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Not The Marriage I Had In Mind - Family (2) - Nairaland

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I Love My Wife & My Kid, But I Want To Leave The Marriage. Help! / The Marriage List Given To A Man In Akwa Ibom State / 1 Year After Marriage, I Am Already Tired (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by haggai247: 9:52pm On May 21, 2022
Augustwife:
I had to open a new moniker so I can rant in peace. My head is full, so it's going to be a long post .
I got married to the love of my life 2017 (we started dating 2009) and we have two wonderful children. He loves me (I know for sure), doesn't cheat too and my in-laws are the most wonderful people on earth ( my mil especially). We have a joint business but the bad part :he is addicted to alcohol. He wasn't like this before we got married, he used to drink occasionally so I can't really tell how we got here. It's so bad that he can't go a day without it. Once he can't lay his hands on alcohol he will begin to shiver like a malaria patient. This addiction has gotten us into debts that I had to pay with my savings on several occasions. I'm talking of debts of 120k, 167k, 136k e.t.c. He's takes several loans from loan sharks , drinks like no tomorrow. He has wrecked ourbbusiness and only with the help of God was I able to rebuild It by taking loans and paying back. We even decided he gets a job so he can be more responsible but after working for a year he had nothing to show for it. Twice his parents had to take him to a therapist but it was all in vain as he would go back to drinking.
My head is scattered,I can't think straight, it's making me hate him. I tried leaving a few weeks ago , I went back to my mother's house but trust my mama, she begged me to go back and my mother in-law too. I don't even know what to do, my mental life is zero, I have withdrawn from everyone, I'm practically in poverty due to this addiction
He is a wonderful man BUT this addiction is a very big problem. We have prayed, fasted, gone to doctors but it's still there. I don't know what to do .
Find all the consequences of alcohol print it and place it around your house Let him see the consequences of his actions on those who he loves...
The shame on his family.
What will happen to his kids if alcohol kills him
What would happen to you his wife.
How his not being at home will affect his relationship with you his kids your family and his health.
Addiction and those who are addicted need just one important thing they hold in high esteem that could bring them to realize the danger of their habits.
Find what your husband hold in high esteem and tell him he will lose it if r does not fix himself.

But never give an addict a timeline they will hide and deny to gain your trust and respect.

Good luck

2 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by frozen70(f): 9:54pm On May 21, 2022
JovialJune:



He is abusing their finances and her mental health.

I agree, but both families are making efforts to bring his senses back

But am glad he loves her even before the issue came up

She can still give him time
But taking him to a rehab will make a difference
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Klass99(f): 10:06pm On May 21, 2022
cool

3 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by JovialJune(f): 10:10pm On May 21, 2022
frozen70:


I agree, but both families are making efforts to bring his senses back

But am glad he loves her even before the issue came up

She can still give him time
But taking him to a rehab will make a difference


If the husband truly loves her, he wouldn't put them in debt, whether he loved her before doesn't matter, we are talking of what is happening right now, because Op confirmed he is drunk at this moment

An addict can only be helped if they are determined and willing to help themselves, no matter what the Op tries to do to help him, it won't work if he is not willing to help himself.

9 Likes 1 Share

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by JovialJune(f): 10:30pm On May 21, 2022
Klass99:


Did you not take that vow too? Where did it originate from abeg? Like you, I honestly think it causes more harm than good, too.

Couples who intend to marry should be allowed to make their own vows or decide what constitutes "for better, for worse" by themselves, instead of repeating vows made by someone else.

In sickness and health - yes. Because no one intentionally decides to be in poor health. But you see that "for better, for worse" ehn, people deliberately use it as an excuse to behave badly or continue bad behaviour, while expecting their spouses to still put up with them.

For worse should be clearly defined and limited to things like;
1. Sickness from natural causes, not willful or deliberate causes of self sabotage like use of drugs, alcohol etc.
2. Loss of employment, through no fault of a spouse.

For worse should NOT include things like;
1. Serial/continuous cheating
2. Infecting a spouse with an STD
3. Chronic slothfulness and laziness
4. Or any of the deadly sins which indeed becomes detrimental or deadly to a spouse.

