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Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused - Romance - Nairaland

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Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by chinwe11: 6:25am On Apr 15, 2011
Hi nairalanders.

I am getting married soon, but i am getting scared and confused as the day draws nearer (december).

I have dated my man for four years, and it seems things are getting worse. Despite the fact that it took him three years to decide he wanted us to get married (for some reason he wasnt sure for the three years), now that we are supposed to get married i am having double thoughts.

While he is a nice person, i dont just feel the spark. He is very non challant about everything now in the relationship. HE might offend me, and if i get upset, he acts like he absolutely doesnt care and ignores me without an apology or claims i like wahala. When i even say okay, lets talk about this thing you did, he says he doesnt want to talk about it. He did the same about four weeks back, and for the first time (i hardly get angry), i got angry and didnt speak with him for a whole week and he came apologizing and begging. Well after i forgave him, he was all loving and caring for a while, then shifted back. Now i have been asking him we should like go out or spend some time together, (we dont live together o) and he keeps saying he is in a mood, he is stressed, and i am like wth! My problems with him are:


1. Isnt showing much love and affection: for someone who is getting married, i feel that the love and affection, the eagerness should be there.
2. Always entering moods. today he is in a foul mood and doesn't want to talk to me. tomorrow he is another foul mood and wants to be alone (even when we are together.
3. I am the one always doing things for him, always setting dates for us to go out, always making out time for us to see, sometimes it seems like i am forcing him to do things together with me.
4. he doesnt even seem excited to be getting married. When we talk about it, i just get this non challant attitude again. Been asking him when he wants to come and see my people formally, and all i get it 'you are pressuring me', i need to get some things in place first.

As much as i want to get married (will be 29 this year), i am just not sure i want to put up with these attitude for the rest of my life, or marry someone who doesnt seem so crazy about me even though he claims he is.

My question is this:
I know no one is perfect, but i dont know if i can put up with this behaivour or non challance for the rest of my life. to be honest at 29, i am so scared of leaving, as i know it might take a while to get someone else and marry, but i just dont know. MY friends claim i am taking things to seriously, that i cant get a hundred percent man, but at least cant i get 70? i dont know oh. I am really scared. I love this man, but the thought of a sad marriage is making me scared.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by chinwe11: 6:27am On Apr 15, 2011
am i being unnecessarily sensitive about everything?
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by InkedNerd(f): 6:34am On Apr 15, 2011
No, you're not taking things to seriously. Was he always nonchalant in the beginning of the relationship or was this something that developed over time?
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by chinwe11: 6:53am On Apr 15, 2011
Yes he has always been non challant, but not this bad. Back then I thot things would get better. He has always been nonchallant, but it has increased greatly in d last six months
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by InkedNerd(f): 7:22am On Apr 15, 2011
Well then perhaps you two aren't meant to be together. If he can't or won't even talk to you about little things, then imagine what he would [or in your case, wouldn't] do when a serious situation arises. If thinking that you won't find someone else is what is keeping you from ending things then I'm sorry to tell you, whatever it is that you're experiencing now is what you will experience in marriage undecided
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by frank317: 7:45am On Apr 15, 2011
my female cousin is 34 years, and was supposed to get married to a guy last year, bt i gave her tumbs up when she walked out on the guy a week to the trad wedding.

she has another man in her life now, she will soon be getting married.

pls put a halt to that marriage and figure out what you really want. i think the problem is we spend so much defining the pysical and overt charactersitc of the kind of person we want to date or marrry, but we spend little time defining what we want. how will we like our partners to treat us?

if i am in a relationship n my partner does not give mme the kind of affection i want, i quickly move on. no giving of second chance. why bother giving myslf to a person dosnt deserve me. i know what i can give therefor i know what i should get in return. weather my patner seem like an angel, handsome or beautiful, caring blah blah blah, my happines is always the first in my relationships. me i tooooo like myself for all these silly stories.

come to think of it, are people worth all these stress? i am born to be happy.

1 Like

Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by fstranger3(m): 7:52am On Apr 15, 2011
OP: You are just like the typical crazy Bi/t/ch

I think you are losing it.

You are prolly driving the young man crazy and here you are presenting the story from your own perspective, painting the guy in a bad light.


What if he doenst want to talk about some stupiddd shyyte you want to talk about, suck it up like a hot pap and move the hell on.

You have to many emotional issues. if i were the guy, I'd simply dump your crazy sef.

I think you are crazy!

