LilMissFavvy:
Funny epistle......the way you even wrote it, I am lost. Don't know if you actually disgraced the poor women or not

LilMissFavvy:
Funny epistle......the way you even wrote it, I am lost. Don't know if you actually disgraced the poor women or not

Gaggi:
Sadly, many have been killed because of false accusations. It beats me how people ever believe a penis can just disappear.

Gaggi:
Sadly, many have been killed because of false accusations. It beats me how people ever believe a penis can just disappear. Well, this is Africa, people believe anything.

CAPSLOCKED:


PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT ALL OF US AND OUR DIFFERENT RACES AND GENOTYPES CAME FROM THE SAME TWO PEOPLE, HAVE BEEN WIRED TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ABSURD AND OUTRIGHTLY RIDICULOUS.

KingDerailer:
This happened about 5 years ago and I have been wanting to share. So with the lockdown, this is the perfect time. I'm also using this avenue to revamp my writing abilities which has been in a stat of comatose since I after secondary school, so it is a bit long.

THE PREAMBLE

31 October 2015, I woke up that day feeling excited, my girlfriend(now fiance) was coming to visit home for the first time. I had already announced to the whole household I was expecting someone. I asked her to come by 4:00 p.m, the timing was intentional. My mum would have left for a relative's naming ceremony to go help cook and she wasn't coming back until the next day. And my brothers? Off to watch Manchester United match (vs Norwich I think). I was ready to forfeit the match because that would have given both of us the opportunity to 'get down'. Unknown to me, man proposes, God disposes. I called her to ensure she left her place on time, knowing how notorious the 'dressing time' of females could take as well as the unending Lagos traffic, as she was coming from Ajah. Ladies and gentlemen, 4 o'clock turned to 5 and then almost 6 and still no sign, kept calling and she kept saying she was on her way. I was livid.

Then at exactly 5:50 pm she knocked. Inside, I was boiling with rage at the opportunity lost and that I'll now have to book a room to 'get down'. Five minutes later, my brothers came in. I cursed the more but kept my cool and pretended everything was fine. I was somewhat not feeling bad for not watching the match as Man Utd drew.

After entertaining her, I saw her off and that was the beginning of a psychological torture that lasted for 24 hours.

THE TORTURE.

We hugged and kissed and I bid her goodbye. She was going to pass the night at her aunt's who lived closeby. We had to reschedule our own 'match' to the next day.

As I was walking down to board a keke back home, I got to a filling station at New Garage, Gbagada and a woman beckoned on me to stop. Usually, whenever these people call my attention, the way I usually feign deaf and dumb will shock one who actually is. On this day, this woman, resembling someone who lived in the street opposite mine, I thought she was the one but on getting closer, I noticed she wasn't so I immediately switched back to my deaf and dumb mode when she started her story of how she was stranded and needed help.

About 15 steps away from her, a devilish voice whispered to me to check if my manhood was still intact, after all, strangers are not to be trusted in Lagos especially. ;DFoolish me complied. I touched my manhood and right there in the middle of the road, I froze.

Before I continue, I need to point out that my manhood gets up to 6.5 inches when erect (I know this part is not necessary, it's all braggadocio), but when flaccid, it can be really small, as tiny as my little finger. Okay, back to my story.

....Immediately I froze, it felt like my soul or spirit left my body and there I was, a soulless human. I was filled with sudden fear and an anxiety attack was imminent. Feeling my manhood, it was like nothing was there except a stump. 'Na so my akpasko take disappear'? I thought to myself. After about 3 minutes of standing on that spot, reminiscing my whole life, I decided to go back. I moved back to the filling station and watched the woman from a close distance. I noticed they were actually two, with one carrying a baby on her back and they were actually begging everyone who passed near them, telling the same story. My major intention of monitoring her was to see if she takes off and closes for the day after carting away with my manhood. But there she was, still begging. Many thoughts ran through my head, am I just being paranoid here or truly this was happening?


