What's Expected Of Nigerian Women - Culture - Nairaland
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| What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by April22(f): 3:15pm On Jul 11, 2007 |
I'm a Black American woman who's married to a Nigerian man and I'm interested in learning more about Nigerian cultures. On this board, quite a few people have said Nigerian women are either very independent or dependent on men. How is that different from other cultures of women who evaluate men based on how much money they make, their career, etc.? Also how are Nigerian women too independent? |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by April22(f): 4:40pm On Jul 11, 2007 |
Also what expectations do Nigerian women have about marriage? Are Nigerian men expected to support their wife's parents, siblings and other family members (in addition to his own)? If so, I wonder how that's playing out in the U.S., Canada and Great Britain where the cost of living is higher than in Nigeria. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Nobody: 6:28pm On Nov 28, 2007 |
April22: As for expectations, nigerian women expect the husband to take care of the nuclear family first before any other person, as in giving him the opportunity to be the head. Nigerian men are not expected to support everybody. He is only there to help when there's reason (and if he's capable) to help in time of need. Just as a kind gesture. My father did not support anyone out of the fact he's married to my mother, but out of kindness. April22:We know the man should be the head because two captains cannot rule a ship. But that doesn't deter us from having an education and getting jobs. My mother was very much independent of my father. And when my father lost his job, my mother was the one taking care of all finances. Some Nigerian women are quite dependent on their husbands (I wasn't brought up like that), so I'll blame it on society. But most of the time these husbands don't want their wives to work, I don't know why--maybe it's ego problem  which is practically senseless to me  |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by yanka: 7:25pm On Nov 28, 2007 |
I am a bit of an old fashioned Nigerian man but my wife has to be in some kind of employment as I hate any form of liability. I also have to be in employment on a full time basis whether as an employee or self employment regardless of whether the wife is working or not as i believe that there are basic needs that a man would desire/need from time to time and one may feel uncomfortable asking the wife for money when such need or desire arises. I only financially support the extended family on both sides whenever i want to or if the situation is life threatening and i can afford to. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by pmdaboh(f): 7:58pm On Nov 28, 2007 |
[b]@April22 I, too, am an African American (prefer the terminology Black) woman married to a Nigerian man. Prayerfully, he will join me in January. He was approved through the Immigration (USCIS) and the National Visa Center, and our case was completed October 25, 2007. Right now, we are waiting on word for his interview at the Lagos Nigerian Embassy. He is from the Ijaw tribe, and I am speaking and writing in the language in a moderate level (ever learning daily). When he comes, I expect we will both learn eachother's culture, for we are from two different cultures. The only thing my husband really is concerned about is supporting his mother financially when he comes to be with me, for he is extremely close to her. I agreed, of course, having met her and knowing that she needs our financial assitance. I also support my mother financially as her needs arise. My husband also has a 4 year old son, who will join us in 2008 as well. When I was in Lagos, Nigeria, I was careful to observe customs (minus the bowing when greeting a male relative, for that was too much for my personal taste). I extended my hand and was very friendly and open. I, personally, do not plan to lose who I am to totally adopt the Nigerian way of life, for I am still me (Patricia). However, we mutually agreed to make adjustments to mend into one another's culture and find OUR OWN PATH in our life. It is nice of you to want to know, but I do not know how much response you will get. In other words, I do not know if a Nigerian man marrying outside of his culture (which many do yearly) goes over that well on this forum. That is why I did not ask the question, but I rather preferred to find out what was important to my husband--as equally--as he found out what was important to me culturally. I write articles, and I do plan to keep a journal (with my husband's permission), entitled, "Doing it the Nigerian Way . . A Mix of Cultures" (eventually turning it into a book), for I want to look back over my experience of mending, or shall I say, blending from two cultures into one. Best wishes for a wonderful life![/b] |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Robotnik: 10:30pm On Nov 28, 2007 |
Nigerian Women should just stay at home cook, clean and Perform some Bedmatics Stunt lol  |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Lady2(f): 10:52pm On Nov 28, 2007 |