As a matter of fact, o ti ya were.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by obowunmi(m): 7:53am On Apr 15, 2011
@ OP its obvious that you need to move on. Your heart and instinct never lies.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by InkedNerd(f): 7:54am On Apr 15, 2011
@OP: Please disregard anything that comes from fstranger3 wink

fstranger3:

OP: You are just like the typical crazy Bi/t/ch

I think you are losing it.

You are prolly driving the young man crazy and here you are presenting the story from your own perspective, painting the guy in a bad light.


What if he doenst want to talk about some stupiddd shyyte you want to talk about, suck it up like a hot pap and move the hell on.

You have to many emotional issues. if i were the guy, I'd simply dump your crazy sef.

I think you are crazy!

As a matter of fact, o ti ya were.

Can you ever keep you womanizing sexist nonsense to yourself?!?!
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by frank317: 8:00am On Apr 15, 2011
fstranger3:

OP: You are just like the typical crazy Bi/t/ch

I think you are losing it.

You are prolly driving the young man crazy and here you are presenting the story from your own perspective, painting the guy in a bad light.


What if he doenst want to talk about some stupiddd shyyte you want to talk about, suck it up like a hot pap and move the hell on.

You have to many emotional issues. if i were the guy, I'd simply dump your crazy sef.

I think you are crazy!

As a matter of fact, o ti ya were.


why do i have the feeling that u mastur.bate a lot. take it easy bro. its gettin at you. you might not know it, but a lot of what u do in your bed room is displayed when u get emotional.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by obowunmi(m): 8:03am On Apr 15, 2011
Lmao@ Frank comment
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by MMM2(m): 8:42am On Apr 15, 2011
chinwe11 what do u want us 2 do 4 u ?
cos even if we tell u not 2 marry him u will still go ahead and marry him
so i wish GOOD LUCK in ur MARRIAGE.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Kyjeea(f): 9:01am On Apr 15, 2011
Well i will say u ve to think twice,maybe d level of love he has 4 u has decreased or someone else has replace u in his heart,maybe his puttin on dis character to put u off so u better think,he might not be ur flesh and blood but if God says he his well,pls a broke courtship is beta dan a broke manage
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Nobody: 9:09am On Apr 15, 2011
Dnt be scared of being single again and the wait you may have to wait till you meet someone who will cherish you.
If his heart is not in the relationship forget how nice bla,bla bla he is, he needs to be sensitive to your feelings, he should at least have strong feelings for you.
Marriage is good and desirable but alwys on the right note its not a place where you can afford to manage anybody or let anybody manage you.
You guys may just not be right for each other. make a decision you will be happy with and can live with.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by lolzie: 9:20am On Apr 15, 2011
hello!!! its my first post on nairaland.and amvery impressed with the advice most people give on this forum.

i know this isnt a profile info forum but just a quick background on myself to give u a lil insight into where my advice is coming from

i am 25years, nigerian but vent lived in nigeria for the past 10 years. recently single, i gave my fiancee of 4 years the red card cos in my herat somethings just werent right, notwithstanding, i understand the pressure the society (in general) tend to put on women above the age of 25 in terms of marriage. one piece of advice to u, WAKE up n smile the coffe baby!!! this man is not crazy about u!! and ur heart is telling u so, the fact that u are even considering that he might not be feeling u definitely means he is not. a man should be crazy abouyt spending his life with u, u shldnt be doinf the "reminders" of lets go see my parents etc. yes at 29, its ver scary to think u may not find someone else soon, but marriage isnt the end of life. ur happiness comes first! DONT SETTLE FOR LESS. (this advice is assuming u vent done anything to precipitate this coldness),

1 Like

Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by lolzie: 9:21am On Apr 15, 2011
sorry about the spelling errors. was typing a lil too fast :-) hope u got the message tho
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Nobody: 10:07am On Apr 15, 2011
@Poster,

You are just nagging unnecessarily. Why not study him properly and know what the problem is.  If you miss this chance, I pity you , You will end up been a contraband, angry
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by tosyne007(m): 10:21am On Apr 15, 2011
celeboi:

@Poster,

You are just nagging unnecessarily. Why not study him properly and know what the problem is. If you miss this chance, I pity you , You will end up been a contraband, angry

cant see any chance to mis here. if she were ur sista, would u give her same advice? i dont think so.

