Why do you have to move in with him?You can still get to know someone by paying visits.I'll never agree with my daughter living with someone she isn't married to.

Your boyfriend/fiance does not think you should stay with him and enjoy things in the house without contributing.You are NOT yet his wife,so he doesn't see why he has to take up that much responsibility or he isn't matured enough to see it that way.

Marriages differ especially in this dispensation.There are those who decide that theirs will be such that the wife and husband will bring money in percentages for all bills while there are those who are traditional and the man will handle things like rent school fees etc while the wife will take care of other things.Your boyfriend is the former as he has shown and if you're that type that wants to keep her money,it won't work out.

Finally,there is sexual frustration.I guess it was your idea that sex will wait till marriage and he agreed.However,that agreement especially when you decide to move in with him puts him at a more difficult position Is he a virgin too?

DaddyRochie1642:
Madam if nobody here wants to tell you the truth, then I DaddyRochie will Tell you the Bitter Truth.


From your Story up there, you are displaying the typical Nigerian woman Selfishness and I say this without Remorse.... Even if that man eats Five times a day and you eat twice a day, the mistake you made from the beginning is to wait for the man to complain first before you start contributing to food stuffs,

I read in your story where you said you and him contributed half of the money to pay for the DStv subscription and you said you find it absurd..Didnt your mother tell you that marriage is all about Team-Work.. don't you know genuine team work from the parties involved moves a team forward.

Let me tell you a Secret, anytime you hear a woman say "I'm Fighting for my Marriage or I Will Fight For my Marriage",... believe me, that woman made that Statement because she invested alot of effort into that marriage, thats why she won't let that marriage crumble just like that without a Fight.


Lastly, why do I have this feeling that you just moved in with that man out of Pity,

I put it to you that you have no feelings for that man.. you moved in with that man with this mentality of
"I Deserve to be taken care of and he is supposed to move heaven and Earth to take care of Me".... Better discard that Foolish mentality in your Head and Contribute positively to that man's Life, give that man peace of mind, support that man, you don't need to wait for him to start lamenting.

I know you have no feelings for that man, and you're with him out of Pity, stop Deceiving yourself and that man and do the needful.

A smart woman will never see anything wrong in equal contribution in order to move a home forward that she will still enjoy the Lion Share in the Long Run.

Simply put, I can tell you without Remorse that you're not Mentally ready for Marriage..go and meet your mother to educate you more on marriage.

Not pity. I considered it. Didn’t like him at first n got to like him. If I didn’t like him Is it hard to move back to my house where I still hv d keys to currently

thorpido:
Why do you have to move in with him?You can still get to know someone by paying visits.I'll never agree with my daughter living with someone she isn't married to.

You boyfriend/fiance does not think you should stay with him and enjoy things in the house without contributing.You are NOT yet his wife,so he doesn't see why he has to take up that much responsibility or he isn't matured enough to see it that way.
Marriages differ especially in this dispensation.There are those who decide that theirs will be such that the wife and husband will bring money in percentages for all bills while there are those who are traditional and the man will handle things like rent school fees etc while the wife will take care of other things.You boyfriend will be the former as he has shown and if you're that type that wants to keep her money,it won't work out.

True....
I don’t hv issue contributing but like I said, the issue is he just doesn’t see it as enough because he is someone whose salary use to finish by month end (before I moved in with him, he enjoys buying and spending on God knows what and I used to borrow him money then though he would pay back but because he has paid debt, the salary won’t be enough still and the borrowing cycle would continue) whereas, I was someone who live within my means and manage my tastebud and life within it...
so to meet up to his standard, My contribution would have to drain me the way he has always been drained before my contribution can make sense to him. I don’t want to be a borrower

Iamafinegirl:


True....
I don’t hv issue contributing but like I said, the issue is he just doesn’t see it as enough because he is someone whose salary use to finish by month end (before I moved in with him, he enjoys buying and spending on God knows what and I used to borrow him money then though he would pay back but because he has paid debt, the salary won’t be enough still and the borrowing cycle would continue) whereas, I was someone who live within my means and manage my tastebud and life within it...
so to meet up to his standard, My contribution would have to drain me the way he has always been drained before my contribution can make sense to him. I don’t want to be a borrower

There's an issue here which is his spending habits.You will need to help him do something about this if you are going to be together.Obviously living together only makes it worse because he has to spend more.Why then do you have a problem with contributing more money?
If you want to continue this present arrangement(I'll say go home though),you will have to both work with a budget and decide on who brings what and in what percentage.

