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|Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 8:26am On May 05, 2020
My parents got married 27years ago, since then it has been hell for my mom. It's as if my mom was forced on him or did the love just seize to exit, this I need advice on, from my brothers and sisters here on what to do next.
It all began in 1993, two years later I was born (1995), then we reside in Lagos but my dad later moved to pH in search of greener pastures. He only comes back home (Lagos) once in a while. My mom tried all her best to cater for her kids during all those period with no help or whatsoever coming from my Dad. It wasn't easy at all.
Fast forward to early 2003, my dad came visiting after two years without hearing from him and then my mom decided we are going with him to pH, he opposed but my mom Insisted. To cut the long story short, after we get to pH we found out my dad was living carelessly, womanizing, his social life is zero because he doesn't drink or smoke but he lavished all his money outside and Care less about his family.
My mom strived and engaged in little business which we managed to survive on. My dad only comes home when he is Short of money and acted low and submissive but as soon as he got some money, he changed immediately.
So 2010 I left pH to the village, was writing waec, looking for admission and so on, later going to lag to hustle around 2013 as I'm the one to foot my education expenses.
2015 I gained admission in a polytechnic, after my OND in 2017 I went back to lag to begin the hustle as I have to further my education, all this period I did not visit my family in Port Harcourt. I went back for HND in 2018 but had to withdraw because of lack of funds, I went back again in 2019 because a family member advised he will foot the bills which he later didn't do.
So because of this covid 19 I visited my parents in pH. My mom was very ill, she can't move nor stand and she has been the one taking care of the family, my father inclusive. My father has been a lazy man who depends solely on his wife for survival. He does not work, he does not stay at home with his sick wife. 6am he will enter the kitchen and eat any food he finds he won't even ask if four of his kids and my mom will eat. He will go and sit down in people's shops around the streets discussing with people's wife's. 10am he will be back home, straight to the kitchen to check if there's any food if my mom had drop money for us to prepare food, he will eat it without even talking to anybody, in fact he owns the kitchen now. He repeats same 2pm, 5pm and night meal also. I'm just so angry right now I don't even know what I am typing again.
After seeing all this behavior i advised my mother to give him some space, she gave birth to four children for him and three of us can survive on our own as we are no longer kids, but she won't obliged it's just as if maybe she is okay with suffering.
Today this morning, my dad did the most outrageous thing, he woke up and started ranting, saying does my mom think he is not going to be rich later, and he won't stay here forever. I got the message he was passing that he is going to leave my Mom if he stumbles upon some money. And I exactly told my mom this statement yesternight too.
Please you guys should advise me on what to do because at this junction, it hurts me a lot having the knowledge that my mom is with man who doesnt care or love her, even at her sick bed, he never for once visited the doctor nor the man of God taking care of my Mom.
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|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by izzou(m): 8:30am On May 05, 2020
If you, or any of your siblings have a place of their own, just jejely carry your mother and leave that place
599 Likes 31 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 8:37am On May 05, 2020
izzou:the only place I have is my room in school, I have told her severely that she should leave, even if it's staying with me in school, I don't know maybe she's afraid of starting afresh, she's is recovering now and the lockdown is still the only issue keeping me in this House
105 Likes 7 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Welcomme: 8:42am On May 05, 2020
Take your mum back to the village. You guys should gather money for her let her start a petty trade. Don't allow the irresponsible father of yours to know all the moves you are taking.
403 Likes 15 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by crackkhaus: 8:48am On May 05, 2020
People like your father always get their due when the time comes. I don't believe any of you can do anything to change him because he is a middle-aged man who is already set in his ways.
Something miraculous needs to happen which will cause him to look inwards and retraces his steps, otherwise his path is set before him.
Your only priority now should be for your mother's wellbeing...so if you can keep convincing her to create some space, then keep doing that.
Ultimately, it's going to be her decision to either remain in the situation or move away for some peace of mind.
