We have been together for over 16 years, with four kids. but little things always cause quarrel between us like we just started dating some months back.

Like I stated on several post and thread here on nairaland. The red flag has always been there when we started dating, but I was doing lover boy and nice guy.

I don't even know where to start from, but I will just type.
Just last week Friday, I got home and my daughter told me that she wants to go give my wife her phone that my in-law ( my sisters husband) was calling her. So I waited for her to tell me the reason for the call, but she didn't.

The next day I decided to ask her during a normal discussion, only for her to reply by asking me "why are my asking her? Then I told her it's just a simple question na

In her words, she replied again 'as in why you dey ask me that kind question' at that point I paused and walked away just to avoid escalation. And since that day we haven't talk to each other. I got home today only for her to be talking to herself saying different things just to piss me off, at that point I felt like picking up Cain and flog her.

Note: she's in the habit of answering question by asking you silly question in return. And she's ready to keep malice with me for as long as possible.

*If I tell the kids to do something she will in some cases tell them to do otherwise.

*there was a day she went to the market to buy goods for her, I got to the shop and ask her what and what did she buy only for her to tell me if I don't have eyes to see

* whenever I buy something for her, as soon as I give her that thng, she will tell me to drop it on the table.

*since I opened that shop for her, she has become bossy. Yes I remember I told her one day when she was disturbing me, begging me to talk to my family to help raise more money for the shop.
I told her not that when the shop picks up I won't be able to talk to you again, I said that cause I know the kind of person she is.

Not to talk of the kind of conversion I have seen several times she has with other men.

I have tried my possible best to make her happy, I needed to. But it obvious I can never satisfy her.

I cannot count how many people that has settle several quarrel between us, at times I will just sit down and wonder what's really going on
I didn't want to say somethings here, cause
Some people will doubt if a normal human being can just act like that.

At this point, am fed up. And I have decided to move out, cause I know she will do more, worse than all this. Once am boxed up am out!

Your sanity matters. She is seriously undermining you and thinks she did you a favour by marrying you.

Ignore her and stop being nice to her. Some damaged people consider niceness as weakness.

Don't move out to anywhere stand and take charge of your home.

otipoju:
Your sanity matters. She is seriously undermining you and thinks she did you a favour by marrying you.

Ignore her and stop being nice to her. Some damaged people consider niceness as weakness.

Don't move out to anywhere stand and take charge of your home.

Seriously am tired!

Marriage is sweet. Enjoy the sweetness.



Next.

Didi2d:


Seriously am tired!

Some people are not marriage material.......i dont know wht some women enjoy in malice keeping with the only person you have...

Oga Walk away for a while while..for your sanity......atleast u don give am shop so she no need you again....na her behavior be that


Small separation dey help relationship sometimes....if after that u are better and happy apart ....oga....enjoy your happiness

Hit the wall instead...jokes..

I empathize with you on your ordeal and can understand how helpless, frustrated, and hurt it makes you because I have been there.

I won't blame you for settling with her even when you had seen some of these red flags in your earlier days because you are only human as I am too and susceptible to the error of judgements.

We often get so blinded by infatuation disguised as love to forget to remember that "fish wey dem don bend come dry am no dey let straighten again or else e go break in two".

The best way you can navigate this if after trying to make her see reasons to make a change in her attitude and to accord you some respect is to give her the silent treatment.

This won't be the best thing to do though considering how it would affect the kids. But heck, the constant disrespect and insults are already being witnessed by the kids and trust me, they'd, later on, pick up on it.

A separation won't be out of order if all entreaties fail to make her change in her attitude and I fully endorse this for anyone going through these sorts of mental, emotional, or physical abuses.

It is in the best of everyone's interest including the kids to just take a walk, clear up your head and mind, and if possible, start anew.

It is never a crime to start afresh, it is even better because you aren't really starting from the ground no more but from experience.

I pray you to make the right and best decisions for yourself and everyone else this might rub off on.

Good luck, mate.

She might have cast a spell on you and thinking she can control you. Your situation just points towards that direction

Didi2d:


Seriously am tired!

You need to steel your mind and change your habits. You are putting her first before your own needs and she will continue to see you as less of a man.

She knows what she is doing and will drain the life out of you if you don't man up. She has more to loose.

Stop playing with her and asking unnecessary question and telling her unnecessary stuff. Totally ignore her and stop going on errands for her.

Please.