Iamafinegirl:

Roughly same range

then you have a big problem..... Continue the relationship or allow it lead to marry. May give your premium tears.

Iamafinegirl:

I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.

The man is most likely sexually frustrated and there is no way you can fully see what marriage to him feels like with this your arrangement.

You have a 60 / 40 budget agreement why not stick to it?

Sit down draw up a budget for expenses and decide who does what.

It is 2021 nobody should over work themselves to provide for another adult same way you both should share house chores. You are acting selfishly, you bought only what you need yet you have everything else for free.

If you want to marry a traditional man who will pay all the bills it is fine but dont complain when he demands traditional behaviour from you as a wife.


An adult pays bills where they live this is not strange; the kind of marriages our parents had should be phasing out and we should be learning to do better

DaddyRochie1642:
Madam if nobody here wants to tell you the truth, then I DaddyRochie will Tell you the Bitter Truth.


From your Story up there, you are displaying the typical Nigerian woman Selfishness and I say this without Remorse.... Even if that man eats Five times a day and you eat twice a day, the mistake you made from the beginning is to wait for the man to complain first before you start contributing to food stuffs,

I read in your story where you said you and him contributed half of the money to pay for the DStv subscription and you said you find it absurd..Didnt your mother tell you that marriage is all about Team-Work.. don't you know genuine team work from the parties involved moves a team forward.

Let me tell you a Secret, anytime you hear a woman say "I'm Fighting for my Marriage or I Will Fight For my Marriage",... believe me, that woman made that Statement because she invested alot of effort into that marriage, thats why she won't let that marriage crumble just like that without a Fight.


Lastly, why do I have this feeling that you just moved in with that man out of Pity,

I put it to you that you have no feelings for that man.. you moved in with that man with this mentality of
"I Deserve to be taken care of and he is supposed to move heaven and Earth to take care of Me".... Better discard that Foolish mentality in your Head and Contribute positively to that man's Life, give that man peace of mind, support that man, you don't need to wait for him to start lamenting.

I know you have no feelings for that man, and you're with him out of Pity, stop Deceiving yourself and that man and do the needful.

A smart woman will never see anything wrong in equal contribution in order to move a home forward that she will still enjoy the Lion Share in the Long Run.

Simply put, I can tell you without Remorse that you're not Mentally ready for Marriage..go and meet your mother to educate you more on marriage.

Thank you

Iamafinegirl:

But we agreed till after marriage together.

Your boyfriend is reacting badly because he hadn't taste your honey, he is no more seeing reasons to keep you under his roof

Hatima:
That man didn't love you to be honest. If he did or does you won't be here asking for advice. I think u underestimate how well people pretend.

Exactly. I think he just got over that initial gra gra and "infatuation" phase where he would do anything for her. Long time love commitment is never easy if it's not absolutely genuine from the start...

Iamafinegirl:

If I didn’t live with him I would never have known him like this. He was so in love with me that he didn’t leave evn when I didn’t agree for one and half year. He would go get me pizza at night say 10pm if I wanted it and bring it to my house. He would wake me every morning to wake up for office etc. To be honest. I Don’t regret it Cus I didn’t sin.
It makes me so scared of dating or courtship the way the church wants us to do it rather. Afar... you never get to know the person. Isn’t it better I feel this pain before marriage or if I would, go into marriage knowing the full version of what I would expect ?

Even if you didn't live with him, you'll still discover these traits of you want to.


That's no justification.

I am really surprised at those saying it's bcs be his sex starve that's y his behaving that way.
Since wen did sex became the center of what help bring in happiness in a relationship.
If this girl were to b ur blood relative u would tell to remain in the relationship and give sex then the guy il b alright.
Poster God is giving u an expo to a life time journey of life and u r questioning it. If u marry that guy u il liv in regrets... A man takes care of his home the wife assists when she feel the need too don't normalize rubbish that marriage is a 50-50 thing... Even asking you to spilt apple of 800 naira he bought 50-50 and you r asking for advice... Pack your stuff back to it house and quit that relationship ... RUN DONT EVEN KEEP HIM AS A FRIEND.

Iamafinegirl:

I can be scared of marriage too. I wanted to see what my experience would be with him. I knew I was strong like I can do without premarital sex so I won’t be tempted. Is it not because of sex they say don’t go to your man’s place. If it was just him coming to see me and leave, I would never get to see him or know him to this extent. I swear with my life. I would have a rude shock to what my upbringing was patterned as. I feel it’s necessary but we don’t preach it this way because a lot of people lack ability to say no to sex

In other words, you are currently on internship.

