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The Nigerian God - Religion - Nairaland

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Fela, Schopenhauer Onfray And The Nigerian God / Deeper Life Bible Church: The Nigerian Church That Has Stood The Test Of Time / "Nigerian God Is A Fraud, It Uses Pastors To Rob Nigerians" - Bisi Alimi (2) (3) (4)

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The Nigerian God by atheistandproud(m): 8:33am On Jun 04, 2021
HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s. The Nigerian god sometimes deeply appreciates a good beheading for people who blaspheme. If the person who insults your religion is online and you can't locate them, feel free to threaten to kill them. Like we say in Nigeria: "at all-at all na im bad pass". Something is better than nothing at all.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or Twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.
These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship. Also, nothing like a Twitter hashtag with your pastors sermon. These are great hashtags to consider for Sundays: #SundaysWithJesus #JesusRocks #SundaySermon #Crazy4JC

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

Author: Elnathan John.

5 Likes

Re: The Nigerian God by Techguy96(m): 8:41am On Jun 04, 2021
Ain't that just the Christian n Muslim God.

1 Like

Re: The Nigerian God by atheistandproud(m): 8:42am On Jun 04, 2021
Techguy96:
Ain't that just the Christian n Muslim God.

Of the Nigerian variant with a Nigerian flavour
Re: The Nigerian God by Kobojunkie: 8:55am On Jun 04, 2021
Sigh ! lipsrsealed
Re: The Nigerian God by hakeem4(m): 8:58am On Jun 04, 2021
The Nigerian god such a funny personality. He is such a megalomaniac and he wants his adherent to live a life of servitude.

3 Likes

Re: The Nigerian God by atheistandproud(m): 9:17am On Jun 04, 2021
hakeem4:
The Nigerian god such a funny personality. He is such a megalomaniac and he wants his adherent to live a life of servitude.

I swear. grin grin grin

1 Like

Re: The Nigerian God by Dtruthspeaker: 9:36am On Jun 04, 2021
atheistandproud:
HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s. The Nigerian god sometimes deeply appreciates a good beheading for people who blaspheme. If the person who insults your religion is online and you can't locate them, feel free to threaten to kill them. Like we say in Nigeria: "at all-at all na im bad pass". Something is better than nothing at all.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or Twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.
These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship. Also, nothing like a Twitter hashtag with your pastors sermon. These are great hashtags to consider for Sundays: #SundaysWithJesus #JesusRocks #SundaySermon #Crazy4JC

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

Author: Elnathan John.

grin Proof that Nigerians follow Satan via his diverse offices grin
Re: The Nigerian God by Dtruthspeaker: 9:38am On Jun 04, 2021
atheistandproud:
HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s. The Nigerian god sometimes deeply appreciates a good beheading for people who blaspheme. If the person who insults your religion is online and you can't locate them, feel free to threaten to kill them. Like we say in Nigeria: "at all-at all na im bad pass". Something is better than nothing at all.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or Twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.
These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship. Also, nothing like a Twitter hashtag with your pastors sermon. These are great hashtags to consider for Sundays: #SundaysWithJesus #JesusRocks #SundaySermon #Crazy4JC

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

Author: Elnathan John.

grin Absolute and Complete Proof that Nigerians worship Satan via his diverse offices and branch offices grin

Satan's descendants deceiving themselves and their fellow brothers in Satan. grin grin

1 Like

Re: The Nigerian God by atheistandproud(m): 10:32am On Jun 04, 2021
Dtruthspeaker:


grin Absolute and Complete Proof that Nigerians worship Satan via his diverse offices and branch offices grin

Satan's descendants deceiving themselves and their fellow brothers in Satan. grin grin

grin grin grin grin grin grin

Babe when dem shag just now, go get up tie towel de sing praises and worship songs after fornicating according to their religion.

Babanriga crooks go inflate contracts then waka go do ablution as if nothing happen.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: The Nigerian God by Dtruthspeaker: 10:44am On Jun 04, 2021
atheistandproud:


grin grin grin grin grin grin

Babe when dem shag just now, go get up tie towel de sing praises and worship songs after fornicating according to their religion.

Babanriga crooks go inflate contracts then waka go do ablution as if nothing happen.

grin Bros, real madness! Friday last week I see one in mini-mini, she fire me eye, I dodge am, Sunday morning see how she dress like human being wear bonnet cover head, dey go office.

Or de way pain me pass dose days wey I dey go dose places, dem jus pray finish comot, for car park dem Don dey curse hot hot curse for anybody wey don block dia moto.

All of them both pastor and the pastored, be the same Satan pikin.

1 Like

Re: The Nigerian God by Nobody: 11:04am On Jun 04, 2021
Let's be honest, he nailed it. 99.9/100.



Bravo. Bravissimo.

2 Likes

Re: The Nigerian God by atheistandproud(m): 10:37pm On Jun 04, 2021
mansakhalifa:
Let's be honest, he nailed it. 99.9/100.



Bravo. Bravissimo.

The so-called christain defenders on NL see the post run na grin grin grin grin
Re: The Nigerian God by Dtruthspeaker: 8:45am On Jun 05, 2021
atheistandproud:


The so-called christain defenders on NL see the post run na grin grin grin grin

grin You did not speak Truth here. As a Christ Follower I clearly told you that your post were talking about Satan's children working in their father's diverse offices and Not About Christ Followership or Christians! grin
Re: The Nigerian God by OkCornel(m): 8:50am On Jun 05, 2021
Lmao, the Nigerian “God” is an interesting case study.

1 Like

Re: The Nigerian God by atheistandproud(m): 2:20am On Jun 09, 2021
OkCornel:
Lmao, the Nigerian “God” is an interesting case study.

It is oh

1 Like 1 Share

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