But what do I know, I am just thinking out loud cheesy



You are saying the gospel not just thinking out loud

You see the first bolded, after the wedding, I and hubby discussed of red lines that must never be crossed in our marriage, that the oath are mere words of mouth and ends there

The second bolded, Op's husband falls in the category of
5) Any form of addiction detrimental to the family's financial progress and sanity(you forgot to add this one) cheesy

There are some things one cannot cope as a spouse in marriage, and truly the "for better for worse" oath doesn't cover it.

3 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by DontBullshitMe: 10:33pm On May 21, 2022
What's life without alcohol !?

GTFOH.
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by KOD123: 10:34pm On May 21, 2022
When people say they have prayed they have fasted I usually wonder what exactly they mean... OK you did 7days abi na 40 days fasting and prayers and you feel the problem would just go like that... Tor its not your fault its what preachers yaff turn God too your favourite ATM machine just go type pin prayer, fasting and bam your answer....

The Mathew 7:7 you always quote try read different version of it you would understand... The amplified version says ask and KEEEP asking till you get your answer not hit and run that you do....


Also are you looking for who would tell you abi help you justify leaving that man, when you stood before God and they ask you for better for worse and you shout "I DO" ogbeni this is the time to now did oo abi na do...

Stop encouraging his excesses stop paying his debts for him if they like let them drag him by his boxers abeg throway face... If they arrest him be supportive by going to carry food for his visits but dont bail him out... You keep being a mommy figure for him that's why he keeps misbehaving let him shame all of you stop covering for him... When he ruins himself then he would come back to himself... The prodigal son needed to come back to himself to be able to come home... Just try as much as possible keep Praying and fasting also cover yourself well so he doesn't you leave you and your kids stranded

12 Likes 1 Share

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Hartugrin27(m): 10:37pm On May 21, 2022
Augustwife:
I had to open a new moniker so I can rant in peace. My head is full, so it's going to be a long post .
I got married to the love of my life 2017 (we started dating 2009) and we have two wonderful children. He loves me (I know for sure), doesn't cheat too and my in-laws are the most wonderful people on earth ( my mil especially). We have a joint business but the bad part :he is addicted to alcohol. He wasn't like this before we got married, he used to drink occasionally so I can't really tell how we got here. It's so bad that he can't go a day without it. Once he can't lay his hands on alcohol he will begin to shiver like a malaria patient. This addiction has gotten us into debts that I had to pay with my savings on several occasions. I'm talking of debts of 120k, 167k, 136k e.t.c. He's takes several loans from loan sharks , drinks like no tomorrow. He has wrecked ourbbusiness and only with the help of God was I able to rebuild It by taking loans and paying back. We even decided he gets a job so he can be more responsible but after working for a year he had nothing to show for it. Twice his parents had to take him to a therapist but it was all in vain as he would go back to drinking.
My head is scattered,I can't think straight, it's making me hate him. I tried leaving a few weeks ago , I went back to my mother's house but trust my mama, she begged me to go back and my mother in-law too. I don't even know what to do, my mental life is zero, I have withdrawn from everyone, I'm practically in poverty due to this addiction
He is a wonderful man BUT this addiction is a very big problem. We have prayed, fasted, gone to doctors but it's still there. I don't know what to do .

Lemme gv u a spell
It's called toilet spell..
I'll post it if only u comment
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by GloriousGbola: 11:10pm On May 21, 2022
Kobojunkie:
Your husband has an addiction problem and you have to have him checked into rehab so he can get treatment he needs for his addiction? undecided

No amount of starvation-dieting, what you all call fasting, will fix your husband or your marriage. Alcohol addiction is a behavioral problem which indicates a mental illness so send him to get treatment for what ails him while you work towards getting your own mental healed. undecided

this is NIGERIA.

there are zero facilities for rehabilitation of addiction
the best that we have is people running to religious figures for prayers
in the end, only the man can sort his addition - if he has one of those hail mary type moments when he is forced to see what he is becoming
even worse - to cure a bad habit - you are advised to modify your environment.

once i decided to stop nairaland - and i blocked it with hosts file etc.

how do you block out alcohol which is for sale everywhere and on every billboard?

