Enjoy!


(In the compound of a sprawling mansion in Lagos. Riotous singing and drumming by aso ebi-clad supporters)

A ti nreti re, ka’abo se dada lo de
A ti nreti re, ka’abo se dada lo de

Winner o o o winner
Winner o o o winner

Lagos Boy you don win o winner
Patapata you go win forever
Winner

Odale se se se oju ti won o
eh 
O ma se oju t’elegan o
L’oju a mo koko bi kile o d’amo
O ma se oju t’elegan o

“Madam Roli, Madam Roli, can you tell our people outside to reduce the noise? I am trying to have a word with Bode on behalf of the elders’ caucus of the PDP. We need to debrief your husband.”

“Ok, Baba, I will tell them. I hope your people are fine in Otta sir”

“O kare iyawo wa. Well done, our dear wife. Ku afoju ba once again. Your husband is looking younger even after the enemies have done their worst.”

“Em,  Baba, Roli is my wife o. Not our wife. I’m still alive abeg. I only went to jail. Anyway, Roli, se awon supporters won yen ti jeun? They’ve eaten? Good. Tell them to reduce the noise like Baba said. Tell them we are expecting twelve more trailers of cows tomorrow for distribution to each ward. The remaining five trailers of aso ebi should be reserved for the women’s delegation coming from Abuja.”

“Bode, once again, ka’abo. You are welcome. We thank God. Where are the traitors behind your travails today? Awon da loni? One languished in a hospital in Saudi Arabia before returning home to meet his maker. The rest of that rude and power drunk cabal is history. They did all this to you just to get at me. Awon afore su ni se buruku.”

“Baba, e ku ile once again. I am so happy to be back with you and I am moved to tears by all the support from our people. Our convoy could hardly move through the crowd of supporters. We even performed better than when Alamsco returned from London to the warm of embrace of his people in Akwa Ibom. God has really honoured us. But where are Gbenga and Ayo? They came to the church and should have followed us home in the convoy.”

(Baba laughs)

“Why? Am I missing something?”

“Ah, Bode, see what prison has done to you. God soda Yar’Adua’s mouth wherever he is. I thought they allowed you to read newspapers and watch TV in the presidential wing of kirikiri that we arranged for you?”

“I still don’t understand what I am missing here.”
“Well, all lizards lie prostrate. How to tell the one with a bellyache?”

“Meaning?”

“Haba, Bode, you no longer know the meaning of all lizards lie prostrate? A ni gbogbo alangba lo danu de le. Just because you saw Gbenga Daniel and Ayo Fayose in church does not mean that they are still with us.”

“O ti o. Those are our boys now”

“Ah, Bode, things happened while you were away! Iya je mi! You won’t believe that Gbenga became so power drunk and arrogant that he started pointing in the direction of Otta with his left hand!”

“Haba, Baba, Gbenga cannot do that to you. He cannot do that to us! Mo j’eri e. Gbenga is a river that came into being before our very eyes. How can its currents sweep one away?”

“That’s what my eyes saw o, Bode, but I still dey kampe sha.”

“So Gbenga is truly misbehaving? What happened? We were around when that boy was born. Oju wa na se bi. We even watched him grow up. Awa la wo d’agba. How can he turn against you, Baba?”

“That is life for you, Bode. Osoba won that election but we did our usual do and gave Gbenga egusi soup but he has now drenched his chest with palm oil. But Gbenga’s own is even small o. The arifin I have been receiving from Fayose is worse”

“Ehn, Ayo Fayose too?”

“Yes o, I don’t even know the mouth with which to tell that one’s story. That naughty person saw me in Okuku and called me a father of bastards.”

“Eewo! Abomination! Fayose said that to you?”

“Look, Bode, today is not the day to talk about all these useless boys that we picked up from the gutter and made governors. We have work to do. We have so much lost territory to reconquer. We lost most of the southwest in your absence. And Fashola has been behaving here in Lagos like the rat that became a landlord in the absence of the cat.”

“This is all so depressing, Baba. How did we lose Ekiti, Ondo, and Osun? Where was Goodluck Jonathan?”

“Jonathan? Bode, please don’t mention tails in the presence of frogs. I have been trying hard to use patience in my dealings with that man.”

“And it’s not working? Didn’t they say that she controls the man?”

“Who is talking about his wife? I mean one needs patience to deal with Goodluck because of his perpetual sme sme. He has been misbehaving on the do-or-die front. He is not delivering at all. For instance, he was supposed to have announced a presidential pardon for you as part of a process of national healing before our convoy arrived here from church. That is what we instructed him to do. We also asked him to upgrade your national honour to GCON. Once your rehabilitation is complete, I am thinking of retiring and handling over the mantle of Founder of Modern Nigeria to you.”

