the people i feel sorry for most are new international students, some have not even paid their full tuition fees, some just living off the little hours work they can squeeze in between coursework but the demand from friends and family is just depressing

I remember a friend who was owing the school about #4k, there was a comment on one of his facebook pic- bros every time you go talk say e hard see as your skin just dey fresh dey go see as you don fat well well  

N.Delta:

I don't know if this applies to other Nigerians abroad but personally i am overwhelmed by the volume of the demands for money from almost every one i know in Nigeria. I have sent sooo much money but they just never stop asking for money, i am tired and begging to loose sleep over this matter, this is just not fair on me, i have had to say NO to so many and YES to others because their demands seem genuine. Even people that i know as comfortable also ask. is this synonymous to other Nigerians abroad? or am i surrounded by opportunist?

The truth is that you re not alone,,,bottomline is your situation is even probably a child's play,,Change number No way,,I would not change number,,,if its improtant,,,leave a voice mail,,,or send email,,,it now depends on me to respond to voice mail or email.
My family is even better,,but people I know,,,how do I handle it,,,this is how I do mine,,,I put every one a queue and its been helping,,,I can't help more than one person in a month,,,the least I send down a month is $150.The thing too is that a good number of their stories re true,,hw do you reconcile someone you know was working in Bank and sending his kids to a private school asking(let me not use the word begging) for #20,000? I mean some body you knew 6yrs ago would not stoop low to get to that point. What I consider mostly is that,,,I could have been the one their situation,,So do the best you can to help and if you know you can not help,,,tell them you can not,,,or put them on a queue,,,by asking them to get money any way possible they can and that yopu would pay back,,,the truth is that for most people times are really hard,,,God help us all!!!!

armyofone:

time wey i go take dey read my book or go make cool $$ make i dey take am chat eh? na you dey pay my tuition, gerraway
how are ya

Na every night you dey read book or make $$$, You should make time for me so we can plan our future together Nwanyioma, Omalicha

For me, I think various factors are responsible for all these. First is the general beliefs of people back home. Second is the attitudes of those abroad, third is individual attitudes and the last is family background.

The general beliefs of people back home

I am not talking about those who travel abroad for business or vacation. I am talking about those who have never traveled out before. Many think that money is everywhere on the streets of places like US, UK and other countries unmentioned. So the moment any one steps out of Nigeria, they believe his life is automatically better than the life of any other resident of Nigeria. Just within my first week in the US, a friend back home was already saying "How is work?". I was like; what the hell? Just like that? I don't even know where next I will go after my hotel bills expire and you are talking of work? So funny.

The attitudes of those abroad

I think those abroad (not all of them) are contributing to this problem too. On getting abroad, they are not sincere to themselves and to those at home. Many live fakes lives. Why will you take photo shots besides the latest Bentley, Range Rover Sports or other fast machines (which is not your own) and you think people at home will not think you are rich? Funny enough, people at home automatically assume you own it. When the rational ones among them ask about the ownership of those beautiful houses and cars, some of us here will still tell lies that we own it, simply because those at home are too far away to verify the truth. So, can you tell me why those at home will ever stop begging for money?

Individual Attitudes

Not everyone living abroad is guilty of point 2 above. Some of us are actually sincere with people back home. But some people will never stop begging for one thing or the other. They are just like that. Even when it is evident that they are richer than you, they will still want to collect the little you have. The same way they are begging from you, the same way they are begging from those back home too. It has nothing to do with you living abroad.  The only slight difference is this; if Mr Lagbaja in Ikorodu can give them N5000, you in US should be able to give them $5000 or do better. Shikena!

Family background

Regardless of points 1,2,3 above, family backgrounds matter a lot in this. When the rich ones keep dishing out money through wire transfer to their children to sustain them here, the other way round is the expectation of the poor families back home. The poor families do not know anything about work permit, SSN, green card, red or blue passport. They do not know or care to know if you have the right to work abroad or not. All they know is; "don't marry oyinbo oh! and why are they saying this? So that you won't spend all your money taking care of the oyinbo. So that you can always have enough to give to them.