202 Likes 9 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by izzou(m): 8:49am On May 05, 2020
Your mother has only one life to live
Save her from herself. Look for somewhere to take her to....relatives, her family, village. Just take her somewhere
Your father doesn't care about her anymore. And the worst decision to take is clinging to someone that doesn't care about you
Na your hand e dey bros
220 Likes 13 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 8:51am On May 05, 2020
Welcomme:this is exactly what I've been telling my Mom, but she never listen. She always back the reason why she can't go Is, she can't leave her child(my younger sister 23) years alone in pH. She's has been with our pastor since young age and she is almost through with her studies. 400level in ust
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 8:54am On May 05, 2020
izzou:I'm continuously talking to her, now she said she will go stay with her relatives for sometime after the lockdown. I just hope she uphold to that
30 Likes 1 Share
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by donbachi(m): 8:54am On May 05, 2020
Him go dey follow rivers men dey live choppingson life..forget sey almost of dem papa leave house or land for dem and also 1 chairman somewhere wey dey show dem love.
30 Likes 1 Share
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 8:58am On May 05, 2020
crackkhaus:thanks so much Sir. I'm convincing her daily. It started to look as if I'm turning her away from her husband
10 Likes 1 Share
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:04am On May 05, 2020
donbachi:he has nothing, just doing big man with nothing. There's a state university in my village and everywhere is booming, there is land. But my dad does not care about everything. Truthfully he could possibly sell some plot and put his life back together. But he chooses to be forming big and lazy man in ph
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by TheGreatIYANU: 9:04am On May 05, 2020
Just focus on getting your mum into full recovery. Do whatever you must, as far as it is legal and godly.
Dont be ashamed to hustle right now... carry block if you must.
Once she is better you and all your siblings should really round and take her (forcefully if needed) to her peoples place pending when one of you can get a place.
Dont completely abandon your father, cater for him to the best of your ability but ensure your mother is fine.
That should be your sole singular focus right now.
68 Likes 3 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by bukatyne(f): 9:05am On May 05, 2020
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by donbachi(m): 9:07am On May 05, 2020
Lekan239:e be like na ogbunabali axis una dey live.
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by bukatyne(f): 9:10am On May 05, 2020
What of your mother's siblings?
And have you engaged her why she keeps putting up with your dad? I think you need that answer to intelligently take a step.
15 Likes 4 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:12am On May 05, 2020
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Femsyn(m): 9:14am On May 05, 2020
This is a very typical story of many Nigerian homes. Later in the man's old age, when children and wife ignore and treat him like trash, one stranger, in the name of a fiance, who has no idea of their history, will become judgmental and share blames.
Another uncle will encourage other women to endure abuse, just because his own mother barely survived a marriage with an egotistical and insensitive man.
How you treat this man later is completely up to you and your siblings, as we all have different tolerance levels, and no one has any right to question your decision. Good or bad. However, I will suggest not to pay evil with evil, as these people have a way of getting hooked in our conscience, especially after they die.
In cases like this, I wonder if women deny their own families, as soon as they get married.
OP, where are your uncles, aunties and grandparents?
147 Likes 11 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:16am On May 05, 2020
bukatyne:yes she said she can't leave my sister alone in ph who has been staying with her pastor for over 16years now. But I did not see that as a valid reason because the said girl will be through with her university education this year. I tell my mom she is old enough to take care of herself. But she won't listen
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|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by bolaji3071(m): 9:19am On May 05, 2020
Your story is similar to mine. But in my own case my dad didn't come back home, but he went to the village to marry another woman.
Me and my siblings were left with my mum alone who is a trader to cater for us.
Later when my dad became sick, the woman left him. And the sickness got worsenend that they had to rush him to UCH ibadan.
It was one fateful morning of August 6, 2016 that I got a call from the village that my dad has been rushed to UCH.
And it was that same day I was preparing to upload my my documents for my school admission.
So I had to travel down to UCH from lagos that same day to stay with him at the hospital, being his first born.
We stayed there for 40 days and also he was operated on(below knee amputation).
So after the surgical injury became a little bit ok. We went for physiotherapy to learn how, so he can learn how to use clutches to walk.
So, after that he got discharged and we went back to the village.
That year, after the uploading of documents, I gained admission to study in Unilag, and around November we were asked to come to school for the physical screening.