I applaud u for wanting to learn the Nigerian culture, trust me it will go a long way. However, don't loose sight of who u are because ur husband married u for u and not as a Nigerian woman. Nigerian women do expect the man to be the head of the household and "bring home the bacon" as u might say, but most are not dependent on the husband. A lot of women are educated and have a career, ofcourse she moves with her husband as she is the home builder but she keeps herself occupied also. My mother was very independent of my father even though she didn't have to, but she did so as an example to her daughters. I was raised never to rely on anyone but God and myself. So I too will be independent. Not all women evaluate men based on the amount of money they make or what rank they have in society (those who do are foolish), for it is not about a man's status in society but about his hardwork. hahaha@"how are Nigerian women too independent?" my dear I don't know how to answer that one, I'll let the men answer it for u. My husband, no matter what nationality will respect my family and understand that when he married me, he married my family also and vice versa, as done in my family, when a family member is in need of help, we all come together to help. However, if the family member is continuously in trouble, we'll encourage them to help themselves. Same with his family |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Leilah(f): 12:43am On Nov 29, 2007 |
Don't know if my opinion is of value to you dear April 22 and others. I am a white and arabic mixed lady married to a nigerian. Lovely man indeed he is. April, ther are huge differences between western culture and naija culture and if anyone can write a book on that its me. Put it this way, it depends on the man but generally speaking it is a traditional society not like our 'oyinbo one lacking in values one' Not true April, not true we do have values indeed. So no matter how much of a sexy, killer cullinaire, nymphomanic, workaholic, super housewife, superwoman, blessing, god fearing, respectable, submissive, OCD style clean etc etc individual you are,tradition will always take over. Be prepared for that. As to whats expected from naija ladies, it depends on the hubby all of the above to say the least plus more. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Nobody: 1:08am On Nov 29, 2007 |
@post they should continue to be beautiful inside and out as they've always been. they should continue be responsible, preserve their culture and tradition.  |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by FemiATL: 3:00am On Nov 29, 2007 |
Also what expectations do Nigerian women have about marriage? Are Nigerian men expected to support their wife's parents, siblings and other family members (in addition to his own)? If so, I wonder how that's playing out in the US., Canada and Great Britain where the cost of living is higher than in Nigeria. Nope! Don't think so------if he does not have the capacity to do so he will not------most Nigerians do not need to support their immediate family on a constant basis------but like every Man regardless of race and culture---------there are some times when you support a member or some members of your family-----just because you have it. I guess your post should draw more interest from the Nigerian men and women who are much more liberal in their choice of who they get married too. Some are a bit reserved------I attribute it to fear of navigating uncharted waters. Generally I think it is the upbringing of the man or woman that determines how the union will be regardless of race. Then culture (if any) comes second. Regardless of who makes the most money, some Nigerian women support their husbands when the needs arise-------and some might hide their money from their husband. But mostly the men will like to always be in charge as always---regardless of who makes the most-----or else he becomes the “do boy”-------which we all know is not a good idea. Do Nigerian women have a yardstick used in measuring the man based on his career, how much he makes etc--------off course-----I think it is all women-----worldwide--------do they enforce that ideology?--------depends on her age and how long she has been in the market. But if you say culture-----personally I think that word is fast fading away in some circles in Nigeria. Nigerian Men when exposed to other culture now marry where their heart leads them------do they turn to tradition later on? It depends on the level or depth at which they want to go. Same goes with the Nigerian Women but at a very small percentage-----why? ------Parental influence is stronger. Personally I have friends who are Nigerian and if you ask them they do not want to marry a Nigerian woman because of various reasons-------and most of them have the same reason either top or second on the list------which is------they do not want to deal with the traditional and cultural drama of being married to a Nigerian woman-----family et al. On the other hand, some Nigerian men prefer their Nigerian women. Mind you, a lot of factors influence this----every single person has a reason ------no matter how dumb, smart, funny, cynical etc. it may be. So please do not generalize with Nigerian women----there are lots of flavors. I think you should just be yourself. I have a saying which is close to my heart-------you cannot teach an old dog new tricks------period! Gosh i talk too much! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by almondjoy(f): 7:05am On Nov 29, 2007 |
April22: April22: You actually got married first and are now looking for some answers?  Any well-thinking female should have spent time studying the man and culture before committing to marriage. You will have to learn as you go along. Some things are best experienced in marriage and no one can give you tips. If I wanted to marry outside my culture I think I would have studied my man and his culture before jumping in not afterwards. You are backing up the wrong tree sis!Congratulations on your marriage and goodluck. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by ndubest(m): 8:52am On Nov 29, 2007 |
