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Stats: 2,483,063 members, 5,622,656 topics. Date: Thursday, 28 May 2020 at 03:03 AM
|I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 7:22am On May 12|
My story is quite long, please run through with patience.
I married my wife about 11 years ago. By the way I am 46 years old. Before I married my wife, I was not doing well neither was my wife. She was working with a multinational company, earning an equivalent of N40,000. I had a small graphic design business after trying many times to find a good job. I looked for jobs and contracts without any respite. But At this this time, my wife's support was good and I did appreciate every bit of it. At lest we survived on the low...
As time went on, I got a job in one international corporate training company as a Statistics and Business Analysis Instructor, was earning about 90,000 naira. During the times before I got my job, we had accumulated debt and my new job provided us an opportunity to pay them up.
We decided we were going to save part of her salary every month for servicing the debt and save the rest for a rainy day. I was supposed to pay the rent and all other domestic bills, light, kids school fees etc.. Some time she helped with food/groceries. After sometime, she advised we move to a bigger apartment. We still had a daughter by then. I obliged and we did.
To cut the story short, after four years of working, the company folded up because of government policies and we were all laid off. This meant we had to prepare for the hard life ahead. It was hectic and devastating. Me being me, I took it with all sense of grace and hope things will be fine. But the more I thought about this the worse things got. One day out of curiosity I asked my wife if it would be nice to have another child and she advised it was not the best time. I understood and agreed. I then advised my wife if we could start a business and with some savings we had, maybe I could use it to enhance my former business, maybe things might be better this time. She did not show any interest. This time I discovered changes in my wife.
One day she asked me if she could use part of them money to do a course, honestly I was shocked but asked why she did not oblige to my own request. She said "its my money I can use it for whatever I want". My wife however did the course.
To cut the story short, 3 years down the line, my wife stopped having sex with me and this continued for a long time. I became like "shit in her eyes". I lost a bit of confidence though. she would wake me with insults and barrage of dirty words. Because of our child, I agreed to stay a home and try to work online and seek clients and jobs from old client. It was not bad but not promising.
Fortunately for us, my wife got a promotion and her salary was increased to about 170,000. This actually brought out the worst in my wife. Her calmness disappeared and all decorum was buried. We would quarrel everyday and not talk for weeks. She became really mean and controlled everything at home. Please note, she is not a bad woman but can't explain the reasons up till date. I was with no option but to query her sincerity as a wife and that continued for a long time. Our sex life became zero, she would tell me having sex would make her pregnant and was not ready for a second child. Her stories kept on changing and became even worse, rather than coming home she would pass by her mom and be there till late in the night before coming home.
After about 3 years of trying to get something to do, I finally got a place on the island sometime in February 2018, where I would be paid a stipend of 50,000. In addition, I would use my free time to design, print and sell business cards to small companies. The overall income was small but enough for some immediate obligations at home. But to be fair, that was the best I could get since I have not had money in a long time. Unfortunately my wages were not consistent due to challenges the company was facing. But I used the Business card printing to augment wherever possible.
Later in 2018 around September, I discovered that my wife had been having an illicit engagement. She had a male fried and I finally got to know about it and confronted her. She did not deny it, she begged and I forgave her. Anyway, I had made up my mind to forgive because of the kid and I never told anyone till date. Moreover, since we were not making love that was of course enough reason for the drastic measure, I told myself. To be sincere I had lost feeling for my wife and sex was difficult. We finally started having sex but I had little to offer her. I would pretend and even have to watch Indecency to be able to have sex with her. I was dead inside. At least my wife was still with me. That was my solace. I guess trust was broken. She however continued with her escapades. The quarrels increased and got worse. There and then name calling became our breakfast and dinner. She advised that since I would never look at her the same and bringing little or nothing to the table that I was free to go. The quarrels went on for quite some time, my wife will go very violent on me some of the times. I am marshal artist with black belt and I have great restraint - for me, fighting and going violent on her was never on the table. One day I thought there was a need to move out and I did indicated to her that I was not comfortable living with her anymore.. That wherever I am, I will see how I can take care of the kids.
She did not care and things became difficult for me. I felt maybe I could stay for sometime, It might be a difficult condition but still not impossible. This became my Achilles heels. There and then I knew my relationship had broken and irreparable. I accepted there was nothing I could, but to be patient and tried to convince myself about our situations and believed our situation was bad, but God’s willing we would overcome. The fight even got worse and became very violent and physical, I would normally just take the beating or hold her hands to avoid any injuries.
The quarrels was beginning to be in the glare of my Kids and since it was not abating, there was little I could do to change the situation. I finally made up my mind on the 19th of May 2019 to move out, but actually moved out on the 30th of May, 2019. Before then on the 26th of May, 2019, I discovered my wife was again engaging in the illicit affair. She would claim she was going to church only to be found at a different location. Honestly I can’t blame her, I blame myself and the situation that caused the demise of our once cherished marriage. At this point in time I realised I had lost and had no fight in me anymore. My kids are still very young. Everyday quarrels, lack of sincere engagement, denials upon denials and her fear of facing her “DEMON” with little chance of her understanding the consequence of her actions - I was left with no choice but to stop FIGHTING. I had no fight left in me. The ultimate decision was to leave. I did not inform her parent about the issue because I had indicated to her I did not want them to look at her differently.
