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The Continue of laugh with me


31

Why do bananas need to use sunscreen? Because they peel.

32
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

33
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

34
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

35
What did Michael Jackson call his denim store? Billie Jeans.

36
What does a dinosaur use to pay bills? Tyrannosaurus Checks.

37
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.

38
What happens when a frog’s car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.

39
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.

40
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

41
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

42
When does a sandwich cook? When it’s bakin-lettuce and tomato.

43
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

44
What do you call a man who never toots in public? A private tooter.

45
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

46
What does an annoying pepper do? It gets jalapeno face.

47
The 3 unwritten rules of life…
1.
2.
3.

48
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!

49
Me: I got you a dictionary for your birthday. My son: Gee Dad, I don’t know what to say. Me: That’s why I got it for you.

50
I’m really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

51
How do you organize a space party? You planet

52
What airlines did Jesus and Mary take? Virgin.

53
What’s the foot’s favorite type of chips? Dori-toes.

54
What do you call a lazy doctor? Dr. DoLittle.

55
Where would you grow a chef? Bakersfield.

56
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

57
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

58
My math teacher called me average. How mean.

59
No matter how much you push an envelope it will still be stationary.

60
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

61
SERVER: “Sorry about your wait.” DAD: “Are you saying I’m fat?”

62
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

63
What do you call it when a group of crows makes plans to hang out? Premeditated Murder.

64
My wife is divorcing me because I keep telling her jokes with no punchline.

65
What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna-One, Anna-Two.

66
Do you know why snakes can’t play Jenga? Because they don’t have hands.

67
Have you heard about the movie Constipation? It’s not out yet.

68
I wish velcro was cheaper. It’s such a rip-off.

69
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY

70
What kind of pasta gets locked out of its house? Gnocchi.

71
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Is this stool taken.”

72
What do you call a dwarf psychic that just escaped prison? A small medium at large.

73
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

74
When I was young I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. then I was born.

75
What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

76
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

77
Today, my son asked “Can I have a bookmark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

78
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

79
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

80
Why did the crab never share? Because he’s shellfish.

81
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

82
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.

83
Want to build an Ark? I Noah guy.

84
GROCERY STORE CHECKER: “Paper or plastic?” DAD: “Either, I’m bisacktual.”

85
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

86
A man asks the librarian if she has any books about paranoia. She says yes, they’re right behind you.

87
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide Pods. It’s more difficult to deter gents, though.

88
I detest jokes about student debt. They never pay off.

89
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

90
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

91
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

92
You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.

93
The creator of the knock-knock joke should get a Nobel prize.

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” The second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

94
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

95
Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?

96
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

97
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

98
What did the right eye say to the left eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”

99
Why do mermaids wear sea-shells? A: Because b-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.

100
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.

101
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a Hot toad? A frog says, “Ribbit, ribbit” and a Hot toad says, “Rub it, rub it.”