THE IMAGINATION

No doubt my manhood had disappeared, I concluded. I thought of raising an alarm there and then but another thought asked I tread with caution, it could be a false alarm. To raise alarm, I need not even shout at the top of my voice. Knowing Nigerians very well on how they can 'buy person matter', all I needed do was to explain to one or two of those okada men nearby and they will pick it up from there.

Being an introvert comes with major challenges especially in a society as ours, but it was at times like this it paid to be one. Most introverts will likely imagine how an action or inaction will play out in their heads before carrying out that action or not. So I painted a picture of the likely outcome of raising an alarm.

...So I explain everything to a cluster of bike men, they pay key attention and ask me if I am feeling anything down there, I say no. Then they descend on the woman, landing blows and all sorts of clubs on her, of course that will be after they must have stripped her naked. Her continuous plea that she is innocent will be replied with more blows and seeing that if she doesn't 'confess' to the crime she will be killed, she then confesses and agrees to bring it back and to make it believable, she does something magical, like touch her saliva with her index finger, rubs it on sand and brings her hand close to my manhood, reciting some incantations and tells me it is now fit and proper.

The okada men will ask if it's true, I'll nod like an agama in the affirmative because a large crowd has now gathered and I am beginning to get overwhelmed. Then they say I'll have to test it to be sure.

One of the men cheerfully volunteer to ride me to a brothel with a convoy of bikes following behind as a typical Nigerian governor would, to test the efficacy of the restoration. I remember one at Sawmill, Ifako, not too far off, I had been there 2 or 3 times in my younger years. The men then position outside waiting for me to come back and tell them the good news. I proceed to pick my choice, probably the calmer one out of the many swarming towards my direction. In the room after all efforts from her to get it up must have failed, I'll just pay her and walk back to the bike men, smiling and saying I performed like a stallion who met a mare on heat. They then ride me back to the spot, the woman is then told to go or handed over to the police and everyone goes home happy except me. I also imagined how among the crowd, an overzealous blogger wannabe would have taken pictures of me and splashed it all over the net, including this forum, with some ridiculous captions better imagined than seen.

I quickly snapped out of that line of thought and reasoned the whole mess from another angle. After seeing of my girlfriend, I had stopped to take a glance at an Hausa man selling all kinds of sex enhancement stimulants and wondered whether I should patronise him in anticipation of tomorrow's 'match'. I decided it wasn't necessary and continued my trek to what later became a day's misery.

Could it be that by just starring at those stuff, my manhood disappeared? The guy must have sold it to some rich Alhaji who is now testing it on his new wife, I thought. Or was it the conductor I handed over my girlfriend's transport fare to? At that point, everyone was a suspect.

I wasn't going to risk my privacy so I finally concluded to damn the consequences and live with a worthless meat or stump as it seem. I however remained standing there, seeing my joystick crash right before my eyes. I forgot to say that all that while, I kept on 'codedly' touching and rubbing my manhood for any sign of life. I decided to do a final check on its deadness before I go home, so I walked to a street few steps away from R-Jolad Hospital to take a pee. I brought it out, looked at it and tossed it from left to right. One mind kept telling me "guy, this nah your normal thing when flaccid nah", another kept saying "ehen, even if na your normal size, e be like wetin fit stand again for your eyes?"

I was so engrossed in it that I did not even notice one 'egbon' watching me not too far off. He must have thought I was masturbating. I quickly zipped up and went back to my standing observation spot. Soon it began drizzling and people began scampering for cover, then I checked the time and it was around 9:45 pm. Damn, I realized I had been standing there for about 45 minutes. I was not achieving anything standing there, I had to go home. I took a keke and began my solemn journey whilst planning out my next move and how to live without a manhood.


THE FINAL DECISION.

So right there inside the keke, I mapped out my life. At least i still have my testicle, I thought. I won't marry and when it's time I have kids, I'll have my sperm extracted and planted on a woman and boom, my lineage continues. Perfect!

But there was another issue. I'll have to break up with my girlfriend and I couldn't tell her the real reason for the breakup, I needed a cogent breakup lie. I had to think of one. However, there was a more pressing and immediate problem, what reason will I tell that our match has been cancelled? I couldn't come up with any. Nevertheless, I still had up until 4pm the next day to come up with a genuine reason.

