Please, family people in the house, I'm on my knees, I need your help.
My beloved female cousin is due to get married. Intro in June, church, Nov. We went out for a girl's night out with our female friends and I noticed she received a series of calls which upset her. Infact, she started complaining of cold and was seriously shivering till we went home, even though the weather was warm. Her mood became sad.
Later that night, I discovered her crying and she confided in me that her fiance was the one who had called her that evening and was heaping abuses on her, that he knows we arrangd other men for her on the night out. She said she had told him earlier that she will be going out with us and she doesnt  understand why he would do that.
She then told me that he's always suspicious whenever she goes out of the house. When she misses his calls, he raises hell. Now she has started taking her phone into the bathroom with her so as not to miss his calls. When he calls and her line is busy, he raises hell. Tells her he knows she's talking to other men. She cant even take a stroll, she has to have a reason for going out and he calls to check frequently. The whole issue surprisd me because I've met the guy and he seems very nice and courteous. But she told me he has called her eediot, liar, chameleon, cunny, during various arguements (on the phone because the relationship is LD). He also accused her once of spreading her legs for eediots.
She feels trapped because of the late stage of their plans. He hid this side of him early in the relationship.
I think she's hoping he might atleast learn to trust her when he discovers she is really a virgin and hasnt been flirting around like he thinks, when they get married (they only smooch right now). She said he even accused her once that since she hasnt allowed him to make love to her, she must be getting it elsewhere. She didnt tell my aunt and uncle (her parents) all these because she doesnt want them to hate him, incase he changes.
I personally think she should call off the wedding immediately. She is a good girl, a beautiful one at that and doesnt deserve all this.
The way she was shivering that night shows its beginning to affect her psyche seriously. But since I'm emotionally involved in the issue (as per, my cousin is involvd) and I'm not married, i decided to seek objective advice from my NL family section people, since your advice will be factual and won't be blinded by emotions. Even though they say no man is perfect, I think she can do better. Thanx and God bless as you leave your 2cents!

It's not late now.To me that guy cannot change and that will be a problem as the relationship progress.I advice you ask her to back out now despite all attachment otherwise, na wahala o.

She said after every episode, he apologises profusely. And tells her he's only behaving like that because he misses her alot and he was just trying to get her attention. He can actually be very caring, attentive and loving when they are together. It is when they are apart that the issues come up.

@jdmurphy
Thank you, I thought so too.

But she told me he has called her eediot, liar, chameleon, cunny, during various arguements (on the phone because the relationship is LD). He also accused her once of spreading her legs for eediots.

I would have called his mother and ALL the females in his ancestral lineage the same, for failing to raise him properly.
This man is purely an emotionally-disconnected, nomadic vagabond!
She needs to 'shout' his arse down for one. . .like I would have done from morning till night till that his useless 'manliness chenney' shrinks into his useless balls.

He must be maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!

She must have grown up in a mentally and physically abusive environment herself, to allow a person like herself(male or female) with only one head to put her down.

She will soon learn to assert herself rightfully.
Tell her not to worry.
ALL Nigerian men are like that. . .
Mine used to be like that till I taught him a few lessons or more.

No need to feel intimidated or run away from the marriage.
She should wait till the certificate is in her hand and show him who the boss of the house really is. 
In fact. . .tell her to contact moi.
By the time she finishes with him. . .he will be a changed man.
Trust me. . .all na shakara. . .let her start from the bedroom and pooh-sie whip his arzzzzzzzz gooooooooood!
Then follow up with good cooking skills and a healthy paycheck!


Real married women do not fear these kinds of men. . .where is her mother by the way? Time to take her into the bedroom and give her a goooood lecture about the abusive nature of Nigerian men.

PIECE OF CAKE!

I think she's hoping he might change when he discovers she is really a virgin and is not a flirt, when they get married (they only smooch right now). She said he even accused her once that since she hasnt allowed him to make love to her, she must be getting it elsewhere. She didnt tell my aunt and uncle (her parents) all these because she doesnt want them to hate him, incase he changes.

Oooooooh. . .?

They have not phocked and he is treating her like this?
I know many Ogboni-Okija virgins all over Nigerian messageboards. . .that were phocked, beaten and driven out of their matrimonial homes for just 'sucking' at marriage period. . .
Lady Diana married Prince Charles as a virgin. . . HA! Look where she ended up.
In the grave. . .while the man re-married the 'OLD POOH-SIE' he had been sucking for over 30 years behind her back and married her after they all killed her. Mu he he he he he

Virginity is not gonna save her marriage. . . for ALL whores were once virgins.