DaddyRochie1642:
Madam if nobody here wants to tell you the truth, then I DaddyRochie will Tell you the Bitter Truth.


From your Story up there, you are displaying the typical Nigerian woman Selfishness and I say this without Remorse.... Even if that man eats Five times a day and you eat twice a day, the mistake you made from the beginning is to wait for the man to complain first before you start contributing to food stuffs,

I read in your story where you said you and him contributed half of the money to pay for the DStv subscription and you said you find it absurd..Didnt your mother tell you that marriage is all about Team-Work.. don't you know genuine team work from the parties involved moves a team forward.

Let me tell you a Secret, anytime you hear a woman say "I'm Fighting for my Marriage or I Will Fight For my Marriage",... believe me, that woman made that Statement because she invested alot of effort into that marriage, thats why she won't let that marriage crumble just like that without a Fight.


Lastly, why do I have this feeling that you just moved in with that man out of Pity,

I put it to you that you have no feelings for that man.. you moved in with that man with this mentality of
"I Deserve to be taken care of and he is supposed to move heaven and Earth to take care of Me".... Better discard that Foolish mentality in your Head and Contribute positively to that man's Life, give that man peace of mind, support that man, you don't need to wait for him to start lamenting.

I know you have no feelings for that man, and you're with him out of Pity, stop Deceiving yourself and that man and do the needful.

A smart woman will never see anything wrong in equal contribution in order to move a home forward that she will still enjoy the Lion Share in the Long Run.

Simply put, I can tell you without Remorse that you're not Mentally ready for Marriage..go and meet your mother to educate you more on marriage.

You just open your mouth and spill......

He has not married you yet therefore its wrong to be living with him. that is cohabitation.

since u are not married its wrong for him to be making all those financial demands.

man = provider
woman = helper

sit down and iron out things with him, stating what u wont accept. Every man expects his lady to contribute but not in this manner.

Iamafinegirl:

If I didn’t live with him I would never have known him like this. He was so in love with me that he didn’t leave evn when I didn’t agree for one and half year. He would go get me pizza at night say 10pm if I wanted it and bring it to my house. He would wake me every morning to wake up for office etc. To be honest. I Don’t regret it Cus I didn’t sin.
It makes me so scared of dating or courtship the way the church wants us to do it rather. Afar... you never get to know the person. Isn’t it better I feel this pain before marriage or if I would, go into marriage knowing the full version of what I would expect ?

U will really never know a person totally until he marries you. He has alot he won't show yet until he wifes you. U are just suffocating him with cohabitation which is wrong on all levels.

My darling
Firstly, leave his house, you're not married to him.
Secondly run for you dare life and for your sanity.
If eventually you get married to him,you will get tired with that attitude,a man should perform his responsibilities without complain,when children start coming,is that how he will complain about milk,foodstuffs etc.
To me he is sounding like a stingy man who will not take his eyes off his wife's money, and want them to share responsibilities equally.what's that?
A man is to take full responsibilities of his family,then the wife supports him.

He alone isn't the problem, but both of you are the problem. None of you is selfless for each other. Anyway, a relatively harmonious marriage can still happen between the two of you, but it'll be possible through prenuptial/material bound marriage arrangement, rather than love bound marriage, where everyone will lay down bare what they must make available at every given time and what they will expect the other person to always make available at every given time, etc.

Ecbatana:

I've been married for more than 20yrs peaceful I would advise you to move out of his house go rent you apartment and stay but don't break up with him. Tell him to come marry you officially. After that he will know that it is his responsibility to take care of a wife
Women are only helping us it is not a woman's responsibility to bring money home. But the hardship in the world has made it look like it is. A woman is a helper not the one to shoulder responsibility. Mind you am not saying my wife doesn't contribute to the family upkeep how she does it is strictly her choice. I pay house rent children school fees and virtually every bill. Most of her money goes into clothing for the children, herself and occasionally me. I don't ask her to give me anything
Recently as things changed from the covid era, she now allows me to know about her salary. Now we
are planning to take loan with her salary account to put in my business. JUST BE WISE N ASK GOD FOR DIRECTION YOU CAN'T MAKE A MISTAKE IN MARRIED IT WILL BE DEADLY. YOU TALK AS A GOOD WIFE MATERIAL. GOD BLESS YOU

If he can ask you to split 800naira and pay half for Apple he bought, it means you don't even get to enjoy weekend outings or some small chops treats from him.
It is well

what are you doing there self. from your write up you really don't love this man you know it. the man is just carrying burden on his head. some guys don't want to have sense.

he is frustrated. you are living with someone no kiss. what are you doing there for over 1 year. yet you him to be taking care of you. no way he is going to be very mean and irritated. you are just trying to see if you can live with him and not because you even love him.


you better go rent your own house and stay far from him.

