of 20 could be a cheater while the struggling guy who they looked down on during their Junior year in college could now be earning 7figures - just three years after they looked down on him. Life is a process and we all are still growing. It is better to look out for potentials, hunger for success, drive and discipline instead of creating unrealistic checklists at a young age. Many of these girls(and even guys) set their expectations based on what they see on social media - ignoring the fact that the reality of Davido and Chioma or Beyoncé and Jay Z is unlikely to be your own reality. By the time many people realize life does not work according to certain checklists, they would have lost some years and funny enough - the guy or girl they probably looked down on earlier could now be their dream partner albeit too late.

(3). THE AVERAGE NIGERIAN ABROAD PREFERS TO MARRY A FELLOW NIGERIAN BUT THINGS SOMETIMES CHANGE DUE TO HURTFUL EXPERIENCES


When I first arrived in the United States, it was easier for me to interact with Oyinbo girls than most Nigerian-American/Nigerian girls. Most(not all) of the Nigerian girls I met here were so evasive and arrogant then. This was a time I needed a lot of help - in terms of settling down, making new friends, staying connected to my roots and stuff like that. I never even thought of dating anyone then - I just wanted good friends in a foreign land but many of the feedback I got made it seem as if I was trying to “shoot a shot” and I should stay off them. In fact, on many occasions, it’s either my messages(some as innocent as: “Hello, please, which of these stores is the most reliable grocery store in this neighborhood)”? or my greetings were ignored or I was completely ghosted. Some of them even described me as a “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” guy who they don’t want to be friends with.
I found it somewhat sad because many of these privileged Nigerian kids are children of Nigerian immigrants who were also once foreign students that even worked as cleaners, drivers and the likes when they first arrived in the US before they eventually settled down to become Doctors, Engineers, Businessmen, etc. So, watching some of their kids act cocky towards a ”newly arrived Nigerian” was sad - because the struggles he/she is facing now were what their parents faced 20-30 years ago. While I was struggling to settle down, I got more support from foreigners - there were Americans who took me to different stores, taught me how to use the city transportation system, how to save cost and adjust to the American society and system. These were some of the forms of support I needed from my Nigerian sisters(NOTE : over 98% of the Nigerians I saw upon resumption are females).

On the other hand, there were girls from North African countries and other parts of the world who love Nigerian guys die. Kudos to our music industry: many foreigners love/rate Nigerian guys due to our afro beat artistes and our love for dance/faajii, big weddings and surprisingly - the way we treat our women. These foreign babes bought me unsolicited gifts and offered to pay for my food(which I stubbornly refused) on numerous occasions. In fact, there was an American friend that unsolicitedly cooked for me during Thanksgiving period - she cooked it in her family house, drove down to my apartment and gave it to me. Thus, if I was so desperate to date anyone at that time, it would definitely have been a foreigner.

Yet, I continued to love and support my Nigerian sisters and the Nigerian community. In fact, deep inside of me, I continued to convince myself that when the time is right - I would rather date and marry a Nigerian girl as opposed to any other nationality. This was despite the fact that I was friends with just only one Nigerian(she’s Nigerian - American) girl at that time - who was already dating a Caribbean guy and I was equally not even searching for a girlfriend at that time.

The reality here is: most guys are not that patient to wait for a Nigerian babe or tolerate such hurtful experiences. Many would have gone for the Oyinbo girls or any other foreigner who treated them nicely even if they had planned to date a Nigerian ab initio.

(4). WE SHOULD ALL BE REALISTIC AND STAY TRUE TO OURSELVES.

Looking for ready made girls or guys at a young age is one of the major reasons behind loneliness among Nigerians in the diaspora. The fact that a guy or a girl just arrived the US/Canada(to study) from Lagos or Onitsha today - with a heavy accent, awkward dressing, low bank account balance, etc... does not mean he cannot be as smart, sociable, and successful as Obama in a few years. If there is one thing I know about we Nigerians, it’s that: virtually all of us have great potentials and we desire greatness in life. We are very ambitious and we are willing to give all it takes to achieve our dreams - howbeit the stifling environment in Naija is usually a great hindrance to our successes. Nevertheless, we are all in the process of becoming who we hope to be. Thus, while we endure this process: why can’t we all just be realistic, support each other to be better individuals, achieve phenomenal successes together and serve as a beacon of hope to those who look up to us back home in Nigeria?
[/b]Why must we make major life decisions like relationships based on mostly unrealistic checklists when we both can evolve together to meet the desires of our heart and soul? [b]
We should not focus on what only pleases our eyes but what satisfies our heart and soul - that is what makes long lasting relationships. Beauty will fade. Money will fail at some point but what will make it last, forever is: character, strength, discipline and love of God.

[/b]Eventually, most of the girls who treated me badly when I first arrived here later wanted us to be friends after they read, saw or heard some things about me. While I will forever love my Nigerian sisters, coalescing around guys only when they look like what you want should not be so. Life does not work that way. Anybody could rise! There are potentials in every corner of the world. What people need are opportunities and when these opportunities meet potentials, preparations, hard work and the grace of God - greatness is inevitable.[b]

As Nigerian men abroad, we must love and respect our women. We must treat them as priorities - come what may! We must also support and cherish them because they embody our beauty, greatness and strength. Our Nigerian sisters must also realize that Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge was not built in a day - it took years of efforts, investments and transformation for it to become the darling of our Nollywood movies. In other words, that a guy does not entirely look like it today does not mean he will never get there. So far he has the potentials, he can even be more - with time and hard work, he can be way more than your unrealistic checklist. Can we now start looking at the heart and not the checklist?