On getting to school after my screening, I got a call that my dad has died. Mehn that was the worst day of my life.
I traveled back to oyo state that same evening. It was a very sad and bad experience for me. Despite how he was not there for me, my siblings and mum, I would never wish for him to die.
My dad's junior bro who promised then to sponsor me in school didn't come through, I have been hustling my way through during holidays with work ranging from bet9ja cashier, office assistant and all to cater for my school needs, siblings and mum,but 300level second semester was the most difficult for me.
I could not get any job to save up for 400level school fees after the holiday. Had to sell of my phone then to pay up my school fees, now in 400level. It has not been easy, but I know my story will change for good soon and I will give my mum and siblings a very better life.
I perfectly relate with all you are going through op.
145 Likes 5 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:22am On May 05, 2020
TheGreatIYANU:thanks very much. I'm doing everything in my power and waiting patiently for this lockdown of a thing to be over. My days in school are numbered that I surely know off all I'm just thinking about is getting a petty job which I could engage in after I withdraw. As for my dad, I will follow your advice
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Welcomme: 9:27am On May 05, 2020
Lekan239:You are from which state?
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Gloriagee(f): 9:27am On May 05, 2020
Sorry about all the negative experiences. I think it should serve as a lesson for you in future on how not to treat your spouse.
I truly don't think you should drop out or you can consider the National Open University route. You can be a lesson teacher, a labourer or a driver. Don't give up!
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:28am On May 05, 2020
Femsyn:uncles from my dad's don't Care I.e even if they are okay themselves. Father's mother is in the village sufferin. The only family who is a little bit okay, promise me and abandoned. My mom's family are always ready to help her out, but she won't ask for help, in fact they don't even know what she passing through
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:35am On May 05, 2020
Gloriagee:I already have my OND in mechanical engineering, and I'm currently in HND1 but there's no clue on how I could get enough money to pay the remaining bills before exam. Sometimes I still thank God for bringing this corona virus at the right time, if not for the virus exam would have began and I would officially have been a dropout again. Either way I'm always looking forward to what life throws at me. And I'm already planning of the way forward if I eventually dropout. But all I know is that either now or later I will surely complete my education
96 Likes 6 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:35am On May 05, 2020
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Femsyn(m): 9:36am On May 05, 2020
You know I suspected that your mum's family don't know what's going on. As a matter of fact, I wasnt referring to your father's relatives when i asked.
What to do now, pick up your phone, and narrate everything to your mum's family.
My mum almost died of tuberculosis, if not that my maternal grandmother got wind of it on time. No parent will see his/her child wailing and dying and let her be, even if the child is now a grandmother.
68 Likes 6 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Gloriagee(f): 9:38am On May 05, 2020
I see... Maybe you should consider a direct entry to the National Open University or a part time program if they have the NUC accreditations. It's crazy out there in the labor market so I'm wondering if you have any options.
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by bukatyne(f): 9:39am On May 05, 2020
Maybe you NEED to engage her very very well.
A 23yr old girl is NOT a baby and can take good care of herself.
The truth is that UNTIL your mom is 'ready' to get on her feet and say no more, you will keep swimming against the tide and you will later feel very betrayed when she forgets all your efforts and goes back to your dad.
32 Likes 5 Shares
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by bukatyne(f): 9:41am On May 05, 2020
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Lekan239(m): 9:43am On May 05, 2020
bukatyne:yes this is my next plan of action thanks
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Vyolet(f): 9:48am On May 05, 2020
Femsyn:I was looking out for this.
|Re: Help: My Father Is Killing My Mom Gradually by Vyolet(f): 9:52am On May 05, 2020
Op, ensure your mom is really fine health wise.
Whoever cooks among you should ensure all food finishes before your dad comes in so when he comes he won't have anything to eat, but if you feel you can spare him some, then dish his own somewhere.
There is nothing you can do about your mom leaving right now because none of you is financially buoyant yet and yoruba people will say ti owo eni oba ti te eku ida, akin bere iku topa baba yan.
You will pull through and its on you to make your mom eat a good fruit after all her labor.
19 Likes 3 Shares
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