Iamafinegirl:
Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.
When I came he would say they should put on the gen anytime there was no light for me and all, he was sweet.
With time he started complaining that he was buying all the food in the house and I wasn’t contributing as much as he wants.
He eats about 5 times a day while I eat twice or one and half times (fruit, oat and pap) a day because me I am watching my weight.
He would complain the milk he bought had finished and all...and it was with some level of anger or bitterness about buying the food stuff.
Pls note that I consume 25% - 30% of all he eats.
I later started buying my milk to avoid issues since I knew that’s what I consume most (with my oat or pap) which makes one of my meal for the day but he was angry about me buying it separately but I did that because I felt there would be peace that way. I would still buy milk and keep and he can say I am using more than he is using inside the milk
He complained about repairs (light), complained about buying dstv subscription, nepa light payment etc. You just list any house thing he started complained about doing it.
I on my path do contribute the way I spent before I came to stay with him. (I wasn’t a huge spender as I eat very small food) and so my money use to remain which he used to borrow from me when we werent together.
We had a him 60k and me 40k arrangement for food fuel light etc but we never put it together and so each week I did ensure I spend 10k. But apparently he wasn’t seeing it. I would come from market and he would say what is all this, this is worth 5k. It use to hurt so much because I wld show him the list but he would still say this same thing. I have never asked him how much he bought things if he goes to market talk less if say it’s not up to a certain amount.
He said later that he can’t marry a woman who works and won’t contribute for light, food, repair, gen etc....
So even today we contributed for dstv 4700, I paid half and he paid half.
It looks sort of absurd and a no no to me
Yesterday he bought apples 800 naira and I paid half and he paid half....
And so that’s how the current life would be....
I contributed to the rent also but he said no... that he would “dash me” rent.
I see it upside down for a man to be saying he is paying rent and see it that he is dashing me. When I can pay my rent by myself. If I was living alone the same way he has been living alone, won’t I do my repair, dstv subscription etc without asking anybody? So why is it a big deal the moment I stepped in? This are things if my friend came to live with me to God who made me I would do/ take responsibility for because the dstv subscription I would have paid for before won’t change with your presence...the only thing that may change is water and food.
This is dating phase, please what marriage would become of this.
Am I the one at fault?
I need honest reviews so I can know if I am having problem and if I need to work on myself or if I need to run.
My parents marriage wasn’t like this my dad bought food and mum did other investments for the family or so and it was never an issue or was there a specific fight that you, you are not buying enough milk on the house or I can’t see d 10k food u said you just bought...it doesn’t look it etc.
He would also say me I want to be saving my money and all.
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?

Na wah for you ooo madam.

You are not just dealing with an immature partner, what you have there is a narcissist who will never see anything good in whatever you do. There is no way to explain this to you. You have seen the signs early and best for you to move on now and save your sanity. You also have to deal with your own insecurities because it's difficult to understand why you live a year with a man who you say you intend to marry and not much intimacy as a kiss? If your intention was to avoid pre marital sex then why the hell are you there in the first place? Aee you not aware that if he forces himself on you, the police and judicial system here are not so matured enough to call it rape?

Common sense no common at all.

Iamafinegirl:

Home it is !!!!!!!!!
Infact his boss asked why we hadn’t married and he said I was the one delaying it for now as he was hoping last year ending.
Why won’t I delay it.
I stopped thinking properly at a point and felt this is normal and I am properly stupid and it’s like I needed to talk to people to be sure of what is proper or how to be properly treated.

The guy is sexually frustrated. In his mind, you are just another guy or girl he has no intimacy with, so why should he do you any favours?

You either live as fully married couple or you stay apart till you are ready for marriage, he wants sex but cant twll you directly

Vyolet:
If he can ask you to split 800naira and pay half for Apple he bought, it means you don't even get to enjoy weekend outings or some small chops treats from him.
It is well

For where, that ended long ago. I got him a vals gift he didn’t get me anything....because he is buying d food he eats totally. Cus all I eat now is oat which I bought with milk and sweet potato rice n beans which I brought into the house in January. But I still contributed to the other stuff like semo, pounded yam, I buy fuel for gen too sometimes etc and make it for him like once a day because me too I refused to meet up to cooking much to meet his 5 times a day eating when I felt I wasn’t being treated ok. If he buys fish sha like once a month, I taste inside sha but I no dey chop too much, I go just respect myself no eat plenty inside.
before also, if I was going somewhere and he decides to be loving to carry me (oh yes he doesn’t mind driving me there), we must go in my car. He can’t use his fuel for it. One day I asked him why he was separating the movement and attaching my car to the things I want to do and his car to the places he wants to go. What’s the big deal in you and me using my car to go somewhere you want to go to?
And what’s the difference in us using your car to go somewhere I want to go to?
Is it supposed to be measured like Dt again?
That later stopped though but I had to point it out