She doesn't love u.

advanceDNA:


Some people are not marriage material.......i dont know wht some women enjoy in malice keeping with the only person you have...

Oga Walk away for a while while..for your sanity......atleast u don give am shop so she no need you again....na her behavior be that


Small separation dey help relationship sometimes....if after that u are better and happy apart ....oga....enjoy your happiness

Lol..
You have said it all, she don get shop

gaby:
Hit the wall instead...jokes..

I empathize with you on your ordeal and can understand how helpless, frustrated, and hurt it makes you because I have been there.

I won't blame you for settling with her even when you had seen some of these red flags in your earlier days because you are only human as I am too and susceptible to the error of judgements.

We often get so blinded by infatuation disguised as love to forget to remember that "fish wey dem don bend come dry am no dey let straighten again or else e go break in two".

The best way you can navigate this if after trying to make her see reasons to make a change in her attitude and to accord you some respect is to give her the silent treatment.

This won't be the best thing to do though considering how it would affect the kids. But heck, the constant disrespect and insults are already being witnessed by the kids and trust me, they'd, later on, pick up on it.

A separation won't be out of order if all entreaties fail to make her change in her attitude and I fully endorse this for anyone going through these sorts of mental, emotional, or physical abuses.

It is in the best of everyone's interest including the kids to just take a walk, clear up your head and mind, and if possible, start anew.

It is never a crime to start afresh, it is even better because you aren't really starting from the ground no more but from experience.

I pray you to make the right and best decisions for yourself and everyone else this might rub off on.

Good luck, mate.

God bless you

Didi2d:


God bless you

Bless you more.

Didi2d:


Lol..
You have said it all, she don get shop

Na thats why some men no dey want make they like marry woman wey dey work or woman wey dey financially independnt ....

In my opinion,16 years is enough to know your woman except maybe the shock absorber is wearing thin ...Based on what you have narrated here, You failed on the compatibility test during courtship.. However, some of us like them witty and sarcastic...No dull moment..

So what do you intend to do to your shock absorber without destroying anything?...bearing in mind that violence and physical abuse is not the best solution to resolve things.. Maybe, 40days I don't care implementation program might help in your marriage.

Why not you start ignoring her partially, stop buying her things, stop forcing yourself on her, be mature and focused on your children, that is if you are the one funding for the family..

Now i see why rich men have their separate room, is not they don't love their spouse, but to aviod unnecessary drama, if she need sex, she can come over to his room, and if she did not show concern about sex, he has right to go out and satisfy himself.....

Stop being inquisitive, men don't talk too much, any problem that came out from any decision she took without informing you should be sort out by herself......

Lack of grit is your problem. If you were to be gritty, she would have either become a changed person, at least to your taste given that women are easily malleable, or pleaded to you to allow her leave the marriage alive a longtime ago.

Servility is as bad as unjust cruelty; neither condone them nor mete them out to others.

Just cruelty will still do the magic at this juncture, and it requires grit.

I got home and my daughter told me that she wants to go give my wife her phone that my in-law ( my sisters husband) was calling her. So I waited for her to tell me the reason for the call, but she didn't.

You talk too much or too nosey.
Learn to face your front. 16yrs is a lot of time, so I don’t know why you two are quarrelling like minors.

Why would you ask your partner the subject of discussion with a “loved one”? At best you ask how that person is. They would say fine or not fine. If your partner decides to elaborate - good for you.

Two of una get am for body.

---

By the way, I had to go read your former threads. E be like the woman pity you, come marry you. She feels she did you the favour. She won’t change o. Except by a miracle.

You see that MALICE? I fear anybody that can keep malice. Very wicked and unforgiving set of humans. Tufiakwa!!

Didi2d:


Seriously am tired!

16 long years and unfortunately, your marriage has not yet established a healthy conflict resolution management.

From your writeup your families have been involved but nothing much has been achieved.
I will encourage you and your wife to seek the involvement of a professional marriage therapist (not religious leaders). A marriage therapist should not have any vested interest nor been seen to side any of you but help bring issues to the fore.

Through effective sessions, you both should be able to realize whether there is need to rebuild your marriage or you both part ways.

Mindlog:




Through effective sessions, you both should be able to realize whether there is need to rebuild your marriage or you both part ways.

pocohantas:

The core purpose of marriage therapy sessions is to help achieve clarity, to either work on the marriage or walk away with less acrimony....at least I still remember that from our first lecture in PSY406-Marriage and Family Therapy class.