This O.P writes from +1412, United States of America.
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by InvertedHammer: 4:05am On Apr 11
/
Easy solution. 2 choices:

1). Master the act of masturbation.

OR.

2) Find a fat one, older with kids and be managing her until you stabilize. She will understand your plight.

Prayers won't solve it because you are swimming against the tide. If you resort to prayers you may implode!

Ladies may not have the same problems. If they look good enough, young Akata boys will pass them around like candy. If they are not too appealing to the eyes, some White guy with African fantasy may scoop them up.

It gets better for the ladies. They get to explore uninhibited, kinky and most importantly, nonjudgmental sex in all orifices imaginable without words getting out.

\

4 Likes

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by armyofone(m): 4:08am On Apr 11
Ummmm undecided na serious something you come do for obodo and got the time for worry about loneliness ? A student with heavy courseload or immigrant working 80 hours for two weeks for $$ get time for worry?
Welcome to obodo, the land of strong breed kiss

1 Like

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 4:09am On Apr 11
TrippleEEE:
Check most of the animals , it is a natural instinct of the female species to Take Care of the Family especially the children But Humans want to change it because it's "male dominance ". Bittered and lazy set of women! I pray they get that equality they are looking for- alongside the curse it brings.


Bro. Nice write-up ! I learnt slot
Triple Gbas Gbos.

1 Like

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by ProduceHQ: 4:13am On Apr 11
Still on this issue

Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by Whitemagic: 4:17am On Apr 11
Smile4mee01:
Interesting Thread.

The loneliness can be real oo. Here in Australia, to see sure 9ja babe sef hard.

Any one with one should link me up.

Thank u.

Australia guy... You far oh... Dream country but I heard application is hard.
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by bezimo(m): 4:30am On Apr 11
oshaosha2014:
But the ladies have said his write up is balanced now, according to them oooh. Very selfish set of species. And na them America and western world carry all their power give. Men are in trouble.


No mind them..mtchww
Re: Loneliness & Dating Abroad: Perspectives of a Nigerian Student in The U.S by alphaNomega: 4:30am On Apr 11
HeavenlyCherub:


Honestly I think you have good points in your paragraphs. I agree that as women we shouldn’t single out every man who isn’t walking in their purpose at that given time. However I would never advise anyone to settle.

Some of the financially challenged/student men who come to the US, a very large percentage have taken advantage of good women all in the name of love. I can only use myself as an example. I have dated guys who weren’t stable financially so I can only try help my fellow sisters.


Man 1: Yoruba guy - I dated him for 5 years. Great guy however refused to self improve. He did yahoo. I found out about it and tried to make him stop and do legit as I wouldn’t want our foundation built on potential blood money. He refused a legit job and informed me he knew “the life he wanted for himself and 9 to 5 was not it.” This is because he was consumed by lifestyle and driving range rovers and a Porsche’s. I stuck with him for love but I refused to marry him or his proposal as he didn’t believe in taking care of a woman. He was very selfish (during the course of a 5 year relationship this man never gave me any assistance for upkeep - mind you I didn’t need his money as I do very well for myself but every woman wants their man to be able to support and provide in small ways. This shows me you’re stable and can support our family should we hit hard times. He would always ask me why I need money and what I do with the money I earn. $10 to buy a panty he could not even do, but he stayed embellished in Gucci, LV and Prada. He also had a baby on me and begged me to raise the child with him if it was his after dna...I was scared toput myself in that position as a time when I have to depend on him will come and he would not man up as he should so I broke it off. He proposed I said no. . No way I can submit to a man like that?..

Man 2: was an international student, the devil himself in human form, they say respect them, support them and let them reach goals.. this guy I supported financially for months, paved a way for him to get his paperwork.. loved and supported. He was nice at first but when we started dating he started changing. Abusing me for not giving 5k usd and not wanting to marry him for green card... I thank God for protecting me from that one chance. He is the biggest regret and bad mistake I ever made in my life. So disheartening you support someone and they physically, verbally abuse you and blame you for the wrong going on in their life... read my story on my profile from 2 years ago for more context Note: I myself am not perfect and I’m constantly working on self improving and strengthening my bond with Christ. I’m big on giving advice to others so they won’t repeat the same mistakes I have made.

My aunt always told me never to date down. Never settle and I did. All the women waiting...wait for Gods time don’t force or rush things because you want to get married. You will end up with someone who puts baggage on you and breaks you emotionally, physically, financially etc. Let Go and Let God. If it’s his will for your life it will be. Don’t leave worse off then you started.

I also have a friend she married someone coming straight from naija. They lived as man and wife 3 years. He got his green card and went back to Nigeria to marry his real girlfriend.

I truly dislike when men put down women like this post. Marriage is not an accomplishment. It will be nice to find a compatible companion but sister- you are enough as you are. Don’t let anyone rush you. Some are happy but many more want to get out of the marriage you are rushing to. Be wise and Let God lead.

Pray for God to give you discernment. Marriage is life and that’s a long journey. Don’t end up with the wrong person because of societal pressure and advice from OP above. I have said my own

Let me tell you why, you see this 50-50 feminism BS you women in America like to do? A born and bred Nigerian man is not ready to put up with it. So yea, they had a trial-of-marriage and Oga was not impressed.

I hope you were able to hear from the man about what really went wrong. One-sided stories can not give you the real picture especially in cases of divorce.

Finally, if you want a man that would be doing 50-50 with you, face your fellow Americans and leave us the F alone. Tell your friends too cheesy

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