Skyview01:


I agree. Maybe go and steal, commit fraud at work, or better still,

Are those the only options?

you can lend him the money.

I probably would’ve if I knew him personally.

A lot of Nigerians put themselves through unnecessary stress to please others. I stopped doing that a long time ago.

One could easily type anything on nairaland, but we all know reality is different.
Op’s situation is not a matter of pleasing others, it is a matter of duty which he must fulfill to the best of his ability.

Karlman:
I called my senior bros yesterday and he listed all that culture demands from me which included Goats and yams and palm wine and beer...three big goats to be precise and each from 35 to 40 k

Bros I understand your situation. Unfortunately, you may need to seek for a short-term loan else them go rubbish you. Your reputation is actually on the line and I understand the expense is sudden and prompt. However, please comply and go ahead.

GboyegaD:
The Nigerian situation cannot get any better if we keep trying to hold unto what is not. Some people are given burials that they never had a taste of a tenth of such while they were alive.

OP, my advice once again, do not live to please people. The dead is gone, do what is necessary (support the family with your words of hope even at this trying time) and leave the rest. Dem no dey catch person wey no contribute and should anyone want to talk you down about not contributing, cut off such a person. You are grown enough to recognize tantrums and avoid such.

Chief, this is not about pleasing anyone. This is tradition. If you don't understand, keep quiet. The in-laws burying their father also have financial commitment too but as per traditional rites, they have to do the right thing. There is a difference here.

People open their mouth to talk anyhow but when face with the situation, they will do similar thing.

RightToReject:





It's not about unnecessary aggression or anything of such, OK. I don't like the idea of anyone distorting facts wittingly or unwittingly. You and I know that in the same Igboland, the poor have always buried their relatives based on the size of their pocket, culture or no culture.

It's the same thing when some myopic people from or outside the Igboland, or bigoted hateful people from outside the Igbo land, strive hard to tell whosoever cares to listen that anyone who wants to marry an Igbo woman must pay and spend millions, whereas evidence abounds everywhere that people from within and outside marry Igbo women based on the size of their pockets or how they present themselves culture or no culture.

Culture has never been about how the dead people did their things; rather, it has always been about how the living people choose to do their things.

Yes. Rather than coming to Nairaland to vent. He should go back to his in-laws and negotiate what he can afford.

Boss13:


Chief, this is not about pleasing anyone. This is tradition. If you don't understand, keep quiet. The in-laws burying their father also have financial commitment too but as per traditional rites, they have to do the right thing. There is a difference here.

People open their mouth to talk anyhow but when face with the situation, they will do similar thing.

Boss13:


Bros I understand your situation. Unfortunately, you may need to seek for a short-term loan else them go rubbish you. Your reputation is actually on the line and I understand the expense is sudden and prompt. However, please comply and go ahead.

Finally, someone who understands the situation.

Boss13:


Yes. Rather than coming to Nairaland to vent. He should go back to his in-laws and negotiate what he can afford.

Exactly what I suggested.

Everyone knows that times are hard now, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

cococandy:
I’m suspecting these folks are igbo. I still don’t know why we go overboard on funerals when the family is grieving and should be extended a hand of help and sympathy. Rather, the community wants to use that opportunity to extort them. This part of our culture has never been acceptable to my spirit.

If one in-law is expected to bring goats (multiple) how many are the others then expected to bring and how much in total are they expecting from this one family? To whose benefit? Did any of them even give a hoot about the man while he was alive? Now he’s dead they want to be dined and wined by his hurting and grieving children.

Extravagant funerals should be done only if that’s what the nuclear family wants for their father and whomever amongst them that wants it badly should be the one to pay for it. You shouldn’t be mourning your dead family member and also stressing about not having money to entertain community people.

Not only igboland.
Except core North, its the same all over Nigeria.

Also, in some igbo families like mine and village, they have stopped extravagant funeral. Its mainly the married daughter that make this very difficult for her husband and his people cos she want to show she married into rich family or her husband is not araldite.
If a married woman insist that this is what she and her husband will bring to the table, that is the end of the story.
It's not in any written constitution actually. People continue to add and add and it just became the tradition. Ask for the constitutional phamplet and they will start stuttering.
Benue(idoma) is worst than igboland. Your father while alive will tell you that you must kill 5 cows for him when he dies. You see sons will start saving for cow money 10 or 20 yrs while daddy still dey alive.

