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Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband - Family - Nairaland

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Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by flak: 8:11pm On Feb 25, 2011
hi nairalanders, i just joined this forum hoping to get some useful advice.

I have been married for 5 years with a dose of the happy, good, bad and ugly moments. I really need help on how to cope with a verbally abusive husband that i have endured all these while.

i have left the house once to go to a friends place when i got tired of his rantings only to come back and get beaten up while i was 4 months pregnant.

He apologised but i cant seem to get it off my mind. The last straw is trying to paint me as a 'witch' because he lost his job (nationwide bank layoffs) recently with the help of some false prophets who rally around him because of money. He is still very much financially ok  cos he is was a part of top management team and has good prospects of getting another job. I think he is using that as a weapon because i insisted i want to get a job.He believes because he did not allow me get a job i am using my 'imagined evil powers' to bewitch him and his job.

I am a chartered accountant and was previously working with stanbic ibtc. I had to leave when he almost suffocated me with complaints. I resigned hoping he would change his mind about his position but no after 3 years.

I have my own faults because i am not a kind of person that pretends i am happy when i am not. i have insisted that either i get a job or nothing else. i have lost all trust in him and he is smart enough to notice it. Any mention of my job it is another rain of verbal abuse but i really am past caring.i have lost all confidence in him because i find it strange that after 5 years he now thinks i am evil becuse i want a job.

truth is i am beginning to break down with his incessant abuses, control freakish attitude and always right attitude.
i have 3 children . pls advise me on coping strategies.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by zayhal(f): 8:33pm On Feb 25, 2011
Ooops! That' quite enduring.

Men of these days na wa o.

Maybe you should get his parents or those you think he respects and listens to, to talk sense into his head. Meanwhile, pray hard for your marriage. Too many break-ups these days.

1 Like

Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 8:36pm On Feb 25, 2011
flak:

hi nairalanders, i just joined this forum hoping to get some useful advice.


i have left the house once to go to a friends place when i got tired of his rantings only to come back and get beaten up while i was 4 months pregnant.


What kind of psycho husband beats his wife when she is pregnant with his baby? please be safe and find someone better to be for a while.

Leave him for a while, go to your family.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Blazay(m): 8:42pm On Feb 25, 2011
Actually, do nothing.
Till he kills you.
The sex must be goooooood.
I have always heard that the most abusive men make the best lovers. wink
You know? Half man is berra than none.
My mother always told us that you never have to tell a deaf man there is war in town.

You have 3 children and that is all you will ever need to prove you are a real woman to man and God.


Just prepare your will, pick your funeral date, NL will handle the rest as in putting your marra on the front page to honour you.

Hope this helps?
God bless you. kiss

2 Likes

Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 9:25pm On Feb 25, 2011
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Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by zayhal(f): 9:39pm On Feb 25, 2011
chaircover:

I am going to try and read between the lines here.

First of all there is no reason for a man to beat a woman. It is cowardly and unfair on the woman & he is letting the devil use him and what your husband did is unacceptable.

@poster have you taken a step back to work out why your husband is making such a big fuss about your working? when you were working, Were you coping well juggling family life and work? were his meals on time, were the children getting adequate care, did you have good childcare in place or were you and househelps fighting all the time, was he comfortable with your hours and so on.

One piece of advise I will give you is that you cannot obtain long term success in an argument if you try and go head to head with a man. You may win short term battles but loose in the long run. There are other subtle ways of getting him to your side; so many ways to bell a cat.

First things first is you need to stoop to conquer and try and subtly find out why he doesnt want you to work, If you know his reasons, then you are halfway there & you can present your case. It means that You already have an answer to the jamb question.

Some men dont deal well with their wives being too independent; there are ways round that. Make him feel that you still depend on him. For example ask him for advise on office issues, ask him which shoes to wear with a particular work outfit, leave the car at home one day and ask him to drop you off at work etc. Men can be like kids and you have to learn to massage their egos.

re the witchcraft accusation; deep down in you, you will know if he realy means it in his heart or he is just fighting dirty just to get a reaction from you. That is something that you have to work out and deal with.