@poster, dont really av much to say cos they've all said it all. Don't settle for less cos mariage is a lifetime business and one deserves to be happy. Please av rethink and u can always go ahead if he changes. i hope he does cos three years aint a joke.

all da best.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by ednaline: 10:52am On Apr 15, 2011
@chinwe, hmm.you have a few things to understand.first of all men get pissed when u are too clingy,not giving them a breathing space. from what i see here , you are the social director of your relationship. it ought not to be so. just take ur place, he ought to be the one at the fore front and where he does not do that or is reluctant, u don't have to step up to rescue him like a knight in shinning armour. you are a lady, learn to live like one. how? learn to be at the receiving end. thats how we were created. the men should do the giving, it gives them a certain kick to know they can cater for a woman so y not indulge them?when u leave ur place as a woman and take theirs, u'll be worse off for it.

pls check this sight: www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com and understand a lot about men, their needs and how to be happy in ur relationship.

if he doesn't have time for u now, i doubt if he"d later on. be smart.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by 677ano(m): 1:46pm On Apr 15, 2011
It seems the man is not ready for marriage yet and the pressure to marry is coming from you

Give him a break let him be the one pushing for things and not you. It seems you are obsessed with getting married to him and have put him under pressure to commit
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Girl846(f): 11:41pm On Apr 15, 2011
If he has been like this all these years, marriage will NOT change a single thing! - marriage does not magically transform people's characters.
If you need to be in a loving, affectionate relationship, girl, don't settle for less than what you want and deserve because down the line, you will not be satisfied with a man that cannot be loving and affectionate with you.

Listen if you are having doubts now,  follow your instincts, they will mostly never fail you.
A breakup is less painful than a divorce.

My question to you is: whose idea was it to get married in the first place? Were you pressuring him or did he propose on his own accord?

If the only reason for yo not wanting to move on is the fear of being single again then that means you want to settle and manage this guy.
Think about it like this, if you were still 24years old, would you stay with this guy knowing the way he is? Your answer to this question should guide you.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed NOT endured.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by goslow2: 12:33am On Apr 16, 2011
Maybe he is not ready (Responsibility)
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by NDelta(m): 1:05am On Apr 16, 2011
If a guy behave like this while in Courtship. In marriage he will beat u up.
@ Fstranger3. What type of harsh comment is that?
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by kaypeegee: 8:21am On Apr 16, 2011
feel sorry for you but december is far, trust me things dont get better in marriage. if you already have these funny problems right now, imagine when he marries you,,he wont even bother about apologising coz he knows you not going anywhere. forget about how you feel and analyse how he feels about you, thats the most important thing right now. You loving him hasnt made you happy so far. why not stop reminding him and putting so much effort, you are supposed to be feeling like a queen right now and do you feel like one? i suggest you go on your knees and pray, If he is not the right one for yopu, God will reveal to you, maybe the devil wants to destroy your realtionship. and on the other hand remember not to marry this guy if things do not change, he will get worse, maybe he is cheating already. who knows why he has suddenly changed, he is surely not ready love,
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Nobody: 11:26am On Apr 16, 2011
frank3.16:

my female cousin is 34 years, and was supposed to get married to a guy last year, bt i gave her tumbs up when she walked out on the guy a week to the trad wedding.

she has another man in her life now, she will soon be getting married.

pls put a halt to that marriage and figure out what you really want. i think the problem is we spend so much defining the pysical and overt charactersitc of the kind of person we want to date or marrry, but we spend little time defining what we want. how will we like our partners to treat us?

if i am in a relationship n my partner does not give mme the kind of affection i want, i quickly move on. no giving of second chance. why bother giving myslf to a person dosnt deserve me. i know what i can give therefor i know what i should get in return. weather my patner seem like an angel, handsome or beautiful, caring blah blah blah, my happines is always the first in my relationships. me i tooooo like myself for all these silly stories.

come to think of it, are people worth all these stress? i am born to be happy.

I agree with you 100%, especially @ Bold.

celeboi:

@Poster,

You are just nagging unnecessarily. Why not study him properly and know what the problem is.  If you miss this chance, I pity you , You will end up been a contraband, angry

PLS IGNORE THIS CRAP!