UFEDO95:
My darling
Firstly, leave his house, you're not married to him.
Secondly run for you dare life and for your sanity.
If eventually you get married to him,you will get tired with that attitude,a man should perform his responsibilities without complain,when children start coming,is that how he will complain about milk,foodstuffs etc.
To me he is sounding like a stingy man who will not take his eyes off his wife's money, and want them to share responsibilities equally.what's that?
A man is to take full responsibilities of his family,then the wife supports him.

I sometimes feel I can’t even tell him any money I have. I was so open, would show him everything, what I want to buy, my plans etc. But it seemed there was that silent anger.
He said I hv to b contributing to the depth of how he eats evn if it’s only 10% of all d whole food I eat and started saying I wasn’t doing this and that because he was subconsciously feeling since he doesn’t have savings (by always spending and buying to eat junks, all this gnld things etc). I am not contributing enough for me to have small savings.
I later learnt to be silent

It's complicated.

You should not be cohabiting full-time

He is behaving like my estranged husband. I know for a fact that his behaviour would become worse after marriage. He is too petty for comfort

Call of the wedding please. Many things are wrong. Do your parents know that you live with him and they still claim that they want to pray about it?

No guarantee that you would end up with someone better but be sure that a union with this side would be problematic and filled with regret.

He is frustrated... Taking it out on you

Teleprompter:
It's complicated.

You should not be cohabiting full-time

He is behaving like my estranged husband. I know for a fact that his behaviour would become worse after marriage. He is too petty for comfort

Call of the wedding please. Many things are wrong. Do your parents know that you live with him and they still claim that they want to pray about it?

No guarantee that you would end up with someone better but be sure that a union with this side would be problematic and filled with regret.

Petty is the word I usually tell him. I am not saying I am perfect oh no...I am sure I hv my own tooo.
You seem to talk so much from experience and I somehow read some emotions in your words....
And I am so grateful for u sharing your experience.
I definitely am learning from it and would heed to it.
I don’t want to be miserable. I feel I won’t forgive myself. My parents counsel broken homes. It would be a disaster to enter one with my eyes open. I just wished we even had ability to sit and talk about our issues...and find common grounds but when one party always just starts shouting or storming off, issues never really get resolved, you just don’t get to talk about it again (bottled up) and that doesn’t ever settle the issue and the issue would still come up another day and due to bottled up emotions, response would be worse than is nexcesary.
They don’t know I live with him currently. Infact they can’t imagine that I do. To be very honest with you but his mum knows and has visited and knows 100% I am here but she doesn’t know we have this issues. She was around this year, we did go to market together, I got her some things she needed like a good daughter in law should do at least although her son still gave her like more money dan I did for transport and all that things as is expected.To be honest she has no problem that I would say is major. Infact I would tell her to sit in the front with her son maybe we are going out and she would refuse and go and sit at the back. She would even assist me in the kitchen if I am there and she puts Aunty in front of my name any time she calls me.
And yes, she knows that her son likes wahala but I am sure she doesn’t knows how far it gets.

Seems he's the lady of the relationship while you're the guy. Maybe, you two should exchange sexes.

Liposure:
Seems he's the lady of the relationship while you're the guy. Both of you should exchange sex

Op, bia

He eats 5 times a day never do you to pick race ?
He complained of your inability to contribute never do you to pick race ?
You fit cook 5 times a day while contributing for the next 20 years ?

Thank your goodness that he showed you something. Now pack your bags and go home. Just strike that out from your mind - see it as a good experience and learn.

armyofone:
Op, bia

He eats 5 times a day never do you to pick race ?
He complained of your inability to contribute never do to pick race ?
You fit cook 5 timrs a day while contributing for the next 20 years ?

Thank your goodness that he showed you something. Now pack your bags and go home. Just strike that out from your mind - see it as a good experience and learn.

I am sure the guy will have something different to say, from the OPs narrative it is certain she feels entitled to the guys money and expects to keep her own as savings.
A sensible man will understand that a woman that thinks she is doing a man a favour by supporting the home financially is one to run away from and I am certain the guy is already trying to chase the girl but she is not seeing it.