Right now, I will say that you put the job issue to the back burner until he himself gets back on his feet.

Your marriage is very important especially now that you have 3 children and I beleive that once you both get over the "it must be done my way" fight and the marriage becomes stable again, then you can re approach the job issue.

My advise may sound like I am on the mans side and asking you to swallow too much to keep the peace but Ogbon gbon ni eyon fin mu okurin.

Trust you wink

1 Like

Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by flak: 10:02pm On Feb 25, 2011
Some men dont deal well with their wives being too independent

thanks for your response, i have thought so hard and tried to study him to know his reasons and i have reached two conclusions

1. the uncontrolled passion to be in control

2. his jealous nature - correct me if i am wrong- is there anything wrong in dropping off a male colleague along the way on my way home. assuming it is wrong. does it warrant a statement like 'i did not buy u a car to be dropping ur male colleagues.'

when he is in his happy mood ,i try to find out why he is so touchy about me relating with the men folk he says he is only being protective. i really dont get it
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Jenifa1: 10:13pm On Feb 25, 2011
flak:

Some men dont deal well with their wives being too independent

thanks for your response, i have thought so hard and tried to study him to know his reasons and i have reached two conclusions

1. the uncontrolled passion to be in control

2. his jealous nature - correct me if i am wrong- is there anything wrong in dropping off a male colleague along the way on my way home. assuming it is wrong. does it warrant a statement like 'i did not buy u a car to be dropping your male colleagues.'

when he is in his happy mood ,i try to find out why he is so touchy about me relating with the men folk he says he is only being protective.  i really dont get it

he definitely is a control freak.
trying to control your movements and everyday activities.

but it surprises me more that you are looking for 'coping strategies' rather than a way out of it.
I guess you must have concluded that there is no way out and have resigned yourself to fate.

-- well, you can try spending less time with him. I'm not saying you should completely avoid him. but when you know he has started his trouble, just leave his presence and come back after he is more calm.

-- spend a lot more time with your kids and nurture them more. It will serve as an escape from your unhappy marriage/lack of a professional job, but I think it will be good for your children in the long run and make you happier than you are now.

1 Like

Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 10:20pm On Feb 25, 2011
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Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by flak: 10:43pm On Feb 25, 2011
but it surprises me more that you are looking for 'coping strategies' rather than a way out of it.
I guess you must have concluded that there is no way out and have resigned yourself to fate.


jenifa thanks i will tell you why i resolved to coping strategies. My dad is so angry that my husband has refused me to work though he is quiet about it. I bet what all my family is waiting for is for me to say i am no longer interested and puff A BREAKUP IN REALITY which honestly i have not made up my mind about.

Bear in mind, my parents have been happily married for more than 30 years but he does not believe in one staying in an unhappy marriage.

i hope u understand where i am coming from.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Outstrip(f): 11:31pm On Feb 25, 2011
Beating you when you were pregnant? Listening to spiritualists that have convinced him that you are witch(this is even more dangerous than the beating during pregnancy)? I am sorry but common sense will not work in this case. You cannot approach this with "a plan". I am not sure the man is okay. In my opinion she has to go back to work. The man is wicked and inconsiderate. If he leaves her today then she has no way to take care of herself or her children. She simply needs to go back to work. It's for her own and the kids benefits. This is bigger than verbal abuse. I know some crazy men that can be scary but it takes a shameless person to beat his pregnant wife. The first step for her in my opinion is to go back to work.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 11:46pm On Feb 25, 2011
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Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Jenifa1: 12:12am On Feb 26, 2011
flak:

but it surprises me more that you are looking for 'coping strategies' rather than a way out of it.
I guess you must have concluded that there is no way out and have resigned yourself to fate.


jenifa thanks i will tell you why i resolved to coping strategies. My dad is so angry that my husband has refused me to work though he is quiet about it. I bet what all my family is waiting for is for me to say i am no longer interested and puff A BREAKUP IN REALITY which honestly i have not made up my mind about.