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by elmagnifico411(m): 11:57pm On May 21, 2022
He was formerly drinking occasionally and there was no problem (many men drink occasionally too carry out their responsibilities) . Now he cannot go a day without drinking, to point of accruing debts; this no be clear eye! Na spiritual something! How u wanna go about it now is what I Don't know, but clearly, it's for a spiritual undertone. May God see u through
Augustwife:
I had to open a new moniker so I can rant in peace. My head is full, so it's going to be a long post .
I got married to the love of my life 2017 (we started dating 2009) and we have two wonderful children. He loves me (I know for sure), doesn't cheat too and my in-laws are the most wonderful people on earth ( my mil especially). We have a joint business but the bad part :he is addicted to alcohol. He wasn't like this before we got married, he used to drink occasionally so I can't really tell how we got here. It's so bad that he can't go a day without it. Once he can't lay his hands on alcohol he will begin to shiver like a malaria patient. This addiction has gotten us into debts that I had to pay with my savings on several occasions. I'm talking of debts of 120k, 167k, 136k e.t.c. He's takes several loans from loan sharks , drinks like no tomorrow. He has wrecked ourbbusiness and only with the help of God was I able to rebuild It by taking loans and paying back. We even decided he gets a job so he can be more responsible but after working for a year he had nothing to show for it. Twice his parents had to take him to a therapist but it was all in vain as he would go back to drinking.
My head is scattered,I can't think straight, it's making me hate him. I tried leaving a few weeks ago , I went back to my mother's house but trust my mama, she begged me to go back and my mother in-law too. I don't even know what to do, my mental life is zero, I have withdrawn from everyone, I'm practically in poverty due to this addiction
He is a wonderful man BUT this addiction is a very big problem. We have prayed, fasted, gone to doctors but it's still there. I don't know what to do .

1 Like

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by socialmediaman: 3:16am On May 22, 2022
OP @ AugustWife is this your husband?

https://www.nairaland.com/6935793/re-how-used-hand-bury

Just wondering

1 Like

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by baby124: 3:33am On May 22, 2022
It’s a mental issue if it’s to this extent. He needs to be admitted into a facility for months so that he can slowly be weaned off the Alcohol. Otherwise he will keep drinking. He’s so far gone into Alcohol that they cannot stop him suddenly, he could die if you try that. They will have to slowly wean him off in a controlled environment. You are not a medical professional so you cannot handle a situation where he’s in withdrawal and you are at home, alone with him and kids. He can harm you to get his drug, alcohol is his drug. His condition is really bad and I think you should go with him to Ari yourself. It’s possible the family is doing everything not to get him admitted, while making him your problem.

If he refuses to be admitted, drop him at their house and you will see that they will quickly get him admitted. I am sure he had this problem before marriage but they kept it hidden very well. Only to marry him off and keep their problem with you. If you don’t want to die in penury and mental issues, get him admitted now. Let him stay there for 3-6months. He doesn’t have any job anyway.

7 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by frozen70(f): 6:27am On May 22, 2022
JovialJune:



If the husband truly loves her, he wouldn't put them in debt, whether he loved her before doesn't matter, we are talking of what is happening right now, because Op confirmed he is drunk at this moment

An addict can only be helped if they are determined and willing to help themselves, no matter what the Op tries to do to help him, it won't work if he is not willing to help himself.

Is alright
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by eyinjuege: 6:33am On May 22, 2022
Addictions are one of the hardest things to live with.
Cut him lose and leave now before it becomes too late for you.
He will just keep dragging you u and the children down.
I don't think they should especially be seeing their dad continously drunk and see him behaving so irresponsibly.
He chose alcohol over his family, as that's what's most important to him
You can't help him, and I doubt Drs can.
The change has to come from within.
If an addiction isn't impacting on the family negatively, perhaps I can ask you to bear with him
While at it, separate your finances and businesses, otherwise be really ready for total financial ruin.
You have kids, put them first in everything.

2 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Desperados(m): 6:46am On May 22, 2022
FERNANDEZISBACK:
You better file a divorce for your sanity..if he's hell bent then dish him in the waste bin before he ruin your life completely..
Do that asap and stop managing yourself cos of some nonsense love you have for him..that guy is gonna wreck you and your future with his addiction..

You are better off single than being with a futureles boozer..

Why does the only advice you give on any marriage issue centers around divorce only.


People come here to seek advice and solution for a shaky marriage not to seperate it.

2 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by FERNANDEZISBACK: 6:47am On May 22, 2022
Desperados:


Why does the only advice you give on any marriage issue centers around divorce only.


People come here to seek advice and solution for a shaky marriage not to seperate it.
You can't get a solution for a shattered marriage..

