I know from my life' s experience that it takes the grace of God to break the power of sin. I have suffered from severe sexual immorality. I used it to medicate emotional pain when I was young. Maybe if I tell my story it might be a warning to young people who think being in love justifies sex before marriage.


I was invited to go to a small church by a friend when I was twenty-one years old. That day I saw a girl standing in front of a big tree playing with a young girl who attended the church. She was dressed in a white dress, and I loved her when I saw her. I was captured and could not think of anything but her after I saw her.

I think maybe once and rarely twice in a lifetime you will meet the person who you will love more than your own life. And Mary was that person in my life...
After pursuing and wooing her for months, I finally got a date. Eventually, one night after taking her out I kissed her for the first time. That kiss left me so weak in my bones.



After a while we grew to love each other, and I wish that I could have married her before it went any farther. But we did not realize the consequences of sexual involvement outside of marriage that would eventually destroy me and bring her down into shame. I thought that we would get married soon and that sex was ok.

Sex did bond us to each other in ways I didn't understand...

When we traveled together on vacation to visit some relatives of mine, she asked me to marry her. She felt at home where we were visiting and wanted to settle down. I told her there was nothing for me in that town and I wanted to return to the city. We could get married then.


Soon after we returned she met another man in university, and eventually I lost her. The emotional pain of that loss was the worst pain I had experienced yet at that point in my life. And to make it worse, I could see her regularly, for I lived on the next street, in an upstairs that gave me a clear view of her house. She still lived at home with her parents.

Because I had caused her to become immoral, she now had a weakness and her new boyfriend exploited it. And I was sure at that time he loved her too. Soon he started staying overnight at her house. That multiplied my emotional pain to know that he was sleeping with her.

To be continued...

So I decided that what I needed was to find someone else to get my mind off the emotional pain. I started looking for any girl that I could use to offset the pain. I would use her and then the next one and the next one. I had no feeling or concern anymore for their emotional welfare. I was driven by a hurt that would never stop hurting. I had lost the only one I would have laid down my life for and now my life was meaningless. I had no hope for a future.

Later I found that going to a club seemed to numb me. The incredible beauty of the girls that worked there gave me an anesthetic that delivered me from the pain. They seemed to be so uninhibited and free with their favors that I spent more and more money to get my anesthetic —their attention.
I felt that when I went into a club, and by now I had developed dating relationships with some of those girls, I was free from the only one I ever loved and ruined.

Seven years later, Mary called me and asked me for a loan. She needed to borrow #300,000. I rushed to meet her and wondered why she would call me. Surely she would have been married by now. Why wouldn't her husband meet her needs? I gave her the money and I noticed that she looked a little pregnant. She paid me back soon, and she no longer looked pregnant. When I asked her about her man, she said that his family had not accepted her, being that she wasn't from their place. And he broke off the relationship after seven years.


She made the comment that she felt like she was married for a while anyway. They had been living today after she left me for him, and I wondered was it because after we had slept together when she asked me to marry her of which I wanted to because I loved her but I refused at that time postponing, was that the reason she left or was it the sensual sensations I exposed her to.

I then realized that I had funded her abortion. He had gotten her pregnant and dumped her. I was angry, hurt, and deeply ashamed because I felt responsible for her troubles.


A few years later she called me again, needing half a million now. She had been caught stealing money from the company she worked for and they prosecuted her. She said that if she did not pay it back they would put her in prison. I met her and said I would think about it.

I was about thirty-two by now and corrupted by sin and immorality. I had lost any ability to care for someone in need. And the one who I would have laid down my life for ten years ago was in need of mercy and real help. I eventually told her that if she wanted the money, she would have to have sex with me one last time. To my amazement and shame, she agreed.

Somehow in my twisted mind and corrupted heart and defiled spirit I thought I could rekindle a long dead relationship. She must have thought that I was still capable of loving her enough to be merciful to her in her need. After I succeeded in lowering her to the level of a prostitute, she told me soon after that she now felt as if God had completely left her... >>>

I know many of us have done things that made us feel that God has or will abandon us but is that really the case, isn't there a way?


We lost touch with each other and I went back to the nightclub. I did not hear from her again for another six years.

This time she needed me to buy her some clothes so she could go to an interview. She had graduated from the department of Mass Communication. I was so dead and defiled that she must have seen a mere shadow of the person I had been fifteen years earlier.

But then she had changed. She had recovered a lot of her beauty. She was living in a hotel room and looking for an opportunity as a photographer. She showed me some of her work and I was happy that she had found something she enjoyed doing. I took her to a department store and bought clothes for her and said goodbye...

In those days I prayed and told God that if I could meet a nice girl I would stop destroying myself and start over. I had held various jobs from engineering to house remodeling. I met a thirty two year old Christian woman when I was thirty seven. I thought that she was the most wonderful person I had met in a long time. But because of the sin I had been caught in for fifteen years and the total disconnectedness from God that sin had produced in my life, I had no idea how to relate to a Christian woman.

When I met her, she was having a Bible study at a this eatery with a man who worked for me in the construction business. I sat down and listened and when he left, I sat there talking to her that whole night until the next morning. I wondered how she could have any interest in a person like me.

After several months of seeing her, she and I started living together, but not in a sexual relationship. We were more like companions. But we followed such a process that we thought was ok and normal but neither did she herself know the right way, even though I met her like Mary a church goer.

