Acidosis:

My advice for you most likely will break your home so I'll keep that to myself. One evident fact I must state here based on your narrative, however, is that your dear wife does not love you as much as you think [doesn't mean there's no element of likeness].

Forget about photos and focus on your love life. An introvert woman that falls in love with a man will NEVER get mad over her man's decision to upload her photo. Introverts may never upload their photos in 10 years but don't be f00led... They want to see their photos on the DP of the ONE person they love.

In fact, the introverts I know count it all joy when a man they love so dearly do for them the things they wouldn't do for themselves. Start working on your love life man.

Do not presume to know how introverts think if you are not one.

sleit:
OP check out what Donald3d wrote above, there could be no better and comprehensive explanation than that. Your wife isn't damaged, she is an introvert, and there are people like her. Donald3d is one, I am another. I do almost everything you say your wive does, and I'd even react similarly if put in such positions you put her. This is the first time I will see someone describe me so accurately while trying to describe themselves.

Finally, another witness .
Thanks for sharing your experience.

Donald3d:


Finally, another witness .
Thanks for sharing your experience.

I'm not totally convinced she's necessarily an introvert sha, she could be, I just don't think there's enough nformation to come to this conclusion.

Introverts can be shy and quiet, but not all people who are shy and quiet are necessarily introverts if that makes any sense.

She could be shy and quiet because she's scared of interacting with people and conscious of how they'll view her, but perhaps she wishes this wasn't the case, then add her insecurities to the equation. I don't know if this automatically makes her an introvert. She could just be insecure about the way she looks, causing her to shy away from as much 'scrutiny' as she can, whilst wishing she was confident enough to do the things she's shying away from

An introvert's desire for alone time is not necessarily always because they're shy or even afraid, they also don't necessarily completely dislike socializing. They just prefer a certain amount of social engagement with certain types and amounts (personal preference) of people. Introverts and extroverts differences aside, I believe there's also a wide variety of personalities within the introvert spectrum alone itself

Anywho she may very well be an introvert, she then there's also the possibility that she isn;t

ibkayee:

I'm not totally convinced she's necessarily an introvert sha, she could be, I just don't think there's enough nformation to come to this conclusion.

Introverts can be shy and quiet, but not all people who are shy and quiet are necessarily introverts if that makes any sense.

She could be shy and quiet because she's scared of interacting with people and conscious of how they'll view her, but perhaps she wishes this wasn't the case, then add her insecurities to the equation. I don't know if this automatically makes her an introvert. She could just be insecure about the way she looks, causing her to shy away from as much 'scrutiny' as she can, whilst wishing she was confident enough to do the things she's shying away from

An introvert's desire for alone time is not necessarily always because they're shy or even afraid, they also don't necessarily completely dislike socializing. They just prefer a certain amount of social engagement with certain types and amounts (personal preference) of people. Introverts and extroverts differences aside, I believe there's also a wide variety of personalities within the introvert spectrum alone itself

Anywho she may very well be an introvert, she then there's also the possibility that she isn;t

The emboldened part of your write up, is what many people fail to understand .
As you have rightly said, there are various "degrees of introvercy"
Some are more extreme than others .

I believe she is one, its evident in her approach and the timeline of events from the very first day OP met her till now. She hasn't changed or loosened up to anyone except her husband (to an extent) .

If you take note, he also said she doesn't take pictures with her family(the people she has spent most of her life with !!), this sets off multiple introvert detector alarms .

Donald3d:

The emboldened part of your write up, is what many people fail to understand .
As you have rightly said, there are various "degrees of introvercy"
Some are more extreme than others .

I believe she is one, its evident in her approach and the timeline of events from the very first day OP met her till now. She hasn't changed or loosened up to anyone except her husband (to an extent) .

If you take note, he also said she doesn't take pictures with her family(the people she has spent most of her life with !!), this sets off multiple introvert detector alarms .

Some insecurities start from young o and can progress for many years, but you may be right

ibkayee:

Some insecurities start from young o and can progress for many years, but you may be right

You are right about insecurities starting from a young age, some of them just "mature" into full blown introvercy.
Some are as a result of the wiring of the brain, some are introverts due to various external factors over time(upbringing,bullying, etc.) .

I'm a man but you dare not ask me to come and say hi on video to people I barely know unprepared. I wouldn't also take 'freestyle ' and goofy pictures, I must always be ready and dressed to my satisfaction.

I don't just take a picture, I must make sure it's perfect, meaning I have to take multiple times. This doesn't mean I'm insecure, i just love to look presentable in my own eyes.

I'm that guy who gets a haircut every single week for the past 2 decades. Even in this lockdown my barber comes home fully kitted and sanitized to make me sharp. If for any reason I don't have a haircut in a week, I feel so uncomfortable and I wouldn't want to go out till I get that haircut. I know a weeks hair growth is barely noticeable but that's just the way I am.

