Edit

I know this will never happen as this is the same story he's been giving me for six years now.

This is enough reason to get the place.
You have been living apart for six years so this doesn't make any difference.If he won't visit the place,you visit where he stays and spend some time there from time to time.
He has unnecessary ego.

Your hubby is good (I assume he is, if not you would have mentioned his bad side).

Your in-laws are welcoming.

But na you just like wahala sha.

So you choose to live in your own family house, away from your husband for 6 years because you don’t want to live in his family house?

You see free house and welcoming in-laws, you wan carry money dash landlord. Can you pay the rent subsequently? Can you manage the home and kids alone OR you would also be needing a help soon. If your husband hasn’t gotten a place all these years, it is because he doesn’t want to! The big question is why. Is he planning on moving directly to his own house or he is just comfortable?

Move to his family house first and plan a future. One that involves you guys having your own space no matter how small.

Is your source of income good enough to maintain the rent? If yes, go ahead. You deserve privacy, even your husband can be liberated from family yoke

In a nutshell, your hubby is a good man, with unnecessary ego. plus you are lucky to have a good inlaws who can't talk to their son

There's a reason why the Bible says that a man shall leave his father and mother...

If I were in your shoes, i would go ahead and get a place and move into knowing and praying that my husband will come around eventually.

By the time he visits and experiences the privacy of a couple/family, he would understand better; being away from prying eyes and interference (whether innocent or not) from family and being able go create your own niche and traditions.

That is what I would do. I don't know about you and your husband.

pocohantas:
Your hubby is good (I assume he is, if not you would have mentioned his bad side).

Your in-laws are welcoming.

But na you just like wahala sha.

So you choose to live in your own family house, away from your husband for 6 years because you don’t want to live in his family house?

You see free house and welcoming in-laws, you wan carry money dash landlord. Can you pay the rent subsequently? Can you manage the home and kids alone? Or you’ll also be needing a help soon. If your husband hasn’t gotten a place all these years, it is because he doesn’t want to! The big question is why. Is he planning on moving directly to his own house or he is just comfortable.

Move to his family house first and plan a future. One that involves you guys having your own space no matter how small.

Ma, I mean no disrespect by this, but are you married? Do you have anyone living with inlaws?

Anyways, there are a lot of things I left out of my post.

No woman would feel comfortable living with inlaws for two reasons:

1. If you have good inlaws then you want to maintain that relationship at all costs. The talk and teeth fight and even good relationships can turn sore.

2. If you have bad inlaws, you will want to keep your space for your peace of mind.

It is well. I appreciate you taking the time to comment though.

[quote author=MommaD post=109437481][/quote] There's nothing wrong in you paying for the rent... But, since your husband is not in support of it; for the sake of your union, do not go ahead with it.

I advise you persuade him or make your in-laws understand in the best way possible why you guys need to move.

I really wonder what your husband is thinking staying in his family house for 6 years and not wanting to move cos of pride which is already dented to me.

Mrkumareze:
Is your source of income good enough to maintain the rent? If yes, go ahead. You deserve privacy, even your husband can be liberated from family yoke

Yeah, I run two jobs currently and I'm heavy into savings. I've already started saving next year's rent, just in case and have almost 50k saved up.

I plan on saving every month so paying the next year's rent won't stress me.

ImaIma1:
There's a reason why the Bible says that a man shall leave his father and mother...

If I were in your shoes, i would go ahead and get a place and move into knowing and praying that my husband will come around eventually.

By the time he visits and experiences the privacy of a couple/family, he would understand better; being away from prying eyes and interference (whether innocent or not) from family and being able go create your own niche and traditions.

That is what I would do. I don't know about you and your husband.

Yes, that's exactly my plan. He'll definitely come over to see his kids and ill try to pamper him into moving in, while i continue praying

MommaD:


Yeah, I run two jobs currently and I'm heavy into savings. I've already started saving next year's rent, just in case and have almost 50k saved up.

I plan on saving every month so paying the next year's rent won't stress me.

Good, go ahead.. make sure you do your best to pull your man out of the family house.. that ll change his reasoning...

MommaD:


Ma, I mean no disrespect by this, but are you married? Do you have anyone living with inlaws?

Anyways, there are a lot of things I left out of my post.

No woman would feel comfortable living with inlaws for two reasons:

1. If you have good inlaws then you want to maintain that relationship at all costs. The talk and teeth fight and even good relationships can turn sore.

2. If you have bad inlaws, you will want to keep your space for your peace of mind.

It is well. I appreciate you taking the time to comment though.

You guys have been living apart for 6 years, I reckon you have been married for about the same number of years. He is 47. Meaning you married a man in his late 30s (maybe early 40s) who was living in his family house. That is not something I would do, it is a very big red flag for me. But if at all I do marry such a man, then I should be ready to live there with him.

