Hope u find something to crack ya ribs



Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.


After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.


The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'


'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'


'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'



'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window, took my teeth with her!'

Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.

The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.

The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.

"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.

A couple of minutes later in comes John.

"It is definitely a bank!"

"What exactly did the sign say?"

"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""