@poster inlcuding some of the things said already you have to be very welcoming and accomodating to friends and relatives when they come around the extended family tree is somehting Nigerians are always proud of so make up your mind to receive unscheduled visitors atimes justin giving you 24hrs notice of arrival or no notice at all |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by zigam(m): 9:12am On Nov 29, 2007 |
They are expected to Submit always. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by goodboybad(m): 9:28am On Nov 29, 2007 |
What is expected? Precious Little. They are to understand who is the boss and act accordingly. Else, the secretary steps into the equation |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Albato(m): 9:49am On Nov 29, 2007 |
Our marriage is the OPEN type where extended family members are welcome at all times. Check a situation where the man has to be mindful of his family's opinion before marying a woman. Am just speaking to support a previous member's opinion. You have to be ready to accomodate your hubby's family too in the marriage. Again, culturally speaking, the man is regarded to be the head of the family. There is no power sharing here. A wife is subject to the man. A lot many people will deny this and even scream out "fowl" but they all know its the truth and on average its what happens mostly. The woman's role basically is to raise the kids while the man works hard to maintain the family. This may have changed in recent times due to economic hardship. Both man and woman these days play the role of bread winner but the man is still regarded as the authority. These do not mean our women have been relegated to the background. NO. You will find that if you remain loving, sincere, respectful, accomodating, Naija men can be the best lover around. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by pmdaboh(f): 11:12am On Nov 29, 2007 |
[b]@Almondjoy Equally, the man should ALSO study her culture prior to marriage. It is not just all about the Black woman learning the Nigieran way of life (and I know she asked that), but if the marriage is to work, BOTH equally, must learn one another's culture and respect it. Even though a husband is the head of the house, a woman is NOT marrying a "daddy" figure. He should always, if he is wise, take into consideration, the wife's opinions and thoughts when making deisions. Now if they discuss something, and disagree about it (for most Black women will give their opinion and not just say, "yes Sir" all the time), it is the husband's right, as head of the household to make that FINAL decision, and the wife should respect that. You do not even know if she has or has not already studied his culture to some degree or asked him and others questions to assist her outside of Nairaland, but is rather, seeking MORE advise from her nairaland friends. Please do not be so quick to form an opinion without at least asking her the question "tactfully." Why be so quick to criticize someone who is at least brave enough to reach out on Nairaland. That is why I preferred to seek that information from whom it is the most important--MY NIGERIAN HUSBAND. As much good advise that was given, and it was very good, nice, and supportive, I will live with him, and he may feel differently from what other's say--even though he is Nigerian. He meets me more than half way in all matters, and we are making our own path (Nigerian/Black "Mix"  . She will do just fine, for she cares enough to reach out and at least ask (signs of a good wife)![/b] |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by realcele: 12:29pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
Be yourself, Respect and appreciate your man and adapt to changes. Nigeria culture is very vast and there are town, village etc cultures as well. I personaly find the most important and common to be Respect expecially in what you say, how you say it and in greetings as the westerners use body language more to define meanings of words nigeria culture use more than that. Respect is the keyword. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by idupaul: 12:37pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
April22 nt much is expected frm a nigerian woman as with all women, People jst expect a good woman everywhere. That woman that creates joy frm sorrow, support without branches, inspires wealth with her presence, below r xcerpts frm a poem i like. A good woman is proud She respects herself and others She is aware of who she is She neither seeks definition from the person she is with nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs. A good woman is hopeful She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true She knows love, therefore she gives love She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance She knows that she will at times have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them A good woman knows her past, understands her present and forges towards the future A good woman knows God She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will be played with A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past Instead she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self-love. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Shinatu: 12:46pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
@Albato In cases where the 'bread winning' role changes and the woman takes over that role for one reason or the other? What happens to her own role?Who does it for her? or she continues with those roles plus the additional one and die at 50 like many Nigerian women are doing now? What then is the husband for? |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by tinkerbery(f): 2:45pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