NoToPile:


I understand your point as culture varies but I think its better to attend without doing anything financially than not attending your in-laws burial. Even if your people don't come with you, attendance is important.

Why will he not attend his inlaw burial?
If it's his father,will he also not attend?
What nonsense in the name of no money or is this a jinx as usual to start demonising as usual?

James4358:


Three big goats. Eight yams. Four cartons of beer. Four gallons of palm wine. ...is a 150 k expenses where do I go and borrow that at this time. I Would have loved to help u with that amount, but how will u pay back seeing that this is a faceless forun! I understand ur predicament in this matter.

Thanks my brother...but to be honest with you if I borrow that money it's going to affect me because after the burial my children will eat and go to school. In fact I had to suspend their resumption this term just so I can use my whole salary l to package them for the travel. That is much sacrifice for me.

Boss13:


Chief, this is not about pleasing anyone. This is tradition. If you don't understand, keep quiet. The in-laws burying their father also have financial commitment too but as per traditional rites, they have to do the right thing. There is a difference here.

People open their mouth to talk anyhow but when face with the situation, they will do similar thing.

Oga, you should be the one to shut your mouth. Since it is tradition, why not bail him out? Typical of a Nigerian, thinking in weird ways and complaining about corrupt practices when we make people do all sorts to raise funds even when they don't have for frivolity sake in the name of culture.

JovialJune:



Toh you said my mind, but I don't want to talk much, before them "culture has to be respected and upholded" people come with their wahala even if the culture is evil or a form of extortion, they forget that change is constant in life.

Op do you abeg.

Yet we complain about corruption. What an irony.

alayandekolasam:
@ Kalman,
The issue on ground is something most married men can relate with.
Traditionally speaking, you are obliged to play a good part, and we all know Nigerian burial ceremony is about money.
But given your current financial situation, these whole thing can be easier handled.
First off, what has been your relationship with your in-laws?- good relationship enhances mutual understanding even in hard times.
Were you (spouse's) there to care for the man when he was alive - because even if you have all the money to spend now, it won't make as much difference safe for the mere crowd accolades.
How intimate are you with your wife- if your wife can't trust you when you say you don't have, then that is a bit of problem.
Trust me, a great deal of the covering, lobbying, softlanding etc will be done by your wife because, she still remains their daughter.
You need to sit down together and work out the most helpful way out -I pray she is the understanding type, and there is mutual love among the siblings.
And as things stand now, you may need to bury your ego and make your presence felt while the whole thing last.
Don't invite a crowd, and be ready to bear indirect insult.
Please keep your hope for a better day high. It is no crime to be broke in a moment, you may be the breadwinner of the whole family tomorrow.
Cheers bro

Thanks bro

descarado:

Why will he not attend his inlaw burial?
If it's his father,will he also not attend?
What nonsense in the name of no money or is this a jinx as usual to start demonising as usual?

So what exactly am I supposed to do now so as to make sure I fulfill my cultural obligation without having to jeopardize my life and peace7
Solution is what I want to hear that is why I brought up this my issue here.

Boss13:

Chief, this is not about pleasing anyone. This is tradition. If you don't understand, keep quiet. The in-laws burying their father also have financial commitment too but as per traditional rites, they have to do the right thing. There is a difference here.

People open their mouth to talk anyhow but when face with the situation, they will do similar thing.

Tradional rites the dead man no fit afford when while he was alive. No be shackles be that one?

Boss13:


Yes. Rather than coming to Nairaland to vent. He should go back to his in-laws and negotiate what he can afford.

My dear this forum Nairaland might be faceless but there is a lot to learn here and so many people have been saved from a lot of anguish and depression by bringing the problem up for others to contribute positive solutions.
For instance this matter has bugged me for weeks and I have been so restless. But now I have found solace in a lot of comments here.

Boss13:


Bros I understand your situation. Unfortunately, you may need to seek for a short-term loan else them go rubbish you. Your reputation is actually on the line and I understand the expense is sudden and prompt. However, please comply and go ahead.