The problem I see here is not even him agreeing to join you. The problem is, you married a kept man. He might join you, but I need you to know you’ll shoulder the majority of the household bills. I am sure you know this, you probably do not care now because you want you all together as a family. You’ll get that hopefully, but prepare for the second round of wahala.

I gave you the advice that would make you live long o. Except you wan use stress finish yourself. You’re welcome, Ma.

pocohantas:


You guys have been living apart for 6 years, I reckon you have been married for about same number of years. He is 47. Meaning you married a man in his late 30s (maybe early 40s) who was living in his family house. That is not something I would do, it is a very big red flag for me. But if at all I do marry such a man, then I should be ready to live there with him.

The problem I see here is not even him agreeing to join you. The problem is, you married a kept man. He might join you, but I need you to know you’ll shoulder majority of the household bills. I am sure you know this, you probably do not care now because you want you all together as a family. You’ll get that hopefully, but prepare for the second round of wahala.

You’re welcome, Ma.

Yes, I know this, but this is no different from my current situation. At this point, two options are open to me:

- Walk away in search of a man who will shoulder the financial responsibilities 100%

- Hang in there and pray things change.

I choose the latter, not because I'm one pious woman, because trust me, I have my own bad sides, but because I don't want to have my kids for different men.

Marriage is a lot of hard work and if this is my lot to face, then I'll bear it prayerfully.

My husband is a good man who has never raised his hands on me in over eight years. He's also very gentle. So I'll just hang in there while praying (seriously) that things improve.

Mrkumareze:


Good, go ahead.. make sure you do your best to pull your man out of the family house.. that ll change his reasoning...

Thank you. Yeah, I know it will.

MommaD:


Yes, I know this, but this is no different from my current situation. At this point, two options are open to me:

- Walk away in search of a man who will shoulder the financial responsibilities 100%

- Hang in there and pray things change.

I choose the latter, not because I'm one pious woman, because trust me, I have my own bad sides, but because I don't want to have my kids for different men.

Marriage is a lot of hard work and if this is my lot to face, then I'll bear it prayerfully.

My husband is a good man who has never raised his hands on me in over eight years. He's also very gentle. So I'll just hang in there while praying (seriously) that things improve.

Sure I know there is a lot you left unsaid, I just didn’t mention it before they call me feminist, but I knew wassup from your opening post.

No, you can’t leave him for that. Not when you have said he is a good man. There are lots of kept men in Nigeria. His family knows this, that is why they are helping him to pamper you. They don’t want you to leave because you are the one covering his shame. You on your part should take advantage of this and get the best out of them too. Let them help you raise those kids you had for their son.

If you have a lot of money, I mean, a source of income that brings in steady plenty of money- then you can rent the apartment. If not, I will still advise you to join him. Don’t wear yourself out. You’ll eventually get to resent him when the burden begins to pile up.

MommaD:


Yes, that's exactly my plan. He'll definitely come over to see his kids and ill try to pamper him into moving in, while i continue praying

That should work. If it doesn't, it could mean that he never intended to move out of his parent's place.

MommaD:
I know this will never happen as this is the same story he's been giving me for six years now.

I'm frustrated. My senior uncles have told me to go ahead and get a place as they have taken enough insult (since I've been living with my mom for six years with my kids).

However, I'm somewhat scared. What if I get a place and hubby never comes over? What do I do then

Which one be senior uncles again? Marriage is an agreement between a man and his wife. Why are you consulting these senior uncles where your marriage is concerned?

You both decided to live apart when you got married.... right? So shouldn't the decision to change that be made by you and your husband?

Kobojunkie:
Which one be senior uncles again? Marriage is an agreement between a man and his wife. Why are you consulting these senior uncles where your marriage is concerned?

You both decided to live apart when you got married.... right? So shouldn't the decision to change that be made by you and your husband?

No, we never did. If anything, the church refused to wed us cos he was still living with his folks. They made him get a place because they said they've had too many issues of couples living with inlaws.

We stayed together after marriage for a year, but had to move to stay separately later on. He assured me this separation wouldn't last up to a year and we would get another place, but it's been six years and he's still refusing to move.

Kobojunkie:
Which one be senior uncles again? Marriage is an agreement between a man and his wife. Why are you consulting these senior uncles where your marriage is concerned?

You both decided to live apart when you got married.... right? So shouldn't the decision to change that be made by you and your husband?

My dad is late, so these men are serving as my fathers

Abeg is your hubby working ? Maybe that’s why he’s afraid of stepping outside.
Is he the only man with bags/major contributions in his family? He might decide to stay home.
Cus some married women in my place do join the husband in his family house as long as they’re in quality T&C. They can save up from irrelevant rents and miscellaneous and get their our properties.