Mschewww angry angry
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by goslow2: 10:05pm On Apr 17, 2011
Truth is, whatever you experience now is what you get in your marriage, fact. If you think you can cope, fine. But if you think you deserve better then you have to move on.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by ednaline: 5:04pm On Apr 19, 2011
wise up and move on
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by segzicres(m): 5:14pm On Apr 19, 2011
something's bothering him, he's not sure if he should marry you, i get the same feeling when i'm with a gurl i'm just shagging.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by deniyor: 5:19pm On Apr 19, 2011
For now, put off the wedding at the very least. Things only get worse when you are married. I'd advise you to take a break from the relationship to reconsider things. It will let him decide if he really wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Right now, his mind is not in the relationship. Goodluck.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Beync(f): 11:31pm On Apr 19, 2011
deniyor:

For now, put off the wedding at the very least. Things only get worse when you are married. I'd advise you to take a break from the relationship to reconsider things. It will let him decide if he really wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Right now, his mind is not in the relationship. Goodluck.
Take a break and see how it flows.
U need luv, peace and happiness with ur partner.
Pray over it,u'l see how God will provide ur heart desire.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Abali1(m): 12:40am On Apr 20, 2011
@OP, you said you are getting married in December and you are also telling us that the guy has not come to meet your parents. (I hope that is the scenario).

It seems to me that you are actually the one hurrying this guy into a marriage. Like someone already pointed out, you are the social director of the relationship.

My advice to you is that you shouldn't be desperate at 29, because that is what all this is about. You dated a guy for three years and you still can't learn him. He has a nonchalant attitude toward the relationship. (Please tell us if he is also nonchalant in other areas of his life or relationship with other people).

If you make the mistake of going into that marriage with the present scenario, you will so regret it. For the sake of love, a guy who wants to marry you, and is convinced that he wants to marry you should really be crazy about you. If you are forcing yourself on this guy, please stop it already.
Re: Am I Asking For Too Much? Pls Help, I Am Honestly Confused by Wislet(f): 8:02am On Apr 20, 2011
Abali1:

@OP, you said you are getting married in December and you are also telling us that the guy has not come to meet your parents. (I hope that is the scenario).

It seems to me that you are actually the one hurrying this guy into a marriage. Like someone already pointed out, you are the social director of the relationship.

My advice to you is that you shouldn't be desperate at 29, because that is what all this is about. You dated a guy for three years and you still can't learn him. He has a nonchalant attitude toward the relationship. (Please tell us if he is also nonchalant in other areas of his life or relationship with other people).

If you make the mistake of going into that marriage with the present scenario, you will so regret it. For the sake of love, a guy who wants to marry you, and is convinced that he wants to marry you should really be crazy about you. If you are forcing yourself on this guy, please stop it already.

THANK YOU. Wonderful people are talking. HOPE SHE LISTENS!!
deniyor:

For now, put off the wedding at the very least. Things only get worse when you are married. I'd advise you to take a break from the relationship to reconsider things. It will let him decide if he really wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Right now, his mind is not in the relationship. Goodluck.
@OP, like u said earlier, he delayed coming to start wedding preparations for THREE years. And now that he has finally done so, he is not acting like a groom-to-be, but like a 50 yrs married man. Well my dear, u still want to hear it out loud?? YOUR MAN IS NOT INTO YOU. HE JUST FEELS HE OWES YOU THE DUTY OF MARRYING YOU JUST BECAUSE HE HAS DATED YOU FOR A LONG TIME, and IN HIS MIND HE HAS PROBABLY CONVINCED HIMSELF TO DO IT SIMPLY BECAUSE U'RE ALMOST 30. Simple.
ednaline:

@chinwe, hmm.you have a few things to understand.first of all men get pissed when u are too clingy,not giving them a breathing space. from what i see here , you are the social director of your relationship. it ought not to be so. just take your place, he ought to be the one at the fore front and where he does not do that or is reluctant, u don't have to step up to rescue him like a knight in shinning armour. you are a lady, learn to live like one. how? learn to be at the receiving end. thats how we were created. the men should do the giving, it gives them a certain kick to know they can cater for a woman so y not indulge them?when u leave your place as a woman and take theirs, u'll be worse off for it.

pls check this sight: www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com and understand a lot about men, their needs and how to be happy in your relationship.

if he doesn't have time for u now, i doubt if he"d later on. be smart.
some peeps are just classic! Thanx dear. Plain and blunt. DO NOT CHASE THE MAN OR TRY TO FORCE HIM TO SAY ATTENTION TO YOU. IF HE DOES NOT DO THAT NATURALLY/IS NOT EXCITED ABOUT YOU EVEN AT THIS STAGE, THEN DISASTER AWAITS.

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