Pointless arguing in a relationship: Many people do it and most of us don’t understand it and are completely perplexed by it. Everyone knows a couple who constantly bickers or has conflict – maybe that’s even you and your partner. Maybe you argue so frequently that it’s become the norm. Is this really what to expect in a relationship that’s supposed to bring you joy and companionship?

What if the amount of bickering in your relationship could be substantially reduced or eliminated completely – almost immediately? It’s possible. Expectations in a relationship form the basis of whether or not the partnership works for both people. By shifting your mindset, your relationship can become happier, more peaceful and more productive.
Why expectations in a relationship can cause problems

We first have to start with the “why.” Why does bickering happen in the first place? The short answer is expectations. What we presume a relationship will look like shapes our contribution to the partnership. Expectations in a relationship are subjective, biased and can differ from person to person. Some may expect their spouse to take out the garbage and they, in turn, may expect you to have breakfast on the table every morning. But if both people assume the other person knows this automatically, without ever having a conversation about it, it can only lead to tension in the relationship.

The problem with expectations in a relationship is that they’re just like an opinion: everyone has one – and they don’t always match up to the other person’s thoughts. This is the birthplace of bickering.
It’s important to realize that, in talking about how mismatched expectations can lead to fighting, we are not saying you don’t have a right to expect anything out of your partnership. The opposite is true: You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and so does your partner. This is where knowing what to expect in a relationship comes into play. When you’re both on the same page about what a quality partnership looks like, you’re ready to take action and learn how to manage expectations in a relationship. When you’re able to articulate your respective needs, you’re in a place to make those expectations work.
How to manage expectations in a relationship

Fortunately, there is a solution for dealing with mismatched expectations in a relationship! When our focus is centered on our differences in expectations, rather than our appreciation for the things the other person does “right,” conflict is always inevitable. The way any two people decide to fold towels, for instance, will probably differ… but does that make one of the ways wrong? Of course not. Expectations with no appreciation leads to nagging, which leads to frustration, which leads to, you guessed it, bickering.

Think about the things you and your partner have fought over. How many of these fights are actually over something important – have any of them had a productive resolution? Most likely, the answer is no. It’s often said, “We argue about the smallest things.” Consider your expectations in a relationship. Are the towels really worth the emotional turmoil? Probably not. Chances are, there’s something you could be doing with your time that’s not only productive, but more beneficial to the strength and longevity of your relationship, too.