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My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? - Family - Nairaland

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My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by MizJaY(f): 3:13pm On May 02, 2020
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

594 Likes 56 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Nwodosis(m): 3:13pm On May 02, 2020
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

1078 Likes 70 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Drince: 3:15pm On May 02, 2020
grin
This matter tie wrapper, wear shoe still put face cap..
How long have you been married?
How old are your kids respectively?
Do want a divorce?
Honestly i'm currently watching this kind of film live between my mom and dad,except from the shouting and beating grin honestly i can talk to them but i want to learn how they would make up..
The person below can be of help

118 Likes 8 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Mstick: 3:17pm On May 02, 2020
Hmmmmmmm this one is tough, a broke man with ego is more dangerous than a rattle snake.

1241 Likes 82 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Jullima(f): 3:18pm On May 02, 2020
My dear you have described most Nigerian marriages. We see it here a lot on NL. Keeping malice and Nigerian husbands are 5&6. You are not allowed to express your feelings, it’s called talking back. You’re also supposed to apologise for something you were a victim of. If the husband is not 100% the breadwinner, even worse, any body language or words are interpreted as “you don’t respect me because you are contributing”

P.S our NL favourite matron will come in and blame you for not choosing right, even though he presented himself as a godly man or you must have done something to change a godly man.

Sis, it is well.

787 Likes 52 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by MizJaY(f): 3:20pm On May 02, 2020
Jullima:
My dear you have described the average Nigerian marriage.

So I though sha cos I'm not sure I'm d only one going thru this kind thing. Most marriages na just mk we manage dey push am dey go...

218 Likes 10 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by veave(f): 3:20pm On May 02, 2020
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

775 Likes 44 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by MizJaY(f): 3:21pm On May 02, 2020
Mstick:
Hmmmmmmm this one is tough, a broke man with ego is more dangerous than a rattle snake.

136 Likes 5 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by ibkayee(f): 3:21pm On May 02, 2020
Mstick:
Hmmmmmmm this one is tough, a broke man with ego is more dangerous than a rattle snake.

Lmao

61 Likes 3 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Kemimarch16(f): 3:23pm On May 02, 2020
It is well o

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Nobody: 3:24pm On May 02, 2020
This one strong lol .. make una no give the singles ones IBP grin

69 Likes 4 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by kalufelix(m): 3:24pm On May 02, 2020
Who read ?? ... Am so avoiding this place ... European leagues resuming in June??

36 Likes 3 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Nna17(m): 3:25pm On May 02, 2020
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

266 Likes 16 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Iffffffy(f): 3:26pm On May 02, 2020
At some point, I thought I was the one doing this narration, it is well sis.

516 Likes 17 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Jullima(f): 3:27pm On May 02, 2020
MizJaY:


So I though sha cos I'm not sure I'm d only one going thru this kind thing. Most marriages na just mk we manage dey push am dey go....lol
Well let me say most, because some women are enjoying their marriage. Don’t ever NOT have savings, there is no protection for you o. As you can see your 100% contribution is not even appreciated. Always, always have savings. Always save a portion of your salary, if anything happens, Igando will award you N500 stipends. Starting from now, set aside a portion of your salary and start saving, so you can always have an option to leave when it gets unbearable or you have something to fall back on if he puts you out.

287 Likes 11 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by crackkhaus: 3:35pm On May 02, 2020
MizJaY:

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all
gringrin

Well since you're tired of always being the one to ask him why he's keeping malice with you, don't you think it's time for you to start planning your move?

You said you don't have money yet and this is why you're still there... Madam start keeping/saving money aside small small, time dey go.

110 Likes 3 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by budaatum: 3:42pm On May 02, 2020
This is like sailing on a ship with an incompetent captain who refuses to take advise as he leads you all to destruction. Mutiny is of course the solution, but you probably can't divorce him.

You married an ignorant person and you need to educate him, or at least educate your children so they do not become ignorant like their father.

Wake your children up in the morning for Bible or Quran Study (or reflection on the previous day if you are not religion inclined, I add, for those who may not be religious but read this). Don't do it the traditional way however, whereby one person assumes to preach to everyone else, but let everyone say it as they understand what you've all read, then pray and go about your day.

And take the advice of putting some savings aside because he will leave you once he has ruined you and you'd be left with nothing to feed your kids!

156 Likes 12 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Oluwathoyin: 3:42pm On May 02, 2020
Although I'm not married. But please ma, have some savings it's very good.

106 Likes 7 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Tozilly(m): 3:43pm On May 02, 2020
No marriage is devoid of fracas. Majority of couple r just managing themselves. Ur situation is not yet out of control. Ur hubby is suffering from financial insecurity, entitlement mentality n bloated ego. He feels less of a man as he can't provide adequately 4 his family. U NID to save a fixed amount of money every month for Ur personal upkeep no matter wot. Try n find happiness outside him, may b with ur kids. U hv a right to enjoy d fruit of ur labour. Just press ignore button wen he starts acting up. He will either grows over it with time or b humbled by life. D situation will change for better with time. Don't come n kill urself for anybody.

266 Likes 12 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by bukatyne(f): 3:44pm On May 02, 2020
MizJaY:
sorry for d long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs. I'm d quiet type so I have never open mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sort of things, honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash d anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. if u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one dat has problem he's too difficult at times. In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person i am. Calm n quiet. When I met my husband nysc days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was d main reason I got close to him cos i wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually thru life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but im not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach he's sick mother in d village i would buy all d foodstuff to send to her, d way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on d house. He works too and earns but he's salary cover rent and d children's school fees finished. I do d rest but he doesn't appreciate d fact that i sacrifice everything I earn to feeding d house we are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car n gen gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam, if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather i get insult o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o � I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always d one wrong and he's not � every time, sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage. My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu. D national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. Im always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk. So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warn him. Tho he still attempt once a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

I see two issues:

1. You both are earning below the standard of living you have set for yourselves. In what ways is your husband trying to increase his earnings?