1 Like

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Channah1(f): 6:58am On May 22, 2022
Let no one deceive you. Drunks don't drop their drinking habits. In facts that is what usually kill them. So don't let anyone tell you he'll change, he won't!

You either leave or learn to live with it and prepare for what may likely come out of it ( ailment). Talking from what I've seen happen live.

1 Like

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Desperados(m): 7:03am On May 22, 2022
FERNANDEZISBACK:

You can't get a solution for a shattered marriage..

FERNANDEZISBACK, that doesn't mean you should always try to help them scatter it. Let them do that themselves.


Every marriage has their troublesome, shaky & tough times. Some survive it and becom straight again while others just end it.


Just giv ur own tip advice and let them do the rest.






Thank God say marriage nor be for me normally, i nor get strength to complain sef.
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by FERNANDEZISBACK: 7:04am On May 22, 2022
Desperados:


FERNANDEZISBACK, that doesn't mean you should always try to help them scatter it. Let them do that themselves.


Every marriage has their troublesome, shaky & tough times. Some survive it and becom straight again while others just end it.


Just giv ur own tip advice and let them do the rest.






Thank God say marriage nor be for me normally, i nor get strength to complain sef.
Ok papi.. grin
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Augustwife: 8:29am On May 22, 2022
Aaaaarghmed:
sometimes this issue might be spiritual.i had a cousin,na serial drunkard,use school fees for Uniben drink sotey he dropout.na God help am las las.
Please do you know what steps were taken to make him stop
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by zed7: 8:44am On May 22, 2022
Wow, first time I'm hearing of a Nigerian man being alcohol dependent. The average African man knows how to handle his drinks.
Anyway, if the story is true, fasting and praying wouldn't stop it. Your husband needs to go to rehab.

1 Like

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by ogawisdom(m): 9:14am On May 22, 2022
Augustwife:
I had to open a new moniker so I can rant in peace. My head is full, so it's going to be a long post .
I got married to the love of my life 2017 (we started dating 2009) and we have two wonderful children. He loves me (I know for sure), doesn't cheat too and my in-laws are the most wonderful people on earth ( my mil especially). We have a joint business but the bad part :he is addicted to alcohol. He wasn't like this before we got married, he used to drink occasionally so I can't really tell how we got here. It's so bad that he can't go a day without it. Once he can't lay his hands on alcohol he will begin to shiver like a malaria patient. This addiction has gotten us into debts that I had to pay with my savings on several occasions. I'm talking of debts of 120k, 167k, 136k e.t.c. He's takes several loans from loan sharks , drinks like no tomorrow. He has wrecked ourbbusiness and only with the help of God was I able to rebuild It by taking loans and paying back. We even decided he gets a job so he can be more responsible but after working for a year he had nothing to show for it. Twice his parents had to take him to a therapist but it was all in vain as he would go back to drinking.
My head is scattered,I can't think straight, it's making me hate him. I tried leaving a few weeks ago , I went back to my mother's house but trust my mama, she begged me to go back and my mother in-law too. I don't even know what to do, my mental life is zero, I have withdrawn from everyone, I'm practically in poverty due to this addiction
He is a wonderful man BUT this addiction is a very big problem. We have prayed, fasted, gone to doctors but it's still there. I don't know what to do .


Alcohol is very expensive now except he takes Kai Kai it is a huge financial liability.

Alcohol everyday? He should be worried about his liver, kidney n HBP, his future health is at stake.

Love is not enough he needs self control, discipline. Alcohol once a week is fair not daily.
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by ibechris(m): 9:18am On May 22, 2022
Madam,let me tell u something about men who drink alcohol uncontrollably.

Some were jazzed and some are actually addicts

But u see some of those women selling alcohol at various junctions, makeshift shelters, bars and name it. I remember I said "some",are using jazz or what I call juju.

U will bring all u your salary to them and go into debt just for them alone.
It happened to someone I know,but in the end,the guy died from poison...and he was the only son and only child of his mum.

U have to do something seriously.

1 Like

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by ibechris(m): 9:24am On May 22, 2022
Desperados:


Why does the only advice you give on any marriage issue centers around divorce only.


People come here to seek advice and solution for a shaky marriage not to seperate it.



Because the guy has no love for family hence his decision to remain single and hopeless.

What else do we expect from a man who has no joy in him.

2 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by komek(m): 10:08am On May 22, 2022
Shut up my friend.

This is the best that can come from your brain?