How to handle the situation

1. Know when to say Yes or No. Everyone can never like you even if you cut your neck for them to share
2.  Be honest with your situation here. Do not deceive yourself and don't keep deceiving them. Else they wont stop!

How I am handling mine

1.  I do not change my contact details because of anyone and I will never do that

2.  I was very open to my friends and parents. I do not let them feel that I am better off here. I took my time to let them know my class of visa. I told them I am on student visa, and I am not allowed to work. Yes, USCIS said I can work 20 hours as a Masters student, but I told them I can't find a job. So, instead of my younger ones expecting to get from me, they were willing to send the little they have in Nigeria to me, but I have always told them never to bother. I am also open to my friends back home too about how life is here, and no one is bugging me with requests. That is it!

@ odunna. Nope I am not a rebirth of jayon.

Guys I can't thank you enough for the advice. This thread has been an eye opener for me. I have learnt so much from your experiences and I will be a lot wiser from now on. To start with I am changing my fone number.

I don't feel soryy for you

My bro. Change his line two months ago becouse of  same situation u mention,all what i know is that giver never lack if i am u i will give what i can afford to give out becouse nobody know tomorrow

@Poster,
First you need to start stop feeling guilty for saying NO sometime and even learn to say NO a lot more. These people demanding money from you, part of their basic responsibilities in life is to take care that they design their lives in a way that they do not have to depend on others (Or else, they are parasites, with all due respect)
You should avoid making yourself a VICTIM of other peoples un-realistic expectations of you.

N.Delta:

I don't know if this applies to other Nigerians abroad but personally i am overwhelmed by the volume of the demands for money from almost every one i know in Nigeria. I have sent sooo much money but they just never stop asking for money, i am tired and begging to loose sleep over this matter, this is just not fair on me, i have had to say NO to so many and YES to others because their demands seem genuine. Even people that i know as comfortable also ask. is this synonymous to other Nigerians abroad? or am i surrounded by opportunist?

Dude, e be like say you be JJC.

When you've been here for some time, you'll understand that one man cannot service an army so just take care of your immediate family.

Its quite unfortunate that many good friendships are lost because of this issue you raised.

Also learn the concept of first attack, Ask them before they ask you, Whoever asks first wins

dayokanu:

Also learn the concept of first attack, Ask them before they ask you, Whoever asks first wins

dayokanu:

Also learn the concept of first attack, Ask them before they ask you, Whoever asks first wins

haha

Guity

werepeLeri:

you are so unfortunate. Others I know receive money in large sums from relatives in Nigeria, yours is the opposite. awwww. pele.

what a reetarded comment. . . . . . How many people can send money from Nigeria to the west to support their family members? if you dont have anything logical or inteligent to contribute you had better keep quiet. . . . . . .

Haha @op - I 'm in the same shoe with you oo! As a matter of fact i have one relative anytime she ask me for money and i tell her i don't have, she will start asking me what my problems are, so she can pray for me. After 2weeks or thereabout, she will call again to know if her prayer for me has been answered, so i can send her the dough.

dayokanu:

Also learn the concept of first attack, Ask them before they ask you, Whoever asks first wins

oloshi!!!!,  First attack ke?!!!!, u don finish d guy be dat oh,

Bros, pls don't learn first attack oh, else people will run away from you.

From my own point of view, I think you you best follow the advise of bros here:

I was very open to my friends and parents. I do not let them feel that I am better off here. I took my time to let them know my class of visa. I told them I am on student visa, and I am not allowed to work. Yes, USCIS said I can work 20 hours as a Masters student, but I told them I can't find a job. So, instead of my younger ones expecting to get from me, they were willing to send the little they have in Nigeria to me, but I have always told them never to bother. I am also open to my friends back home too about how life is here, and no one is bugging me with requests. That is it!