Bear in mind, my parents have been happily married for more than 30 years but he does not believe in one staying in an unhappy marriage.

i hope u understand where i am coming from.

I think I see where you are coming from. I would probably have a hard time too if i were in your shoes and especially 3 kids. Although I might leave the house temporarily while waiting to decide what to do. especially if there is physical abuse/beatings involved.

How long did were you courting for? Has he always been abusive? when did the abuse start and do you know what started it?
were you guys clear on how to divide responsibilities before getting married? ex. who will be working/taking care of kids/ will both of you be working etc or you never discussed all these.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Cougar2: 12:23am On Feb 26, 2011
flak:

hi nairalanders, i just joined this forum hoping to get some useful advice.

I have been married for 5 years with a dose of the happy, good, bad and ugly moments. I really need help on how to cope with a verbally abusive husband that i have endured all these while.

i have left the house once to go to a friends place when i got tired of his rantings only to come back and get beaten up while i was 4 months pregnant.

He apologised but i cant seem to get it off my mind. The last straw is trying to paint me as a 'witch' because he lost his job (nationwide bank layoffs) recently with the help of some false prophets who rally around him because of money. He is still very much financially ok  cos he is was a part of top management team and has good prospects of getting another job. I think he is using that as a weapon because i insisted i want to get a job.He believes because he did not allow me get a job i am using my 'imagined evil powers' to bewitch him and his job.

I am a chartered accountant and was previously working with stanbic ibtc. I had to leave when he almost suffocated me with complaints. I resigned hoping he would change his mind about his position but no after 3 years.

I have my own faults because i am not a kind of person that pretends i am happy when i am not. i have insisted that either i get a job or nothing else. i have lost all trust in him and he is smart enough to notice it. Any mention of my job it is another rain of verbal abuse but i really am past caring.i have lost all confidence in him because i find it strange that after 5 years he now thinks i am evil becuse i want a job.

truth is i am beginning to break down with his incessant abuses, control freakish attitude and always right attitude.
i have 3 children . pls advise me on coping strategies.

marriage is an entrapment.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by obowunmi(m): 2:22am On Feb 26, 2011
Blazay's comment is hillarious ---- hahahaha!

I don't advocate for divorce but having your children watch your husband abuse you, is not the way to go.

Separate from your husband with immediate effect, go for marital counselling while separeted to see how you can work things out. This is NOT really about you anymore but your children watching you get abused: phyically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.

Do you have a daughter ? Do you want her to learn that its ok for men she's dating to beat and disrespect her ? Hmmmm
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 9:48am On Feb 26, 2011
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Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by horny4u(f): 10:06am On Feb 26, 2011
As much as I love what CC wrote (I am a big fan of hers) I beg to disagree in your case your hubby does not sound like a rational person to beat a 4 months pregnant woman is next to evil, to label u a witch is evil. The question you must ask u is that if those prophets say to him that your death will bring his wealth back: will he kill u? If he does your 3 children who will take care of them.
You need to think carefully and choose between being alive or being a MRS. Nothing worse than an irrational person in the hands of remote control woli.
As for getting a job, Get a job yesterday not having your own money is a sin against you n your children.Trust you were created completely and you do need to be in love not to be in war.
Pray hard and put your kids n u first.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by ifyalways(f): 10:31am On Feb 26, 2011
When someone is constantly abused verbally or physically,he/she does NOT need a soothsayer to tell him/her she to[b] MOVE OUT FIRST.[/b]
Seriously,do you want to stay,pray and hope that he changes till the day he wud be pushed to kill you?
In your case,you might not have to separate YET but please g[b]et out of the house everyday,get a job and let him stay alone and get over his frustration  . . .[/b]
Which kind of man wud stop as low as calling his wife a witch?
Get out(get a job)do your wifely duties as much as u can but give him space . . .he can sit at home and mumble all day to himself.
Wait ooh,did i even hear u say Spiritualists?  shocked He patronizes them?You need to let him know u are informing someone,preferably a close family relative and lawyer of his activities and allegations against you  . . .just in case.Don't sit down and wait till they instruct him to bring your head for sacrifice before you do something.He just got laid-off,he is mad at everything and everyone and might "act before he thinks" . . .
On the other hand,since he lost his Job,have your xter towards him changed?Do u still love and respect him,do and say those lil' things that make him smile?He is still your husband and u can still win him back . . .IF he lets you.
Encourage him,love him and do your duties as a wife but don't fold your hands and let him kill you JUST COS u want to be a wife.
show him u still love him,say it act it,even though hes not listening/watching.
He needs space now,give it to him and use the opportunity to work out something for urself by getting a job.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 10:46am On Feb 26, 2011
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Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by flak: 10:58am On Feb 26, 2011
Dont shoot me, but we have only heard one side of the story.