That would only be if she earns high than i do but i will ensure i pay for ord o other needs in the home to balance the responsibilities.

[quote author=MommaD post=109437481][/quote]

Your fear is not even upto the shame that you are still living with your parents despite the fact that you are married

If your dear is that, your husband will not pack in with you, then your children comfort is not a priority to you

If you know that you can afford the cost of running your home without expecting much from hubby, get an apartment, if he wants he will pack in with you

Pay, then inform him and his family, if they ask you why, tell them you needed some privacy and will still keep in touch with them

If he doesn't want to follow you, leave him, probably he has no future plans than to depend on his family

MommaD:


Yes, I know this, but this is no different from my current situation. At this point, two options are open to me:

[s]- Walk away in search of a man who will shoulder the financial responsibilities 100%[/s]

- Hang in there and pray things change.

I choose the latter, not because I'm one pious woman, because trust me, I have my own bad sides, but because I don't want to have my kids for different men.

Marriage is a lot of hard work and if this is my lot to face, then I'll bear it prayerfully.

My husband is a good man who has never raised his hands on me in over eight years. He's also very gentle. So I'll just hang in there while praying (seriously) that things improve.

You are wilding with this thought o, nothing has warrant this thought so far. Leave him and find man that would shoulder bills 100%, it doesn’t come that easy.

What is his reason for not moving out for the past 6years?
Since you want to live as a family, you cannot take any decision by yourself, it has to be between you two no matter who is paying the rent.
Try and persuade him , beg him if possible so he will agree to move with you, massage his ego and make him understand you won’t use it to insult him later. In the event that you cannot massage his ego to achieve that, you should remain With your in-laws or just move out and be ready for any trouble he brings up later..

Richy4:


Though I don't understand this kind of "distant marriage" arrangement...

Lmao @ distant marriage. I have never seen anything like this o. I won’t be surprised they are in the same town.

pocohantas:


Lmao @ distant marriage. I have never seen anything like this o. I won’t be surprised they are in the same town.

I don't really know what to call it honestly...

Richy4:
The question that you have been cleverly avoiding is, If you pay for the rent, say this year, can you be able to pay for another next year without putting anyone under pressure?... That's just what I need to know..

If you pay for this year and cleverly tempt him into joining you and the rent expires next year, will there be war if he cannot afford it? will he loose the respect you have for him ?..

Though I don't understand this kind of "distant marriage" arrangement...

Cleverly avoiding? But she said she has already started saving for next year's rent.

MommaD:
No, we never did. If anything, the church refused to wed us cos he was still living with his folks. They made him get a place because they said they've had too many issues of couples living with inlaws.

We stayed together after marriage for a year, but had to move to stay separately later on. He assured me this separation wouldn't last up to a year and we would get another place, but it's been six years and he's still refusing to move.

Church too dey poke nose into husband and wife matter? O ga ooo!

What was your husband's reason for choosing to stay in his family home even after the marriage and the church forced him into getting a place? Does culture have anything to do with it?

What was his reason for moving back home after the one year period?

MommaD:


No, we never did. If anything, the church refused to wed us cos he was still living with his folks. They made him get a place because they said they've had too many issues of couples living with inlaws.

We stayed together after marriage for a year, but had to move to stay separately later on. He assured me this separation wouldn't last up to a year and we would get another place, but it's been six years and he's still refusing to move.

Haaa he rented a place because of the church and then ran back to his parent's place after a year. And it has been 6yrs now.

If you are waiting for him to agree to getting an apartment, he might never agree. You might have to make the decision on your own because (I'm sorry to say) your husband is not ready to grow up.

MommaD:
My dad is late, so these men are serving as my fathers

Well, since you mentioned church in your other response, the Christian idea of marriage defines it as an agreement strictly between a man and a woman- no third-parties allowed. Meaning even your father would have had no right to interfere as far as decisions that concern you and your husband.

The person you ought to be working on is your husband - your uncles are meant to face their own marriages and business.

MommaD:


No, we never did. If anything, the church refused to wed us cos he was still living with his folks. They made him get a place because they said they've had too many issues of couples living with inlaws.

We stayed together after marriage for a year, but had to move to stay separately later on. He assured me this separation wouldn't last up to a year and we would get another place, but it's been six years and he's still refusing to move.

Yeah churches try to make sure the couple have a place to live because there have been issues of accommodation after marriage. And it's necessary for them to do that.

These are the kind of discussions done during counselling to avoid problems with inlaws, etc. As I have said, you might need to take a decision on this own and pray that he comes around soon.

in the family house is there no space or room to lash?