She is marrying a mentally-abusive man period. This is very common amongst Nigerian men. . .She has to get ready to teach him how to communicate better. . . or their children will repeat the cycle of abuse.

Just all about poor communication. . .it does not make the man a bad man. MOST African men do not know how to communicate with females. Their fathers did not communicate with their mothers either. It is left to us to teach them, so our sons can be saved. .

Piece of cake I say!

In fact, for his punishment. . .I will give the damn v[b]a[/b]ginity to the meghad outside the gate before I sleep with him AFTER the marriage!
It looks like 'agro' is catching the swine!

Emotional abuse, that's what this is.

That man is not going to change. If she accepts this now, she's going to become one of those people who come to nairaland to complain when things go wrong , and people will say "Didn't you see all these signs before you married him?"

A broken engagement is better, far better , than a broken marriage. Unfortunately she might not listen to whatever you say because I've noticed that girls only learn that there are plenty more fish in the sea the hard way. Also, she might not see this as being a big deal until it gets worse. And by that time it may be too late.

This your cousin is being emotionally abused and is not well-prepared to deal with it. If she is such a nice girl as you say, she should walk out. That man will be worse when she becomes his wife. Let her look-out for herself first before the man wrecks her.

i think what is wrong in the relationship is open mind communication. maybe she is not open to him as he is to her or he has caught her once in a mess.
also, the guy in question might have been a victim of mistrust.
both parties have to sit down and talk heart to heart if the relationship must continue.
she should let him know that she loves him and will never cheat on him and that she is not comfortable with his suspicious actions and if he cannot give her trust then the relationship cannot work.

@Blazay.
I believe that the man can cool down (maybe), if its a fire for fire situation. But my cousin is very quiet, and the quieter she is, the wilder it becomes. Because that night he called her, she didnt say much. I just noticed she kept recieving calls! He was insulting her in all the calls.
About the virginity issue, am not saying it will save her marriage. What I tried to say is; SHE THINKS HE MIGHT TRUST HER WHEN HE LEARNS SHE HAS REALLY BEEN FAITHFUL AND HASN'T BEEN SLEEPING AROUND.
I know most men are possessive, but isnt this too much? He's basically calling her a love pedler, you know. But if there's anyway you can help, I can leave an email. You seem very confident that he can change! Thanx!

@IyaBasira, @mclatunji
@kunle_j
She said whenever she brings the issue of trust, he says he trusts her. Just that his actions shows he doesnt.
Another thing is, she has friends, both male and female which he wants her to cut off from. The males are platonic and I dont think its wrong that she has male friends because no man is an island. One time in school (far from home), she had a road accident, and it was those guys that took it upon themselves to take her to the hospital and paid upfront for her treatment and called home to inform her dad. It was after her discharge that her female friends started visiting. She says she views those guys as her brothers, but he wants her to cut off all contact. She doesnt even see them physically because after grad, everybody scattered. They only catch up once in a while on phone. Growing up, she was a serious introvert and we were even happy when she started being outgoing and started making friends, male and female.
She said he has been heartbroken before. His former girlfriend betrayed him.

divalishis:

@IyaBasira, @mclatunji
@kunle_j
She said whenever she brings the issue of trust, he says he trusts her. Just that his actions shows he doesnt.
Another thing is, she has friends, both male and female which he wants her to cut off from. The males are platonic and I dont think its wrong that she has male friends because no man is an island. One time in school (far from home), she had a road accident, and it was those guys that took it upon themselves to take her to the hospital and paid upfront for her treatment and called home to inform her dad. It was after her discharge that her female friends started visiting. She says she views those guys as her brothers, but he wants her to cut off all contact. She doesnt even see them physically because after grad, everybody scattered. They only catch up once in a while on phone. Growing up, she was a serious introvert and we were even happy when she started being outgoing and started making friends, male and female.
She said he has been heartbroken before. His former girlfriend betrayed him.

Are you just receiving updates from your Cousin or you just want to be giving us bit-by-bit information. Let us be honest, no man likes his potential wife having several platonic or "silver" male friends. However, that does not justify him giving the girl emotional trauma.  He should just let her see that as a loving man, it hurts his feelings when she shares a close bond with other males.

I have to repeat the guy is abusive. If your dear cousin cannot deal with his abuse she should get out of the relationship. If you walk around the right circles you will find people who can truly appreciate you for who you are and what you are worth, God-willing.