Just shut up
FERNANDEZISBACK:
You better file a divorce for your sanity..if he's hell bent then dish him in the waste bin before he ruin your life completely..
Do that asap and stop managing yourself cos of some nonsense love you have for him..that guy is gonna wreck you and your future with his addiction..

You are better off single than being with a futureles boozer..

2 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by FERNANDEZISBACK: 10:09am On May 22, 2022
komek:
Shut up my friend.

This is the best that can come from your brain?

Just shut up
Not here to please anybody.. grin

1 Like

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by madprophet(m): 10:15am On May 22, 2022
Augustwife:
I had to open a new moniker so I can rant in peace. My head is full, so it's going to be a long post .
I got married to the love of my life 2017 (we started dating 2009) and we have two wonderful children. He loves me (I know for sure), doesn't cheat too and my in-laws are the most wonderful people on earth ( my mil especially). We have a joint business but the bad part :he is addicted to alcohol. He wasn't like this before we got married, he used to drink occasionally so I can't really tell how we got here. It's so bad that he can't go a day without it. Once he can't lay his hands on alcohol he will begin to shiver like a malaria patient. This addiction has gotten us into debts that I had to pay with my savings on several occasions. I'm talking of debts of 120k, 167k, 136k e.t.c. He's takes several loans from loan sharks , drinks like no tomorrow. He has wrecked ourbbusiness and only with the help of God was I able to rebuild It by taking loans and paying back. We even decided he gets a job so he can be more responsible but after working for a year he had nothing to show for it. Twice his parents had to take him to a therapist but it was all in vain as he would go back to drinking.
My head is scattered,I can't think straight, it's making me hate him. I tried leaving a few weeks ago , I went back to my mother's house but trust my mama, she begged me to go back and my mother in-law too. I don't even know what to do, my mental life is zero, I have withdrawn from everyone, I'm practically in poverty due to this addiction
He is a wonderful man BUT this addiction is a very big problem. We have prayed, fasted, gone to doctors but it's still there. I don't know what to do .

Take him to prayer city...

Let him do deliverance back to back.. for 2 weeks.

If possible make it the time there is weekend deliverance , so he would participate in 3 sessions.

It's an affiliction and a bewitchment.

It's q spiritual issue.. stop using physical solutions to it.. ask him the kind of dreams he has...

Go to prayer city and you would share testimony

2 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Mindlog: 11:10am On May 22, 2022
zed7:
Wow, first time I'm hearing of a Nigerian man being alcohol dependent. The average African man knows how to handle his drinks.
Anyway, if the story is true, fasting and praying wouldn't stop it. Your husband needs to go to rehab.

Growing up, you never saw men who were drunks? shocked

It seems you have never visited rehabilitation centres in psychiatric facilities in Nigeria and in some African countries, to see the reality on ground or even stand alone rehabilitation centres.

3 Likes

Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by bolseas(f): 11:21am On May 22, 2022
Sorry about your predicament, OP. May God see you through.

Try and arrange with your family dr. That his liver has failed and his kidney too... that is BP is too high..blablabla.. thos worked on a chronic cigarette smoker.. she was told her lungs are failing that she will soon die...
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by ManAustin(m): 11:21am On May 22, 2022
You can just give him space, get seperated from him for sometime, let him come back home to no one. Sometimes such measures makes such kind of persons regain their senses, it will be for them a period of retrospecting, agonizing and informed decision making. I won't advised that you divorce outrightly but just seperate yourself from him for a while .
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by oluwaseyi0: 11:27am On May 22, 2022
@ Augustwife

Don't listen to advise of leaving your husband in his time of trial, leaving him won't solve the problem rather it will make it look like you are the problem

My Proposed solution

Firstly take full control of the family finances, if he's doing salary job, fight to have access to the account

Ensure he only have access to want he need, food in his belly and good cloth to wear ... that's all, no extra money for him and even from his pay

With his family support cut him off from his co-drinker if any exist

He should visit a psychiatrist and read books on conquering addiction

Don't mind the feminists yelling you should abandon your marriage, it gives them joy to see marriage fail even good marriages
Re: Not The Marriage I Had In Mind by Kobojunkie: 1:07pm On May 22, 2022
Augustwife:

Please do you know what steps were taken to make him stop
Why do you give ear to the lie that what is happening to your husband has spiritual roots?, undecided

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