yes u are right. I think the biggest fault i have is right from the beginning i have been trying to look past everything without really bearing my mind and now that i am frustrated i am passing the message most likely in the wrong way and he is seeing me as a different person.
not that usually 'its always ok person' .

The reason i cant get over the incident is that the baby girl i gave birth to has to leave with a health condition that is not so palatable for life.

As for the job he never gave me an inkling during courtship that he wouldnt want be to work. we actually met when he came to market my boss then for deposits.

i cant be without faults but if only the verbal abuse could stop i could bear evry other thing.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by obowunmi(m): 11:04am On Feb 26, 2011
Flaks read my comment and think about the environment your children are growing up in ----
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by obowunmi(m): 11:06am On Feb 26, 2011
The long term effects of domestic violence on ur children is far worse than forcing urself to stay a MRS. A word is enough for the wise, pick ur battles wisely.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 11:08am On Feb 26, 2011
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Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Busybody2(f): 11:34am On Feb 26, 2011
What have we here, hmmm, coping strategies for:

1) A verbally abusive immature husband who relishes putting you down.

2) A Husband who beats you whilst four months pregnant all because you temporarily left home when you realised you could not handle his frequent verbal onslaught.

3) A household whereby the controlling Husband has lost his job and does not want his wife to work to supplement the household income due to jealousy.

4) Your Husband was not the one who called you a witch, rather it was some Prophets whose help he enlisted, who told him you were the witch behind his predicament.



COPING SOLUTION TO THE ABOVE LISTED

1) Surely, he can't be putting you down for the past 5 years since you have been married  because you want to work or because you are a witch, so what is it? Why/how does he put you down so we will know what specific coping strategy to recommend?

2) The fact that you brushed things under the carpet and allow him get away with hitting you the first time means he will do it again, and since you want to stay against all odds, i know you can buy bullet-proof vest and stab-proof vests, so I am sure you can get punch-proof vest if you ask around. We will also try our best to enquire where you can purchase or lease this from.

3) I would have advised you to go and get a job asap since you don't need to be a rocket scientist that your Husband's money will soon run out and you would have to beg, borrow, or steal to keep your 3 children in School and put food on the table. But you might not have to do this yet, because you have a lovely Dad waiting in the offing wink

4) I am sure you didn't think they will label you the witch behind his turn of fortune and "that is it", OF COURSE NOT, they have to profer a solution to justify their fees for the selfless humanitarian services they are doing for your Husband, so the solution they have to come up with is none other than to: to exorcise you, beat you, whip the living daylight outta you to confess to WHAT YOU ARE NOT, so berra go and polish your acting skills to make your confession/denial easier and believable OTHERWISE get ready to be replaced by a younger non-witch model wifey.  