Aprill 22, just be the good wife you are expected to be and all the best in your marriage, it is better to live without rules but i guess you are on the right track, know all you can about the family and traditions cos tradition differs in every ethnic group. respect is paramount, have a blissfull marriage |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by FemiATL: 3:22pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
@Almondjoy Did not really like your comment-----but what can I say------it's your opinion-------but you do not have to make assumptions------I am sure she definitely asked some questions and probably gathered some information somehow-------but it was not enough. Even some Nigerian women ask questions on how to behave when they are in the midst of there husbands family----especially if she is from a different tribe. @Pmdaboh I support what you said----it is a Two-Way Street-----the man also has to learn her own culture too. April22 Like I said earlier-----this is uncharted waters for most Nigerians and you will not get the kind of advice you want from here. Really some people have said it here already------"respect" for the husband’s family is important-----I am sure as a Nigerian he will have respect for your family hard-coded in him so there should be no problem from his side on that. God Speed. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by TmeD0(m): 4:09pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
pmdaboh: Well said pmdaboh! You took the words right out of my mouth. almondjoy: Don't be so quick to judge others based on your assumptions! You know what they say about assumption; it's the mother of all f u c k-u p s. That my dear, is what you've just demonstrated. Chikena! Peace! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by Blackcat(f): 4:19pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
Be yourself, respect your husband(very very important) and his family, accept that he is the head of the house and be his wife,friend,mother and sister. Do this and you will have the best of marriages. Good luck:-) |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by TmeD0(m): 4:42pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
As a naija man, I would expect my wife to learn a little bit (if not all) of our culture and traditions just as I would want to learn and understand hers. And yes, most Nigerians men are expected to take care of their family and their siblings (if need be). Again like someone had posted earlier, this depends on the individual male. Just because they're your siblings doesn't mean you would consider their problems before your immediate family's. To me, my immediate family will always come first and every other person is secondary (that's just me). As far as Nigerian women being independent goes, that is true and I personally have no problem with that. On the other hand, they are still expected to be submissive (doesn't necessarily mean to be timid) and respect their husbands, whom in turn should show the same. Peace! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by almondjoy(f): 5:01pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
pmdaboh: I hope you realize what this thread is about? Did you see any Nigerian man looking for tips on how to survive a multi-racial marriage on Nairaland? I am only going by what the poster asked the cyber audience. Who goes about a website asking for advice about marriage when you have already tied the knot? Everything does not have to have a recipe you know. No two Nigerian guys are the same. She will need to study the guys she is with and learn as she goes along. Simple! There is nothing like a "Nigerian" culture. She needs to start learning the one in her husbands geog area first before looking to study "all different cultures in Nigeria". Then she can start from Northern Nigeria to the south and then from the east to the west. Or better still go and live in Nigeria for about 5 years and cover all geographical locations if she is so interested. You cannot get that kind of vast education from a website!  BTW Nigerian women know what is expected of them since they are Nigerian women. As Black American woman--she might not know what to expect because cultures vary in Nigeria. |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by almondjoy(f): 5:08pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
FemiATL: It is not for you to like my comments but to realize that before we do certain things we have to be prepared. We have enough divorces in the world right now! Just be careful thats all! You jump in and marry a man from a different culture you do not understand and you think that is a rational ingredient for a marriage? All because you are in love. When things start happening that she does not understand, she might start complaining about the Nigerian dude--and might be the first to call him M-F-stinking-African-George-of-the-Jungle-Bunny! When he cooks his stockfish, you will complain that the smell wants to kill her! We see it everyday over here! Are you telling me what I do not know?T@meD0: Who is judging?--If I were judging the poster I would not be so kind! So stop being unecessarily sentimental and pay close attention to the trend of discussions here. Look up the meaning of the word "judging" in the dictionary and educate yourself ok? Shalom to you too! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by ifyalways(f): 5:17pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