Bros not that I have not considered that LOAN option but dear I have gone through a lot in life that now I guard my mind and heart with all my strength...I don't want to lose my mind for anything. Loans bro takes away a mans peace. Taking a loan to sort this problem would only create a bigger problem.

mariahAngel:


5k cha? Mba, ya wete pam ise.

Pam ise owu ego ole?

One mama come buy something last year, she said she is paying otu akpa ego...I was lost...


Like I am in 1914..lol..

Ndi mama eeh..

Munzy14:


Pam ise owu ego ole?

One mama come buy something last year, she said she is paying otu akpa ego...I was lost...


Like I am in 1914..lol..

Ndi mama eeh..

O nwere ike wuru #500

Reminds me of my grandmother.

Karlman:

So what exactly am I supposed to do now so as to make sure I fulfill my cultural obligation without having to jeopardize my life and peace7
Solution is what I want to hear that is why I brought up this my issue here.

please attend the funeral o.
Not attending because you have no money is worse than not contributing financially.

mariahAngel:


O nwere ike wuru #500

Reminds me of my grandmother.

I ga asi kwa, na #100.... I was lost so I directed her
to momsy, ya na ya e settle akpa ego owu..


Ihe nke afugburu momsy that day..Ya emechaa kpo m, si ihu la Nwaanyi a, gbagbuo way ya...

Ndi mma siri ike sha..

Can I take oranges daily?....a huru m ebe gbara cheap, zukoro ya...I just hope it is not too much taking it everyday since Tuesday now.

Karlman:

Thanks my brother...but to be honest with you if I borrow that money it's going to affect me because after the burial my children will eat and go to school. In fact I had to suspend their resumption this term just so I can use my whole salary l to package them for the travel. That is much sacrifice for me.

Children didn't resume school because to have money to take them to do burial.

That's craziness is big bro

Let the children go to school and tell the family that this time around you have little money.
Don't kill yourself because of burial.

Most people in the country are also broke like you like me.

juman:


Children didn't resume school because to have money to take them to do burial.

That's craziness is big bro

Let the children go to school and tell the family that this time around you have little money.
Don't kill yourself because of burial.

Most people in the country are also broke like you like me.

It's crazy but their mother have to be at her own father's burial ceremony nah...and the children have to be with her . Hope you understand now?

descarado:

Why will he not attend his inlaw burial?
If it's his father,will he also not attend?
What nonsense in the name of no money or is this a jinx as usual to start demonising as usual?

He was going that line of not attending in one of his posts hence my comment, it would be quite bad for him not to attend, he shouldn't say because he can't fulfil the financial rites he would stay away.

cococandy:

please attend the funeral o.
Not attending because you have no money is worse than not contributing financially.

It's against culture. First I cannot attend alone I must go with my people just as you don't go and marry alone.
2. I cannot attend empty handed.. I am an inlaw there and not just a relative.

NoToPile:


He was going that line of not attending in one of his posts hence my comment, it would be quite bad for him not to attend, he shouldn't say because he can't fulfil the financial rites he would stay away.

K. Sorry if I appear rude. Not intended.

Karlman:

So what exactly am I supposed to do now so as to make sure I fulfill my cultural obligation without having to jeopardize my life and peace7
Solution is what I want to hear that is why I brought up this my issue here.

If it's your dad? Will you attend?

All these nairaland stories.

Karlman:

It's against culture. First I cannot attend alone I must go with my people just as you don't go and marry alone.
2. I cannot attend empty handed.. I am an inlaw there and not just a relative.

phew!, the matter really choke op, may help find you soon, Amen

Karlman:

It's crazy but their mother have to be at her own father's burial ceremony nah...and the children have to be with her . Hope you understand now?

Maybe they are too young to stay behind.

peterian:
phew!, the matter really choke op, may help find you soon, Amen

Culture is sweet you just gets to have money to avail yourself of it's beautifulness

juman:


Maybe they are too young to stay behind.

Yeah

Karlman:

It's against culture. First I cannot attend alone I must go with my people just as you don't go and marry alone.
2. I cannot attend empty handed.. I am an inlaw there and not just a relative.

Well which one do you think is worse, not going at all or going empty handed?

that's why marriage is not on my list... pressure me not!