INSPIRATIONAL SHOT- Being 30 But Yet Single Choked Her Until This Happened

Nene was a controversial one way back in school. Her philosophies about life would always evoke some divisions. But today, I listened to her story with an open mind. She said, “Culture does a lot of imposition on us. That we become exposed to a cultural belief by birth is one big factor in our development that nobody can do anything about. Well, we do not choose our parents. And a whole lot of our growing up is dependent on our spiritual(religious) and social(environmental) factors. Being exposed to the culture of a people by mere association is less demanding compared to doing so through birth. The pressure that being born in a Muslim or Christian family would exert on one cannot be compared to what would be exerted by association. I was the first child and the first female in a family of three girls and a boy. My woes started when Brian came to ask for my younger sister's hand in marriage. I was done with school and looking for a job when this happened- I was already 26 years then. I didn't know what it was exactly but I felt something was cooking; that is, that my mother was trying to tell me something but somehow came short of doing so. Then one early morning -I believed she couldn't hold up any longer- she woke me up around 1 a.m. to spill the beans. I was told that Brian was coming to ask for my younger sister's hand in marriage. But my mother was put under immense pressure by a notion imposed on her by our culture. It was a popular but muffled taboo in the African community that a young woman's younger female siblings should not walk down the aisle before her.”

She came up with a wry smile and then continued, “There was nothing anyone could do about the situation because no suitor of choice was coming for me. When my parents failed in forcing their choices down my throat, they gave up and went ahead with the wedding. Within a year, the baby came and my sister became the worthy mum that I was not. Her opinion in the family became like the pontiff’s that no one questioned. My misery took a different shape when my other sister came home with a suitor. I was in my early thirties and the frustration was already getting at me. I was happy that my baby sister was going to fulfil her dreams of becoming a complete woman. But the anguish that I had been left behind in the whole process overshadowed that happiness. That night while everyone was asleep, I wept myself silly, until dawn. My mother read it from the look on my face that morning but she did not ask me. She told me many years later that she could not bear the emotional burden of asking.”

I felt the pains in her eyes but it was impermanent. She went on. “The frustration did not only affect my health, but it also affected the decisions that I made. I became so vulnerable to every man that seemed like a suitor before my eyes. I was taken advantage of; even used and dumped. I lost my job when I fell prey to a man who seemed to have an interest in marrying me even though he never mentioned it. I breached the company’s policy for his sake and was found out. With no job in sight, I decided to start a small business with the little that I saved from my previous job. But I fell prey to another man who swindled me and ran away with my whole life savings. This was when I decided that enough was enough. I realized that it was better to remain single than end up with the wrong person. I knew right then that choosing happiness was going to be a no-brainer if I had to choose between being married and being happy. After all, marriage in itself has no direct correlation with being happy; it is the relationship between married couples that does. It became that important corner in my journey that had evaded me all the while. I took the turn, stopped whining and never allowed any man to take me for granted. I pushed marriage to the backseat and chose to do something more exciting with my life.”

Nene closed our discussion by saying, “I talked to family and friends who raised some money for me. I went back into business but this time, I made better decisions. Having come to terms with myself that living a fulfilled life was not dependent on being married, I stopped men from taking advantage of me. My business grew in leaps and bounds. I was doing so well and funny enough I regained my respect in my parent's eyes as the eldest. I came to the full realization that their former attitude towards me was not simply about not being married but more about not being able to take more responsibilities about my life. In one of the national conventions of an association under my constituency, an invite was sent to me in the capacity of a guest speaker. I met Blossom at the convention. He was a nice, single and successful businessman. We have been dating for six months to date. I don't know where the relationship would take us but I am no longer in a hurry to know. This is because I have long realized that my happiness is not tied to whichever way the relationship pans out. I know our African culture puts a lot of pressure on single ladies but they should understand that no one owes them a ring on the finger. Do not let anyone make you feel any less fulfilled because no one has put a ring on your finger. You can fulfil your dreams even as a single lady.”

REFLECTION
Marriage is good but doing it with the right person is the single most important part of the process. We should make lightweight the pressure that culture exerts on single ladies and gents. In as much as marriage is desirable, there are people who walked into it and discovered a living hell. The myth that bearing a man’s name gives a woman self-worth is a total fallacy. In the same vein, telling a young man that being married draws more respect for him is out of place. One of the most respected males in the world is Pope Benedict. The last time I checked he was not married and he was already in his late seventies.

What is more important is finding a purpose for being here and going for it. Being married has never been a prerequisite to discovering who we are or making the most out of life. Happiness is a switch and once you are ready to reach for it, nothing else stands in your way. Reach out and flip that switch irrespective of whether you are single or married. Choose happiness and focus on adding meaning and value to your life.

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