@mclatunji
She's at our house at the moment and will be for some time. She was supposd 2 do some shopping and leave but she cant right now, cos of election wahala.
@all
She's not from an abusive home, my aunt and uncle are very loving and theirs is a tight knit family.
Its even me that i'm from a dysfunctional family, yet my guy is very ok.

Wharrrris so fantastic about keeping male friends? When a girl grows up around a lot of brothers and male cousins like myself. . .it becomes natural to feel more comfortable with the opposite sex than dealing with a bunch of feminine "skanky hoes" around dya. . . who always wanno compete while never learning to mind their businesses as busy bodies and idle gossips. Her husband-to-be must be a VERRRRRY LOCAAAAAAAAAAL-buuuuuuush man. Is it every man you talk to you wanno phock?

Thank God I have only one sister.

I do not keep female friends and my husband has just got used to minding his doggone business. . . like I trained him to. . .knowing he always has the 'HIGHWAY' as an option.

Abi, honey nor be so? I don't mind him keeping his female friends either. . . not my phocking business. Not that insecure over a damn pe-nis.


If she thinks she is going through hell now, let her wait till they have had a few phocks or so. . . or had one or two children where everywhere don 'slack finish'!
She nefa see h-any tin yet!
She berra get ready for the 'batro' of her life.

Mu he he he he he

Its even me that i'm from a dysfunctional family, yet my guy is very ok.

Abi ooooooooh!
We so-called dysfunctional ones seem to attract all the gooood men. . .while these 'holy-nweje'/Ogboni-Okija primary, secondary or tertiary V[b]A[/b]GINS with super wide anuses, just seem to get phocked, kicked and driven out like nama from their matrimonial torture chambers. Especially after saving the smelling congo for one psychotic toad! Yes! ALL congos smell. . .especially when unwashed. V[b]A[/b]GIN or no V[b]A[/b]GIN!

Make any man jusss tryam come my side. . .

Na "Oshelenge O sheleeee" im go smell for im nose.

Shiooooooooooor.

No woman with a father at home who gave her some gooood attention as a daddy's little princess will tolerate this bull-crap from any man.

I don't know any.

Blazay:

Wharrrris so fantastic about keeping male friends? When a girl grows up around a lot of brothers and male cousins like myself. . .it becomes natural to feel more comfortable with the opposite sex than dealing with a bunch of feminine "skanky hoes" around ya. . . who always wanno compete while never minding their businesses as busy bodies and idle gossips. Her husband to be must be a VERRRRRY buuuuuuush man. Is it every man you talk to you wanno phock?

Thank God I have only one sister.

I do not keep female friends and my husband has just got used to minding his doggone business. . . like I trained him to. . .knowing he always has the 'HIGHWAY' as an option.

Abi, honey nor be so? I don't mind him keeping his female friends either. . . not my phocking business.


If she thinks she is going through hell now, let her wait till they have had a few phocks or so. . . or had one or two children where everywhere don 'slack finish'!
She nefa see h-any tin yet!
She berra get ready for the 'batro' of her life.

Mu he he he he he

Abi ooooooooh!
We so-called dysfunctional ones seem to attract all the gooood men. . .while these 'holy-nweje'/Ogboni-Okija primary, secondary or tertiary V[b]A[/b]GINS with super wide anuses, just seem to get phocked, kicked and driven out like nama from their matrimonial torture chambers. Especially after saving the smelling congo for one psychotic toad! Yes! ALL congos smell. . .especially when unwashed. V[b]A[/b]GIN or no V[b]A[/b]GIN!

Make any man jusss tryam come my side. . .

Na "Oshelenge O sheleeee" im go smell for im nose.

Shiooooooooooor.

No woman with a father at home who gave her some gooood attention as a daddy's little princess will tolerate this bull-crap from any man.

I don't know any.

Sorry @your poor husband.

Another punching bag in the making - the day she doesn't pick up - I'm sorry for what will happen to her.

^^^
She says she has missed his calls on some occasions. That when she's at her parents, he doesnt really mind the missed calls, but when she's on her own, he gets very insultive when they eventually talk. He asks her if she's finished with the fools and eediots that made her ignore his calls.

maclatunji:

Sorry @your poor husband.

Hmmmm.
Thank you.
Glad it ain't the likes of you either.
I would have booted your arzzzzzzzz in your pyjamas ourra my house.
Or called the police to escort your bush behind out of my district with a restraining order spanning 100 miles, after licensing and purchasing a shot-gun soley for your apparition.

"Deji Of Akure"!

Sit here and by typing male chauvinistic drivel.

Don't go and look for one of these 'recycled', ugly, old-cargos around here to phock and 'give belle' to show for your life yoo yeer?
Before both your sperm and her eggs all dry out like sun-dried catarrh.
So we can pity her too. . .and y'awl's ugly offsprings bald from birth!