If dem born pikin and decide to part ways, working out co-parenting that would benefit their kid(s) would be the next logical step.

Mindlog:


The core purpose of marriage therapy sessions is to help achieve clarity, to either work on the marriage or walk away with less acrimony....at least I still remember that from our first lecture in PSY406-Marriage and Family Therapy class.

If dem born pikin and decide to part ways, working out co-parenting that would benefit their kid(s) would be the next logical step.

You are right. I didn’t even think of it this way. Sucks to be with a malice-keeping person, let alone spouse. Dude might run mad living with her, except he gets a side-chic.

Didi2d:
I have tried my possible best to make her happy, I needed to. But it obvious I can never satisfy her.

I cannot count how many people that has settle several quarrel between us, at times I will just sit down and wonder what's really going on
I didn't want to say somethings here, cause
Some people will doubt if a normal human being can just act like that.

At this point, am fed up. And I have decided to move out, cause I know she will do more, worse than all this. Once am boxed up am out!

Ok. Next!

You saw all the red flags in courtship and you went ahead to marry her. You were full time bread winner and she was full time housewife.

She does not respect you. She does not love you. You cannot even ask her a simple question without receiving nasty altitudes.

You have 4 kids together, but if you ask your kids to do something, she challenges your authority. You have put up with this for 16 years!

Oga, marriage is not by force. If marriage cannot make you happy, it's better you are single. See, that woman will not change. You deserve a better and peaceful life. There are still many good women out there that will do you better. Life is short to be endured with an undeserving partner.

I have witnessed this type of marriage before where the woman only married the man out of pity, with no elements of love or feelings involved. The man suffered in the marriage for close to 10years until the woman brought in another man. That was when the man left the marriage and seeked for divorce. The affected man married another woman 2 years later and has been happier since.

That person you call wife hates you with everything in her which is why she is showing that attitude. If she has figured out how to successfully kill you without trace, you've have long digested in the belly of maggots by now.

Didi2d:


Seriously am tired!

The only way to save yourself from further hurt and disregard is to emotionally disconnect from her.
Stop giving her the attention she neither deserves nor appreciates.
Stop giving her the power to hurt you.
Unless she's ready for peace, be present but emotionally unavailable to her.
Take charge of yourself and peace of mind again.
Be firm.

Didi2d:


Seriously am tired!

Fam you can’t be tired, lol, as ridiculous as this sounds & talmbout wife battering, nah, don’t even go there, since you mentioned people already interfering, same people will blame you and tell you 1million reason why it’s your fault. Okay, she gets on your nerves agreed! Do you smoke? Drink or have any vices ? If not be careful not to over indulge to escape your reality . Make your kids the center of your attention, ignore her, do not talk to her, perhaps if you must, drop notes , play with the kids if you are at home , still be kind to her , not nice , be kind . If yuu can afford to get her stuffs as you used too when the whole love been dey shack una, do am with a note , she’s annoying , yes but she’s yours, lol. When she playfully comes around, ignore her. This is only temporary, if she offers kpekus, collect , it’s rightfully yours . Other than that, ignore her tantrums. Always laugh or smile when she begins her drama while sounding serious if you must engage her in any meaningful rebuttal. If you want to fast track this game, drop a note, notifying her thus “Dear beautiful wife, I understand you are under pressure due to circumstances i May not understand, as we do not communicate as much as we used too, in light of this, I’m considering adding a new wife to ease your burden so as to enable you take care of business , this does not change the fact that I love you dearly .” Yours loving husband. Drop this note with a gift .
Move around with smiles and laughter around the house, women are good emotional gangsters, you have to beat them @ their game. Be liquid, find somebody you can always be talking to on the phone so as to make the suspicions real. Lol.. play this game fam. Don’t move outta the house . Will you be able to do this? Maybe, will it work , I honestly don’t know . However, make sure there’s no form of abuse and always ensure the kids see that the fault is from the mom, this way she cannot turn the kids against you in your absence, if t helps, get a separate bedroom. Man this marriage thing is a long con game and you have to win with smiles , be flexible in your dealings . Red flags or not she’s your responsibility, take care of her, if you must argue with her, always discredit her point of view without actually saying anything meaningful. Make it seem she’s the issue and you are only tryna help, if not why would you raise fund for her business venture which has eventually taken your place . At this stage she may begin to ask around who is your side chickito, you have to make this a secret too..omo i don type oh. If she no heard word. na she sabi, if wetin I write make sense modify to your taste, remove wetin no make sense . Perhaps ignore the whole thing and do wetin dey your mind, last, last, fo ths life experience is a better teacher and also pray for her if you be spiritual person rather than complaining . Sha stiill Do you .