God so good, I got a 500,000 Naira job through a friend in an oil company with a 3bedroon in Lekki fully paid up for 3years by the company. By the way, I am Data Analyst but never practiced for a long time. I studied Computer engineering but for a long time grace did not smile on me. I take care of my kid and I really don't hate her and I am at peace with everything. She still has her job and doing well.
Please note that she did not tell me to leave, I left on my own volition. I could not share the same bed with my wife anymore she apparently could not muster enough strength to stop all iniquities for a conversation that will help see things through. Rather she is turning to blame it on me. We have however resolved to part on a friendly note for the sake of our child.
My reason for posting this is because most us sit behind the desk and computers and do not understood the demons everyone is battling. On a bad day, the best husbands are MONSTER, while the best wives are DEVILS. When we make judgment as males or female. We should not forget about our female child/children, same goes for the male child. I don't know what my wife tells people about what happened but I really don't care and I have made up my mind never to defend myself.
Thanks for reading.
2009 Likes 195 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Obingene: 7:31am On May 12|
Cold shivers ran down my spines as I read this.
I'm so not enthusiastic about marriage anymore.
653 Likes 39 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by iHart(m): 7:33am On May 12|
God please help me in my marriage, I don't want to experience all these stories I read on nairaland.
853 Likes 45 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by genesisnnodid(m): 7:49am On May 12|
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Ndukings92(m): 7:51am On May 12|
Women!!! Timaya talk am finish naaa,when money no de I love u I love u bu na onu
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Oluromantic(m): 7:51am On May 12|
I cherish your maturity sir. Even in the core of the challenge, you were still very sane!
It's a pity your wife did not meet up to the cost of marital covenant. I don't pray to have such a wife o
But I salute your courage.
1076 Likes 55 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by seunlayi(m): 8:12am On May 12|
Marriage is cool, interesting and a blessing, it depends on our choice, it is not something you jump into without sweat like an ordinary union btw two members of opposite sex.
@Op, sorry that it took you too long to understand your proud wife, I thank God for helping you out of it all. Take care of your child and move on. As for your wife (if I were you) that is the end. I can bear 1000 men with evidence of sleeping with my wife before I met her than just one man that slept with her after I married her.
Take care of your new job, relax from your former relationship before starting another
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 8:39am On May 12|
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Sankabson(m): 8:41am On May 12|
Ya’Allah protect and guide my married. Provide me everything needed to be a Man and also to take good care of my family/life. Bless her business and hustles too.
Almighty Allah, I don’t want to experience divorce or challenges beyond my/our understanding in our marriage.
Oh Lord, Let the flame of love between me and my wife keep blowing and glowing till the end of time.
Ya’Allah, Fix all marriages that are going through a difficult and hard times.
May God Almighty answer all our prayers. Ameen.
487 Likes 28 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Alexk2(m): 8:43am On May 12|
Hmmmmm...marriage! .It is well with you bro.
I salute your courage and objectivity in presenting the issue.
I trust you've learnt from your mistakes and for your ex-wife, she'll definitely met his Waterloo.
It's pride that I'm seeing here and the end of it will be disastrous for her.... Just an advice to women generally; if you'll enjoy your marriage, you have to learn the path of humility no matter how financially blessed you are. Your husband should never be treated with disdain cos he earn less; he still deserve that utmost respect....
A reasonable man knows same applies to them.
191 Likes 13 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by faithfull18(f): 8:55am On May 12|
Hmmn, this sounds like fiction. I don't support divorce but if adultery is involved with evidences, then separation is advised. Biblically, either partners are expected not to marry again but you know in our present world, we read and act upside down.
122 Likes 4 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Vyolet(f): 9:08am On May 12|
Everytime a woman leaves a poor man or reacts badly to him, the man always end up having a well paying job and the woman always want to come back...
Op, you forgot to write the part where she is willing to come back and live with you in Lekki .
507 Likes 24 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Gerrard59(m): 9:17am On May 12|
@OP: Apologies but I have to ask, you later bore another child? I thought she did not want it or una be adopt ni? How did you cope with the birth/adoption of this second child?
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by linnyx: 9:22am On May 12|
Well, this is your own side of the story. All the same I commend you for being patient even in the midst of violent provocation - it only takes a true martial artist to restrain from hitting back.
One word of advice thought: if truly your hand is clean then you should explain to her parents and your parents what went wrong. You owe them and yourself that. For posterity sake; somebody needs to know what went down. It is important you do that. I know what I'm saying.
All the best
211 Likes 14 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Vyolet(f): 9:23am On May 12|
Gerrard59:I saw the kids part too but I thought I didn't read well.