We did eventually get involved sexually. She got pregnant, and we got married.


Truthfully, I really did not love her, but I did not know it. I thought I did and I wanted a new life. I thought that God had answered that desperate prayer.

But, you know, she wanted to meet Mary.
I took her to meet Mary when she was eight months pregnant. She insisted. I was surprised to even locate Mary.

During the visit, when my wife had gone to the car, I told Mary that I still wished it could have been her that was pregnant and that we were married.

My wife eventually realized that I had married her because I got her pregnant and that I really could not love her, even though I tried. Her parents convinced her to divorce me and after two and a half years she did.

We had a house and I was working for an engineering company and everything was paid for. I was making good money. I lost it all in a few months.

My wife became the most bitter and vindictive person from the sweetest and most trusting person I ever knew.

The devastation from the divorce and the additional two years of sin I used to try and kill the pain again left me mentally and spiritually ill and living on disability for a number of years now.

I do have custody of my daughter, who is now fourteen and a very gifted girl.


I can still see Mary standing at that oak tree thirty years ago. Sometimes I drive back to that church and the tree is still there. I drive back to the house she lived in when I first kissed her thirty years ago. I will never be able to love another person like I loved her. If only I had married her in honor in that church, how things would have been different.


I would give anything if I could find her one last time so I could beg her forgiveness for involving her in sexual immorality. My mistake destroyed me and brought her down to shame.

The last time I heard about Mary, she was involved with a married man. I feel responsible and hope God will allow me to ask her forgiveness for setting her on the path she is on.


By the grace of God and ten years of unbearable mental and spiritual suffering from the effects of long-term sin, I am no longer addicted to sexual sin. I am completely free from the lust that took me down to the depths of fornication, adultery, prostitutes, and financial ruin. I have lost all my worldly possessions and I am in some debt.

I am doing the best I can to teach my daughter the dangers of sex outside of marriage. She is a believer, but when her mother rejected me, she rejected her daughter also. And her mother emotionally abused my daughter when she was little.

I have shared this to you because although I am free and have experienced God's ability to deliver me from the pit of hell, I still feel defiled and tormented spiritually. I am now fifty two and I can trace the mess in my life back to sex with the girl I should have known how to love better.

Now I hope my story will be a warning to others not to make the same mistake. God doesn't want to take away something good from you; he wants to give you something even better.

Fact or fancy, which ever the inspiration for this story may be, not many threads and write ups can hold my attention for more than 5 minutes.

You did an incredible and succinct job putting this write up together.

You're good at what you do. Keep it up.

SweetBuns:
Fact or fancy, which ever the inspiration for this story may be, not many threads and write ups can hold my attention for more than 5 minutes.

You did an incredible and succinct job putting this write up together.

You're good at what you do. Keep it up.

Thank you

Your writing is captivating, however, the story is depressing.

At some point I asked myself “why am I reading this”

purpinkx:
Your writing is captivating, however, the story is depressing.

At some point I asked myself “why am I reading this”

Lol, at time life starts off or seems exciting at some point but when we derail from the light we enter into a dark depressing part.

Christ is the light

Good evening

Mdmelijah:
So I decided that what I needed was to find someone else to get my mind off the emotional pain. I started looking for any girl that I could use to offset the pain. I would use her and then the next one and the next one. I had no feeling or concern anymore for their emotional welfare. I was driven by a hurt that would never stop hurting. I had lost the only one I would have laid down my life for and now my life was meaningless. I had no hope for a future.

Later I found that going to a club seemed to numb me. The incredible beauty of the girls that worked there gave me an anesthetic that delivered me from the pain. They seemed to be so uninhibited and free with their favors that I spent more and more money to get my anesthetic —their attention.
I felt that when I went into a club, and by now I had developed dating relationships with some of those girls, I was free from the only one I ever loved and ruined.

Seven years later, Mary called me and asked me for a loan. She needed to borrow #300,000. I rushed to meet her and wondered why she would call me. Surely she would have been married by now. Why wouldn't her husband meet her needs? I gave her the money and I noticed that she looked a little pregnant. She paid me back soon, and she no longer looked pregnant. When I asked her about her man, she said that his family had not accepted her, being that she wasn't from their place. And he broke off the relationship after seven years.


She made the comment that she felt like she was married for a while anyway. They had been living today after she left me for him, and I wondered was it because after we had slept together when she asked me to marry her of which I wanted to because I loved her but I refused at that time postponing, was that the reason she left or was it the sensual sensations I exposed her to.

I then realized that I had funded her abortion. He had gotten her pregnant and dumped her. I was angry, hurt, and deeply ashamed because I felt responsible for her troubles.


A few years later she called me again, needing half a million now. She had been caught stealing money from the company she worked for and they prosecuted her. She said that if she did not pay it back they would put her in prison. I met her and said I would think about it.

I was about thirty-two by now and corrupted by sin and immorality. I had lost any ability to care for someone in need. And the one who I would have laid down my life for ten years ago was in need of mercy and real help. I eventually told her that if she wanted the money, she would have to have sex with me one last time. To my amazement and shame, she agreed.

Somehow in my twisted mind and corrupted heart and defiled spirit I thought I could rekindle a long dead relationship. She must have thought that I was still capable of loving her enough to be merciful to her in her need. After I succeeded in lowering her to the level of a prostitute, she told me soon after that she now felt as if God had completely left her... >>>

Is this a true story

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