Cos, u see, we wey dey here, get better chance pass u sef, and the table can change very very fast,  I tell you a short story,

My aunt dey JD,  and pretty close aunt, cos my mum trained her,   in the last 7 years, she's never for once called to ask how even her own sister is doing or how she can help to do this ( wouldn't she have done the if she's in lasgidi ), or even bother showing general love,  or better still ' explaining', all I hear she calls is to talk and talk and talk abt JD being a tough place blah blah blah, ,  whereas, in this time, everyone in the family has greatly and hugely upgraded, so te, we can afford to travel and even dash her £1000, if d situation warrants,

So, you see, the EMEA region is a pretty fast developing market, never underrate,  will be bad for you to be caught surprised, especially if you like to give first attacks, 

Jesus says beggars will go to hell.

One thing u can't do is trying to please everyone, sometimes u need to stand firm and say no in order to grow your own wealth. I would rather if u have enough money to spare, then you can start up a small size business for them, so they don't bother asking you for money.

All man on his own
poster just carry your cross waka pass 

@Omegared25
i feel bad that i dont really know my extended family members back home but im also happy that i dont really know them to because this type of situation would have caused problems for us. I ran into a so called friend from high school over yahoo chat and withing 20 minutes of haven not spoken for about 13 years he was already asking me for money. I was like no i work and pay my own bills here and money doesn't grow on trees. He was like but you are better off than i am i was like no working every day and being caught in a system of continous bills is not necessarily better off. Anyway i killed the chat and i blocked him both on yahoo and FB lucky for me he didn't get my phone number yet. These are the types of things you have to do.
Another guy wanted my number off the bat i was like what the hell he called me immediately and we were catching up on stuff before i knew it he started asking how i could help him migrate out of Nigeria so i told him my story of how i am where im at now and i referred him here to NL to ask questions. One day i received a text of how he is in a jam and he needed 5k. I went to FB unfriended him and lost his number

You are very right Omega, I don tire 4 all that kind of friends as well. E get one friend wey i know say  him get uncle and some extended families for uk and the guy recently ist tell me say him mama sick and she know fit pay him school fees. I tell am say me wey dey uk self dey look 4 £3k plus to pay my own fees which was true. He was the one waking me up every morning by flashing to lobby for the money. I was fed up and changed my number. Now again on facebook, he started chatting like he doesn't need the money anymore and he always pray 4 me and my family after chatting. Just last week he said his uncle is neighbour came to london and that i should send Blackberry to him. I just wonder sometimes whether they think because u re in abroad means u re dumb and daft, He'll be lucky to get a £1 white T-Shirt from Dalston from me. Nonsense!! He no tell him relatives to send stuff to am na be be him papa 2 pay him sch fees.  

aktunde:

For me, I think various factors are responsible for all these. First is the general beliefs of people back home. Second is the attitudes of those abroad, third is individual attitudes and the last is family background.

The general beliefs of people back home

I am not talking about those who travel abroad for business or vacation. I am talking about those who have never traveled out before. Many think that money is everywhere on the streets of places like US, UK and other countries unmentioned. So the moment any one steps out of Nigeria, they believe his life is automatically better than the life of any other resident of Nigeria. Just within my first week in the US, a friend back home was already saying "How is work?". I was like; what the hell? Just like that? I don't even know where next I will go after my hotel bills expire and you are talking of work? So funny.

The attitudes of those abroad

I think those abroad (not all of them) are contributing to this problem too. On getting abroad, they are not sincere to themselves and to those at home. Many live fakes lives. Why will you take photo shots besides the latest Bentley, Range Rover Sports or other fast machines (which is not your own) and you think people at home will not think you are rich? Funny enough, people at home automatically assume you own it. When the rational ones among them ask about the ownership of those beautiful houses and cars, some of us here will still tell lies that we own it, simply because those at home are too far away to verify the truth. So, can you tell me why those at home will ever stop begging for money?

Individual Attitudes

Not everyone living abroad is guilty of point 2 above. Some of us are actually sincere with people back home. But some people will never stop begging for one thing or the other. They are just like that. Even when it is evident that they are richer than you, they will still want to collect the little you have. The same way they are begging from you, the same way they are begging from those back home too. It has nothing to do with you living abroad.  The only slight difference is this; if Mr Lagbaja in Ikorodu can give them N5000, you in US should be able to give them $5000 or do better. Shikena!

