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[exclusive] Satirical Liturgy: A Case For Satan [story By Uptownerd ] - Literature - Nairaland

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[exclusive] Satirical Liturgy: A Case For Satan [story By Uptownerd ] by philfearon(m): 6:36pm On Jun 07
In today’s liturgy, humans drag God and Satan to a Court presided by Chukwu.

The Liturgical Events –

After three disastrous wars that almost wiped them out of existence needlessly, the People of Earth unanimously agreed to file a petition against God and Satan in Chukwu’s Court located at Eluigwe on their grievances. Their busy schedules made the People of Earth file a motion for a Substituted Service Order to serve God and Satan through medium and places they frequent regularly since they rarely stayed at home. The Bailiff, Amadioha after threatening thunder and lightning was mellowed down by Ala, his wife who simply told her sweetheart the places Satan and God cannot afford not to visit afford on earth every day.

When Amadioha inquired further, Ala told him God frequents a Temple somewhere at a major town in the South-Eastern part of Nigeria where the best wine from earth are offered to him every day through their special Ngwori Palm Wine Temple with sweet melodies from Bongo to chill it with. Knowing God, Amadioha didn’t want to meet Him intoxicated. So, he promptly took excuse from Ala and quickly made a quick bargain with Ezemmiri to quickly transport him to the nearest location to Owerri. Amadioha was afraid that if he came down shining bright and hurtling like a lightning backed by the sound of his trademark thunderclap, God might just disappear. He also needed humans to bear him witness that he has served God the court processes filed by People of Earth. Fortunately for him, the Oriental Brothers album was the special request for the day. Those who are familiar with the inner workings and decibels of the Orientals collectively agree that it is great for special palm wine occasions.

Amadioha used the advantage to sneak up on God and served him the court process in front of at least hundred other humans who were also doing their own special palm wine jollification. Just as soon, the Litigator-General of Heaven or Elder 12 was summoned by God to take the Court process and go over it, sounding a serious warning that He is not to be disturbed until the best Palmie for the day is done justice to. While they were still at it, Amadioha roared off after the Litigator-General signed the mandatory proof of service.

Ala had earlier told him that Satan was likely in Sambisa Forest arguing with Terrorists and trying to let them know that they are accusing him wrongly, giving him the wrong blames and propagating teachings that he is not capable of creating. But, the terrorists simply were not having any of his whining and have been insisting that they blame him for destroying the world and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to take responsibility for something everyone knew he did. They were at it when Amadioha stormed in like a cannonball, frightening the terrorists who thought the infidels have launched a new aerial bombardment. They hailed Amadioha as he served Satan his court process, but he rebuffed them. According to Amadioha, were he not on an official duty, he would have roasted their skin with Egbe Eluigwe. He left after Satan signed the proof of service.

The court date was set one week later after God filed His Statement of Defense through the Litigator-General of Heaven, while Satan filed his own Statement of Defense through the best lawyer in the Universe, Lilith.


Re: [exclusive] Satirical Liturgy: A Case For Satan [story By Uptownerd ] by philfearon(m): 10:48am On Jun 09
Follow us at Uptownerd for more entertaining piece.

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