I'm the guy who will give out a 30k shirt I just bought if I look in the mirror and feel it doesn't fit as well as I like. I'm the guy whom you can buy Gucci shoes for and I'll give it out without wearing it if I don't like it.

My point is that some of us are just different, that doesn't mean we lack confidence or self esteem, we are just whom we are. Let that woman be and focus more on other things while respecting her wishes.

There will always be people who don't conform to others expectations. The best recipe for any relationship is tolerance. Accept people as they are from the start or leave them and go your own way. Don't try changing anyone.

BolaAdenekan:
My wife is too insecure with herself. She is very shy and quiet, she’s doesn’t have friends and she stays indoors always. I noticed that she doesn’t like to take pictures of herself and she doesn’t like to take pictures with me or anyone, not even her family. She will complain that she doesn’t like the way she looks In pictures. I noticed that when we were dating she would always say negative things about herself, always calling herself ugly meanwhile she’s very beautiful in my eyes. Her low self esteem is affecting her behaviour and her interactions with people. She can barely look people in the eyes when talking to them.

Just two weeks ago I had a video conference call with our bible study meeting group at church. They kept on asking about my wife, but my wife insisted she didn’t want to be on camera because she didn’t have makeup on. I told her that her natural face is fine that she should just quickly greet my church members and that’s it. I put the camera on her face, and she snatched the phone out of my hand, threw my phone away and walked out of the room. Embarrassing me on the call, and I had to lie to my church members that she’s not feeling well. Ive noticed that she doesn’t ever want to be seen without makeup by outsiders, I don’t know what kind of woman this is. She will never leave the house without makeup, even if she is just going across the road.

Then just today I posted a video of her and my newborn on my watsapp status. Immediately she saw it she started screaming at me, that why would I post a video of her looking like that. That she’s added a lot of weight from pregnancy and she doesn’t like how she looks, that I should always ask for her permission before posting her. Every minute she’s always complains about her looks, and it’s affecting her way of life. It’s also affecting me as her husband because I don’t understand how a normal person can behave like this. I don’t know if I should start saving money for plastic surgery so that she can have self esteem because no matter how much I tell her she’s beautiful, she doesn’t want to hear it.

Advice her to prepare to go for beauty therapy and make up training

Explain to the shop owner why you brought her their is for her to learn how to make up and look good because she doesn't believe she is beautiful

But I think her problem is that she is some how timid and regird to herself

Donald3d:


Plain and simple, your wife is an introvert, or at least an ambivert, most likely the former.

You need to stop trying to change her, and give her space to be herself .

How do I know this ? I am an introvert, besides Nairaland and maybe recently Twitter, I really can't talk much to people face to face, except its business, and I always opt for a WhatsApp chat except it totally necessary to see in person, business is the only thing that "brings me out of my shell", because there is no alternative.

This is part of the major reason why I am a freelancer, recently gathered the "courage" to register my business and would be opening a physical location soon.
Does that mean I am insecure ? No !

I am sorry I am talking too much about myself, but I believe it would help you better understand your wife.

Ironically my babe (wife) reminded me this morning that we have not taken a picture together in a long time. Its true, I take like one or two pictures in a year. Sometimes I don't.

She used to think I was insecure until she started understanding me.

The "problem" with introverts is that we notice too much details, we pay too much attention, we try to make everything as perfect as possible, because we don't want other people to have the wrong impression of us, at the same time we don't care what people think if we don't talk to them(I know its ironic). We would easily see flaws where an average person won't see one.

I was extra shy on my wedding day. I didn't have up to 60 people in attendance.I doubt it was up to 40 sef. I was too shy to look into people's faces to count.

I warned family and friends not to share my wedding pictures or videos online.

We don't like crowd, we don't like people being in "our business".

We value our "space" and privacy more than anything.

We also don't like to be constantly in peoples faces or being at the mercy of other people.

Some of us are "afraid" of phone calls, its that "bad"

Its just who we are .

Excessive social interaction , especially when it has to do with speaking or seeing people , just drains us.

About going out, just like her , I hate going anywhere. Let me shock you, in the last two years I can count how many times I have gone anywhere, I am not kidding . Out of 365 days in a year, at least 350-360 is spent at home. Yet I work at least 18 hours everyday.

What can you do to help her ?

1.Constantly remind her of how proud you are of her
2.Tell her how beautiful she looks.
3.Giver her space
4. Understand that this is who she is and don't try to judge her. We feel really sad when the people we love, don't understand us.


You should not bother about her reaction to other people, because it would most likely never change as long as she isn't rude to them. In fact she would be too shy to be rude sef.
Be more concerned about her interaction with you and treat her with love and understanding.