Family background

Regardless of points 1,2,3 above, family backgrounds matter a lot in this. When the rich ones keep dishing out money through wire transfer to their children to sustain them here, the other way round is the expectation of the poor families back home. The poor families do not know anything about work permit, SSN, green card, red or blue passport. They do not know or care to know if you have the right to work abroad or not. All they know is; "don't marry oyinbo oh! and why are they saying this? So that you won't spend all your money taking care of the oyinbo. So that you can always have enough to give to them.

How to handle the situation

1. Know when to say Yes or No. Everyone can never like you even if you cut your neck for them to share
2.  Be honest with your situation here. Do not deceive yourself and don't keep deceiving them. Else they wont stop!

How I am handling mine

1.  I do not change my contact details because of anyone and I will never do that

2.  I was very open to my friends and parents. I do not let them feel that I am better off here. I took my time to let them know my class of visa. I told them I am on student visa, and I am not allowed to work. Yes, USCIS said I can work 20 hours as a Masters student, but I told them I can't find a job. So, instead of my younger ones expecting to get from me, they were willing to send the little they have in Nigeria to me, but I have always told them never to bother. I am also open to my friends back home too about how life is here, and no one is bugging me with requests. That is it!

My men you said it all in your post and i must comend you for being truthful to yourself about every thing but i still have my reservation about certain things.
We used to say as you make your bed so you shall lay on. I wish many people on nairaland would read this tread and understand that life is never easy abroad. Period

seunbballo:

@Omegared25
i feel bad that i dont really know my extended family members back home but im also happy that i dont really know them to because this type of situation would have caused problems for us. I ran into a so called friend from high school over yahoo chat and withing 20 minutes of haven not spoken for about 13 years he was already asking me for money. I was like no i work and pay my own bills here and money doesn't grow on trees. He was like but you are better off than i am i was like no working every day and being caught in a system of continous bills is not necessarily better off. Anyway i killed the chat and i blocked him both on yahoo and FB lucky for me he didn't get my phone number yet. These are the types of things you have to do.
Another guy wanted my number off the bat i was like what the hell he called me immediately and we were catching up on stuff before i knew it he started asking how i could help him migrate out of Nigeria so i told him my story of how i am where im at now and i referred him here to NL to ask questions. One day i received a text of how he is in a jam and he needed 5k. I went to FB unfriended him and lost his number

You are very right Omega, I don tire 4 all that kind of friends as well. E get one friend wey i know say  him get uncle and some extended families for uk and the guy recently ist tell me say him mama sick and she know fit pay him school fees. I tell am say me wey dey uk self dey look 4 £3k plus to pay my own fees which was true. He was the one waking me up every morning by flashing to lobby for the money. I was fed up and changed my number. Now again on facebook, he started chatting like he doesn't need the money anymore and he always pray 4 me and my family after chatting. Just last week he said his uncle is neighbour came to london and that i should send Blackberry to him. I just wonder sometimes whether they think because u re in abroad means u re dumb and daft, He'll be lucky to get a £1 white T-Shirt from Dalston from me. Nonsense!! He no tell him relatives to send stuff to am na be be him papa 2 pay him sch fees.  

GuY you for help am with O2 Sim.

I lost contact with a childhood friend about 10yrs ago for not buying him a razor phone while me I was using this heavy old style Nokia that pull my pants down to one side and another because of laptop while na library own I dey use.

@poster:
my three simple addvice to you is (1) take care of your immediate family first and those other people next if you can (2) Don't even think of doing it if you plan to ever stop because the moment you say NO or I don't have, they will label you wicked and bad forgetting the last 10 times you helped in the past. (3) if you ever have plan of visiting naija again in your life, then be prepared to hate yourself and kick your own ass for helping some of those people who asked you for help because some if not most of them have morethan you to lavish.