I am not a fan of letting the right hand know what the left hand is doing and hate the feeling of being a goldfish in a bowl and passionately detest getting Elders and outsiders involved in family issues, but sometimes we have to put up our hands that we have tried our best . . . I can feel the hurt in your heart and your yearning on making this marriage work, hence reason you vaguely chipped in that you had your own faults too, but your Dad has seen through your non-faults too, so use the opportunity you have to get them involved in this situation before it blows out of proportion.  

Most importantly, Thank God you have a good Dad with a good head on his shoulder who is not like the typical naija parents mentality that marriage na do or die affair who knows not to interfere and has allowed you to continue striving to make your marriage work, and has silently reassured you that you will be welcomed back home with both hands should your strength fail you wink Yes we are now grown folks but the age difference between our parents having us then, and now, is still the same, we are still the same clumsy dribbling bumbling cute doe-eyed babies and toddlers with unsteady feet they once craddled in their arms. . . He is offering you a shoulder to lean on, make the most of it,  It is well.
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Busybody2(f): 11:45am On Feb 26, 2011
I posted before reading your last comment, but i still reiterate you have no fault in this issue you have tabled before us, there is nothing wrong in saying enough is enough when you have had enough. An husband who dares open his mouth to call his wife and mother of his children a witch behind his ill-fortune has crossed the line AND YOUR FATHER DIDN'T RAISE NO DAMNED WITCH SO GET YOUR PARENTS TO NOTIFY HIS PARENTS OF WHAT THEIR SON IS DOING TO THEIR DAUGHTER AND LET THEM GET YOU OUT OF THERE ASAP before the news spread round that you are a witch and someone throws a burning tire on your neck undecided
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 11:53am On Feb 26, 2011
Busy_body:

I posted before reading your last comment, but i still reiterate you have no fault in this issue you have tabled before us, there is nothing wrong in saying enough is enough when you have had enough,  AND YOUR FATHER DIDN'T RAISE NO DAMNED WITCH SO GET YOUR PARENTS TO NOTIFY HIS PARENTS OF WHAT THERE SON IS DOING TO THEIR DAUGHTER AND LET THEM GET YOU OUT OF THERE ASAP before the news spread round that you are a witch and someone throws a burning tire on your neck undecided

Thank you thank you and thank you. I was just typing those words and was about to click on  reply before a notification came on with your reply.

How can people even suggest she stays in that house and make things work, are we in a fairy land? a man verbally abuses me and then constantly calls me a witch and you expect me to stay with him under the same roof? undecided

Worst off is calling her a witch. Jesus christ. Marriage is not for every bloody person for heaven's sake.

Peace my foot, try to keep the peace in that home and allow my son and daughter watch the way their parents live and how daddy uses "bad words" on mummy? Is this marriage so much more important than my kids? psychologically aftermath of these is enough to make my son see all women as eediots he can speak to anyhow at anytime and my daughter scared of going under a man's roof.

Leave that house(if you know you want to live long to see your kids grow) for bloody's sake and f[i]u[/i]ck peace.

GADDAMIT angry

1 Like

Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Mobinga: 12:05pm On Feb 26, 2011
Amebo
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 12:08pm On Feb 26, 2011
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Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 12:09pm On Feb 26, 2011
Mobinga:

Amebo
Obinna ogi'ni tongue
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Mobinga: 12:18pm On Feb 26, 2011
shocked shocked shocked Obinna shocked shocked shocked I am not even Igbo angry
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by Nobody: 12:21pm On Feb 26, 2011
Mobinga:

shocked shocked shocked Obinna shocked shocked shocked I am not even Igbo angry



Akuko grin

@CC
Please I don't care if men throw tantrums or not, no man for no reason should throw strong and silly accusations on his wife.

A man told his wife she ate his baby and you call that throwing tantrums to get a reaction? seriously so because they do this, women should be the bigger fools and swallow it? seriously undecided
Re: Help, How Do I Cope With A Verbally Abusive Husband by ifyalways(f): 12:27pm On Feb 26, 2011
jennykadry:

Obinna ogi'ni tongue


Gi bu nwa sef grin
Mobinga =Obinna .
LOL

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