I got home pretending everything was fine. I badly needed someone to talk to. Thought of speaking with the oldest of my younger brothers but he may not even understand. I wanted to chat with my best friend who was in Canada but knowing him very well, dude would have bleated out with laughter and made jokes before rendering any sort of advice. At that state, I was in no mood for banter. The best person would have been my mum but of all days, it was that day she wasn't coming back home. I ate little, kept going to corners to inspect my manhood and even tried watching x-rated videos but there was no sign of life. The fact that I was about winning 10k from a betting company wasn't even soothing enough. The last game (involving Sporting Lisbon) was ongoing and they scored an early goal, I kept on refreshing live scores hoping the other team don't equalize thereby trying to cover tension with another tension. I couldn't sleep much throughout the night, waking up at intervals to urinate when in truth I was only going to inspect my manhood. Sunday morning came and I did not even bother going to church. My siblings did not notice I was not alright as I am very good at acting fine even when I am not. In the midst of all these, I kept believing my mind was playing me but another part doubted so, after all, my manhood is deadbeat and not responding to stimuli. Around 10:00 a.m, I was still reasoning a lie for cancelling our match when she called and in Garfield's voice, "...my life was saved by the miracle of Faith (not lasagna this time)


THE RELIEF

I couldn't believe my eyes at what was happening. God, is this how you answer prayers?
Her cousin, Faith called her that because she was going back to school the next day, she needed to go to the market to get a few things. She told me she had to rush back to Ajah to accompany Faith to the market as she too was preparing to go back to school the next day.
This was an automatic cancellation of the match, a spontaneous move covid-19 will be envious of. I didn't have to come up with any reason at all. I was so elated.
There and then I testified to the goodness of the Lord how he answers in very difficult times. I met her at the bus stop, gave her a birthday gift because her birthday was the next day and bade her goodbye. Then I went back home still wallowing in my worries.

At about 7:30 pm, my mom came back and I sought an avenue to discuss the issue with her. Whilst waiting for the perfect time, she brought up an issue on how a man was begging for money, my siblings were busy somewhere else and that was when I made use of the opportunity and told her. I told her a remixed version that a lady I did not know stopped me asking for money and after that I felt like my manhood disappeared. She laughed, asked if I responded or the lady touched me, I said no. She asked if it (joystick) was still there at least, I confirmed so. She then said I am only tensed because my girlfriend came visiting. In my mind I was like, really mom? So you still think I get anxious at the prospect of invading a woman's centre of gravity?
Anyway, she went ahead and told real life scenarios of how a man's manhood can fail him once in a while, that sometimes it happens even with her husband (my father) as well. She then narrated the story of a man who was so fond of his wife's 'pound of flesh' that he never allows the woman to rest. One day, the woman ran out of her home with just a wrapper tied on her shouting to the hearing of the villagers that she doesn't understand what was happening, that her husband who will never allow her Bermuda triangle be at peace is just staring at it like a confused gazelle but can't perform. The woman was hell shocked. I laughed so hard and felt more relaxed afterwards. At exactly 9pm, I called my girlfriend, we spoke and laughed and all. Immediately I dropped you wouldn't believe what I noticed. A bulge? I had developed a boner in the cause of listening to her voice. I was overjoyed. It wasn't dead after all. That was how a mental torture of 24 hours came to an end.


LESSONS.

1. A troubled mind may not actually perform.


2. Sometimes for some reasons, a man's instrument will just decide not to turn up. It could be due to anxiety, stress, health issues, or just anything.

3. Most of these manhood disappearance stories are just figments of our imagination. The stories have been so told that it lies in our subconsciousness. A stranger shakes a guy and next thing he does is reach out to touch his joystick if it's still there. This thing may actually not even exist.

4. It is always good to talk to someone when you are having a problem. That's why some people bring their problems to the public.

5. Laughing eases up stress and anxiety.

6. Some stupid prayers actually get answered.