Anything that puts a threat to ur peace of mind is dangerous
Use wisdom to put ur house back in order

WantsandMore:

Fam you can’t be tired, lol, as ridiculous as this sounds & talmbout wife battering, nah, don’t even go there, since you mentioned people already interfering, same people will blame you and tell you 1million reason why it’s your fault. Okay, she gets on your nerves agreed! Do you smoke? Drink or have any vices ? If not be careful not to over indulge to escape your reality . Make your kids the center of your attention, ignore her, do not talk to her, perhaps if you must, drop notes , play with the kids if you are at home , still be kind to her , not nice , be kind . If yuu can afford to get her stuffs as you used too when the whole love been dey shack una, do am with a note , she’s annoying , yes but she’s yours, lol. When she playfully comes around, ignore her. This is only temporary, if she offers kpekus, collect , it’s rightfully yours . Other than that, ignore her tantrums. Always laugh or smile when she begins her drama while sounding serious if you must engage her in any meaningful rebuttal. If you want to fast track this game, drop a note, notifying her thus “Dear beautiful wife, I understand you are under pressure due to circumstances i May not understand, as we do not communicate as much as we used too, in light of this, I’m considering adding a new wife to ease your burden so as to enable you take care of business , this does not change the fact that I love you dearly .” Yours loving husband. Drop this note with a gift .
Move around with smiles and laughter around the house, women are good emotional gangsters, you have to beat them @ their game. Be liquid, find somebody you can always be talking to on the phone so as to make the suspicions real. Lol.. play this game fam. Don’t move outta the house . Will you be able to do this? Maybe, will it work , I honestly don’t know . However, make sure there’s no form of abuse and always ensure the kids see that the fault is from the mom, this way she cannot turn the kids against you in your absence, if t helps, get a separate bedroom. Man this marriage thing is a long con game and you have to win with smiles , be flexible in your dealings . Red flags or not she’s your responsibility, take care of her, if you must argue with her, always discredit her point of view without actually saying anything meaningful. Make it seem she’s the issue and you are only tryna help, if not why would you raise fund for her business venture which has eventually taken your place . At this stage she may begin to ask around who is your side chickito, you have to make this a secret too..omo i don type oh. If she no heard word. na she sabi, if wetin I write make sense modify to your taste, remove wetin no make sense . Perhaps ignore the whole thing and do wetin dey your mind, last, last, fo ths life experience is a better teacher and also pray for her if you be spiritual person rather than complaining . Sha stiill Do you .

Thanks man!
I really appreciate.

Seriously, at some point I told her she needs spiritual deliverance and picks that up as usual. Because she can pick argument when you least expect

pocohantas:


You talk too much or too nosey.
Learn to face your front. 16yrs is a lot of time, so I don’t know why you two are quarrelling like minors.

Why would you ask your partner the subject of discussion with a “loved one”? At best you ask how that person is. They would say fine or not fine. If your partner decides to elaborate - good for you.

Two of una get am for body.

---

By the way, I had to go read your former threads. E be like the woman pity you, come marry you. She feels she did you the favour. She won’t change o. Except by a miracle.

You see that MALICE? I fear anybody that can keep malice. Very wicked and unforgiving set of humans. Tufiakwa!!

The person I asked her about is my sisters husband.
My sisters husband called her, I thought she would tell me what the call was about but she didn't, so I had to asked her 24hrs later. Be for I asked her, I asked my sis if she's aware of the call and she said she's not

Didi2d:


The person I asked her about is my sisters husband.
My sisters husband called her, I thought she would tell me what the call was about but she didn't, so I had to asked her 24hrs later. Be for I asked her, I asked my sis if she's aware of the call and she said she's not

Yes, I saw that. Couples gossip all the time. If yours isn’t telling, it is because she doesn’t want to. You leave her alone. Stop showing her it worries you. This would be hard given that you are not the malice keeping type.

Do whatever you have to do that doesn’t involve violence. Your peace of mind is paramount.

You are the wife n she is the husband..
Congratulations