Ye-ye local chicken likeeey yoooo!

please, lets keep things civil. . .thanks.

Blazay:

Hmmmm.
Thank you.
Glad it ain't the likes of you either.
I would have booted your arzzzzzzzz in your pyjamas ourra my house.
Or called the police to escort your bush behind out of my district with a restraining order spanning 100 miles, after licensing and purchasing a shot-gun soley for your apparition.

"Deji Of Akure"!

Sit here and by typing male chauvinistic drivel.

Don't go and look for one of these 'recycled', ugly, old-cargos around here to phock and 'give belle' to show for your life yoo yeer?
Before both your sperm and her eggs all dry out like sun-dried catarrh.
So we can pity her too. . .and y'awl's ugly offsprings bald from birth!

Ye-ye local chicken likeeey yoooo!

sorry² @your poor husband

hehehehehehe

Tell her to hold the marriage thingy first @topic

maclatunji:


sorry² @your poor husband

Fine, go and marry your own without ending up a widow/er make we cry for both you and her/him huh?
At least, mine is still alive and well. . . unlike you Ogboni-Okija UGLY, battered divorcees and widows/widowers with all your 'V[b]A[/b]GINITY' made of alum and borite used in washing snails(after all, congo-meat na congo-meat ba?)!  With some triple-wide oozing anus too?
May God keep divorcing y'all. . .to ya graves and by assassins' bullets too, instead of man.
Iseeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Swamp thingy!
NL recycled wor-wor biaaatch!

God save that your useless behind that it is time for me to get out of this my bed this morning to attend to better things.
Ewu!

You think it is all women that are stoopid enough to chop shyyte in marriage out of sheer desperation?

Try ya luck. . .make I sand paper ya face this morrirrring!

Awobi!

Ahaha @ "make I sand paper your face" -- haha! You blokes are funny. No need for fighting sha!

Pls and pls, lets keep the peace.
@jennykadry
Do you mean she should just postpone the plans for now? Or she should call off the whole thing. Because majority here*including me* believes he wont change.

Which kain keep the peace. You don't keep peace with rude and offensive posters on NL or ANY Nigerian forum.
Never give them one inch to make an arzzze of themselves around you.
If you give them ONE inch. . .they take the mile and uproot the milestone too!
Especially these useless men without home-training around here.
Boolsheet!

divalishis:

@Blazay.
I believe that the man can cool down (maybe), if its a fire for fire situation. But my cousin is very quiet, and the quieter she is, the wilder it becomes. Because that night he called her, she didnt say much. I just noticed she kept recieving calls! He was insulting her in all the calls.
About the virginity issue, am not saying it will save her marriage. What I tried to say is; SHE THINKS HE MIGHT TRUST HER WHEN HE LEARNS SHE HAS REALLY BEEN FAITHFUL AND HASN'T BEEN SLEEPING AROUND.
I know most men are possessive, but isnt this too much? He's basically calling her a love pedler, you know. But if there's anyway you can help, I can leave an email. You seem very confident that he can change! Thanx!

It is very obvious both parrries need some form of pre-marital counselling or therapy.
You are not serious.
You don't cool down for this kind of peeps o!
He will soon start beating her. . .
Let her sit down there and be doing sme-sme. . .!!!

The reason all these 'marry a virgin'/born again relationships do not work out. She sounds a tad 'tarded' herself. Instead of recognizing she is playing with a rattle-snake which should be swiped with a hammer, she is concentrating on her so-called virginity?
Is she alright?

If she becomes unfaithful FOR VERY GOOD REASONS. . .  which I will sanction and bless too after getting married to this 'goon'. . .she will end up in the morge abi?

Heeeeeeeey!!! orisi-risi!!!

I don't know what is wrong with all these girls I swear!

She must be a VERRRRRRRRRRRRY ugly girl to put up with all these.

Please, let her read my responses. . . I am afraid it is already too late. She actually has only the virginity thingy going for her. . . no brains for sure! Her socialization skills, conflict resolution managenment abilities are SEVERLY LIMITED!

IS THIS HOW SHE WANTS TO RUN A HOME WITH A POTENTIAL MAD MAN RUNNING AROUND IN IT?



Please, don't make me start shouting this morrrrring eeeeeeeeeeeyh!!!

Chinekee my God!



This lady has absolutely NO boundaries when it comes to what hurts and what does not. She acts like a 'battered' woman already. God forbid!