2. Do you have a written budget where you can track income with expenditure so you see where you can cut expenses (I know what you have is not enough however, that will reduce the mental stress on you).

3. You have the classic egoistic Nigerian husband. How do you navigate them? By apologizing when issues crop up whether you are wrong or not. Yorubas call that apology 'gba je n simi' or 'sorry, let me rest.'
So issues come up, it is quickly 'sweetheart, sorry, I did not mean it like that.', 'sorry, no vex' etc.

4. His spiritual life: what happened to the man that wanted to be a pastor? Just how you leaned on him for spiritual growth, you might need to return the favour now.

And good that you have to wisdom to avoid his blows since you are still willing to stay.

388 Likes 24 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by KingKayxCee11(m): 3:44pm On May 02, 2020
Half of your write up is a rantgrin
God help the married.

35 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by bujebudanu1(m): 3:46pm On May 02, 2020
How ladies end up marrying clowns is baffling me...

People don't just like a quiet and peaceful life , na money issue sha

34 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by kestolove95(f): 3:48pm On May 02, 2020
Divorce d modafucka nd move on with ur life, get a young guy as a sec toy...no time men are stupeed

25 Likes 7 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by CAPSLOCKED: 3:50pm On May 02, 2020
I AM THE HUSBAND IN QUESTION AND I'VE COME TO DEBUNK ALL OF THIS WOMAN'S CLAIMS AS FALSE.

43 Likes 7 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by budaatum: 3:52pm On May 02, 2020
KingKayxCee11:
Half of your write up is a rantgrin

God help the married.
I think only a man like she describes will call her write up a rant.

God help such men!

239 Likes 9 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Julietsim: 3:53pm On May 02, 2020
MizJaY:


So I though sha cos I'm not sure I'm d only one going thru this kind thing. Most marriages na just mk we manage dey push am dey go....lol
This is true especially for most marriages. Because the man brings alot of money to the table,he will start forming boss. Start saving because the men of the days hmmm. If they are 90%breadwinner, they will be unappreciative. They want their wives to worship them and when the woman is the breadwinner, they become intimidated and start saying the woman is no more respectful.

93 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Hathor5(f): 3:54pm On May 02, 2020
MizJaY:
Im always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having.

grin

You wrote that you avoid arguments at all cost but what you have to understand is that conflict is unavoidable and necessary. You must learn to speak your mind. Do it in a civil way, calm and composed, but do it. It is important to be open and honest, to negotiate and to reach compromise. If you feel that he will interrupt and insult you when you speak up, maybe you should write down what bothers you and have him read it. Make sure you don't attack him in this letter but explain how you feel about certain issues and what kind of change you wish for.

93 Likes 3 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Julietsim: 3:56pm On May 02, 2020
Iffffffy:
At some point, I thought I was the one doing this narration, it is well sis.
Husbands act as if they are the boss in the marriage and wives act as if they are inferior.A man is the head of the home,not the boss of the home.

35 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Sixfeetbelle: 3:58pm On May 02, 2020
Jullima:
My dear you have described most Nigerian marriages. We see it here a lot on NL. Keeping malice and Nigerian husbands are 5&6. You are not allowed to express your feelings, it’s called talking back. You’re also supposed to apologise for something you were a victim of. If the husband is not 100% the breadwinner, even worse, any body language or words are interpreted as “you don’t respect me because you are contributing”

P.S our NL favourite matron will come in and blame you for not choosing right, even though he presented himself as a godly man or you must have done something to change a godly man.

Sis, it is well.

I believe I know who you're referring to but I don't have strength this afternoon so I'll just continue to move. cool

21 Likes

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by Alawaxbimbex(f): 4:00pm On May 02, 2020
With the kind of stories I read daily on nairaland about marriage...I'm so scared of marriage ooo...God pls bless me with a good husband when it's time for me to marry

39 Likes 5 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by nautybride: 4:07pm On May 02, 2020
Your story is typical for almost every Nigerian family.
The thing is our daily expectations are gradually decreasing because the future of the nation is uncertain, likewise the people in it.
Make sure you do not pregnant again. Do not add more to the challenges. I believe your husband is faustrated too and he doesn't want to be referred to a yeye man.
Yes, start saving, no matter how small. Please endure for each other. It's almost everywhere. Please, kindly apologize to your husband for your own peace of mind. Cut your expenses to what you can afford o. It is well.
Your health is important, take care of yourself for you and your children.

80 Likes 4 Shares

Re: My Fellow Married Women And Mothers, How Do You Deal With A Husband Like Mine? by GboyegaD(m): 4:07pm On May 02, 2020
bukatyne:


I see two issues:

1. You both are earning below the standard of living you have set for yourselves. In what ways is your husband trying to increase his earnings?

2. Do you have a written budget where you can track income with expenditure so you see where you can cut expenses (I know what you have is not enough however, that will reduce the mental stress on you).

3. You have the classic egoistic Nigerian husband. How do you navigate them? By apologizing when issues crop up whether you are wrong or not. Yorubas call that apology 'gba je n simi' or 'sorry, let me rest.'
So issues come up, it is quickly 'sweetheart, sorry, I did not mean it like that.', 'sorry, no vex' etc.

4. His spiritual life: what happened to the man that wanted to be a pastor? Just how you leaned on him for spiritual growth, you might need to return the favour now.

And good that you have to wisdom to avoid his blows since you are still willing to stay.

This your number 3 though.... I can't imagine someone apologizing over and over again for a crime not committed and I sure would detest it s a man.

120 Likes 6 Shares

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