Cheasystickylov:
Hello all, please all I need is your candid advice. I do not think this is the time to ask me rhetorical questions. I would have answered all those questions before the end of the epistle.
I do not sincerely if to quit my marriage or jut keep hoping that things will change in the nearest future.
I dated my wife for three years before got married in 2006. I can say without exaggeration that it has been war, except occasionally when peace will just reign for a short period of time.
Sadly I got a job in a multinational and we moved to Germany in 2014 and that just worsened everything. This made her to acquired more powers to do what ever she likes.
My wife is someone that literally fights with every single person.
During our dating, she exhibited so many of these characters. Despite all these red signs, I somehow just continued rather foolishly in the relationship hoping things will get better. This was not also helped by the pastor of our church who ensured that the relationship continued, he gave very many biblical examples including forgiving someone 7 times 77 times. I must also state that her mother was an elder in the church. So the action of the pastor is understandable.
We eventually got married, and it has been sorry tears and blood. We were able to have 3 children, and the eldest is 11 years, the youngest is 7 years.
My wife disrespects every single living thing I say, every one of them, she can insult me in public without giving a damn. I can not list all the scenario. Just to emphasize this point, her eldest brother and sisters have cautioned her many times , in my house and even when we visit them. To further emphasize, her eldest sister’s husband stop us from coming to his house because he said he can does not just bear the insults and the manner she disrespects me.
We can not have a heart to heart discussion, she is always not ready, or when we talk she just tell me to summarize, or she ignores me completely.
I have suggested counselling, however, she simply refused.
We can stay in the house for months without talking to each other, I have and still has always been the one that tries to initiate peace. Sadly most times she doesn’t even listen and walk away.
She keep male friends that I do not even have any real relationship with them, even if I try to caution her, she screams back. I have actually stopped trying to caution her, I just leave her alone with them. The latest now is a pastor who prays for her for the past 5 years, sadly the pastor and I have never had any conversation for all these years. I demanded for his number 2 years ago, she refused as usual, so I just allow her be. Of course their has been one or two case of suspected infidelity, initially when I asked she just ignored me and was even screaming. I gave her deadline of 5 days and she later cam to me to explain. Although there were still many grey areas.

The sad part is that, there is no single family member to even look into the matter
1.Her step brothers and sisters- they are not in talking terms.
2.Her mum- her mum dare not !
3.Her uncle- She is not in talking terms with any of them
4.Her Aunt-the same story, not in talking terms with them

She does not really have any close per say, and occasionally attend church online. I wish does attend a physical church, her pastor would have been the next person that might probably look into it.

Sadly she believes every one of these people including me have a problem. She feels she is right and we are all just evil people.

I am so confused and frustrated. I do not know exactly what to do.

Cheasystickylov:
Hello all, please all I need is your candid advice. I do not think this is the time to ask me rhetorical questions. I would have answered all those questions before the end of the epistle.
I do not sincerely if to quit my marriage or jut keep hoping that things will change in the nearest future.
I dated my wife for three years before got married in 2006. I can say without exaggeration that it has been war, except occasionally when peace will just reign for a short period of time.
Sadly I got a job in a multinational and we moved to Germany in 2014 and that just worsened everything. This made her to acquired more powers to do what ever she likes.
My wife is someone that literally fights with every single person.
During our dating, she exhibited so many of these characters. Despite all these red signs, I somehow just continued rather foolishly in the relationship hoping things will get better. This was not also helped by the pastor of our church who ensured that the relationship continued, he gave very many biblical examples including forgiving someone 7 times 77 times. I must also state that her mother was an elder in the church. So the action of the pastor is understandable.
We eventually got married, and it has been sorry tears and blood. We were able to have 3 children, and the eldest is 11 years, the youngest is 7 years.
My wife disrespects every single living thing I say, every one of them, she can insult me in public without giving a damn. I can not list all the scenario. Just to emphasize this point, her eldest brother and sisters have cautioned her many times , in my house and even when we visit them. To further emphasize, her eldest sister’s husband stop us from coming to his house because he said he can does not just bear the insults and the manner she disrespects me.
We can not have a heart to heart discussion, she is always not ready, or when we talk she just tell me to summarize, or she ignores me completely.
I have suggested counselling, however, she simply refused.
We can stay in the house for months without talking to each other, I have and still has always been the one that tries to initiate peace. Sadly most times she doesn’t even listen and walk away.
She keep male friends that I do not even have any real relationship with them, even if I try to caution her, she screams back. I have actually stopped trying to caution her, I just leave her alone with them. The latest now is a pastor who prays for her for the past 5 years, sadly the pastor and I have never had any conversation for all these years. I demanded for his number 2 years ago, she refused as usual, so I just allow her be. Of course their has been one or two case of suspected infidelity, initially when I asked she just ignored me and was even screaming. I gave her deadline of 5 days and she later cam to me to explain. Although there were still many grey areas.