You honestly have no idea how awkward she feels, when you try to force her to interact or socialize with other people.
It was insensitive of you to share her videos and pictures with your child online without her permission. I know how she felt, she felt like the ground was going to open and swallow her up. The same thing happened with the video call you forced on her, she was just giving excuse of not having make up on to evade the video call.

I am sorry sir, this may sound insensitive or rude, but you don't understand your wife Sir. I do a lot.
Please sit her down, may be let her read this post and ask her how she feels about social interactions and you would be amazed when she opens up to you.

People have a very wrong notion that all introverts are extra quiet or have low self esteem
With our loved ones and people we "allow" into our space, we are very free and can share or talk about almost anything and are very conversational (that's the reason she slept with make up when you just met her, she wasn't comfortable enough to lay her "introvert shield" down).

Please try and understand her Sir, and stop trying to force social interactions on her, you would only succeed in pushing her away more. You would drive her deeper into her shell

Are introverts psychologically damaged people ? No, we are one of the smartest, strong willed and motivated people around, because we have enough time to pay attention
Are we awkward ? Maybe
Do we love being this way ? Yes, It blissful
Are we sweet and caring ? More than you can imagine
Do you have more time to spend with us ? Big yes

If you focus on her benefits than her disadvantages, you would enjoy your wife much more than you can imagine.

You just nailed it. May the oil on your head never run dry.

BolaAdenekan:
I remember when we first met, she would stay at my house for days, she would sleep with her makeup on and her wigs. I was even thinking that maybe she had a skin condition, why is this girl always wearing makeup. It wasn’t until after 5 months that I saw her natural face. I thought maybe she would outgrow this childish nature, but it seems to be getting worse. This is not the way to live.

the reason is, she had people she trusted tell her she is ugly and she believed them.the only way to correct it is to continually tell her how beautiful she is and how proud you are to have her.
Appreciate her body, her shape her beauty, in the morning, in the afternoon and in the night.
You will see changes in her behaviour in two years.

KanwuliaExtra:
What are her good points?
Focus on them.
She has such a phobia and it may stem from her childhood or upbringing.

I am sure your church members already know what she looks like. You are proud of your family, she is not proud to show her face without make up.

Give her time and don’t push.

I agree with this person. Boost her morale (don't give up). Speak good things to her (not just about her look). Saying good things can be after she has done something or when she contributes to a matter between you two.

By all means, keep letting her know that she's better than who she actually think she is.

Mr. Man, how were you able to convince her to be your bride and do you guys have wedding pictures?

A quiet woman without many friends and likes to stay home all the time. Every other thing can be managed.
You are blessed sir. Don't look for unnecessary drama where there is not.

Hmmm...it's so complicated.


Please start paying her a lot of compliments. Get people to comment on the cuteness of your baby and link it to your wife. Just overladen her with heart felt compliments. It must really be terrible for any human to feel that way about him/herself. Its is well.

Segun!

BolaAdenekan:
My wife is too insecure with herself. She is very shy and quiet, she’s doesn’t have friends and she stays indoors always. I noticed that she doesn’t like to take pictures of herself and she doesn’t like to take pictures with me or anyone, not even her family. She will complain that she doesn’t like the way she looks In pictures. I noticed that when we were dating she would always say negative things about herself, always calling herself ugly meanwhile she’s very beautiful in my eyes. Her low self esteem is affecting her behaviour and her interactions with people. She can barely look people in the eyes when talking to them.

Just two weeks ago I had a video conference call with our bible study meeting group at church. They kept on asking about my wife, but my wife insisted she didn’t want to be on camera because she didn’t have makeup on. I told her that her natural face is fine that she should just quickly greet my church members and that’s it. I put the camera on her face, and she snatched the phone out of my hand, threw my phone away and walked out of the room. Embarrassing me on the call, and I had to lie to my church members that she’s not feeling well. Ive noticed that she doesn’t ever want to be seen without makeup by outsiders, I don’t know what kind of woman this is. She will never leave the house without makeup, even if she is just going across the road.

Then just today I posted a video of her and my newborn on my watsapp status. Immediately she saw it she started screaming at me, that why would I post a video of her looking like that. That she’s added a lot of weight from pregnancy and she doesn’t like how she looks, that I should always ask for her permission before posting her. Every minute she’s always complains about her looks, and it’s affecting her way of life. It’s also affecting me as her husband because I don’t understand how a normal person can behave like this. I don’t know if I should start saving money for plastic surgery so that she can have self esteem because no matter how much I tell her she’s beautiful, she doesn’t want to hear it.

Use psychology on it. Build her confidence. Instead of that picture of her by force.. Snap her unaware and complement her.