As for changing your contact/number, outdated. Yes or No is all you need.

prince_onx:

I lost contact with a childhood friend about 10yrs ago for not buying him a razor phone while me I was using this heavy old style Nokia that pull my pants down to one side and another because of laptop while na library own I dey use.

@poster:
my three simple addvice to you is (1) take care of your immediate family first and those other people next if you can (2) Don't even think of doing it if you plan to ever stop because the moment you say NO or I don't have, they will label you wicked and bad forgetting the last 10 times you helped in the past. (3) if you ever have plan of visiting naija again in your life, then be prepared to hate yourself and kick your own backside for helping some of those people who asked you for help because some if not most of them have morethan you to lavish.

As for changing your contact/number, outdated. Yes or No is all you need.

I consider it part and parcel of being Nigerian and there is no balancing act here.

Who is most in need you can never really tell, its a heart condition so follow your heart give, give and give if your heart can cope so will your pocket.

My brother, you are not alone!! I bet you are wiser now with the array of information and experiences that has been shared here by every1. It maybe difficult for relations in 9ja to relate to stuffs like the payment of your several bills e.g council tax, energy, water, rent, landline & internet, cell phone bills etc. Unlike in 9ja where you maybe able to delay/defer some of these payments or better still make payments in bits, this is hardly the case in the West where most payments are done by direct debit or on standing order! So where you aren't earning a reasonable wage, you very well will be surviving just to pay bills!! Whereas the guy in 9ja can afford to earn just enough to stay alive and not live in fear of not having enough in his account for the next dd or what the content of the mail he just received is.

So my brother, if you can afford to help family, friend or anyone for that matter in genuine need please don't hold back. But where you can't, just let them know in a simple and clear manner that you really wished you could. Saying 'NO' is an art and I believe an honest one for that matter will give you peace of mind. Good luck to you!

lol @ poster - my own deal is simple - my family raised me up real good, supported me 100% financially and otherwise to come here. I am forever indebted to them.

And when I say family, i dont mean aunty, uncle, so called 'brother', cousins, extended extended family that I never even knew existed, or even those primary school/secondary school friends - when I say family, i mean nuclear family - Mummy, Daddy, Siblings. Full Stop.

Everyone is jara. If you cant bother building/re-building a solid relationship with me first - and you start asking for money lol - thats the end of whatever friendship there was there! No 2nd chances! in this day and age, isnt it obvious how hard it is to even make it here?

My people never give me preasure to send money but I don't sleep if

My people don't give me pressure to send money but I don't really sleep if I fail to send them money at the end of the month, so I will rather send it and have rest of mind because I fill guilty if I do not.

@tyson55

You wan kill me with laughter!!!

prince_onx:

I lost contact with a childhood friend about 10yrs ago for not buying him a razor phone while me I was using this heavy old style Nokia that pull my pants down to one side and another because of laptop while na library own I dey use.

hehehehehe. . .


Me I no want relate my own sha. I had one of my guy asking me for N2m for his sick father. I dont know whether his father is truely ill or not, but I found out from one of my friends that he asked her for money to bury his uncle. Another of my guy told me he asked him for N500 for transport money in Naija . . . . so I came to the conclusion this dude's case is serial. I told the guy NO two weeks ago and he keeps flashing me ever since.  .  . My best friend in Naija, I've not spoken to for over 6 years since he asked me to "go and borrow £2000 from the bank" to enable him leave Nigeria. . . . yet I was living on student loans, and still sending him £100 every month. . . since then, I only send money home to my grandmum to help her build her school, which in turn brings income for my people back home.

IT S OUR DESTINY
Not only for 9ija people but for all Africans who are abroad so just try to manege it and if U want to send money frequently, send it only to your close family, for the rest choice to send for example if it's about hospital or for big celebration (Christmas,, )

For example: Some months ago, my cousin asked me to send to him a big and long " true" leather coat!!!! In Africa with that SUN!!! ? Even me, I don't buy everytime for myself leather coz too much expensive!!!!!!


Manege yourself oo, with the life style that U are taking, U will die before to understand all that people !!!