The sad part is that, there is no single family member to even look into the matter
1.Her step brothers and sisters- they are not in talking terms.
2.Her mum- her mum dare not !
3.Her uncle- She is not in talking terms with any of them
4.Her Aunt-the same story, not in talking terms with them

She does not really have any close per say, and occasionally attend church online. I wish does attend a physical church, her pastor would have been the next person that might probably look into it.

Sadly she believes every one of these people including me have a problem. She feels she is right and we are all just evil people.

I am so confused and frustrated. I do not know exactly what to do.

lympy:
Hmmm. I hope you would listen without bias. First you need to be a MAN. Grow or develop thick skin. If you were in Nigeria I would advise you to closely monitor her and the day she is aggressive to you, give her the beating of her life. I mean as you would a baby. Not violently to injure. I mean proper slaps a wip etc. As it isn't, find an alternative accomodation for a couple of months, meet only to the basic needs of the family particularly the kids. Do not bother to call them except they call demanding finances. After a short period, begin to post of channels where she has access like WhatsApp to show the good life you are having free from toxicity. If she runs to anyone to help talk to you, let them Kno how determined you are to have a good life free from toxicity. At first she will form strong woman. Keep your tough skin. She knows you are weak that's why you sue for peace. Begin to have your own female pastor that will pray for you. Etc. She will beg but that doesn't mean she has changed. So when you eventually sit to discuss, you offer your new terms and conditions for the marriage signed by her. You can even go to the extent of getting a divorce lawyer to contact her after a few months all to shake her. Good luck

milliondollas:
I BELIEVE YOU DONT HAVE BRAIN

I believe he asked for advice and not insult and disrespect

Klass99:


Mercychen

I am smiling and smh, how did you arrive at this conclusion?

Nothing in his narrative suggests he forced her into marriage, rather it seems like he was subtly pressured by their church pastor and he made a bad judgment call, by marrying her in spite of the red flags.

gaby:
I pity you and the products of this union (the kids).

This was a union that wasn't supposed to be. You forced it and the repercussions of doing or having things your way is what you are reaping right now.

The signs are always there and that still voice always speaks to us but we are quick to ignore or shut it out while believing in our understanding.

I've been in a marriage more toxic than this.

I jejely pick the few clothes and shoes wey my bag fit contain, abandon everything else and thank God no kids were involved.

I took off for my life without looking back. She look for me tire na. She still dey trail me for nairaland here I know but na she go tire.

The best decision I ever made in my life was abandoning the curse of a marriage and saving my head.

Oga, no be by force to marry or remain married.

Save your head and mind.

dopeonlove:
I read your story , I shake head. I hope she no get bipolar ? I was very happy when I got to the part you wrote, all the red flags were there during your courtship but you foolishly went ahead to marry her . So you brought sorrow , tears and sadness to your self, thinking that things would change. I don't know how old your wife is , but I know that things ( lifestyle) that did not change over 30 years of her existence would not change now .

Anyways, I don't have much to say but to thank God for my life. My relationship of over a year now has been a very turbulent one from the very first day till date and I once believed things would change, but my brother , things are just getting worst and I am planning to go ahead with the marriage. However, Something very strange happened by she, taking her madness to my family and every one was stunned !

Imagine your wife telling you and your family she can't bear your surname and you should bear hers ?? Baba , it was a narrow escape and really thank God almighty for coming to my rescue. Now reading this your story even makes me feel I am on the right track not to regret my actions very soon .

My advice for you right now is to try as much as possible to stay away from reporting her to her family of any kind , pastors and councillors ( as it has not been working but only makes her more angry ) . Always try to make your wife happy . Be the first to apologize. Put in more effort to be a gentle , sweet , romantic, caring and loving husband . Go with her love languages, just maybe, she may see a reason to love you again. The reason for this is because the old ways ain't working so you need a change of approach to save your marriage. Lastly, put her in prayers! Good luck in your future endeavours.

dopeonlove:

My advice for you right now is to try as much as possible to stay away from reporting her to her family of any kind , pastors and councillors ( as it has not been working but only makes her more angry ) . Always try to make your wife happy . Be the first to apologize. Put in more effort to be a gentle , sweet , romantic, caring and loving husband . Go with her love languages, just maybe, she may see a reason to love you again. The reason for this is because the old ways ain't working so you need a change of approach to save your marriage. Lastly, put her in prayers! Good luck in your future endeavours.

SimeonOTC:


you don't deserve to be called a MAN

the nonsense you wrote up there will serve as a catalyst to the menace of a wife to up her ways.