“That is true o. I am surprised that he hasn’t announced my presidential pardon yet. Maybe he wants to announce it when I join him for breakfast in the Villa next week.”

“He has surrounded himself with too many drunken fishermen sailors who are talking nonsense and making him wobble and fumble through every assignment we give him. Just imagine what he did with our winning formula for the April elections.”

“What’s the formula, Baba?”

“As you know, we are going to win the election the usual way and we expect Buhari, Ribadu, and Utomi to go to court as usual after addressing press conferences with my friend, Jimmy Carter. We know what will happen when they get to the Supreme Court because the judgement to be read by Katisna-Alu and supported by Ogebe will be written by some of my boys in Otta. In fact, we already have anticipatory drafts and Katsina-Alu will be in Otta to practice judgement delivery next week. Our only problem is the Court of Appeal where Justice Ayo Salami has refused to play ball so far. We asked Goodluck to take care of that problem.”

“That’s a small problem now.”

“That’s what we thought. Jonathan outsourced the assignment to Katsina-Alu and they somehow bungled it. The whole thing exploded in our faces, causing untold embarrassment.  Now, the man is still there as President of the Appeal Court and that could cause a lot of problems for us in April.”

“That’s true Baba. That is one problem we need to solve immediately. Why didn’t they just use the Esa Oke protocol? Didn’t anyone think of that?”

“Of course we thought of the Esa Oke protocol. One of my boys even mentioned it to me again recently during Oyinlola’s birthday thanksgiving in Okuku but after careful consideration we decided to just leave that option on the table for now.”

“That’s good, Baba but I hope that Anenih, Andy Uba, Ahmadu Ali, Babangida, and all our other people are aware that we may need to put that option to good use after April, ”

“Yes, our people are fully aware of that. Let’s talk serious business jare. Bode, tibi nko?

“Tibi?”

“Yes, Bode, what about tibi? Where is tibi?”

“Baba, I don’t understand the tibi that you are talking about o.”

“Bode, you just love to joke with serious matters. Abeg, talk better jare. The day is far spent. A o r’ojo mu so l’okun. I still need to get to Otta today.”

“Baba, I’m serious o. I don’t understand the tibi that you are talking about. Unbind me. E tu mi nle.”

“Bode, are you serious?”

“Baba, I’m not joking o.”

“Bode, you are starting to annoy me. Must I speak with the full complement of my mouth?”

“Baba, I honestly don’t understand what you are talking about.”

“I am talking about the eighty billion naira.”

“Eighty billion?”

“Bode, you are misbehaving o. Did the judge who sent you to prison ask you to refund kobo? Look at what happened to Tafa Balogun, Lucky Igbinedion, and Cecilia Ibru who all went through the injustice of having to refund a small part of their jibiti to the Nigerian state. You think your head is different from theirs? When did monkeys start boasting of a better destiny than gorillas?”

“Baba, ”

“Don’t baba me at all Bode. Did Balogun, Igbinedion, and Ibru offend God? No. But they were asked to refund various sums of money. Who do you think worked the miracle that allowed you to keep all of your own tibi and to return to it and all the interest accumulated after thirty months in prison?”

“Baba, ”

“I am still talking, Bode. Who do you think worked that miracle for you? Enoch Adeboye? David Oyedepo? Chris Oyakhilome? No, my friend. Some of us pulled a lot of strings during your trial. The judge didn’t wake up and allowed you to keep eighty billion naira just like that.”
“But Baba, ”

“No need to argue any further, Bode. Here is what you will do. You will do omoluwabi to me with five billion naira; you will do omoluwabi to the Jonathan/Sambo campaign with five billion naira; you will do omoluwabi to the PDP national secretariat with five billion naira; you will earmark another five billion naira for omoluwabi to other deserving stakeholders, elder statesmen, and chieftains of the PDP. That still leaves you sixty billion naira and interest accrued. Go and sin no more with that one.”

“Haba, Baba, you won’t even let me rest before, ”

“Bode, Bode, Bode, how many times have I called you? Farida Waziri has been a very good girl since Ribadu was booted out of the EFCC. She has been a very useful girl. If you now need outsiders to explain omoluwabi to you, I can get Jonathan to activate Waziri.”

“Baba, all I am trying to say is that the money is, ”

“O-r-d-e-r-l-y!!!!!!”

“Sah!!!!!!”

“Tell the driver to get ready. We are leaving for Otta right now.”