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 9:27am On May 12|
Type error.. No... its one child...
129 Likes 9 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 9:32am On May 12|
She will one day tell her parents herself. Her parents have sought for an amicable solution and meetings are being called. I have not doubt in my mind that I have moved on. I still have good relationship with her family because of my child..
154 Likes 9 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Cuddlebugie(f): 9:38am On May 12|
So, the moral of the story is, well, according to you "On a bad day the best husbands are MONSTERS, while the best wives are DEVILS"
Thanks for the pep talk.
60 Likes 3 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 9:43am On May 12|
Yes... Assessment must fair because its takes two to tango. You will never really know the truth of the matter. I know better now.
39 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by BlissB(f): 9:52am On May 12|
All I can say is to watch out for your kid, he/she should never feel your absence....
I really feel bad when a home is broken......
Because I'm from one and I don't wish it on anyone but then we should all do what makes us happy with due consideration....
64 Likes 3 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by mrblessed(m): 10:24am On May 12|
I don't know the reason for your belated decision to walk away, even in the face unremitting abuses and lack of respect. I gusse it must have been very difficult for you, becoming more tolerant and continuously losing your self-esteem. What I know for a fact is that, both good and bad people suffer this type of marital challenges, so don't think it is the end of the world.
Some women are susceptible to irrational behaviours, if and when they become breadwinners of their family.The allegations you leveled against are grave and showed she has crossed the gate of no return. Knowing when to accept a loss is a virtue. Thank God you finally found the mental strength and courage to separate from that toxic atmosphere. It is left for you decide what you want and how you want it.
35 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by linnyx: 10:33am On May 12|
I understand where you're coming from. But for the sake of your child a handful of people need to know your own side of the story. You wife doesn't have to be there when you tell your side.
Please do this so they don't all agree with her and turn your child against you in the future because you're trying to be a gentleman. I've seen this cause a lot of problems or some people like you. They never had the relationship they sought with their children. At the time the truth eventually came to light it was too late to have the relationship. All these because nobody heard their own side of the story.
175 Likes 9 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Houseofglam7(f): 11:09am On May 12|
Marriage is truly overrated
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by LuQuLuQu: 11:18am On May 12|
You said you earlier worked with an international college and they folded up? Do schools fold up?
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by GoldCircle: 11:34am On May 12|
Stay strong. Pick up the pieces and move on. Such is life...full of ups and downs. No need brooding over it. Learn from your mistakes and move on..you are a soldier!
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Yustash001(m): 12:05pm On May 12|
Why is that when some women suddenly become richer than their husband...
They start to develop wings..
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 7:18pm On May 12|
Life is strange... Turning my child against me is not an an issue for me. What I do believe is that any act of betrayal will always repeat itself no matter how hidden it might. I have seen it and I know it. The truth is that, even if my child does not see me as father in the future... I will die a happy man knowing that I had the strength to walk away.
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|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by faithfull18(f): 7:26pm On May 12|
LuQuLuQu:Yes, yes mostly mismanagement issues.
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Mariangeles: 7:28pm On May 12|
What a story!
Through difficult times, that is when couples need to be closer more than ever.
A FAMILY THAT PRAYS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER!
If only you had asked God for peace in your home...
17 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 7:36pm On May 12|
Defending yourself does not even help. The strength to write this note is my willingness to see beyond myself, there might be need for more insight. I know love is not one directional neither is it "multi-directional", it’s usually in the eye of the one looking at you. Love has no other name but LOVE. I might not be perfect but imperfection can still be unlearned by truly appreciating the situation. There is absolutely no reason to hurt anyone. I would believe that I failed to see her expectations through her lens and she failed to notice my sincere affections towards her. I might not be happy with the way things turned out but the situation has not made me any angrier. But it’s normal to be unhappy and I know that when I don’t mind being unhappy – It won’t last and eventually all will be alright and I hold same for her. Although, with all honesty, I did not see this happening, but I would like to know what our “stupidity” and “failure” has caused us. This will help if we finally move on with our lives. Given the situation, I believe I tried my best, but was not good enough. I am inspired by opportunities life has offer. I will channel my rage, drain and pain for a renewed future without my current dilemma. I am sure it will end in PRAISE. Thank you... there might not be need to tell it all. Life is like WIND it either blows in your favour or against.. Its your choice to stay strong. For those who might not understand that its not a struggle between the MAN the WOMAN, the only existential threat couples face is LIFE itself. But if you haven't been bitten in the face by a bear before, you will not appreciate how bad it is to loose ones identity. But on a happy happier note, if my heart is broken a million times, I will still love again There are good women out there. Its just a matter of time. Telling your story to defend yourself is a waste of time... At the appointed time the truth will unleash itself but not through me.
272 Likes 15 Shares
|Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by Mariangeles: 7:49pm On May 12|
Just say a simple prayer of peace EVERYDAY! That is all you need.
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