She needs to BURN her Bible sharp-sharp. Not when you are planning to marry a NIGERIAN man. . .say whaaaaaaaaat?

Na dead body we wan bury so.

Mu he he he he he

You sef are not helping matters. How did you end up associating with such a weak character. . .abi na 'shrinking violet'? I can never associate with such timid creatures. . . NEVER. I usually let them stew in their own peppersoup!

Sam-sam!
Twa!

You are planning to get married with only 'virginity' as your main claim to fame? Instead of getting to know yourselves in a healthy union. . .SEXUALLY TOO. . .they are already a statistical marital failure from the get go! How can GOD come down and salvage this kind of mess that has goooone so baaaaaaad from the beginning?

I repeat. . .Lady Diana was a virgin princess too. . .married to an ashawo 'prince'. . . she ended up dead!

Virginity abi na v[b]a[/b]ginity did not save her from a loveless marriage.

I hope she has a job and DOES NOT plan to be a house wife. . .or she is gonna be a dead woman.

You wanno bet?

divalishis:

Pls and pls, lets keep the peace.
@jennykadry
Do you mean she should just postpone the plans for now? Or she should call off the whole thing. Because majority here*including me* believes he wont change.

She is saying that your cousin should marry the man first and then start working on changing him. I think this is a classic mistake. How many people have married hoping to change their spouses only to find that they only become worse after tying the knot? I think you should know that divalishis. And okay, I won't derail your thread anymore (I made my point).

Made my point too.
Mwaaaaaah!

Very soon --- the man will start beating her, esp after he takes her virginity, anod now there's no proof as to how far wide her kitten should xpand.

Mu he he he he

One of those Moutallab muuzlims will inherit the congo intact when she reach God face for sure!

Shiooooooooor!

Virgin ko!
Atlantic ni!
See how 'silly' virgins end up? 
Disu wan na for civilized world o. Not to mention broke-arzzzzzzzze local champions from the jungo of Africa.
Shiooooooooor! African 'craw-fish' virgin. Make she nor go school learn to become bread-winner like powerful modern women oh?

There will be a break with tradition at the royal wedding ceremony on July 29 at St Paul's Cathedral when Lady [size=20pt]Diana Spencer will not promise to obey the Prince of Wales.[/size]

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/system/topicRoot/Wedding_of_Charles_and_Diana/

No wonder she ended up dead.


See who the "ay-dion-vbhan" ended up with? An "ay-deh-deh" with false teeth like his after they all planned to ge[b]rrri[/b]d of her so they can keep phocking themselves. Did they not eventually get married after she died like one [size=20pt]'Buckingham Bushmeat'[/size]?

To add insult to injury. . .after chopping her 'virgin' congo. . . with 2 beautiful boys. . . !!! Hmmmmm!!!



http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7420541/ns/world_news/


Abeg when she reaash dia, make she greet Lady "DINAH" for me o! Too bad she will only see her sons get married and carry her grand-children from her diamond coffin where she don die dey rotten troway tay tay.

God forbid I say!
Make she shine her eyes well well o!
She ain't marrying a Prince Charles. . . mwaaaaaah!!!
Ewooooo!!!

@OP,Lots of truths in Blazay's posts . . .

Your cousin is already resigned herself to fasting and prayers,fate and staying good while the dude gets worst everyday.Not too late to turn around and walk away . . .such men hardly change and If ever they do,it wont be for a girl like ur sister nor cause of fasting and prayers,They change(If ever) when they jam a strong,sensible lady who would put them in their rightful place,not one already wallowing in self pity and resigned to a life of semi-widow.

I am telling her to hold the plans and if he does not change , she needs to walk. lucky her because all these things are happening now and not later

I think she should walk. He obviously has control issues and I do not think that can change. He probably picked her because he saw that he could control her. For her to go into the bathroom with her phone because she is afraid of missing his calls and dealing with his abuse after is just not acceptable. It will get worse after they are married and this usually ends up with physical abuse. She needs to walk now. I know she will not listen though.

@blazay
Being a virgin or not is not the main issue. His abuse is the issue here. She is well educated AND beautiful. By the way, she said after thinking of quitting, she started attacking him back, but that's not the kind of life she wants to live.
@mclatunji
thanks. Its just so sad that this is happening to my sweet cousin.
@ify
Yeah, I aceded earlier that the man might calm down if its a fire for fire situation. But that my cousin is quiet, doesnt mean she's not sensible. Its only natural to explore all possible options of making a relationship work before giving up. And everybody in the world cannot be acid tongued, the world would have since ended.
@outstrip
thank you, thats what i feel too!