keep getting closer and closer to your husband,that is what is expected. there is no laid down rules or recipes that wud make one a better wife.you are already married,do everything within your power to keep the marriage worth it . |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by almondjoy(f): 5:26pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! The length women will go to get married. You did what?  All for a "Hosssssssssssebond"!!!! When he comes over then you can start learning each others cultures right--based on love, religion and great sex--practiced by your few visits to Nigeria and his e-mails to you? Very good!Anyway goodluck! Though I may have a lot to write to you, I will not waste my precious time. Just out of respect as an African American sister! Your education has not started. Keep dreaming! I say goodluck! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by TmeD0(m): 11:35pm On Nov 29, 2007 |
almondjoy: Yeah sure! You were so kind to quickly criticize her! Me? Getting sentimental? Just because I pointed out your shortcoming that makes me sentimental huh? Hmm, I wonder what sentiment has to do with a factual statement. And what's the trend of discussion here that I'm suppose to pay attention to, if you can tell me? Oh! I know, you're referring to your trend of criticism on every thread you participated on here of course! I know you're the only "well-educated" person on Nairaland, which explains why you resort to personal attacks when someone challenges your point of view. Keep it up! Your hypocrisy is becoming more glaring. Anyway, I'm not surprised at your reaction because most people that are so quick to criticize others are not so receptive of criticism. Come to think of it, you must be a very lonely and miserable lady to always want to criticize anything someone has to say. Have a blessed day. Peace! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by FemiATL: 3:33am On Nov 30, 2007 |
It is not for you to like my comments but to realize that before we do certain things we have to be prepared. We have enough divorces in the world right now! Just be careful thats all! You jump in and marry a man from a different culture you do not understand and you think that is a rational ingredient for a marriage? All because you are in love. When things start happening that she does not understand, she might start complaining about the Nigerian dude--and might be the first to call him M-F-stinking-African-George-of-the-Jungle-Bunny! When he cooks his stockfish, you will complain that the smell wants to kill her! We see it everyday over here! Are you telling me what I do not know? See? ------- That is what I am talking about--------"some Nigerians cannot give the right advice because the issue of a Nigerian man marrying a black American is uncharted waters". Now I will add hate and issues! Why does it have to be stockfish------do we all eat it? ------even some Nigerians do not like the smell so what are you saying! There are some Nigerians here that I know that have been married to there Naija wives since they were in Naija. Some met there wives in school------so called sweethearts---others go to Naija to find a wife-------some meet them here in the US. But guess what it is no different at all from any other. They argue about same thing every married couple argue about--------some beat themselves up everyday------others even go to the length of killing the other------tell me you have not heard of it ? So what is this “jumping” you are talking about? How prepared can we be for life, talkless of marriage Is it every time you tell someone have a nice day then the person must have one?? Don’t Nigerian women complain about their husbands??Some even start doing african magic-------I KNOW A LOT ABOUT CRAZY STUFF NAIJA TO NAIJA MARRAIGE HERE IN THE US.Just like T@meD0 pointed out Come to think of it, you must be a very lonely and miserable lady to always want to criticize anything someone has to say. Have a blessed day. Peace!I am not hateful-----I wish you a blessed day too! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by almondjoy(f): 5:02am On Nov 30, 2007 |
T@meD0: Oh please spare me the details! Most educated or most miserable, I like what I am--so deal with it! I was addressing the poster and you are not their typing mouth piece! They can respond for themselves so--Butt out mister! Really was not addressing you and so nothing more to send your way! Hypocrisy? Infact have a blessed rest of the year! You have nothing I can read! So get your own education if you feel so badly about it!  FemiATL: You have a blessed rest of the year too! FYI using the stock fish scenario was just an example! Too bad you missed it! Like I said I was not addressing either of you---so butt out also. The ladies can respond! So long! Miserable or not, learn to mind your own damn business! Don't address me either because I frankly do not care about what you think!Happy Holidays! |
| Re: What's Expected Of Nigerian Women by almondjoy(f): 5:11am On Nov 30, 2007 |
Ladies please listen up! Before you decide to marry into other cultures, it is wise to study the cultures you are getting into to avoid unnecessary conflicts! People getting married within the same cultural backgrounds find it difficult to adjust sometimes. Just be careful and know exactly what you are getting into BEFORE you get married--Not after. Marriage is not a matter of trial by error. You may just save your self a lot heart ache! Once again, Ladies be wary of men who might want to take advantage of you! |
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